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1. You did not describe how his mother's doing. Either he's not sharing it with you, or you didn't describe it to us. It sounds like she may be very sick - if so, I'd expect her condition to dictate his actions.

Reply: I have asked if his Mom is ok, he tells me his mom is ok and he is busy helping her that "it's a long story, tell you later". Any time I text him when he is out of state at his mom's I always ask first"How is your mom? and I say be safe there and when traveling back.

2. He is with his mother, who is sick. He is with family members, many of whom he likely hasn't seen for years. It'd be natural for him to want to spend uninterrupted time with them. I find it telling that your natural response is to assume he's cheating.
Reply: He has not said his Mom is sick.

He visits his family often, it's only about a 5 hour drive. Since I met him in April this year he has made this trip 4 times, the las two were just 2 days apart, which makes me wonder, How does he manage to get that kind of time off from work?


3. "[He] informed me he would be there a week maybe longer... I asked him when he will return and he did not give me an answer." Of course not. He's with his sick mother and has told you he doesn't know how long he'll be there. You're still pestering him about wanting him back. Let me repeat that - he's with a sick mother in her 70s or 80s and doesn't know how much longer he'll have her, and your concern is when he'll return to you. That's telling.

Reply:He has not said his mother was sick, just that he is busy and it's a long story.

You're screwing this up by being clingy and needy. You have a golden opportunity right now to get closer to him. You should be asking him about how his mother is doing (the uppermost thing in his mind), and asking him to tell you about the other people there, his family. Could he tell you stories about them from his younger days? If he IS cheating (and the more I think about this, the more I think he isn't), he'll get caught in a web of lies. If he's not cheating, you'll get closer to him.

Reply: We do not have a girlfriend/ boyfriend type Dom/sub relationship. He has said he was ok if I have a "lover", just 1. Or if I date and I decide that continuing the Dom/sub relationship, I just inform him and he lets me go.

Did you notice that he told you he might not be immediately available to you? And that you thought you had to mention it? He's with friends and family that he hasn't seen for years. OF COURSE he's not going to be at your beck and call. And he's dealing with a LOT right now and your neediness isn't high on his radar.

reply: From what I can tell by the frequency of these rips He sees his family/ friends often. I don't want to be needy, clingy.

My suggestions are:

1. Tell him that you miss him. Would it be possible to speak with him every night when he gets some time to himself? Understand that he'll be worn out but you'd love to hear his voice, even for only five minutes. Also, you'd like to just know how he's doing - you know he's under a lot of stress and you're worried about him. DO NOT expect play over the phone - he may opt to do it but he's stretched out and may well not be up to it. Your goal is to be quietly supportive of HIS needs while he's going through a lot.

Reply: When he is out of state I do text him and ask how he and his mom are doing. sometimes I get an answer that day. Though on this trip it may be a day or more before he answers. We don't talk on the phone, we only text or email.

2. Therapy. You've likely been cheated on before and are dealing with your feelings now, and ignoring what he's going through. You're responding with clinginess and anger, and you're about to bitch up a good relationship. You've got issues and need to deal with them.

Best of luck.

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ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders

Suddenly whether he is lying or not is not the big issue - the real issue is that he's not making you as much of a priority as you want.

If he's only contacting you for play and hook ups, if you're both dating (or able to date) others... yup sounds like kinky fuck buddies.

I'm not sure what you're getting at with 'part time sub'. Everyone has other obligations - jobs, families, chores, hobbies, church dinners, aging parents etc etc... It's still possible to be in a 'full time' Dom/sub relationship, just with the realistic attitude that sometimes it's grocery shopping and dentist appointments instead of shibari and orgasms. Do you mean you only want to submit in the bedroom and not in other areas of life? Or do you just mean this is a casual relationship?

Reply: I would submit to what ever my dom agrees to, as he knows my hard limits. By 'part time' we have what I would call a 'casual relationship'. Meaning he is agreeable to me having a "lover", 1 lover. Or I can date ect, If my Dom invited me into his life more as his sub, for example to be 'dating' I would enjoy that. However I do have 1 issue that my dom has with me that wouldprevent us from having a 'dating/boyfriend/girlfriend Dom/sub relationship. At least the way i understand it. I'm ok with a once or twice a week "play session".


Now if you're happy with only meeting every now and then for some kinky sex then great! But he's probably not going to make much time for you whilst he's embroiled in some family crisis. If you want to have a relationship beyond this, it's time to speak up or get out. He's satisfied but I sense you are not.

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I would submit to what ever my dom agrees to, as he knows my hard limits. By 'part time' we have what I would call a 'casual relationship'. Meaning he is agreeable to me having a "lover", 1 lover. Or I can date ect, If my Dom invited me into his life more as his sub, for example to be 'dating' I would enjoy that. However I do have 1 issue that my dom has with me that wouldprevent us from having a 'dating/boyfriend/girlfriend Dom/sub relationship. At least the way i understand it. I'm ok with a once or twice a week "play session".

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ORIGINAL: lkb0503

Lady Pact and all others: I had to see it from other's eyes, but you are right, it's a "booty call" or he is married, ect. He was all about texting me, emailing when there was a "chase". now that I want what he gives me I'm no longer a challenge. I don't want to give up exploring BDSM, I just will have to find it with a guy who isn't in it for just a "booty call". I dont want a 24/7 BDSM lifestyle so I will need to do some serious soul searching and go from there. Thanks everyone for the good adivce.

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ORIGINAL: lkb0503

Ty again, the insights are very valuable. I am gaining more understanding about this lifestyle, it's not all "50 Shades of Grey".

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"50 Shades of Grey" is to BDSM, what "Pirates of the Caribbean" is to Somalian pirates.

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ORIGINAL: lkb0503

Clarification: My Dom and me are not in a boyfriend/girlfriend type 'relationship". He even has told me if I choose to 'date' or have 1 'lover', he is ok with that. Any time I text him when he goes out of state I ask how his Mom is or say I hope your Mom is ok. He always says" Mom is ok, I'm busy have lots going on" Even when he is local he hardly contacts me unless its about him coming over to "play". At the same time he demonstrates he cares about my well being, says it's his "job" to look out for me. We are 'part time' Dom/sub because we both have family, jobs, ect obligations that make it difficult to be anything other than part time. Since I am new to this I don't know what to expect or how a 'part time' Dom/ sub relationship works. I appreciate all the feedback/ answers.

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I did get brave enough to ask if he aquired a girlfriend or wife while he was away. his answer: "No wife!! No g/f!! weird question"

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This went on until about 6 pm, then poof! no more text.