RE: Does a sub have a right to claim exclusivity?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: Does a sub have a right to claim exclusivity?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: Does a sub have a right to claim exclusivity?

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 4 5 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Does a sub have a right to claim exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 8:10:57 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

He has a right to tell you you can't demand exclusivity...and you have a right to walk.
And the lying, yeah, that's a good reason to walk.

I agree. You have the right to make exclusivity a sticking point. But, that doesn't mean that they have to agree. What it does mean is that you need to walk away from people that don't share your ideals.

That said....it wouldn't have helped your current situation. He lied to you. Over and over.

Whatever you do, do not be friends with this man. Why would you be friends with someone that would betray you?

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Kana)

Post #: 21

RE: Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 8:11:00 AM

lamale

Posts: 38
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline

The relationship is what you define it to be. If you want exclusive, you hold out for someone who also wants exclusive. Nothing wrong with that.

Based on what you wrote, the man was definitely skilled at lying, and somehow found the time to spend a lot of his with you. Don't beat yourself up - based on what you wrote, there's no way you could have known.

Both men and women are sometimes dogs, by the way. Lying and cheating is not the exclusive domain of males.

As to what the "norm" is, that's more difficult to define.

Up until this weekend, when I attended my first live BDSM event/party, I thought exclusivity was more often the case than not. But socializing and talking with some of the people there, I discovered to my surprise that many if not most of the Doms/Masters had more than one sub/slave, talked openly about it with the women present, and no one seemed to give much of a shit.

Seems like a fuck of a lot of work to me.

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 22

RE: Does a sub have a right to claim exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 8:18:06 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kanina

quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

quote:

Second because it is easier to find a dom thAn a slave

No, it isn't any easier if what you WANT is something that isn't disposable. It goes both ways.

It does. but generally i think it is.

Sorry for the mistake, make English isn't good. But I'm practicing.

No worries. English as a second (or more) language isn't all that uncommon here :)

There are as many dominants looking for that special person to connect with as there are submissives doing the same, IMO. The problem, I think, is the communication skill set. GENERALLY SPEAKING: women communicate in one way while the males communicate it another.

hell, IME, this generality transcends d/s;m/s;BDSM.

Not saying that the generality doesn't cross genders, I think most of us have seen the same thing when genders are reversed!

< Message edited by GreedyTop -- 8/14/2012 8:19:46 AM >

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to kanina)

Post #: 23

RE: Does a sub have a right to claim exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 8:24:11 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

A slave can demand anything she wants, and so can a Master, prior to a relationship. Once the relationship is established, changes have to be done very carefully. But truthfulness is something that MUST be demanded of both parties.

That said, a few things.

1. You are stuck with your username, unless you close down your profile and start up another.
2. It's not at all hard to find a compatible Dom. Go out to any of the dozens of munches and groups in California, and meet people. One of them may be the Dom you're looking for, or at least know someone who'd fit the bill. Women get more smarts as they age, and generally lose some looks. Your looks are pretty damn good for a woman of 40 (I've heard Asian women age well), so I expect you'd get some serious interest.
3. I'd recommend changing your profile to list Polyamory as a hard limit.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Kana)

Post #: 24

RE: Does a sub have a right to claim exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 8:48:45 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

2. It's not at all hard to find a compatible Dom. Go out to any of the dozens of munches and groups in California, and meet people.

I agree. There are a zillion events in the Los Angeles area, and lots of good guys. If you're shy about going alone, email me and I will make sure someone is there to stand by you and not take advantage of you.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 25

RE: Does a sub have a right to claim exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 8:51:52 AM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

GENERALLY SPEAKING: women communicate in one way while the males communicate it another.

hell, IME, this generality transcends d/s;m/s;BDSM.

Oh Hell yes!

Nail. Hammer. Head..

(It's JMHO and all, but I think, very very broadly speaking, using wild ass generalizations that would make my Logic teacher die of shame, but I think women think with their heart, men think with their head. Or women react first emotionally, whereas men approach things logically. Men go ABCDEFG, women go ABQ9~7?>&6D something Cyrillic, then something Greek ...And just to avoid the feminine blast I feel coming my way, lemme add that I think this thinking with their heart, it makes women better people, more compassionate, more considerate, more bonding, and, oh yeah, better emotional communicators too. So no, it's not meant as an insult or anything derogatory or women hating, just a general observation.)

< Message edited by Kana -- 8/14/2012 8:53:02 AM >

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 26

RE: Does a sub have a right to claim exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 8:57:01 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

even without the caveat, Kana, I agree (generally speaking..LOL)

once again, you give me reason to love you long time!! ;) *waves and sends hugs to lw*

(I'm SO glad you're attached, Kana... give the fuzzybutt Domina scritchies for me)

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to Kana)

Post #: 27

RE: Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 9:36:36 AM

SacredDepravity

Posts: 270
Joined: 8/6/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

quote:

ORIGINAL: SacredDepravity

fast reply-

I didn't read a darn thing because it changes my answer not one bit. If you want exclusive, then look for exclusive. A subbie that doesn't want to share needs to be looking for a dom that does not want to share. Further, if there is a spouse or other current partner, it already is not exclusive and it is foolish to think it is going to change later. Sometimes people come to be open to not being exclusive, but that is not exactly the norm either. Look for what you want. If you settle for someone who wants very different things, regardless of relationship position, do not be surprised when those things end the relationship.

SD

I'm assuming you meant that as general advice, yes?

Very general advice. It is much easier to deal with things on the front end than to try and make adjustments in the middle. That's all. It can be done I suppose, but is far more stress than is necessary. Being in a situation where changes have had to be made midstream, I can tell you it's not easy and for a time the relationship suffered. I'd much rather have not had to go through it. And the truth is that people do change in what they need over time (that's how my situation arose) and it's adapt or die. If you are getting to start with a fresh canvas, then why not begin with the best possible potential?

SD

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 28

RE: Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 10:31:04 AM

searching4mysir

Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PlayWithMe911

quote:

ORIGINAL: searching4mysir

quote:

As a slave/sub, do I have a right to demand exclusivity?

Absolutely. And the fact that he felt that he needed to lie about it proves that he is untrustworthy. Were it me, it would cause me to ask "what makes me think I'm the only piece of tail he has on the side? What else has he told me that has been a lie? Did he lie when he said he was clean too? "

I'm monogamous. If Master were not also monogamous, he would not be my Master. It's a deal-breaker for me and I walk.

Thank God we always used protection. In hindsight, it was probably to protect his fiance, but in the end it protected me too since who's to say there isn't an "other-other" woman.

I would still make sure to get a full std panel before getting sexually involved with someone new. Condoms don't protect against every STD since not all STDs are transmitted through body fluid.

Regardless, good luck in your search. There are good guys out there.

< Message edited by searching4mysir -- 8/14/2012 10:35:23 AM >

_____________________________

No longer searching -- found my one and only right here on CM

(in reply to PlayWithMe911)

Post #: 29

RE: Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 11:06:57 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PlayWithMe911
Shortly after that, I found evidence on the internet that he was engaged. He claims that they are also old sites, that she is an old ex ad he never proposed. However, all the sites I found have recent timestamps and one had her confirming they were getting married.

To recap. You are pondering whether you should enter into a TPE relationship... presumably that means... you know... doing pretty much everything that he says... with a man you do not trust? I don't know if he's lied to you or not. Amateur investigators OFTEN make amateur mistakes. But what I do know is you don't trust him.

Carry on is all I can say.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to PlayWithMe911)

Post #: 30

RE: Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 11:21:03 AM

PlayWithMe911

Posts: 10
Joined: 5/2/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

quote:

ORIGINAL: PlayWithMe911
Shortly after that, I found evidence on the internet that he was engaged. He claims that they are also old sites, that she is an old ex ad he never proposed. However, all the sites I found have recent timestamps and one had her confirming they were getting married.

To recap. You are pondering whether you should enter into a TPE relationship... presumably that means... you know... doing pretty much everything that he says... with a man you do not trust? I don't know if he's lied to you or not. Amateur investigators OFTEN make amateur mistakes. But what I do know is you don't trust him.

Carry on is all I can say.

I have already walked away and don't plan to ever contact him again. My question was, in the BDSM world is a poly situation the normal and just an accepted part of the lifestyle.

What I've heard is there is no norm. It is different for every relationship and is defined by the couple. However, if exclusivity was agreed to based on lies, then RUN BABY RUN.

As for the amateur investigation, there was a picture of them together flashing her engagement ring, a second picture in that lovey-dovey engagement style, her acknowledging in her own words the existence of their planned wedding. All of them date stamped during the time he and I were together.

< Message edited by PlayWithMe911 -- 8/14/2012 11:27:20 AM >

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 31

RE: Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 11:22:57 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PlayWithMe911

I have already walked away and don't plan to ever contact him again. My question was, in the BDSM world is a poly situation the normal and just an accepted part of the lifestyle.

What you described is NOT poly. What you described is cheating. Poly is a situation where everyone knows about the others.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to PlayWithMe911)

Post #: 32

RE: Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 11:24:18 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

Well again, I don't understand what exclusivity has to do with this question. The guy is either honorable or he is not in your eyes. If he is not then giving your very self to him seems... unwise.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to PlayWithMe911)

Post #: 33

RE: Does a sub have a right to claim exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 11:29:52 AM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

A slave can demand anything she wants, and so can a Master, prior to a relationship. Once the relationship is established, changes have to be done very carefully. But truthfulness is something that MUST be demanded of both parties.

That said, a few things.

1. You are stuck with your username, unless you close down your profile and start up another.
2. It's not at all hard to find a compatible Dom. Go out to any of the dozens of munches and groups in California, and meet people. One of them may be the Dom you're looking for, or at least know someone who'd fit the bill. Women get more smarts as they age, and generally lose some looks. Your looks are pretty damn good for a woman of 40 (I've heard Asian women age well), so I expect you'd get some serious interest.
3. I'd recommend changing your profile to list Polyamory as a hard limit.

Wow, DS. I expect more from you.

Not hard to find a compatible Dom. Really? I must be doing something very wrong then because I don't enounter many compatible Doms.

Women lose their looks as they age? I don't know about that; I actually get hit on the same amount.

None of the above is actually relevant to what the OP said.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 8/14/2012 11:30:40 AM >

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 34

RE: Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 11:31:58 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

You have the right to demand anything you want. He has the right to demand anything he wants. You both have the right to walk out the door if you want. Doesn't mean your demand will be answered or what you want however.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to PlayWithMe911)

Post #: 35

RE: Does a sub have a right to claim exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 11:33:39 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

quote:

it's harder for a slave to lose her Master than a Master to lose a slave.

I don't know whatever gave you that idea. Men are human with emotions as well. Why would their heartbreak be anything less??????

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to PlayWithMe911)

Post #: 36

RE: Does a sub have a right to claim exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 11:37:39 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

I am SO agreeing with the previous 3 posts!! (hoping nobody posted to interrupt my count!!!)

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 37

RE: Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 11:41:17 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

Well again, I don't understand what exclusivity has to do with this question. The guy is either honorable or he is not in your eyes. If he is not then giving your very self to him seems... unwise.

It's the first thing the diminants say when they are caught cheating "I'm poly."

Or, "You are a slave, you have no rights, so I can do what I want."

Or, any combination of the above they think will actually work.

Hopefully we have her sorted out. The guy is a lying, cheating person masquerading as a "master." She is well rid of him. Let's not blame the victim here. I think she is aware that she has some thinking and learning to do.

This thread started this morning, she might need a few hours to re-write her profile.

Let me amend that, please. She needs to can her profile, the user name sucks.

< Message edited by ChatteParfaitt -- 8/14/2012 11:42:45 AM >

_____________________________

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 38

RE: Does a sub have a right to claim exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 11:46:58 AM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

quote:

it's harder for a slave to lose her Master than a Master to lose a slave.

Men are human with emotions as well. Why would their heartbreak be anything less??????

Bah-Get rid of that sob sister sissy you're with and head on out with a One Twue Dom (Patent Pending) and you'll discover differently

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 39

RE: Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 11:47:38 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

Well again, I don't understand what exclusivity has to do with this question. The guy is either honorable or he is not in your eyes. If he is not then giving your very self to him seems... unwise.

It's the first thing the diminants say when they are caught cheating "I'm poly."

Or, "You are a slave, you have no rights, so I can do what I want."

Or, any combination of the above they think will actually work.

Hopefully we have her sorted out. The guy is a lying, cheating person masquerading as a "master." She is well rid of him. Let's not blame the victim here. I think she is aware that she has some thinking and learning to do.

This thread started this morning, she might need a few hours to re-write her profile.

Let me amend that, please. She needs to can her profile, the user name sucks.

SO TOTALLY this...

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 40

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 4 5 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: Does a sub have a right to claim exclusivity?

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 4 5 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.094