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Nerves - 8/3/2012 6:34:34 AM

Lucifyre

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Joined: 3/27/2012
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I have GOT to be completely out of my fucking mind!

Just over a week away. WTF am I thinking?

15% chance of permanent loss of nipple sensation. 3-4 weeks of pain and compression garments.
1-2 weeks of having 4 fucking drains dangeling from my body.
Stitches 60% of the way around my front. That's gonna leave a nasty ass scar that won't start fading for a YEAR

All for what? so my fucking clothes will fit?

HOLD CRIPES! I must be crazy!

It's not too late to cancel. I can call today and tell them nevermind I've had a temporary loss of my head and now that I've found it I'll take my check back thank you very much. It doesn't matter that I've been dreaming of this for 15 years. My husband loves me just the way I am...I don't need to be skinny with pretty boobs to make Him happy, he already is. And who gives a fuck what anyone else thinks right?

Gaah what the fuck!

< Message edited by Lucifyre -- 8/3/2012 6:35:25 AM >

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RE: Nerves - 8/3/2012 7:06:12 AM

LanceHughes

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I'll guess you didn't type "breast reduction surgery" because you couldn't. LOL!

Seriously, m'dear..... why do you think they schedule you a week out? Now that you've covered the reasons to NOT do it, calm down and tell us some of the reasons you have thought about this for 15 YEARS! Tell us why they waiting has ended. Tell us how GOOD you'll feel after the surgery heals - and I don't mean physically "how good."

Oh, and leave your husband out of this, 'K? You are doing this for YOU. . . . .

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RE: Nerves - 8/3/2012 8:33:41 AM

Lucifyre

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(more than) 15 years of feeling like I look like the saggy baggy elephant have dug themselves into my brain deeply enough to dream about having this done. Clothing doesn't fit me right. I am a size 18 on top and a 12 on the bottom. My corset pushes my belly down when I wear it so it looks like I'm wearing a skin bubble skirt. I can't wear jeans at all because anything that fits my hips ends up digging into my belly so badly it hurts. No "spanks" (that's a modern girdle if you don't know LOL) in the world can hide the rolls of extra skin hanging off my body. My boobs pour out of everything, the sides spill over the tops of bras even if they fit me. The ones that do fit me are all fucking ugly....Victoria's Secret bras are a joke to try to get into...last time I tried, I ripped the seams of the largest one they had. I don't feel sexy, I don't feel pretty, I don't feel attractive. I hate going out in public to scene because unless I have everything tucked in and hidden I'm afraid everyone's watching and thinking about how ugly all the fat looks rather than how much they'd like to be right next to me or even in my place in front of Mr. I have about a million reasons why I've wanted to do this....none of which are anything short of superficial, none of which should matter.
Until the beginning of this month it was never anything more than a dream.
In 2007 my father died at age 60 from illnesses that caused him grief for most of his adult life that he got in Viet Nam. Recently a lawsuit was settled where the United Stated government determined that they owed those vets a considerable amount of money. Being as my dad is deceased, they paid a portion of it to me. I got my check at the beginning of July. It's really not enough to do much of anything with....except my surgery and pay a few bills. But that's enough for me.
Now I''m thinking that I am being completely irresponsible by spending this money on myself. I could probably rattle off a hundred things in less than a minute that I should devote it to...my kids, my house, other debts that I don't have to pay off right away but probably should. Spending it on me is the most selfish thing I could do. How do I get through the guilt of doing that?
My husband told me it's my turn to have something nice. I don't get to spend any of it on the kids, or Him or the house or anything. Understand that He isn't requesting that I have this proceedure. Again...He loves me for who I am, it doesn't matter to Him if I have a little extra fat around my tummy or that my boobs sag. He wants me to have this done for ME. And I'm having trouble getting past that. I'm having trouble justifying something just for me because why SHOULD I have it?

I don't know how good I will feel after it's all healed up. I don't know if I will feel any differently at all. My head keeps going back to all the "what if"...infection, not much change, too much pain, no one notices or gives a shit, scar is horrible and is worse than staying flabby, my boobs lose feeling...bout bajillion of those too.

uugh.

It's been a stressful month for me and I'm feeling it ALL today.

Lucifyre

< Message edited by Lucifyre -- 8/3/2012 8:34:19 AM >

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Post #: 3

RE: Nerves - 8/3/2012 9:24:43 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
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quote:

I don't feel sexy, I don't feel pretty, I don't feel attractive.

quote:

I am being completely irresponsible by spending this money on myself. I could probably rattle off a hundred things in less than a minute that I should devote it to...my kids, my house, other debts that I don't have to pay off right away but probably should. Spending it on me is the most selfish thing I could do. How do I get through the guilt of doing that?

Selfish??? Oh my Darlin'...considering the above quote of how you are negatively effected by your body image, I see it as totally selfish for you not to do something. Look at at the ways over the years that your issues have stopped you from doing what you want to do and robbing others of the interaction they wanted with you. It is not selfish. What you are doing for yourself will be a huge benefit to your family and friends by things as basic as a more positive disposition and a higher energy level.

Surgery or counseling is a must. Personally, I would recommend counseling prior to surgery, as so many who have walked in your shoes believe that life will improve in an unrealistic magnitude once the surgery is complete and they have the body they have always dreamed of.

In fact...I would venture a guess I may have hit the nail on the head, at least partially? Perhaps you do have an unreal expectation of how glorious life will be once the surgery is over. Perhaps the fear you are feeling is simply your sub-conscious mind trying to protect you from a monumental letdown? You have dreamed of this for an incredible fifteen years...dreamed of how wonderful the end result will be. Might your sub-conscious self be the one who is frightened, not of the pain, swelling, drain-tubes, etc., but of a bitter end to a lifelong dream?

If that is the case, in my personal opinion, it is totally normal and expected to feel this way. Of course you have expectations! I am sure you have dreamed of that first shopping trip to try on a small sized sexy bra from Victoria's Secret, a pair of low cut jeans that do not give you a muffin top, a figure hugging tank top, etc. The fear of these expectations not met is devastating.

Just my two cents.

Whatever you do, I wish you the best of luck!!

< Message edited by sirsholly -- 8/3/2012 9:25:46 AM >

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RE: Nerves - 8/3/2012 10:49:50 AM

kitkat105

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I had a cosmetic procedure done recently and I do not regret it one bit. I was much like you.. worried sick. With the added stress of being a registered nurse so in my short career I've seen way too many things go wrong. All the feelings you are feeling are completely normal.

But you know what? I wanted this particularly surgery for almost 10 years. I didn't sleep the night before. I went, had the surgery and now 2 months post-operatively we're reaping the benefits. I am so happy I went through with it.

Can you call your surgeon? Or does he have a practice nurse you can speak to?

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RE: Nerves - 8/3/2012 11:20:43 AM

littlewonder

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I had a breast reduction over 10 years ago. I actually am more sensitive now than I ever was before. When I was huge, I couldn't feel a thing in my breasts. But now, I'm extremely sensitive. I admit I had very little pain and I was back to work a week later. The only pain meds I took were a few ibuprofen. As for scars, very few of them. I used mederma religiously to reduce them and they faded pretty quickly.

I also just had liposuction done about 2 months ago on my abdomen. The scars are so tiny that you would not even notice them. I still have some numbness but not much. It will fade away completely in about another month. I'm extremely happy with the results even though it will take another 4 months to see the complete look.

Again, to reduce scars, use mederma. Today's techniques are much different than years ago. Now there's very little pain, scarring or nerve damage.

< Message edited by littlewonder -- 8/3/2012 11:23:56 AM >

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RE: Nerves - 8/3/2012 12:59:33 PM

kitkat105

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Littlewonder brings up a very good point. Plastic surgery, as a general rule, is less invasive than general surgery. It takes a different kind of skill and technique to ensure the least amount of scarring and inflammation.

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RE: Nerves - 8/3/2012 1:54:40 PM

LadyConstanze

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Joined: 2/18/2005
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quote:

Now I''m thinking that I am being completely irresponsible by spending this money on myself. I could probably rattle off a hundred things in less than a minute that I should devote it to...my kids, my house, other debts that I don't have to pay off right away but probably should. Spending it on me is the most selfish thing I could do. How do I get through the guilt of doing that?

Tell you what, you can't take your money with you, my guess is that you spent enough on your children, and yep, time to do something nice for you. If it does give you more self-esteem then you got a higher quality of life!

Darling, if it is just for bras not fitting, then forgo the boob reduction, I'll gladly go bra shopping for you here and I tell you you can get anything and everything and sending them to you is not a big deal, they're light. You can even check out http://www.figleaves.com they got bras up to JJ and K and they are not outrageously expensive and sexy styles, none of that granny stuff that's more a contraceptive than lingerie!

The belly thing seems to really really stress you out, so I would definitely recommend that you go through that, just calm down, you did your research and you checked out the doctor, hey, you might get run over by a bus on you way to the surgery, everything is possible, but with a reputable doctor and modern surgery not very likely!

Stand in front of the mirror naked, think about if you will feel a lot better if you do it, then decide!

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RE: Nerves - 8/3/2012 2:11:56 PM

littlewonder

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ok, as for the guilty part you talked about op, I used to feel like you do. Then one day I woke up and said fuckit, it's my turn! If mama ain't happy, no one is happy!

So do something for yourself. Don't play the martyr to your children. You will find that the rest of your family will be happy as soon as they see you are happy and if that means getting some cosmetic surgery, so what?

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RE: Nerves - 8/3/2012 3:03:58 PM

LanceHughes

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Lance's PROVEN decision making process goes like this:

Take a coin, decide which is which (heads = surgery, tails = not) Write which is which so you don't forget. Put paper in front of you..... toss coin - look at paper. Listen to your heart say "I wish it comes up _____."

Do NOT look at coin - ever! Pick it up, hiding it from yourself, put it in a paper cup and shake. Maybe even have a kid come into the room to put it in a coffee mug for you.

Listen to your HEART - do NOT look at the coin - ever, ever, ever!

ETA: Of course, only YOU know what's in YOUR heart.

< Message edited by LanceHughes -- 8/3/2012 3:07:34 PM >

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RE: Nerves - 8/3/2012 4:18:55 PM

hausboy

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Lucifyre

Surgery decisions should never be taken lightly--and there is nothing wrong with asking to meet with your surgeon to discuss the procedures, options, etc. and if you feel the need to postpone it, usually you can do that (I'm assuming you put a deposit down) without penalty.

Nerves before surgery is totally a normal reaction--and so is a bit of shock and disappointment initially after.

I had a double mastectomy--if you want to CM me off list, I can share with you my experience with drains, post care, nipple sensitivity etc. For me, I had REALLY sensitive nipples. After chest surgery, I lost all sensation in them. Years later, I can finally feel some pain, but the erotic sensation is gone. I was bummed out--but the tradeoff made it well worthwhile.

There is nothing wrong having surgery for YOU...in fact, YOU are the only reason that YOU should have surgery. Don't do it for someone else's sake--do it because it is something you want to do for yourself...to feel good about yourself...
Don't allow yourself to feel guilty about it. You husband supports it, so you're not denying anybody anything.

good luck and I hope it all goes well for you

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Post #: 11

RE: Nerves - 8/3/2012 5:35:30 PM

Lucifyre

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I'm ok. I'm having the surgery. I'll panic again tomorrow.

After all day spent in crazy town, complete with tears and a headache and being upset, I came to the conclusion that you all are right, and I knew all of the things you said beforehand. Some of you touched a little closer than others, but in the end it's all about this is something I have been needing for the last 15 years. I spent some time on the phone with the nurse today as well. She reassured me that recovery time isn't usually as long for most healthy women as they tell you before surgery. What they are telling you is generally worst case scenario so you expect the longer time and are feeling better in a shorter time.
Considering the day I had my back surgery I was out of bed and walking by that evening, I tend to believe she is right.

I eat right, I run myself into the ground with my work (I rehab houses and do a lot of the hard work myself) I bend over backwards for my kids ALL the time. Mr put it into some perspective for me too. He and I (mostly me though) have been spoiling our kids every Christmas for thier entire lives. I never leave anything for Him to spend on me...so I watch my kids open thier shit and get excited...and forget about it within a week. If I were to divide the money I am spending on this evenly over all the Christmases I have gone without so they could have, it would be less than $1000.00 per year. So, fine, the money part has been deemed justified by Mr (I never wonder why I love this man)

I will get through the pain. It will suck...mainly because I'm stubborn about taking pain meds, I hate them. And the extremely low level of activity for a few weeks is really going to drive me bonkers.

I am NOT doing this just to wear smaller bras. None of my clothing fits me right. When I buy t-shirts I have to buy mens extra large to fit me in the chest...the shoulders are always way too big, but they do kind of hide my belly. I am always knocking into stuff with my boobs. Kitchen counters, doorhandles, everything seems to be at just the right height to catch me right in the nipple...that shit hurts and I'm tired of it. I'm also sick and damned tired of having to move them out of the way when I want to do anything...like shave my legs or have sex. Theyr probably fun to tie up...but I'm happy to have that not be the case just to get them the hell out of my way.
Plus, I want to wear cute little sundresses and a big fucking floppy hat :P And JEANS! OMG it will be so nice to be able to fit into a pair of real live girl jeans!
And Tank tops...you know the kind of tops you buy at bike week that even the large seems to be able 3" too short that are cut way down to HERE...

BUT...even if i don't turn into a supermodel overnight it doesn't matter because I will...I WILL be in better condition when it's over and I'm all healed up. I WILL be a happier person when I don't feel so ugly.

Mr has told me he is going to keep me drugged and silly for the first week so the skin can heal up without too much pain...plus he says I'll need to be drugged to get me to sit the hell still LOL.

I can't wait to throw out all of these big ass bras that could hold a 5lb bag of sugar in each cup.

Lucifyre

< Message edited by Lucifyre -- 8/3/2012 5:36:16 PM >

_____________________________

"Batteries? OMG, Bitch Please! My Shit plugs in!"
I do this because it fucking feels good.
I like girls who like girls
The thing about standards is: There are SO many to choose from.

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Post #: 12

RE: Nerves - 8/3/2012 8:50:58 PM

hausboy

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You'll do fine!

The drains are annoying but you get used to them--I took a pain med (tylenol3) right before getting them out (my drains were in for 7 days) and had no issue at all.

Bring with you a shirt that buttons or snaps closed--nothing tight and nothing you'll have to pull over your head because raising your arms is just not something you'll want to do right away. Have your honey make sure that you have bendy straws and water ready for when you get home after surgery--I was crazy thirsty. The bendy straws are a godsend. I also bought one of those "claws" so that I could pick up things if I dropped them, tie shoes etc. without bending over.

follow all of the aftercare instructions and you'll do fine--take it easy--it takes time before you'll feel 100% back to normal.

edited to add: pick up your pain meds before surgery day, that way you have them on hand and can take them right away if you need to, and don't have to wait for your honey to come back from the pharmacy while you are home in pain.

good luck and congrats
haus

< Message edited by hausboy -- 8/3/2012 8:52:45 PM >

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RE: Nerves - 8/3/2012 9:19:17 PM

littlewonder

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Just one more thing from me. Have you asked if your health insurance will cover this? When I got mine reduced my insurance paid for it because it was a necessity because my back hurt from the pain, I always had terrible headaches from the weight and permanent dents in my shoulders. So my doc put in a claim and it was accepted.

Just another thought instead of you having to use your money and then you could still use the money for other things.

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Post #: 14

RE: Nerves - 8/10/2012 7:51:10 AM

Lucifyre

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I just got the confirmation call for surgery Monday morning.
All of a sudden my palms are sweating, my head is swimming and I feel like puking.

I've been looking down at the saggy baggy elephant (boobs and belly) all week doing the happy dance that I get to say goodbye to them. Imaginging what the front of me is going to look like nakid in the mirror after Monday. What I look like now is burned into my brain like a laser show. It's fucking ugly and I cannot wait for it to all be gone.
No, my expectations are not too high, I know I will not be a supermodel when this is all overwith. I also know that the surgery is only going to drop 3-5 pounds which I won't even notice until like 6 months from now because of swelling and waterweight. Yep, don't care. Weight is JUST a number. Everywhere else on my body I carry it very well.

I can't wait to see my figure again. After he pulls all the tummy muscles tight again I will have a bit of a waistline.
The dresses I've had sitting in my closet for years are finally going to NOT squish my chest.
I get to buy new bras. When I get on all fours nakid I won't feel like saying MOO and be ready to be milked (lol shoosh)

Cripes this is so stupid, I feel like crying right now. No idea why, just all teary eyed and sniffley.

I watched a video of before and after of some woman who got a reduction, she was showing the hump between her shoulders from the weight of her large breasts.. I have that same ugly ass hump. GG I hope this helps it go away.
30ish years of slouching is gonna take a LONG ass time to retrain...IF I can even do that.

The dreams I have been having all week are just rediculous too. Usually when I dream I am already skinny and sexy and not saggy...this week however it's all there, every stretch mark, every little dimple of celulite, every tiny bit of saggy skin. Needless to say, I haven't slept for shit all week long. Even sex hasn't been able to distract me.

Oh and I've had a monster headache for 3 days now that I can't do shit about because the doctors office told me I can't take anything.

UUgh!

Dammit why can't it just be 6 months from now?

Lucifyre

_____________________________

"Batteries? OMG, Bitch Please! My Shit plugs in!"
I do this because it fucking feels good.
I like girls who like girls
The thing about standards is: There are SO many to choose from.

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Post #: 15

RE: Nerves - 8/10/2012 8:00:50 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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Knowing that you are going to have surgery is much worse than emergency surgery b/c you get to obsess about all the options.

You are going to be a total basket case unless you can work on your compartmentalization skills. Find something, anything to take your mind off it. A great book, a good movie, a trip to the park, shopping, whatever you find fun that you can lose yourself in for awhile.

You will get through it, but you'll get through it better if you are not mentally exhausted from sheer worry.

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Post #: 16

RE: Nerves - 8/10/2012 8:14:40 AM

Lucifyre

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

Knowing that you are going to have surgery is much worse than emergency surgery b/c you get to obsess about all the options.

You are going to be a total basket case unless you can work on your compartmentalization skills. Find something, anything to take your mind off it. A great book, a good movie, a trip to the park, shopping, whatever you find fun that you can lose yourself in for awhile.

You will get through it, but you'll get through it better if you are not mentally exhausted from sheer worry.

You're a gazillion percent right. Knowing ahead of time is the worst.
The thing is, I am not actually worried about the surgery itself. I've had stuff done before and I am actually looking forward to the nap.
My worries are all stemming from what comes after I wake up.
I have a list as long as my arm of things that are bugging me. Some of them are ok to worry about and some of them are just plain rediculous.
I have a logical brain and on a concious level I know it's all going to be fine, I'm going to be happy afterward, I am doing this for good reasons etc etc.
In the back of my head there are all these stupid little things that just won't shut the fuck up and let me be so I can get through this and not trip.

I have to say though, I really appreciate all the support I have gotten from all of you this week. I probably would have canceled my surgery 100 times had your voices of reason not stayed with me.
Thank you ;)

Lucifyre

_____________________________

"Batteries? OMG, Bitch Please! My Shit plugs in!"
I do this because it fucking feels good.
I like girls who like girls
The thing about standards is: There are SO many to choose from.

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Post #: 17

RE: Nerves - 8/10/2012 9:48:10 AM

LadyHibiscus

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I am SO EXCITED FOR YOU!!!!

Really!! Way back when, like more than 30 yrs ago, when I had my first BIG reconstruction, I was pretty much convinced that I was gonna die. It was like my tenth surgery, and no easier than any of the others. But it went really well once it was all over!!

Now I am hoping for more in another five years because OLDNESS. And thanks to you and LW, I get to find out about the latest and greatest!!

WOOHOOO!!!

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Post #: 18

RE: Nerves - 8/10/2012 9:54:30 AM

mnottertail

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xtOkNZK-m4A

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Post #: 19

RE: Nerves - 8/10/2012 9:57:52 AM

Lucifyre

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Joined: 3/27/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xtOkNZK-m4A

yep, thats kinda what it feels like they're gonna do LOL

Lucifyre

_____________________________

"Batteries? OMG, Bitch Please! My Shit plugs in!"
I do this because it fucking feels good.
I like girls who like girls
The thing about standards is: There are SO many to choose from.

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 20

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