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Assertive, but not pro-active. - 10/1/2012 7:55:23 PM

ProlificNeeds

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So, I have a friend with benefits, we are both switches. We are comfortable with the casualness because of distance and irregularity in our lives. Our friendship has always been the strongest bond between us, romance or lust being mostly secondary driving factors.
However, of late his behavior has changed a great deal. He wants to be more 'dominant' he wants to be more in control. I have tried hard not to be undermining, to be conscious of his efforts when he is exploring the D side, but it seem to manifest in only assertive negative behavior and nothing actually proactive.

To clarify: When I am forward he'll try to assert himself as 'dominant' but in a way that means refusing my efforts or negating them. He'll tell me 'no' to things, or make an effort to exact 'fun-ishments' but will never actually initiate an activity beyond the 'threat'. Most of the time it seems as if he's 'shutting me down' when I try to initiate sexual play, seeking control by witholding what I indicate I'd like, but then he is disappointed when he realizes his own actions have effectively put an end to any actual play.
It's hard to describe as its mostly verbal and physical cues that he puts forward, but when we -talk- about it later on, he seems to regret that his actions in trying to be assertive usually end up negating any effort at fun-time.

Has anyone had this issue, I know many of you are not switches, so it might not be something you can relate to directly, but if you have any insight it would be helpful. My best guess is just that he is unsure of himself and while he knows how to 'be the boss' he doesn't seem to follow through with 'getting where he wants go to' yet.

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RE: Assertive, but not pro-active. - 10/1/2012 8:04:12 PM

littlewonder

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It sounds like he's trying to be what he THINKS is the stereotypical Dom that he sees in movies or sees in porn. It's like he wants to be a Dom but has no clue whatsoever how to do it so he just role plays what he sees and hears in fantasy land.

Have you talked to him about this and how it makes you feel and how it harms the play and relationship you two have? If not, that's your very first step. If he really does want to be a Dom, tell him to hang out in the forums here or see if he can find a mentor or something like that I guess? If he's doing all of this thinking it's what you want and he's just doing it to please you but really has no clue what he's doing, then tell him to stop because it's NOT what you want (unless you really do want a Dom).

That's all I've got. I can't say to ever have run across it myself. Good luck.

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RE: Assertive, but not pro-active. - 10/1/2012 8:26:49 PM

ProlificNeeds

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We have talked, numerous times, I've made it clear I'm pleased with the relationship(such as it is) that we've had for a long while now, and he need not change for me. He says he wants to do it for himself, and I've tried suggesting approaches he could take that are more practical, and far less complicated than he might think it needs to be. Like just -saying- what he wants with no frills, but he just... doesn't.

As for me wanting a Dom, I really don't care which side he chooses to be on, I enjoy him for who he is, not what he is, but he's unhappy and I'm not sure how to help him be happy again in this particular situation. Outside the sexual frustrations our friendship is as strong as ever.

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RE: Assertive, but not pro-active. - 10/1/2012 8:29:55 PM

littlewonder

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Then yeah, I think he wants to be a Dom but has noooo idea how to go about it so he's just taking what he sees in movies or porn or books and what he thinks a stereotypical Dom is.

I'm not one who thinks it's something that can be taught. You either are or you are not dominant. If he just wants to learn to roleplay or use toys then maybe he can attend some munches or play parties. If he really wants to be a Dom though then maybe finding someone he can shadow?

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RE: Assertive, but not pro-active. - 10/1/2012 8:31:09 PM

LadyHibiscus

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So...he has topped before, but never been dominant? Since your relationship doesn't extend outside the bedroom, what's his objective?

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RE: Assertive, but not pro-active. - 10/1/2012 8:42:25 PM

ProlificNeeds

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That's a good question Hib, I never asked what his objective was, he has topped, but I've always been the 'dominant' partner as far as suggesting things to try, leading the bedroom encounters with teasing and the like. It was the natural development of our interest in one another so we had never previously discussed who wants to be what. I'll have to ask him that very pointed question.

Littlewonder: I suspect yes, he's trying to behave a certain way based on a misconception of 'domliness' which is again very strange. He's never been concerned with being 'manly' or fitting some image type before.

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RE: Assertive, but not pro-active. - 10/1/2012 9:01:15 PM

LadyHibiscus

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Yes, it's interesting that he's conflating dominance with unreasonable whimsy... if it's not something you've done, I would just flat out ask. It could be he hasnt thought it through entirely himself.

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RE: Assertive, but not pro-active. - 10/1/2012 9:29:23 PM

Alecta

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I feel like he's trying to shut you down more than explore his Dom side with you. Find out why. On a guess, maybe he is no longer comfortable with the FWB relationship between the two of you. But with just this, there's no way to tell if he is aware that he is doing it or why.

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RE: Assertive, but not pro-active. - 10/1/2012 11:31:40 PM

ARIES83

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This is a tough one, in technical terms I would
say, he lacks "MoJo"... Does that sound right?

If so gawd help him because tricky stuff is MoJo.
It CAN'T be forced, taught, learnt or understood.

Hmmm, here is a link where I talked about
playing with and reinforcing a submissive
behaviour, it hits on being careful not to spurn
the sub to much but it comes down to chemistry,
I thought of it while reading this thread so even
though it is a different topic I think there may be
some helpful points of view in it for this topic.

http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=4238630

-Aries

< Message edited by ARIES83 -- 10/1/2012 11:32:47 PM >

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RE: Assertive, but not pro-active. - 10/3/2012 1:16:56 AM

ursamajour

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Hm. I'm wondering if it's just that he's overly concerned about doing "the wrong thing." You two have had a long relationship and, as a result, he likely places the continuation of that relationship and your opinion of him in high regard. It's possible he has ideas and impulses he's worried about acting on because he doesn't know if he'll damage something in your relationship he can't fix. A long time ago, when I was still struggling to understand myself, I dated a girl whom I wanted to be very aggressive with but, because I liked her so much and was still young and unsure of myself, I would do things tentatively and would restrain myself too much, which just led to confusion and frustration on both sides. I may be wrong but it seems your friend may be in a similar place.

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RE: Assertive, but not pro-active. - 10/3/2012 6:40:40 AM

ProlificNeeds

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It is possible that's the case. Being afraid of doing the 'wrong' thing and as a result doing nothing.

Thanks for the replies ladies and gents, it's given me some new questions to ask.

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