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Feeling lost. - 7/22/2012 11:54:19 AM

Bree11

Posts: 9
Joined: 11/16/2011
Status: offline

My Dom is more than I ever imagined and I am grateful to him. But in a discussion with a Mistress she informed me that Dominants are not required to be faithful. They can have a domestic sub and others outside the home. Now up until that conversation I was good. And now I find myself questioning every time he is leaving the house at night. I have been collared since Feb and owned since Dec 2011. My previous relationship (vanilla)was 18 mos ago and ended due to him cheating after 8 yrs of being together. On one side I am constantly secure that he is differ and would never do that to me. It feels crazy cause I am with him almost everyday so I know there is nothing to go one. But I start thinking of the conversation and start being suspicious. I have made my thoughts known to him. He has expressed that he wants me to have a sister. I am so lost cause I think he has someone in mind already. I want new experiences but I don't want a perminant addition just yet. I want to please him and do as he wishes. So lost cause I am unsure what to think or do. Any Advice?

Post #: 1

RE: Feeling lost. - 7/22/2012 11:58:03 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

There is NO dominant rulebook. You are a person in a relationship with another person. Have you talked with your dom about your need for monogamy? He's the one to negotiate your relationship with, not some stranger.

Good luck. Talk to HIM. Ask all the questions until you have answers. You do not automatically give up your rights, and certainly not your needs.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to Bree11)

Post #: 2

RE: Feeling lost. - 7/22/2012 12:00:02 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

It's not the best advice, but it might be helpful.

You might want to start asking your D about the terms poly fidelity or ethical poly.

Edited for a period of all flipping things.

_____________________________

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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 3

RE: Feeling lost. - 7/22/2012 12:00:23 PM

searching4mysir

Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline

FR

Sounds like you may have collared too soon. Personally I think that Mistress is full of shit and that it depends on the individual relationships.

Master is monogamous, as am I. I have no worries that he is not faithful to me. Fidelity is a hard limit of mine in that if he breaks it, he breaks me and our relationship. I've said to him early in our relationship, if "I find you and another woman in bed together, she is going home with your testicles in her purse".

If you are not poly and have no desire to have a sister, then don't have one. The choice is yours. Yes, even if you are a slave, the choice is yours. You have the choice on whether or not to leave the relationship.

(in reply to Bree11)

Post #: 4

RE: Feeling lost. - 7/22/2012 12:01:21 PM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

First of all, cross posting is frowned upon here and one of your threads is likely to go "poof" very soon.

OK, having said that, the "mistress" you talked to is talking total bollocks. A dominant/master is, first and foremost, a human being with needs and desires, just as you are. If you have agreed on an open relationship then yes, he's free to sleep with others. If you haven't agreed on this and he's doing it anyway, it's nothing to do with his 'rights' as a master and more to do with him being a lying, cheating cuntweasel.

Ignore the silly bitch who tried to feed you this bs and focus on the relationship you have. Maybe even discuss it with him - after all, that's what humans do

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to Bree11)

Post #: 5

RE: Feeling lost. - 7/22/2012 12:25:48 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

The terms of a relationship are ALWAYS set by the people in it.

I know it might be whet she truly believes, BUT!
I am wondering if the mistress who so advised you may have had another motive for giving you false information?
Was she hinting at you might be better off with a woman because they are faithful?

Being in a poly-amorous relationship may not be something that you want.
You are not being a "bad" sub or slave if that is true for you.

You should however, communicate your feelings of uncertainty over the idea of having a sister until you feel confident about yourself, the relationship itself-- and are confident that is what you want in a relationship.
Sharing is not for everybody.

Anything else being less than truthful.

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to Bree11)

Post #: 6

RE: Feeling lost. - 7/22/2012 12:29:21 PM

Char2688

Posts: 151
Joined: 4/16/2012
Status: offline

if you cannot live with it, then leave
if you can live with it, then stay
just get the rules down so you know what to expect
if he says he is going to play with others, he will
sounds like you cannot live with it
so
leave

(in reply to angelikaJ)

Post #: 7

RE: Feeling lost. - 7/22/2012 12:33:27 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

Bree... you have posted about this relationship before. You introduced yourself and started another thread and said on the 29th that you had been here two months, talked to him every day, had not met and were owned. http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=3977989 On the 13th, which was fifteen days later you said that you had met and played, that you hadn't given yourself to him and that you were seeing him twice a week. So here you say that you were owned since Dec... I take it the 29th and then collared in Feb.

Now, you question many things that should have been covered before you were owned or collared and should have been and should be discussed with him.

You are only as helpless and lost as you allow yourself to be, in the situations you place yourself within and maybe even excuse. Do what you need to do... not talk to us or some mistress claiming the rights of all doms... which many would disagree with and stop playing victim to your lost. Get out there and do what you really need to do. Talk to your dom. However, he has said what he wants. Tell him you aren't ready. If it isn't going to be clear how he intends to do this... then that would be problematic with your history. What are YOU going to do about it?

_____________________________

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(in reply to angelikaJ)

Post #: 8

RE: Feeling lost. - 7/22/2012 2:05:44 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

He has expressed that he wants me to have a sister.

My father wants me to have a new car. I don't want a new car, so I think this is funny. Now the analogy breaks down, as if he were to get me a new car, I'd be grateful.

My father's motives are about him, not me, and I suspect the same is true with your dom.

Just in case your other thread goes poof, I'm going to post Lizi's excellent advice:

http://www.collarchat.com/m_4180677/tm.htm

There are a couple things here. First of all, no Dominant is automatically guaranteed the right to be unfaithful, it's not like a law or anything. It's just like any other relationship- the two people in the relationship decide if they are monogamous or not just like they decide whether or not to have children or other important decisions. If they have agreed to be monogamous and have sex outside of the relationship, it is considered cheating just like it always is. The 'Domme' you talked to isn't speaking for the entire world here, she's only giving her interpretation of things, which begins and ends with herself and the people she is involved with.

Secondly you seem to wish your partner to be monogamous and have expressed this to your Dominant, and then he told you that he was bringing others into the relationship. in other words, he flat out told you he wasn't going to be monogamous. How is it that you accepted a relationship with this man knowing that it wasn't what you wanted? What were you thinking? You didn't have to accept his collar, and in fact it seems like you shouldn't have as he's not hiding from you that he is on a different page than you are concerning the number of people he will be involved with.

My advice would be to choose carefully in a partner and pick one that matches your outlook on being monogamous and in other important areas. Since it is too late for this, I'd advise that you think things over and see if you can stay in the relationship when he brings in another woman. If you cannot accept this, then I'd advise you leave now instead of getting more attached. One other thing to try would be to approach him and tell him how you feel about him having others, and that you would like to be his one and only and see if he'd accept that or not. If you keep putting off the conversation you have no idea how he will react and you're just a sitting duck for the day he brings home someone else and everything blows up in your face. Be proactive here and talk to the guy. Also, don't expect him to change up what he told you about how life would be. He was honest with you.

You don't have to live with something you find intolerable. You can stay or you don't have to, those are your choices. I'd find out what the situation is exactly first though rather than try to figure things out on a bunch of things that you 'think', and perhaps he'd be willing to change things up from what he said if he knew you'd walk. I wouldn't count on it though.

_____________________________

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(in reply to Bree11)

Post #: 9

RE: Feeling lost. - 7/22/2012 5:12:47 PM

NiceButMeanGirl

Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline

Okay, I've just quoted bits and pieces here to make a point.....

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bree11
....in a discussion with a Mistress she informed me that Dominants are not required to be faithful....

....I am constantly secure that he is differ and would never do that to me....

....It feels crazy....

....and start being suspicious....

....I have made my thoughts known to him....

....He has expressed that he wants me to have a sister. I am so lost cause I think he has someone in mind already. I want new experiences but I don't want a perminant addition just yet....

I don't think you really are "secure that he is different and would never do that" to you. Otherwise you would not be suspicious and feel crazy. He doesn't seem to care about whether you want a sister or not. HE wants to have another sub. This is all about HIM and what HE wants. Has he ever asked you whether YOU really want a sister or not?

As for being faithful, there is no law that says Dominants don't have to be faithful. Also, like LadyP said, has he ever heard of polyfidelity or ethical poly? Poly people can be faithful too. One of the big differences between poly and cheating though is that, with poly, everyone is above board. With cheating there are secrets and lies.

NBMG

< Message edited by NiceButMeanGirl -- 7/22/2012 5:20:42 PM >

_____________________________

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(in reply to Bree11)

Post #: 10

RE: Feeling lost. - 7/22/2012 9:58:02 PM

seekingreality

Posts: 599
Joined: 8/11/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bree11

My Dom is more than I ever imagined and I am grateful to him. But in a discussion with a Mistress she informed me that Dominants are not required to be faithful. They can have a domestic sub and others outside the home. Now up until that conversation I was good. And now I find myself questioning every time he is leaving the house at night. I have been collared since Feb and owned since Dec 2011. My previous relationship (vanilla)was 18 mos ago and ended due to him cheating after 8 yrs of being together. On one side I am constantly secure that he is differ and would never do that to me. It feels crazy cause I am with him almost everyday so I know there is nothing to go one. But I start thinking of the conversation and start being suspicious. I have made my thoughts known to him. He has expressed that he wants me to have a sister. I am so lost cause I think he has someone in mind already. I want new experiences but I don't want a perminant addition just yet. I want to please him and do as he wishes. So lost cause I am unsure what to think or do. Any Advice?

My advice is to stop thinking that a sub-domme relationship has some intrinsic rules you have to follow. Instead of guessing, ask him. If monogamy is a dealbreaker for you, tell him. If he can't accept that,. walk away. if you're not willing to walk away then it's not a dealbreaker and he'll sleep with other women. It's that simple.

(in reply to Bree11)

Post #: 11

RE: Feeling lost. - 7/23/2012 4:19:26 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bree11

My Dom is more than I ever imagined and I am grateful to him. But in a discussion with a Mistress she informed me that Dominants are not required to be faithful. They can have a domestic sub and others outside the home. Now up until that conversation I was good. And now I find myself questioning every time he is leaving the house at night. I have been collared since Feb and owned since Dec 2011. My previous relationship (vanilla)was 18 mos ago and ended due to him cheating after 8 yrs of being together. On one side I am constantly secure that he is differ and would never do that to me. It feels crazy cause I am with him almost everyday so I know there is nothing to go one. But I start thinking of the conversation and start being suspicious. I have made my thoughts known to him. He has expressed that he wants me to have a sister. I am so lost cause I think he has someone in mind already. I want new experiences but I don't want a perminant addition just yet. I want to please him and do as he wishes. So lost cause I am unsure what to think or do. Any Advice?

I always smile at that ole "sister sub" chestnut....

Basically, he's gonna help you and the relationship "grow" by him screwing around with your approval (real or not). Great way for arseholes to deal with consequences.

And yeah, that "Mistress" you had the discussion with is full of crap besides.... As always, there's no mystical "Book of Dominant's Behaviour" that we all follow; that being faithful or screwing around is entirely an individual thing.

Mind you; you scare me a bit, too. That you can be so easily undermined by a stranger to a point of threatening your own relationship from within. Yep, scarey....

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to Bree11)

Post #: 12

RE: Feeling lost. - 7/23/2012 6:55:40 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bree11
My Dom is more than I ever imagined and I am grateful to him. But in a discussion with a Mistress she informed me that Dominants are not required to be faithful.

Oh where to start with this one? Does this "mistress" have any actual experience out in the real world? Can you actually verify that? Let's deconstruct this. Is ANYONE "required to be faithful"? Who's making this "requirement"? How is it being enforced? By the numbers an awful lot of vanilla marriages aren't all that faithful. Men and women generally don't seem to feel much requirement for it in about 30% of the cases. I'm pointing all this out because I want to get the idea that there's some sort of rule book out of your head. There isn't... not for marriage... not for D/s relationships.

They can have a domestic sub and others outside the home.
There's one important qualification on that. Sure, the "dom" may have whatever he wants... IF he can pull it off. In other words, in order to do this he's got to either find a poly sub or else dominate a woman enough that she becomes poly. Reality is what defines what he "can" do, not some rule book somewhere. From your post I'd venture to guess you are not poly nor has he dominated you enough to make you poly (a rare, rare thing by the way).

Now up until that conversation I was good. And now I find myself questioning every time he is leaving the house at night.
So wait... some random 3rd party makes some casual comment and now you mistrust your dom? Sheez.

I have been collared since Feb and owned since Dec 2011.
I'd urge you to skip the labelogy. Whether you are "owned" or not and whatever that means to you is not relevant to the actual situation. Labels are not reality.

Your dom says he wants a third. You don't. My advice is to be honest about the whole setup. You are not ready for a 3rd. From your post you may never want a 3rd. If he wants you to be ready then it's up to him to change you to be so (again, unless you were already poly friendly, that pretty much never happens). If you just try to be "accepting" it's pretty certain things will fail so why drag all three of you into a mess. By the way, if he trots out the "you're not a true sub" line OR if he tells you to simply obey then you can safely conclude your dom is an idiot and your best to move on now while the getting's good.

Oh, and I agree with kalikshama... his phrasing "I want you to have a sister" is weak at best... I might consider it an outright lie with the intent to manipulate.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to Bree11)

Post #: 13

RE: Feeling lost. - 7/23/2012 9:30:59 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

quote:

Mind you; you scare me a bit, too. That you can be so easily undermined by a stranger to a point of threatening your own relationship from within. Yep, scarey....

Focus.

YUP. I thought the same exact thing when I read it.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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Post #: 14

RE: Feeling lost. - 7/23/2012 9:43:56 AM

searching4mysir

Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bree11

But in a discussion with a Mistress she informed me that Dominants are not required to be faithful.

Why were you discussing your relationship with someone outside the relationship? Why would you take her opinion of anything as gospel?

If I were your dom I would be concerned about your loyalty and lack of communication skills with me.

< Message edited by searching4mysir -- 7/23/2012 9:44:46 AM >

(in reply to Bree11)

Post #: 15

RE: Feeling lost. - 7/23/2012 12:03:55 PM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline

In my relationship my Master being faithfull ]IS a requirment. Neithr one of us want to share. Poly would be a deal breaker for me. iI seems like you don't want to share either. Talk to him tell him that you do npt want a sister. That you are fine with ust the two if you. If he insists on getting a "sister" for you, it is not for you it is for him.

You got a lot of good advice here. We can advise you but you have to talk to him. If it not something you want and it sems that way and he gets a 'sister the relationship you have with him is doomed.

Mattt's littleone

< Message edited by littleone35 -- 7/23/2012 12:11:48 PM >

(in reply to searching4mysir)

Post #: 16

RE: Feeling lost. - 7/24/2012 10:02:47 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

We're monogamous. She isn't. Dominants come in all kinds.

However, if you wanted a monogamous relationship then why did you get involved with someone who has been clear that he wants multiple subs? Did he not tell you this until after the collar or did you think you could talk him out of it? Either way, I see no good outcome.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

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Post #: 17

RE: Feeling lost. - 7/24/2012 7:59:49 PM

Dresproperty

Posts: 202
Joined: 6/30/2012
Status: offline

Personally I find that you being suspicious of him based on a correspondence with a stranger very revealing that you lack loyalty to him and don't trust him.

Exactly why are you collared to him???

_____________________________

-Bella

Being a slave isnt what I do its who I am.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 18

RE: Feeling lost. - 7/24/2012 8:30:46 PM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bree11

My Dom is more than I ever imagined and I am grateful to him. But in a discussion with a Mistress she informed me that Dominants are not required to be faithful. They can have a domestic sub and others outside the home. Now up until that conversation I was good. And now I find myself questioning every time he is leaving the house at night. I have been collared since Feb and owned since Dec 2011. My previous relationship (vanilla)was 18 mos ago and ended due to him cheating after 8 yrs of being together. On one side I am constantly secure that he is differ and would never do that to me. It feels crazy cause I am with him almost everyday so I know there is nothing to go one. But I start thinking of the conversation and start being suspicious. I have made my thoughts known to him. He has expressed that he wants me to have a sister. I am so lost cause I think he has someone in mind already. I want new experiences but I don't want a perminant addition just yet. I want to please him and do as he wishes. So lost cause I am unsure what to think or do. Any Advice?

I always smile at that ole "sister sub" chestnut....

Basically, he's gonna help you and the relationship "grow" by him screwing around with your approval (real or not). Great way for arseholes to deal with consequences.

And yeah, that "Mistress" you had the discussion with is full of crap besides.... As always, there's no mystical "Book of Dominant's Behaviour" that we all follow; that being faithful or screwing around is entirely an individual thing.

Mind you; you scare me a bit, too. That you can be so easily undermined by a stranger to a point of threatening your own relationship from within. Yep, scarey....

Focus.

SUrprisingly, I agree with Focus.

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 19

RE: Feeling lost. - 7/24/2012 10:04:10 PM

FrostedFlake

Posts: 3084
Joined: 3/4/2009
From: Centralia, Washington
Status: offline

quote:

My Dom is more than I ever imagined and I am grateful to him. But in a discussion with a Mistress she informed me that Dominants are not required to be faithful.

IF, and only if, that is the agreement between the two. Other wise, no.

quote:

I have made my thoughts known to him. He has expressed that he wants me to have a sister.

It seems you have already had this 'talk', and you don't like the way it went. I don't blame you a bit. He considers you replaceable. And is already working on that project. And so you can forget about having any control over or within this relationship.

A few folks might call this 'Poly' But I think this is something else.

In the interest of disclosure, I could be 'poly', but I would have to like everyone involved a whole lot. (Not likely). The situation you describe is one where you don't know who your replacement is going to be, yet, but he does. We are not talking about someone you love, we are talking about adding a stranger to your bedroom.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w5fqWugnIhk

Aretha's sister Erma was the first to record "Piece of my heart".

ETA : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vThD7ot9oII

Janis at Woodstock.

< Message edited by FrostedFlake -- 7/24/2012 10:06:33 PM >

_____________________________

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(in reply to Bree11)

Post #: 20

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