Advice for long-term d/s relationships (Full Version)

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mojhdom -> Advice for long-term d/s relationships (4/3/2004 7:09:47 PM)

I am a dom who has played around with d/s relationships before, basically one or several night events with little plans for future seriousness.

However, I am currently looking at a long-term d/s relationship. Before I enter a commitment such as this, I am seeking guidance from others more experienced than myself.

While valuing obediance, I also place a high value on intelligence. I do not want a doormat but a vital and active part of the d/s relationship. I respect limits and safety.

I also realize this can be a tight rope to walk, the balance between the freedom of the sub partner to express herself while still remaining obediant in all things. More then anything, I want to be consistent, as I realize inconsistency in my treatment of the sub can be one of the quickest ways to ruin her.

So I ask for guidance from others. Do I set groundrules up front or let them develop? What do I look for in the difference between expression of opinion and disobediance? What kind of warning signs should I look for that I am not doing a good job in my role as a dom?

All help will be appreciated.



inyouagain -> RE: Advice for long-term d/s relationships (4/3/2004 8:36:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mojhdom
Do I set groundrules up front or let them develop? What do I look for in the difference between expression of opinion and disobediance? What kind of warning signs should I look for that I am not doing a good job in my role as a dom?

If you do not setup ground rules, and prefer to let them develop, you may be giving warning signs of inconsistency (on your part) to your sub?

If you ask your sub did the Germans bomb Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941, and the sub answered simply, "No", then you are ok. However, if your sub answers with a reference to your intelligence by saying, "No, any dumbass knows it was the Japanese", you may have a problem.

Warning signs that you may not be doing a good job in your role as Dom may start at the beginning with your ground rules being established... if none and you try to operate by "ad lib" then you will probably be held in low esteem by your sub. It will also create an environment where you are constantly hearing "You never told me that", or "I didn't know your rules concerning that".

Both Dom and sub are human and make mistakes, but only one is the Dominant. Usually all the responsibility (for everything) falls on the Dominants shoulders, so define your ground rules upfront... including what you will not tolerate, or to what levels you will tolerate (disobedience, disrespect, etc).

You are in charge of everything 24/7, therefore you define the relationship. Make compromises/adjustments to your ground rules rather than exceptions which are inconsistent with them.

Inyouagain



topcat -> RE: Advice for long-term d/s relationships (4/4/2004 12:04:12 AM)

M. -

I Start with some hard and fast daily (or situational) protocols- she will kneel when the two of you enter the house, or when you do, and she is to stay there, till you give her the word - even if this becomes you walking in the door shouting 'Rise- go about your bussiness' , it counts.

Rules for EVERYTHING, but thinks that others won't notice in vanilla settings- eg, If she asks ANYTHING of you, she must stand to your left.

She must ask if entering the bed- make it a ritual call and responce.

Tell her which panties she will wear every morning (if you think thids is easy- try it for a month or two....)

Man- I am Hammered. see ya in the am.

Stay warm,
Lawrence



proudsub -> RE: Advice for long-term d/s relationships (4/4/2004 9:30:25 AM)

quote:

Tell her which panties she will wear every morning


hmmmm don't know many subs that wear panties[;)]



topcat -> RE: Advice for long-term d/s relationships (4/4/2004 10:46:35 AM)

quote:

don't know many subs that wear panties


Midear Proud-

Mine do- and they are usually ones that I have picked out. I like panties, and I am not entirely comfortable with the possible sanitary issues of not wearing them.

And consider...

which is hotter?

No Panties-
Or Him pulling them off?

stay warm,
Lawrence



MistressKiss -> RE: Advice for long-term d/s relationships (4/4/2004 1:00:12 PM)

First of all, I am impressed that you are asking instead of shooting from the hip. Let me suggest this - do the same to Your submissive, or the submissives You consider....allow me to explain.

Having been married to my former Dominant, I will admit that there were several things that led to the failure of our marriage - most of which were vanilla issues, but there were a few that were related to BDSM.

One of the starkest issues that comes to mind was a situation in which I was in need (not wanting, but needing) to be disciplined with the paddle. I have found that in my submissive space, I sometimes lose focus and am unable to think clearly, and function efficiently. The cure is an intense paddling. My dominant knew this, but he would withhold it for no particular reason. Now before I am accused of not being submissive, allow me to explain. Both of us believed that we each had wants, needs, desires, and we were explicit about what those were. I recall clearly that the next time I was paddled, it was not intense enough. It did not meet the need that I had. I cried harder than I think I ever cried when I told him that he had disappointed me, because he met HIS needs in that scene, but did not meet MY needs. Again, it may sound non-submissive when you read it in black and white, but when it comes right down to it, if you don't meet the submissive's true, deep needs as well as your own, you risk losing your submissive and standing there with your mouth hanging open, asking "what happened?"

Now, that I am probably labeled as a SAM - I want to express that unless the BDSM relationship is meeting both partners NEEDS, it will not last. Consistency is extremely important, but knowing the submissive and where she is going in her expression of the lifestyle is just as critical. Both the submissive and the dominant must be going in the same direction if it is to be a long-lasting, long-term relationship. You have to have similar goals and desires to make it last.

I feel it is the responsibility of both people in the relationship to know their needs and know what they need to fulfill them. There are few things as wonderful as finding a Dominant/submissive that both meets you where you are and still challenges you to go further. Look for someone who is on the same page as you, and ask, ask, ask. Communication as always is the key.



Estring -> RE: Advice for long-term d/s relationships (4/4/2004 6:57:45 PM)

Very well said Kiss.



MizSuz -> RE: Advice for long-term d/s relationships (4/5/2004 5:39:14 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mojhdom



So I ask for guidance from others. Do I set groundrules up front or let them develop? What do I look for in the difference between expression of opinion and disobediance? What kind of warning signs should I look for that I am not doing a good job in my role as a dom?

All help will be appreciated.



I think there are some wonderful suggestions in this thread. I agree that it's good to set up ground rules in the beginning, it gives people a framework from which to work and test things. I also agree that the spirit of 'ad lib' is a good idea. There is a way to allow for both if you build into your relationship periodic assessment times. Times in which both may discuss freely what is and isn't working for you without fear of retribution or the expectation that you as the dominant MUST make a change based solely on what she wants/needs. The only expectation for it should be 'communication time.' That's not to say that communication shouldn't happen at any other time, simply that if you set aside a specific time for it then it remains important, a focal point if you will. It's also one good way to let your partner know, in practice, that you are interested in what they have to say.

I'm of the opinion that relationships that last are the ones that can be liquid and flexible enough to allow for the growth and changes of the participants.

As for your question about the difference between expression of opinion and disobedience, that will have to be your call. For me it goes a lot to tone of voice, the way something is put to you, whether it was done in a forthright manner or under the guise of some sort of subterfuge, etc.

I suppose warning signs will vary from one person to another ie: what they do and don't respond to. I think the best way is to know what you absolutely will and will not live with in the beginning and then set your rules up based on those things (and her hard and fast limits) and allow the rest of the rules to come in response to what does and does not achieve your goals.

Remember, for every rule you lay down you then must police said rule. For me in this instance less is more.



mojhdom -> RE: Advice for long-term d/s relationships (4/8/2004 3:24:13 PM)

Thank you all for your advice and help. The suggestions you give pretty much fall in line with my own feelings and with the ways I work, which is good for me to read.



ShadeDiva -> RE: Advice for long-term d/s relationships (4/14/2004 8:33:10 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: topcat
and I am not entirely comfortable with the possible sanitary issues of not wearing them.
Lawrence


To be honest - there really is more issues with santiation and hygiene and various health concerns *wearing* them than not. Same goes for men. *smile*

They trap in moisture and heat, which basic biology here, is the perfect environment for bacteria to flourish in.

We were *designed* to operate just fine without underwear *smile* it is merely society that causes us to believe undergarments are *better* in some fashion.

I think undergarments are marvelous to achieve a certain look - but in all reality - they don't make someone more hygienic or sanitary.

For men the only tangible benefit I can see is that briefs might aid in holding certain loose parts more in place, lol. And even that can come at a cost.

Outside of fashion or if it plays a keynote in a scene - I never found a good reason for undiergarments, really, rather than keeping things like breasts or the jewels from jiggling overmuch, lol.

~ShadeDiva



Sinergy -> RE: Advice for long-term d/s relationships (4/27/2004 6:24:38 PM)

quote:

One of the starkest issues that comes to mind was a situation in which I was in need (not wanting, but needing) to be disciplined with the paddle. I have found that in my submissive space, I sometimes lose focus and am unable to think clearly, and function efficiently. The cure is an intense paddling.


My first submissive generally tried to anger me in order to make me give her an intense paddling, but she failed to understand that my method of dealing with children, subs, etc., is to simply ignore any behavior I dont want repeated. There were times where I could sense she needed a sound thrashing and serious ravaging, and would do so forthwith, but there is an aspect to misbehaving in order to be played with that strikes me as topping from the bottom. Additionally, the last thing I want to do to my submissive is play with or ravage if she has made me angry.

I told her if she wanted a sound thrashing she should simply indicate such (sometimes subtle, leaving the flogger on the pillow) and it might happen according to my desires. But for me, I do not feel that BDSM activities and anger are good bedfellows.

Sinergy



Sinergy -> RE: Advice for long-term d/s relationships (4/27/2004 6:26:30 PM)

quote:

I think undergarments are marvelous to achieve a certain look - but in all reality - they don't make someone more hygienic or sanitary.


This is true, in a sense, although wearing a lot of silk or leather clothing there is an aspect to not wearing undergarments that makes these things a bit gamey if they dont spend their life at the dry or leather cleaners.

Besides which, half the fun (for me) of Christmas is unwrapping the present.

Sinergy



feline -> RE: Advice for long-term d/s relationships (4/28/2004 9:15:16 AM)

The Master i talk with feels the same as you Mr. Lawrence. It was quite an adjustment after years of not wearing any. lol i think he likes the idea of leaving something to the imagination. As well as being able to open the package. [;)]


Take care,

[image]local://upfiles/17000/8A9F2612A36C45089EAE87D546B402AA.gif[/image]



LadyBeckett -> RE: Advice for long-term d/s relationships (4/28/2004 10:55:54 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressKiss

I want to express that unless the BDSM relationship is meeting both partners NEEDS, it will not last.


I want someone to print, frame, and give that to me for my office! I sure do! In pretty scrollwork quotation with credit to MistressKiss on parchment in a pretty cherrywood frame. Make it 11x14 so everyone will see it! The only thing I would change is that I would bold "both" and "needs" and underline them.

quote:

ORIGINAL: topcat
I am not entirely comfortable with the possible sanitary issues of not wearing them.


I am an undies person. I believe they are more sanitary also. There are other factors to consider, I think. Outerwear isn't designed or manufactured with hygiene in mind, or sensitivity. We're talking seams and stuff here. Unless a garment is lined, and most aren't, there are seams. I don't particularly want those rough seams, or that fabric rubbing against my tender areas frequently and often. For those who want to be "tough enough" I say, go for it!!! Me and Mine...wear those softer things underneath [;)]




Sinergy -> RE: Advice for long-term d/s relationships (4/28/2004 3:46:04 PM)

Greetings,

In defense of those who do not wear underwear, I would be drummed out of the Black Watch if I wore them under my kilt.

Sinergy



LadyBeckett -> RE: Advice for long-term d/s relationships (4/28/2004 8:35:59 PM)

We'd be making an exception in your case then wouldn't we? lol [;)]



ZenMaster -> RE: Advice for long-term d/s relationships (5/1/2004 5:47:59 AM)

quote:

So I ask for guidance from others. Do I set groundrules up front or let them develop? What do I look for in the difference between expression of opinion and disobediance? What kind of warning signs should I look for that I am not doing a good job in my role as a dom?


All good questions. I won't answer them because I won't pretend to know the answers for future events of your relationship with your partner. I also feel only you can find out these answers for yourself. Every relationship is different.
My advice to you, Sir, is to treat every relationship you enter, be it BDSM or vanilla, with the respect you have for others and you hope others have for you. I'm sure you know of the golden rule. Not only apply it to your own life but also apply it to your relationship and you cannot go wrong. IF your partner screws up, that is then their own bad karma they have to eventually work out.
I wish you and your partner many happy days together.

ZM



stormiKnightBEAR -> RE: Advice for long-term d/s relationships (5/3/2004 8:26:31 PM)

subs and slaves are allowed panties??????


Doesn't think that stormi's Master knows this..... but then again stormi kinda thinks that Master has HIS own set of rules.


kneeling always for Master,
stormi
slave to Master Bear <[email protected]>



stormiKnightBEAR -> RE: Advice for long-term d/s relationships (5/3/2004 8:33:02 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressKiss

Now, that I am probably labeled as a SAM - I want to express that unless the BDSM relationship is meeting both partners NEEDS, it will not last. Consistency is extremely important, but knowing the submissive and where she is going in her expression of the lifestyle is just as critical. Both the submissive and the dominant must be going in the same direction if it is to be a long-lasting, long-term relationship. You have to have similar goals and desires to make it last.

I feel it is the responsibility of both people in the relationship to know their needs and know what they need to fulfill them. There are few things as wonderful as finding a Dominant/submissive that both meets you where you are and still challenges you to go further. Look for someone who is on the same page as you, and ask, ask, ask. Communication as always is the key.


Mistress Kiss,

This has to be by far and bar none the best thing that stormi has read to date on any of the message boards.

ANY relationship has to meet the NEEDS of BOTH people or of the family unit in order for it to work. And there lies the other key word.... work.... EVERYONE in a relationship has to WORK at keeping it fresh, alive and growing.

Thank You for having the ability to put it here where it might reach a few who are looking for answers.

Serving Master,
stormi
property of Master Bear



proudsub -> RE: Advice for long-term d/s relationships (5/3/2004 10:20:32 PM)

quote:

subs and slaves are allowed panties??????


I am not allowed panties or bra at home, but occassionally am allowed them in public.



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