Help please--I need advice (Full Version)

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sweetpleaser -> Help please--I need advice (11/2/2004 5:00:00 PM)

First a little background, I was married for 12 years before my husband died of cancer at 38. While He was alive we had Sunday dinner with his parents each week. After his passing I continued to go there because of my young daughter. I was never real close to His parents. When I first started dating the inlaws were very hurt. They gave me the “didn’t He mean anything to you?” guilt speech. I’ve stopped going there for Sunday dinners in the last year. The inlaws are hurt by that too. They keep saying they not only lost a son but their family as well. They are welcome to spend time with my daughter any time they want to. They are upset now also because they wanted us to spend Thanksgiving with them and I said we would spend it in our home. Now it is almost 3 years since His passing and I have found someone I want to marry. I haven’t told the inlaws yet because the mother is very emotional. The inlaws do not like my BF and neither does my family. I think they compare him to my late husband and won’t give him a chance. I am torn because I want to please everyone. Is it unfair of me to go through with my plans and not give it more time for them all to get used the idea (even though my BF and I have lived together for more than a year)?



knees2you -> RE: Help please--I need advice (11/2/2004 5:44:40 PM)

Sweetpleaser,[:D]

Who are You trying to please, Ask Yourself these Questions???

Am I trying to please my dead Husbands Family? Am I trying to please my Own Family?[&:]

Or Am I trying to please my Own self. I hope that this Guy is not
Abusive, and that He makes You, {not them} Happy.[:)]

If He's a good guy, The'll come around to see that.

My Heart and Prayers go out to You~

Sincerely, Anthony[;)]

[image]local://upfiles/19655/3B71C67436E84DFCAB4DF32B58B4FA56.gif[/image]



sub4hire -> RE: Help please--I need advice (11/2/2004 6:08:28 PM)

I agree with Knees.

Also, why don't you ask them to come to your home for thanksgiving. However, this is the man you love now. If they come they agree to be civil. If not, no hard feelings.
That way you are'nt keeping "their family" from them. You're actually trying to help them with it.
It's only natural they are having a hard time. He was their son. If they decline, perhaps they just need some more time to deal with it.




sweetpleaser -> RE: Help please--I need advice (11/2/2004 6:09:42 PM)

Thank you Anthony. My BF is not abusive. He doesn't drink or do drugs. He has taken on the responsibility of being a stepfather even though he has no children of his own. I would say he is a good guy. And he makes me happy.[:)] The problem is that my family sees him as being controlling. It is hard for me to explain he is a little dominant.[;)]



sweetpleaser -> RE: Help please--I need advice (11/2/2004 6:13:22 PM)

Thank you Gloria. I offered to have them here for Thanksgiving but they declined. She said they never feel welcome here but I don't see how because my BF is always friendly to them.



subbiejenn -> RE: Help please--I need advice (11/2/2004 6:22:50 PM)


hugs sis!

i had to giggle when i read they seen Him as controlling... and that is a bad thing why??

i agree with knees also...

i am sure the death of your husband was awful and traumatic and it is time for you to move on and find happiness. The in laws should understand this, maybe you can try and explain it to them. For me it is always easier to sit down and write a letter and explain my feelings really well, talking in person or on the phone things are not always said well or taking in the correct context. Emotions get high and turns into a fight but a letter she could read and read (listen) to all of it without chiming in.

Hugs sis and good luck with it, you know where to find me if i can help in anyway.

~jenn~





rubytuesday -> RE: Help please--I need advice (11/2/2004 8:01:39 PM)

Gosh your post nearly made me cry - I lost my husband to cancer when he was 33 so I can understnad a little of what you must be going through.

All I can add to what the others have said is that your husband would have not wanted you to be mourning him for the rest of your life - goodness only knows there are always moments for the rest of your life where you will stop and think about him for whatever reason - thats healthy but not getting on with your life is a total waste. Please dont take steps back for other people!

You are SO doing the right thing - and if your inlaws cant accept that then you need to move on - try and always make your daughter available to see them but please dont make their problems yours - its a stressful enough time without that. And if they think hes controlling - just remember you are the one choosing to marry him - and if you are happy then what the heck - you go girl and be happy - if you ever need a cyber ear to bend feel free to use mine :-)

Actually Jenn's idea of writing a letter is a good one - and if you want us to read it for you before it goes just yell.

Take care and be happy
Di



cheeba0228 -> RE: Help please--I need advice (11/2/2004 8:21:08 PM)

I dont think the question should be who are you trying to please, it should be more like Who's life is it? I dont think anyone could ever take the place of a spouse that has passed, however nothing can fill the void that is left by lonliness if you dont let it in either. You need companionship and although im sure you are wanting to be civil and compassionate to their feelings, it is you that is alone and not them, you must solve your own problems before you can solve others.



EStrict -> RE: Help please--I need advice (11/2/2004 8:39:26 PM)

Reality is, you can only control *you*,, you can't control others.

My biological father died when I was less than 2. My mother remarried the man that I have always called *daddy*. My grandparents on my father's side NEVER forgave my mother. In time, we could feel the tension and we *the kids* chose not to make my mom feel it any longer. Kids are not stupid.

Talk to your daugher,, talk to THEM. Make sure that they realize how your daughter feels about the new man in your life. Tell them flat out that to YOU she is the main thing, and if they chose to somehow force her to chose, they are are risking her mental heath and you have to wonder about how much they care about her :(

I'm in a wierd place. I have a 27 month old that has lived with me for 21 of his 27 months, and soley with use for the last 13 months. Supposedly he is young enough that the fighting he has seen, the abuse he experienced, etc won't matter. Should Master or I raise our voice, for ANY reason, (the most common one actually being postive like cheering for sports, but he doesn't get that) he grabs one of our hands and pulls us to the other and tells use to kiss,,, he hates fighting.

Any time he spends with the family of a good friend of ours causes nightmares (we believe because they were who he spent the most time with when his parents were getting back together, fighting, and leaving him alone).

My children are the most important thing in my life. With as much as I love, respect and even worship Master, he knows the one thing I could not tolerate is him risking the physical or mental well being of *our* children. He was with me through many tearful nights when I let my ex have his way to try to save my children pain.

If your BF is anything like he is (and from what you said, I believe he understands fears and thoughts concerning your child), he will always be there to support you. You can't control how her grandparents will react. You can't even control how your own parents will, though I do belive when they see you thrive and be REALLY happy with this man, they will realize their fears were unfounded. They ONLY thing *you* can control is putting your daughters emotional welfare first by basically hitting her grandparents over the head with simple facts:

- You loved thier son
- You miss their son
- In your daugher, you have a piece of their son with you always.
- Their son loved you.
- Your son wanted you to have a good and happy life.
- Your son wanted the best for his daughter
- *the best* would include a 2 parent home with a HAPPY mother and a step-father that loves her.
- You would have NEVER asked for the hand fate dealt you with thier son,,, BUT, you deserve, need, want, and WILL HAVE a full life, not just for you, but for your daughter.




sweetpleaser -> RE: Help please--I need advice (11/3/2004 5:54:42 AM)

Thanks jenn; I knew I could count on you for a great idea. I will write a letter and see if that helps.

Yep, vanilla people see dominant men as a bad thing, go figure.



sweetpleaser -> RE: Help please--I need advice (11/3/2004 5:58:19 AM)

Ruby, Cheeba and Sandy: Thank you for helping me so much!! I was feeling real selfish. I need to remember that my daughter has given us her blessing and that counts for a lot. You have all given me more confidence and I appreciate it!!



Thanatosian -> RE: Help please--I need advice (11/3/2004 10:53:09 AM)

quote:

I am torn because I want to please everyone.


Ancient saying - try to please everyone, and you end up pleasing no one, yourself included.

As long as you and your daughter are happy with the new BF, I do not see where you are taking anything away from anyone else - maybe point out to the inlaws that their son would certainly want you to be happy, and that this new man is helping you do be so.

Just my tuppence.



aliljaded1 -> RE: Help please--I need advice (11/3/2004 11:30:59 AM)

id have to agree w/ you here . i have a similar situation and ive decided this year to spend the holidays w/ my family . granted Theyre a buncha weirdo's but my kids think that Theyre fun and i love going there because they get to act like lil kids .im sick of trying to please everyone and watching my kids sit miserably at a table w/ a dry turkey and and my anal ex-inlaws . good luck sis ! in the end all falls into place.



happypervert -> RE: Help please--I need advice (11/3/2004 2:35:29 PM)

Sorry to hear about all these unfortunate and awkward circumstances, ann.

Others have dealt with Thanksgiving already. I don't think there is any good way to tell the in-laws about your plans to remarry, because ma ain't going to get any less emotional. So just tell them and let them deal with it so you can move on with YOUR life.

BTW -- I think it was really rotten of them to give you that guilt speech when you started dating again. That would certainly make me a lot less eager to "please" them.



blushes4u -> RE: Help please--I need advice (11/3/2004 2:36:19 PM)

Was truly touched by this post because of my own situation. I would submit my own story but i start to cry and then i can't see what i'm typing and then...well anyway....just remember your child and your own welfare comes first. If you are both happy then they should be happy for you as well. Good luck to you :)



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