LadiesBladewing -> RE: Dilemmas, moral and other (6/12/2006 9:35:07 PM)
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In terms of personal moral dilemmas, a friend of mine, in a committed, closed same-gender poly relationship, came to me and told me that when he traveled, he would often find a "playmate" for the night, or for the couple of nights he was in a given city. I was a beloved friend of all 4 members of the closed quad, and part of me ached with the desire to let the other friends know what was happening. However, I had recently entered training for the ministry, and felt like what was told to me in confidence was something I had a responsibility to respect. I chose to talk to the man who had confided in me, and explain to him the possible implications of what he was doing to people who trusted him -- especially since he didn't know anything about the men he was sleeping with when he traveled, and they were as often casual as safe. I wish I could give the story a happy ending. On the positive side, he -did- tell the others what he'd done. On the negative side, all 4 of them died within 3 years of each other from AIDS... two from side effects of chemo, one from CMV, and one from AIDS pneumonia. Before they died, they lost everything they'd earned in their lives -- they had to sell everything they had to pay for medical care, their families disappeared out of fear of "catching" their disease, they lost their health and they lost their faith -- and they lost each other, and the trust that had made their relationship a 15-year "miracle" to most outsiders. I don't think it would have made any difference if I had told the others what I was told. I am glad that my friend chose to do so, but in the end, it was too little, too late, and I lost 4 amazing friends and mentors to the experience. As a professional, I face this conundrum on a regular basis. I am often told things that could be harmful to others, and I have certain limits -- if the individual at risk is a child, I notify authorities. If 3rd parties not involved in the original situation could be hurt or die, I inform the individual that either they make it right, or I will intervene. Other than that, the best I can do, because of ministerial confidence, is to try to help the individual see a way to be forthright in his or her dealings with others. Sometimes they are, and sometimes they're not, and sometimes we spend months on it with no progress at all. On several occasions, I've passed my clients along to another pastoral care provider who was willing to accept that there was unlikely to be any progress. I am direct and forthright in my dealings, to the best of my knowledge. If I discover that I have inadvertently misrepresented something, I do my best to make it right. I will not stand back and refuse to speak on a situation that I know is wrong, just because it makes others uncomfortable. Compassion does not mean overlooking an injustice -- it means cherishing that there is a hidden side to the pain, and doing what one must to balance things without destroying either side of the scales. "Compassion is defined as "sorrow for the sufferings or trouble of another or others, accompanied by an urge to help.". I express compassion not by trying to dismiss an injustice, but by doing whatever I am able to re-balance that injustice... and sometimes, where one has been amassing a large negative balance of pain due to inappropriate actions, there will be a landslide of pain in the direction of that individual before the scales are balanced again. Da'Avatar ZWD www.klashaan.org
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