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j76969 -> RE: Internal battle (11/24/2013 8:57:56 AM)
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First I want to apologize for the extended delay in responding. I decided to take a step back as I was getting to get overwhelmed. The fantasy was amazing, the reality too intense.
Thank you, your answer solidified my feelings. For me submission will never be "casual" it will have to be to someone, but I realize now it will not be just anyone. My fight or flight response is way to high. I've realized I crave natural Dominance. Despite what I've heard, I believe there is a difference. Anyone can give orders that's easy, I need one that can consume me & any form other form Dominance won't suffice, the slightest hint of weakness and they would lose me.
My goal when I posted this was more of reclaiming the mind frame that I had lost along the way. The one that had been stripped away from pains of the past. Life has a way of changing you albeit you knowing it sometimes. :-( The conflicting views of womanhood I was facing when I started searching for a Dom and those subsequently imposed on me by my first Dom left my spirit broken. Trauma tends to do that. I realized my obstacle was guilt for allowing someone else's bad behavior, however that has been thankfully corrected.
What I found was a unique journey of self discovery, created for women by women. That helped me look at me, and learn more about myself, my power, my beauty, & the strength I already have, but overlooked. I've learned that until ones mind is free from the battlefield of the mind she cannot submit to anyone.
This dynamic sadly poses as a breeding ground for bullies, a users, and a certain level of borderline criminally insane that could scare the best horror film producer. I have accepted that although I may not choose a particular fetish I'm am no less submissive or worthy. And just because I am submissive does not mean I shouldn't get what I need out of this dynamic. I respect stylistic prose in terms of how a Dom rules but a man who has no respect overall for the gender he is born from, well my comment instead very "submissive" so i'll pause.
Bottom line is I want a level of love and respect and that is what I need and it is okay. If within 3 days of meaning me I have to strip naked before you we'll your not the one for me, and that's ok. To each their own. Patience is a virtue & now I have it so we shall see what happens. :-) Wish me well. Thx again.
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