how does one handle a situation:

how does one handle a situation: (Full Version)

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Choline -> how does one handle a situation: (8/12/2012 2:47:51 AM)
Where the sub is the breadwinner/provider? I'm a sub who is an RVT, I make decent money, have a car, a two bed room apartment... I handle my business. Recently started up with Dom who has a job, at a fast food joint. no car no drivers licence, shares a stuido with 2 other people. I guess I'm just hung up on the traditional roles as the Dom being the provider? Is there long term repercussions for my independence and his dependence? I would just like some feed back on the situation.

sunshinemiss -> RE: how does one handle a situation: (8/12/2012 2:54:04 AM)
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sunshinemiss -> RE: how does one handle a situation: (8/12/2012 2:57:55 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Choline Where the sub is the breadwinner/provider? I'm a sub who is an RVT, I make decent money, have a car, a two bed room apartment... I handle my business. Recently started up with Dom who has a job, at a fast food joint. no car no drivers licence, shares a stuido with 2 other people. I guess I'm just hung up on the traditional roles as the Dom being the provider? Is there long term repercussions for my independence and his dependence? I would just like some feed back on the situation. Well, I am personally of the mindset that a fellow I will be involved with has already mastered his own life before he has the opportunity to attempt to run mine. I also have made a decision that I don't want to be with someone who lives the kind of life you have noted your fellow is living. I want to be with someone of similar or higher socioeconomic class as my own. I can make more money, I can have a nicer home, but in the end, I don't want to give up my lifestyle in order to be with someone else, nor do I want to feel burdened (and yes, for me it would be a burden) by covering him financially in my lifestyle. I decided that because it is important to me. The question I have for you is this - his lifestyle will impact yours. What is your comfort level in that?

Choline -> RE: how does one handle a situation: (8/12/2012 3:52:41 AM)
RVT - Registered Veterinary Technican I spent a lot of time and money to get those fancy letters behind my name.

ARIES83 -> RE: how does one handle a situation: (8/12/2012 4:27:49 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Choline Where the sub is the breadwinner/provider? I'm a sub who is an RVT, I make decent money, have a car, a two bed room apartment... I handle my business. Recently started up with Dom who has a job, at a fast food joint. no car no drivers licence, shares a stuido with 2 other people. I guess I'm just hung up on the traditional roles as the Dom being the provider? Is there long term repercussions for my independence and his dependence? I would just like some feed back on the situation. I'm another one who's hung up on the traditional roles, in fact, it's how I roll... (funny!) Seriously I'm big on the Dom being the breadwinner and the Sub being the housewife, from what I've gathered on here that is actually a minority view but here is how it works for me... Being the breadwinner for me isn't just about traditional roles, it's about self respect. How could I walk around all big and dominant and then expect my sub to lend me money so I can go buy something... I am a control freak but not just the kind that likes being bossy and having people obey me, I need to control paying the bills, earning the money, I need to be the one who decides when the car needs new tyres or a service, and the list goes on... I thrive on planning for things, I thrive on decisions and being in control of my income is key to a lot of well-being, for me being a Dom isn't just about being in charge... It's about planning ahead to stay in control of my life, it's about improving my circumstances to maximise my options. And being dependant on my sub for money is totaly and utterly impossible for me to do. If he's a young guy then it's not to bad, if he's like 30 my advice is dump his ass... No car, fast food job and share house... common... As for long term effects, I duno, every relationship is diffrent and every person is unique... I do think that the fact you are asking the question is a sign that perhaps he isn't living up to your expectations, so ask yourself can you respect him as your Dom even when he is dependant on you? You might find this link helpful: Money & Doming -ARIES

AthenaSurrenders -> RE: how does one handle a situation: (8/12/2012 5:19:21 AM)
For most of our time together I've been the breadwinner. My husband moved countries to be with me. For the first six months he couldn't legally work. When he could, he struggled to find a decent job because he had no UK references, his qualifications were different and he wasn't trained in any specialist trade. As a result, his job was kinda crappy. On the other hand, I had a fairly good professional job. Honestly, it never really mattered to us. We married pretty early in the relationship and from that point on I never thought of it as his money and my money. It was just 'our money'. We both worked equally hard for what we brought home - just that circumstances were against him. We both needed the bills paid and food in the fridge. Whatever was left was for both of us - I was never interested in tallying up who paid for what and I certainly wouldn't have felt right knowing I had money for luxuries at the end of the month and he didn't. Six years later, he's in a much better job and earning much more, and I'm at home with the baby. Things change. As I see it, in a committed relationship both parties put in equal amounts, but not necessarily of the same stuff. We both work hard. Once upon a time, he was keeping the house while I worked. Now the opposite is true. In a marriage I expect us to be a team always. If tomorrow he was injured and couldn't work, it would be down to me to do it instead. I understand that the early stages of the relationship are different, of course. For me personally, I don't care whether my partner has less than me. I would care if he didn't have similar attitudes and goals. I need a partner who is willing to pull his weight and do an honest day's work, who is willing to work towards improving himself (studying and such) and who has a responsible attitude towards money. If we are alike in our attitudes to work, money, property etc, then once we commit to each other we will work together and get to the same place eventually. So that's a very long way of saying - the fact that he works in a fast food job etc wouldn't put me off, but I would be put off if I thought he had no ambition to work towards something more as that sounds like he's going to be incompatible with you in the long run.

MrRodgers -> RE: how does one handle a situation: (8/12/2012 5:36:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Choline RVT - Registered Veterinary Technican I spent a lot of time and money to get those fancy letters behind my name. Sorry, just can't see it myself. he is hardly worthy of the title...any title.

kalikshama -> RE: how does one handle a situation: (8/12/2012 5:40:33 AM)
quote: Is there long term repercussions for my independence and his dependence? Something to consider is are you taking one step towards a power exchange and two steps back? Are you feeling a need to equalize by choosing someone who can have power in the bedroom only?

kalikshama -> RE: how does one handle a situation: (8/12/2012 5:44:06 AM)
- How old is he? - Is he working in fast food while attending college or is that the scope of his ambition? - Why does he not have a driver's license? I have an entirely different opinion of people in urban areas like New York City who do not have a DL vs those who lost it through DUI.

Baroana -> RE: how does one handle a situation: (8/12/2012 5:46:02 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Choline Recently started up with Dom who has a job, at a fast food joint. no car no drivers licence, shares a stuido with 2 other people. Lady, that guy's cock had better taste like chocolate.

kalikshama -> RE: how does one handle a situation: (8/12/2012 5:48:45 AM)
Baroana FTW! I've had boy toys...but I was very aware that they had no long term relationship potential.

LaTigresse -> RE: how does one handle a situation: (8/12/2012 5:52:30 AM)
Around here, a registered vet tech doesn't exactly make a killer wage. In fact I, with no fancy letters behind my name, very likely make more. Anyone that is working full time, at a decent job, wouldn't have a lot of difficulty making as much as I or more. I am not sure I would be interested in being in a relationship with a person living as a student, unless they were still a student. What you described to us of his life, is similar to the thousands of college students around here. It seems as though your guy is stuck in the 'I don't want to grow up.' mindset. Not very mature or responsible. To ME, it would have less to do with the monetary amount but instead the lack of maturity, initiative, drive. You live in Missouri, not New York City where rents are terrifyingly high and sharing an apartment is nearly a given. That dude is no leader or master. He may have a dominant personality but he is no Dominant. I don't know what his age is but he needs to grow up and master himself before he attempts to master another.

LadyPact -> RE: how does one handle a situation: (8/12/2012 6:04:32 AM)
First, I want to say kudos to every response that asked further questions. I love seeing threads that aren't just knee jerk reactions. There's no way to call this on the information provided. Especially with the way unemployment stats are in this country. I've got a lot more respect for a man who will take a job, any job, to fulfill his financial obligations. Age? Definitely a factor. Is he 22 and just out of college? No license/no car. Again, I'd want to know what his life looks like. If we're talking about a major metropolitan area, he might not need either one. This isn't to say, OP, that you are not entitled to your own thoughts and opinions on this matter. If to you the male D has to be more financially successful than you, it may be in your best interest to find another one. I'm just not willing to make a snap judgement.

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: how does one handle a situation: (8/12/2012 6:12:18 AM)
I agree, we need to know more about this person before we can offer up any productive advice. Is he slinging up fast food b/c he's in school. So broke with school and work he can't afford a car or a decent place? Not every's family helps them out. If he's doing it on his own, I would be congratulating him, not denigrating him. See the difference? If he has no further ambitions in life and is NOT going to school of some kind (doesn't have to be a 4 year university, but he should have some plans to get out of serving up fast food), then that is a very big red flag to me. Exceptions would be newly moved into the area, perhaps from out of the country where English is not his primary language, etc. See where I am going? In that case he might need a few months to find his feet. So what are the circumstances? The circumstances would seriously matter to me. Case in point from my own personal past. When Himself moved 3000 miles to be with me, he immediately got a job at a bookstore doing retail. It was not a great job, retail never is, but he loves books, and it was a job he could do while he looked for a real job. Plus, he was trying to impress me with what a great guy he was. So he got a job in TWO DAYS. Then shit happened I won't go into and we suddenly and without real planning moved up to Indiana. We both registered for temp jobs. I got one right away, which led to a great job in which I made 3 times the money he did. It took him 2 months to get one, which did lead to a permanent job as well, but it was a sucky job he hated. He was also supremely OVER qualified for it. But he kept it. Why? B/c he hated those few weeks when I was employed and he wasn't. He'd rather have a crap job then no job at all. Finally he landed a job at the uni near here and guess what? It took a few years to move up (they actually created a job for him so they could promote him with proper pay b/c they were so afraid of losing him, that does not happen often in this economy), so he now has a great job with good benefits he loves. Moral of the story? As with so many things, context really is everything.

thishereboi -> RE: how does one handle a situation: (8/12/2012 6:17:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Choline Where the sub is the breadwinner/provider? I'm a sub who is an RVT, I make decent money, have a car, a two bed room apartment... I handle my business. Recently started up with Dom who has a job, at a fast food joint. no car no drivers licence, shares a stuido with 2 other people. I guess I'm just hung up on the traditional roles as the Dom being the provider? Is there long term repercussions for my independence and his dependence? I would just like some feed back on the situation. If this is a problem, then why did you start up with him in the first place? Did he start out lying about his living situation? Personally as long as my partner has a job that will support her, then I really don't care if it's at an office, a factory or a fast food place. She is the one who has to be there all day, not me. As far as the driving, it would depend on why she didn't drive. My friends daughter didn't get her license until she was almost 30. It didn't effect her ability to support herself or get where she wanted to go so who cares. Living with roommates is another one that I would have to know the reason for. Some people don't like the idea of living alone. Some people see the need to save money. There are all kinds of reasons for it. I wouldn't neccesarily see it as a bad thing. It would depend on the situation.

DarkSteven -> RE: how does one handle a situation: (8/12/2012 6:34:41 AM)
Choline, I don't know you, and I don't know why you chose this guy. But here is the pertinent info you provided: His job is unskilled, he lives with others, he has no DL, and he has no car. You, from your profile, are very serious about your education. Your posts make it clear that status is big to you. The thing that troubles me is that your posts list the reasons you are not compatible. Not the reasons you are. None of the good things, just the bad ones. It sounds like you don't feel comfortable with his ability to direct his own life. If he becomes your Dom, you must feel comfortable with him directing your life as well. Perhaps you need to sit down and think through the criteria you have for a Dom, and then ask why your current choice is so far from them.

Choline -> RE: how does one handle a situation: (8/12/2012 7:05:33 AM)
I didn't get to all the posts but I did want to answer a few of the questions posed: He is in his late 20s and he does have ambition to go back to school to better his life. He did not lose his licence due to DUI or anything wrong. He lives in a meto area and never renewed it when it expired. The problem with this is that I live about 3 hours away so I always have to drive to see him. He will be getting a larger apartment with his current roommates. I still don't like this idea. For the life style we live, privacy is important. I guess what I'm thinking at this point is, that I'm willing to invest time into him since hes willing to improve his situation. I do like his style in the bedroom. We have similar beliefes and I enjoy spending time with him when we are in our roles and when we are vanilla. I just know myself and if I spend 3 years having faith that he will change his situation and he doesn't? I'm a firey red-head and I will destroy the relationship... its kinda my MO. Except I'm not 22 any more, I don't have 3 years to waste.

sexyred1 -> RE: how does one handle a situation: (8/12/2012 7:12:51 AM)
I don't care about how much money someone makes, I make my own money. I only care about how much the man loves me, cares for me, is he a good person, etc. If you are going to get hung up on stereotypical gender roles then you should not have started with him.

AthenaSurrenders -> RE: how does one handle a situation: (8/12/2012 7:20:21 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Choline I didn't get to all the posts but I did want to answer a few of the questions posed: He is in his late 20s and he does have ambition to go back to school to better his life. He did not lose his licence due to DUI or anything wrong. He lives in a meto area and never renewed it when it expired. The problem with this is that I live about 3 hours away so I always have to drive to see him. He will be getting a larger apartment with his current roommates. I still don't like this idea. For the life style we live, privacy is important. I guess what I'm thinking at this point is, that I'm willing to invest time into him since hes willing to improve his situation. I do like his style in the bedroom. We have similar beliefes and I enjoy spending time with him when we are in our roles and when we are vanilla. I just know myself and if I spend 3 years having faith that he will change his situation and he doesn't? I'm a firey red-head and I will destroy the relationship... its kinda my MO. Except I'm not 22 any more, I don't have 3 years to waste. Any relationship is a gamble. You like him, he likes you, you seem to have similar life goals... Even someone who already had a nice house, well paying job, fancy car etc could turn out to not be for you three years down the line. Being in a relationship involves putting your heart, and your time, on the line. If you go into it with the attitude that it will be a waste of time if it's not forever, then you will probably talk yourself out of lots of great guys along the way. I'd be more concerned about your MO being to destroy a relationship by being fiery... what does that mean?

Baroana -> RE: how does one handle a situation: (8/12/2012 7:21:26 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Choline I didn't get to all the posts but I did want to answer a few of the questions posed: He is in his late 20s and he does have ambition to go back to school to better his life. He did not lose his licence due to DUI or anything wrong. He lives in a meto area and never renewed it when it expired. The problem with this is that I live about 3 hours away so I always have to drive to see him. He will be getting a larger apartment with his current roommates. I still don't like this idea. For the life style we live, privacy is important. I guess what I'm thinking at this point is, that I'm willing to invest time into him since hes willing to improve his situation. I do like his style in the bedroom. We have similar beliefes and I enjoy spending time with him when we are in our roles and when we are vanilla. I just know myself and if I spend 3 years having faith that he will change his situation and he doesn't? I'm a firey red-head and I will destroy the relationship... its kinda my MO. Except I'm not 22 any more, I don't have 3 years to waste. It's always easy for an outsider, who is not emotionally involved, to assess the situation and advise you based on logic. Unfortunately, that's the best I can do here. It does not matter how old you are. You will not be happy if you settle for someone who is not already the man you want him to be. If you love him the way he is, striving to gain more financial independence, with a personality that turns you on, then stick with him. If you think you see better things on the horizon, but you are waiting for him to make that shift from ambition to action, then you will probably end up wasting a lot of time. If I was you in that situation, I would not wait three years to end the relationship. You don't need to destroy anything. Just tell him that the two of you are in different phases in life, and it won't work out. Edited to add: I think I detect a slight hint of "What if this is the best I can do, given who I am and what I am looking for?" If that is an issue for you at all, then give yourself the gift of a good counselor. It doesn't mean you're weird. Honestly, I think that therapy is how "normal" appearing people get and stay that way.

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