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Boundaries - 10/19/2012 1:08:30 PM   
anniezz338


Posts: 1183
Joined: 8/17/2010
Status: offline 		I was wondering you guys opinions on limits being pushed. I have seen it said many times on the other side in profiles and wonder why they would do that. I was told a couple of times it was a control thing and a test of obedience. Besides the most common limits, scat, animals, and children, how does this work in your dynamic? Also, what about boundaries you find along the way? If you're in a relationship with the trust and connection established, do these things falter the relationship?

Thanks in advance for your opinions.

< Message edited by anniezz338 -- 10/19/2012 1:10:12 PM >

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RE: Boundaries - 10/19/2012 1:15:25 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline 		Carol and I don't do the limits thing but in general I push her comfort zones because that's how the dynamic grows. Now that we've got this new, vibrant piece of our marriage it needs to be tended just like everything else. On very rare occasions it has also been a test of her obedience but that is limited to moments when I think, for whatever reasons, her obedience might be in question. I think that's come up maybe twice.

We would not "find a boundary along the way" any more than we found ones at the beginning. If we did find such a thing it'd be the end of our dynamic. It is absolutely my opinion that what enables us to be so cavalier about the whole boundary thing is the we do trust each other and have going on for 2 decades now.

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RE: Boundaries - 10/19/2012 1:17:00 PM   
searching4mysir


Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline 		Are we talking hard limits or soft limits? There are idiots on the other side who don't respect either.

Pushing soft limits, after trust and connection is established is one thing. Hard limits, on the other hand, are a dealbreaker for me.

I'm monogamous and opening up the relationship in any way would be a hard limit for me. He can look but he can't touch. He touches/plays with someone else and I walk. That isn't something that can be pushed.

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RE: Boundaries - 10/19/2012 1:17:08 PM   
seekingreality


Posts: 599
Joined: 8/11/2011
Status: offline 		When people talk about "pushing boundaries," it usually doesn't refer to hard limits, like scat and animals. A hard limit is a hard limit. Pushing boundaries means coaxing someone to do a little more of what they've already doing. It's subtle and respectful.

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RE: Boundaries - 10/19/2012 1:19:55 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		I view boundaries as different than limits. ie: there's an appropriate time and place for everything. If it imvolves the public, my family or job...it ain't happening.

And I also think there's a large difference between hard and soft limits. My hard limits are things that I consider morally wrong or harmful to me, they aren't ever going to change and anybody that had tried would have been gone.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 10/19/2012 1:21:26 PM >

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RE: Boundaries - 10/19/2012 1:25:17 PM   
anniezz338


Posts: 1183
Joined: 8/17/2010
Status: offline 		Thanks for your replies. I'm thinking would boundaries really be that much different than limits? And if it is a soft limit, would it really be a limit at all ? Would it mean not doing something often rather than what you do frequently? I know this is all subjective.

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RE: Boundaries - 10/19/2012 1:26:20 PM   
needlesandpins


Posts: 3901
Status: offline 		we have spoken about limits all the way through knowing each other. he knows what my solid limits are and respects me enough to not push them at all. on everything else things have moved as we have got to know and trust each other. we are both exploring new things about ourselves that have always been there, but not set free. we both know that at any time either one of us can say stop, and that's what will happen. the reason for saying stop is not questioned, it just stops and then we will talk.

you need to be very clear from that start about what is an absolute no go area. everything else can be fluid so that things are pushed, or withdrawn as needed/wanted.

needles

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RE: Boundaries - 10/19/2012 1:28:19 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		We talked a great deal when first getting to know each other, because learning his character was important to me. In learning each other, we pretty much had the same set of boundaries, although there were absolutely some areas that I knew I could not go with him. He needed to decide - did he want me, or did he want to go there with someone else? There were no wrong answers; we just needed to both decide what our priorities were, and where we fit with each other.

His choice was to develop a relationship with me, as he saw a great future here, and decided if we never went "there," that would be OK with him - it's a nice to have, not a need to have.

He's not about pushing boundaries with me for the sake of pushing boundaries. Because of my history and because of who he is, his goal is to allow me to totally be myself, and to feel safe in doing so. Along the way, though, because of our evolving trust and love, some of my previous boundaries no longer felt so important to me, and it became more important to me to give him what he wants. I know I am safe with him now, 3 1/2 years in, and where I used to feel a need to protect myself, I don't feel that with him anymore. But it has taken time.

As for discovering boundaries along the way? You bet. There's no way either of us could have foreseen what may or may not come up. I've had to heal from some PTSD issues and there was no way we could predict what might blast a land mine for me. While we didn't walk on eggshells around my PTSD, when things would come up that would set me into anxiety, it would go on the boundary list until it could be worked through.

Those things in no way falter the relationship because the relationship is our priority, not acts within it. Because of the trust between us, we know issues can be worked through, and that's our approach when things come up.

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RE: Boundaries - 10/19/2012 1:33:45 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: anniezz338

And if it is a soft limit, would it really be a limit at all ? Would it mean not doing something often rather than what you do frequently? I know this is all subjective.


To me a soft limit is something that may change based on the person I'm with. ie: being peed on. It was on my soft limit list for years. I did not do it with anyone. After about 6 years with Master, I realized that I was okay with it because he had proven his dedication to me and he explained what it did for him.




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RE: Boundaries - 10/19/2012 3:14:12 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Often, there's a knee jerk reaction when people start talking about limits because they automatically think that it's based on hard limits and not necessarily about long term dynamics. Soft limits are often limits that would be set when two people are just getting started, but have the possibility of being ok after the dynamic has been in place for years. Also, some hard limits can change over time, due to trust that has grown or even because circumstances have changed. I've mentioned on the boards before that clip had a hard limit of needles at first. As time went on, he became open to the possibility of engaging in that kind of play. After a couple of years and getting some experience in receiving surgical staples, he was more willing to consent to needles.

I'm of the mind that is a perfectly acceptable process. When a dynamic is new, there are still going to be areas that the s-type may not be willing to do because there hasn't been any long term trust established. The classic example is the D/s arrangement where the D wants the s to get a tat of the Dominant's name within a month. Nothing wrong with that being a limit within that time frame. Ten years later, it's probably different and the limit is no longer necessary.

Not all hard limits are going to change, but it's possible that some will. It has a lot to do with the people involved, why the limit exists in the first place, what kind of trust level has been established, and other factors. Personally, I do like those areas to be areas of growth. I'm the type of D who does enjoy it when the s can conquer a limit. It's a fantastic thing to share together.


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RE: Boundaries - 10/19/2012 3:36:54 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Just find someone who is similar to you in limits and everything else in your life and you won't be sitting around telling all you meet about your limits. Personally, I have no limits whatsoever because his limits are the same as mine.

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RE: Boundaries - 10/19/2012 4:16:53 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

Just find someone who is similar to you in limits and everything else in your life and you won't be sitting around telling all you meet about your limits. Personally, I have no limits whatsoever because his limits are the same as mine.


I'm in the same boat, but I'm also going to add as a caveat. LW and I are both in relationships with someone that we've known for years. If you haven't known someone for awhile, I would suggest that before you toss away the limits, get to know that person to see if the walk matches the talk.


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Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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