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Long time visitor - 7/28/2012 2:57:10 PM

blurg1234

Posts: 6
Joined: 1/6/2012
Status: offline

I've been coming to this website for a long time, but I've never really introduced myself to the website community, and this is something I intend on changing. You're never going to get better at what you do if you don't seek help and support, and while I'm incredibly stubborn when it comes to that, I am here to meet people and start the next chapter in my life.

I'm a 25-year old dom. I've never been part of the bdsm community simply because, what I've seen of it, it's never appealed to me. What I mean is that I'm not a big fan of leather, rubber, or large group activities, and as I understand, these are large parts of networking with the bdsm community, so I feel a bit out of place. I am aware I need to just turn off some of these inhibitions, grow a pair and say "hi" to people, but it is difficult when you don't feel you have much superficially in common with the people around you, though our end-goal wants may be very similar.

I am definitely running into the problem, however, of being a young, and young-looking, dominant on the prowl. I'm not built like the tall, dark and handsome man, come to whisk you away to a life of subtle subservience, but I am also not the older, experienced man, who can carry himself with the experience of ages, even though I've been actively researching bdsm for the past 10 years, and practicing it for 8.

I feel as though I've run into a rut of meeting like-minded female subs of whom I am attracted to initially. It's also very hard, sometimes, to recognize the scam artists on this website (I have been hit up for money for relocation 4 times now in the past 6 months).

So for the non-leather, non-rubber, heavy-mental style dominant, are groups really the right thing? I know when I get anxious I get rude and unpleasant, so it's one of the reasons I've avoided such things in the past, but are there others like me out there? And if so, what has worked for you?

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RE: Long time visitor - 7/28/2012 3:07:03 PM

Kaliko

Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline

Welcome. I know a few "non-leather, non-rubber, heavy-mental style" dominants well enough to know that they would say that they did not care for groups either. They would also suggest, though, that vanilla women might turn out to be suitable partners for that type of relationship.

Just a thought...have you considered exploring what you're looking for with a woman who maybe hasn't identified herself yet as submissive?

(in reply to blurg1234)

Post #: 2

RE: Long time visitor (San Jose) - 7/28/2012 3:56:41 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

I'm not a big fan of leather, rubber, or large group activities

I find leather and rubber too hot and sometimes smelly and I hate large groups. Never-the-less, I've been happily engaging in BDSM seriously since 1999 and since I was a teenager if you include all the bondage, wax, rough sex, etc.

To get into smaller groups, I look for munches that are new or have less members. Because of the age issue, you may wish to find a TNG group (The Next Generation (of kinksters.))

I read your profile.

1. I think you should replace "abuse" and "abusive" with words that don't make you sound...abusive.

2. Over time, your thinking may evolve about slaves with few limits.

3. I encourage you to stay open minded about total control until you've actually experienced the drudgery of doing it 24/7, week in and week out. (Peeps, didn't we just have a thread about this? I remember lots of anti micromanagement sentiment from those who tried it.)

In other words, get some time behind the wheel on the road before you buy a Lamborghini.

Welcome!

KK

_____________________________

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(in reply to blurg1234)

Post #: 3

RE: Long time visitor (San Jose) - 7/28/2012 5:57:58 PM

blurg1234

Posts: 6
Joined: 1/6/2012
Status: offline

Thanks, I took your advice and made a few more minor changes to my profile. The reality is, after examining myself, I am rather abusive. Not in the slapping around sense, but I am a jealous person, possessive, controlling and in general, these are abusive qualities. I don't wand to hide this from any potential partners, because I know that trying to push that side of me down is what has caused all my previous relationships to fail. I get overly jealous, passive aggressive, scheming and conniving, and eventually drive my partner away, because I don't like that part of me. But after my last relationship, I've decided to embrace this part of me, and I need a person who is going to be totally devoted. It's not to say that I don't want my partner to have a life outside of bdsm if she pursues one, but I am aware of what kind of person I am in a relationship, and she should be as well, prior to entering into it, so I don't want to completely remove my abusive nature from my profile. Unless there's a better way to put it...like I just did xD.

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 4

RE: Long time visitor (San Jose) - 7/28/2012 6:10:50 PM

searching4mysir

Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: blurg1234

Thanks, I took your advice and made a few more minor changes to my profile. The reality is, after examining myself, I am rather abusive. Not in the slapping around sense, but I am a jealous person, possessive, controlling and in general, these are abusive qualities. I don't wand to hide this from any potential partners, because I know that trying to push that side of me down is what has caused all my previous relationships to fail. I get overly jealous, passive aggressive, scheming and conniving, and eventually drive my partner away, because I don't like that part of me. But after my last relationship, I've decided to embrace this part of me, and I need a person who is going to be totally devoted. It's not to say that I don't want my partner to have a life outside of bdsm if she pursues one, but I am aware of what kind of person I am in a relationship, and she should be as well, prior to entering into it, so I don't want to completely remove my abusive nature from my profile. Unless there's a better way to put it...like I just did xD.

Dude, passive aggressive is not a dominant characteristic. It reeks of insecurity and bad communication style. As a submissive/slave, I require my dominant to be very clear in his instructions and expectations. There is a difference between anticipating your dominant's needs and attempting to be a mind reader. Scheming and conniving is part and parcel of passive aggressive and insecurity.

If he expects me to be open and trust him, I require the same (him to be open and trust me).

(in reply to blurg1234)

Post #: 5

RE: Long time visitor (San Jose) - 7/28/2012 7:19:03 PM

MistressDarkArt

Posts: 5178
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: blurg1234

<snip> I am aware of what kind of person I am in a relationship, and she should be as well, prior to entering into it, so I don't want to completely remove my abusive nature from my profile. Unless there's a better way to put it...like I just did xD.

Welcome to the boards! A+ for honesty, but folks who knowingly enter a relationship with an abusive (even just 'a little') partner have problems. Do you really want to take on a partner with dysfunction issues when you admit you have them too? As befits a dominant, wouldn't it be a better idea to master your personal work first so you don't need to feel/act abusive? Attempting to put the cart before the horse in this case is a recipe for crap on crap, with no good outcome for anyone.

Good luck in your journey. May you learn what it's like to feel peaceful, content, and loving toward yourself first. Then, a wonderful, FUNCTIONAL partner to complement you.

(in reply to blurg1234)

Post #: 6

RE: Long time visitor (San Jose) - 7/28/2012 8:23:35 PM

CRYPTICLXVI

Posts: 3907
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: blurg1234

Thanks, I took your advice and made a few more minor changes to my profile. The reality is, after examining myself, I am rather abusive. Not in the slapping around sense, but I am a jealous person, possessive, controlling and in general, these are abusive qualities. I don't wand to hide this from any potential partners, because I know that trying to push that side of me down is what has caused all my previous relationships to fail. I get overly jealous, passive aggressive, scheming and conniving, and eventually drive my partner away, because I don't like that part of me. But after my last relationship, I've decided to embrace this part of me, and I need a person who is going to be totally devoted. It's not to say that I don't want my partner to have a life outside of bdsm if she pursues one, but I am aware of what kind of person I am in a relationship, and she should be as well, prior to entering into it, so I don't want to completely remove my abusive nature from my profile. Unless there's a better way to put it...like I just did xD.

Okay, jealous... that smacks of insecurity dude. Possessive, that I understand, I personally don't share what is mine but that is different than jealous. It's just I don't share, I'm an asshole that way. Passive aggressive, wow, that's about as desirable as a barbed wire enema in a partner... as for scheming, conniving...fuck dude, let's be honest here, you may choose to embrace these traits but I think it would be more constructive to actually control who you are and to work through this shit. I have read where a couple of people have looked at your profile and given you some feedback, I'll be honest, I don't give enough of a fuck to pass over to the other side but I will make a suggestion here... take it or leave it. Just an opinion. I respect that you are starting to look at who you are, getting to know who you are and becoming comfortable with yourself...but I would suggest after taking an inventory, then work on who you want to be and master yourself before you worry about mastering anybody else.

Simple, learn what you want, who you are and work on that... the rest will follow and why settle for your own "faults"? Why not become who you want to be? When you have that comfort in yourself, that assurance, not arrogance but assurance... then the rest will fall in place.

Just my two cents, anyway, welcome.

Stick around, ask questions, go find others also learning, you might find something.

(in reply to blurg1234)

Post #: 7

RE: Long time visitor - 7/29/2012 1:28:00 AM

punisher440

Posts: 4122
Joined: 4/10/2011
Status: offline

blurg,welcome to the forums.If you come in sincere and asking fairly good questions,you can get some great answers..just ignore the trolls that pass through from time to time.

(in reply to blurg1234)

Post #: 8

RE: Long time visitor - 7/29/2012 4:00:24 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

Blurg - have you seen the booklist? http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm

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(in reply to blurg1234)

Post #: 9

RE: Long time visitor (San Jose) - 7/29/2012 4:51:41 AM

blurg1234

Posts: 6
Joined: 1/6/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CRYPTICLXVI

Okay, jealous... that smacks of insecurity dude. Possessive, that I understand, I personally don't share what is mine but that is different than jealous. It's just I don't share, I'm an asshole that way. Passive aggressive, wow, that's about as desirable as a barbed wire enema in a partner... as for scheming, conniving...fuck dude, let's be honest here, you may choose to embrace these traits but I think it would be more constructive to actually control who you are and to work through this shit. I have read where a couple of people have looked at your profile and given you some feedback, I'll be honest, I don't give enough of a fuck to pass over to the other side but I will make a suggestion here... take it or leave it. Just an opinion. I respect that you are starting to look at who you are, getting to know who you are and becoming comfortable with yourself...but I would suggest after taking an inventory, then work on who you want to be and master yourself before you worry about mastering anybody else.

Simple, learn what you want, who you are and work on that... the rest will follow and why settle for your own "faults"? Why not become who you want to be? When you have that comfort in yourself, that assurance, not arrogance but assurance... then the rest will fall in place.

Just my two cents, anyway, welcome.

Stick around, ask questions, go find others also learning, you might find something.

Yeah, I understand all that, 3 of my past 4 relationships were ones that drove me into a sense of insecurity, and the one that made me happy I didn't appreciate at the time.

For those that are interested I'll go more into depth, but I want to spare anyone (an ex of mine follows my profile so she'll probably end up reading this) by not naming order or names. I definitely grew up the "nice guy" who had a lot of female friends who I, at the time, felt took advantage of my kindness. You know, the girls who always end up with the jerks and not the "nice guy". I realized that I was the biggest asshole of all, trying to manipulate girls into liking me this way, but I'm aware that manipulation and subversive control are things I'm good at, passively, and old habits die hard.

So, out of high school I entered a relationship with a girl of whom I had a crush on for a good long while. This was a pretty vanilla relationship, but, as I learned later on, she was a pathological liar, prankster, and was taking advantage of my kindness, in a very actual sense. If you're looking for a "what happened to make you feel so insecure in relationships?" This story is pretty much it. If you want more details you can message me.

Next one was a real submissive. I was too innocent at the time to realize it, but in retrospect, what she offered is exactly what I want, even if I didn't really want her in a physical sense. She was also kind of batshit crazy paranoid, but the girl did walk 7 miles in the dark to blow me. Can't really argue with that kind of devotion to one's word. But, mentally, physically, I fucked with her, and I really enjoyed it. It might be sick, but I did thoroughly enjoy degrading that girl, I just didn't realize what it was I enjoyed until years later.

My next was another mental fuck. Emotionally she through me through loops. I had come back to the "nice guy" place, and that relationship pretty much ended in her getting freaked out at my perversions, but not willing to actually tell me. Once again, if you want more details on this, you can message me.

My most recent, and longest relationship, and most actively kinky, was going swimmingly. But as I discovered I was willing and wanting to do things outside my original comfort zone, she didn't want to follow, or really let me explore. But just as I can be passive aggressive, she was the same to me. By the end of the relationship is was a series of passive aggressive back-and-forths, which I did not handle in the most mature fashion at all. I did get very insecure in the relationship because she spent a lot of time around a heavily male group, most of which had/have attractions towards her. I'm not going to defend myself, my feelings were born out of immaturity and insecurity.

In the end, though, I know what I want is someone who puts me above others in their life. What did it for me was understanding that I was no more special than any of her other male friends, on an emotional scale, but what made me different was that we fucked. I can handle my partner having male friends, and I can share time. I can't handle being on par with them, that the only thing that separates us is something physical, unless I have no desire to love her. And on this site I'm looking for anything, and a play partner is someone I would be willing to share, because we're both just exploring. I just figure, I want anyone getting to know me to know what my bad habits are.

:p Thanks for playing therapist collarme boards

(in reply to CRYPTICLXVI)

Post #: 10

RE: Long time visitor (San Jose) - 7/29/2012 5:57:00 AM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

Your honesty is very refreshing Blurg

As a bit of an oldster myself, I have a few more years of experience that will hopefully help you. Firstly, you're still very young and still finding your way through the maze of relationships. You've had some crappy ones, but then again so have many of us (including me). It does colour your attitude towards future relationships but you seem smart enough to not let the negatives control future relationships.

Trust is hard. It took me a long time to learn to trust after some rocky times, but when it happens it's wonderful. It didn't happen overnight - hell, it took nearly 2 years for me to realise he is as trustworthy as me!

Although I'm his slave and he's my Master, we are equals in some senses. Although the fact that he is Master and I am slave is always present, that doesn't stop us having vanilla times where we talk together, laugh together, cry together...just like any other couple.

We are not the most important people in each other's lives - family gets that spot. At least for now. But having him in my life gives it a real sense of meaning now. He says the same to me.

But at the beginning we both took risks with each other. We laid ourselves emotionally bare to each other, fully aware of the risks involved. The result was a deeper bond of trust than I've ever experienced, and one that I hope will last us both a lifetime.

You have to take risks - bdsm will not give you a get-out clause to avoid those risks. Just take it slow, learn to trust and I'm sure you will find the girl of your dreams.

Oh, and you're cute. Your main pic is exactly the kind of guy I used to look for when I was a lot younger. So don't do yourself down in the looks department!

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

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Post #: 11

RE: Long time visitor (San Jose) - 7/29/2012 6:37:45 AM

blurg1234

Posts: 6
Joined: 1/6/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: myotherself

Trust is hard. It took me a long time to learn to trust after some rocky times, but when it happens it's wonderful. It didn't happen overnight - hell, it took nearly 2 years for me to realise he is as trustworthy as me!

You have to take risks - bdsm will not give you a get-out clause to avoid those risks. Just take it slow, learn to trust and I'm sure you will find the girl of your dreams.

Oh, and you're cute. Your main pic is exactly the kind of guy I used to look for when I was a lot younger. So don't do yourself down in the looks department!

Well, I'm not looking for a relationship, as it were, at the moment. I guess, ultimately, I'd like to find that, but I'm here looking more for play partners, to network, to get to know people, and maybe meet some ladies interested in some fun. I've mostly messaged people who say they are inexperienced, looking to explore, that deal, and I've already talked to 6 scam bots! :D

And thank you for the compliment. I don't normally look so good, but that day I got all dolled up to model my hair, as it is apparently very hard to cut xD

(in reply to myotherself)

Post #: 12

RE: Long time visitor (San Jose) - 7/29/2012 6:43:14 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

Honestly, Blurg, if I were one of your target audience (play partners looking for fun) I would be seriously concerned about the issues you say you now own... and I'd run fast and far.

JMO, of course, YMMV.

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Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
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Post #: 13

RE: Long time visitor (San Jose) - 7/29/2012 7:05:34 AM

Lucylastic

Posts: 40310
Status: offline

Greetings Blurg, welcome to the boards.
As another old lady, I applaud your introspection, but not really your decision to embrace it. Were I submissive and half my age, it would not endear me to you in the slightest. Being someones world is possible, but cant be forced, cajoled or faked. Legally at least.
As a dominant..its not a good place to be either, while needing to be the center of someones universe is one hell of an ego boost, it doesnt last for long, it can get ugly fast.
Hopefully (for you and your partners sake) you will discover a way to get out of that.
Having said that, Good luck

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Dont Hate Love

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Post #: 14

RE: Long time visitor (San Jose) - 7/29/2012 8:09:24 AM

VideoAdminTheta

Posts: 3967
Joined: 10/24/2009
Status: offline

Please return to the purpose of Introductions, which is to welcome new members.

If your post was removed, it quoted or responded to a post that required removal or was off topic.

Thank you

< Message edited by VideoAdminTheta -- 7/29/2012 9:31:48 AM >

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Post #: 15

RE: Long time visitor (San Jose) - 7/29/2012 8:10:47 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

Welcome, Blurg!!

(and what has already been posted...)

_____________________________

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Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to VideoAdminTheta)

Post #: 16

RE: Long time visitor (San Jose) - 7/29/2012 10:42:37 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

Well, I'm not looking for a relationship, as it were, at the moment. I guess, ultimately, I'd like to find that, but I'm here looking more for play partners, to network, to get to know people, and maybe meet some ladies interested in some fun.

In that case, I think you should remove all references to "slave" in your profile because having a slave IS a relationship, and a time consuming one at that. You could also use qualifiers such as "future slave" or "bedroom slave."

_____________________________

Curious about the "Sluts Vote" avatars? See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4133036/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4133036

(in reply to blurg1234)

Post #: 17

RE: Long time visitor - 7/30/2012 3:31:39 AM

OohAahMrs

Posts: 7723
Joined: 7/14/2010
Status: offline

Welcome blurg, too bad about the scams, though it's easy to pick them off, hope you can find some fun and games.

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You may choc the choc.........Oh forget it......

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Post #: 18

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