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Need advice. BDSM & vanila r-ships - 11/15/2012 6:11:47 AM

undersky

Posts: 3
Joined: 4/24/2011
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First of all, i'm apologise for my English.

We started off as masters and sub. Met couple of months just for a play, but now we already together half a year and love each-other. I'm 25 y.o. , she is 19 y.o.

Problem is we cannot play, i love her and because cant hart her, give her a orders, treats her strictly. etc. But we need to play, loves it and feels like something is missing.

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RE: Need advice. BDSM & vanila r-ships - 11/15/2012 6:17:22 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
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Couples counseling. If you can't give her what she needs, she'll leave. See if you can recapture what you had. Playing with and hurting someone you love is beautiful.

_____________________________

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to undersky)

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RE: Need advice. BDSM & vanila r-ships - 11/15/2012 6:32:57 AM

undersky

Posts: 3
Joined: 4/24/2011
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Thank you.
Yes, i totally realise that if i can't give her what she needs, she may leave, and because, i looking for how to recapture what we had before, how to change myself .

(in reply to DarkSteven)

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RE: Need advice. BDSM & vanila r-ships - 11/15/2012 6:49:13 AM

AthenaSurrenders

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Joined: 3/15/2012
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I don't think there's an easy answer to this beyond getting some counseling to figure out why you feel this way. Understand there's a double standard where you can enjoy beating and bossing around a sex partner but not a person you love. That's your own issue you will have to work through. No one can give you an easy answer to fix it.

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RE: Need advice. BDSM & vanila r-ships - 11/15/2012 8:34:05 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14414
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
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After Master and I were married, he stopped playing with me. It went against his instinct to protect me. We sat down and talked about. A lot. For several months. The phrase that set him free: "Hurting me does not mean that you're harming me". We've been fine ever since.

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RE: Need advice. BDSM & vanila r-ships - 11/15/2012 8:39:16 AM

chatterbox24

Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
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play because you love her not because you dont love her. She wants that, needs that.

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RE: Need advice. BDSM & vanila r-ships - 11/15/2012 10:18:08 AM

SchrodingerSock

Posts: 59
Joined: 11/7/2012
From: Scotland
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Split your personality into 2
they can co exist

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RE: Need advice. BDSM & vanila r-ships - 11/15/2012 10:31:05 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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This isn't uncommon. A number of sadists out there have had the problem of struggling with hurting somebody they actually love. Not everybody, of course, but enough that it's a fairly common question.

What can work to help get over the hump is that you have to think of it in a new way. If the person that you are dealing with is a masochist or is bonded to you by submitting to pain for your pleasure, you have to remember something. Continuing to play is you showing that person that you love them. If they crave pain or wanting to submit, if you take that away, you are confusing them or not fulfilling your end of the bargain. It would be like vanilla folks falling in love and one person removing loving gestures, such as hugs or kisses, from the relationship. Craving pain is very much like craving touch, and you'd never think of taking touch away from someone you love, would you?

If you can start thinking of the situation in those terms, it may be able to help you. I want to wish you the best of luck.

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RE: Need advice. BDSM & vanila r-ships - 11/15/2012 11:30:11 AM

SeekingTrinity

Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
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I really like what Lady Pact had to say. I agree wholeheartedly with her words. You are the person she has chosen to give herself to. And for some, that never comes easy or lightly. Out of the activities that you both were involved in, the conditions became favorable for you two to fall in love with each other. It was your M/s connection that started you on this path.

I do understand your struggle with the thoughts of hurting the person that you love and who loves you in return. I went through that myself when I was first starting out. What I came to realize is that by asserting my dominance over the person I have feelings for and who has feelings in return for me, I am able to give that person something that they cannot get from just anyone else. I dont really consider myself sadistic, but some things that interest me can be uncomfortable. I realized that Im not hurting someone for the sake of hurting them. Im hurting them because I care about them. Im hurting them because they have entrusted me with the ability and responsibility to do that with/to them. Once I made that connection within my own mind, things got much easier for me.

Good luck to you as you find your way along your own path towards personal enlightenment.

< Message edited by SeekingTrinity -- 11/15/2012 11:31:09 AM >

(in reply to LadyPact)

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RE: Need advice. BDSM & vanila r-ships - 11/15/2012 11:43:00 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
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DUDE!!!! You ALWAYS hurt the one you love.

It ain't that kinda hurt to her, you ain't mad, just getting her radio channel tuned in and juiced up.

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RE: Need advice. BDSM & vanila r-ships - 11/15/2012 1:26:02 PM

Salinedion

Posts: 198
Joined: 5/25/2012
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Your english is fine, and we're nice people. Therefore, in one sentence, what's your resistance to giving her what she clearly wants? It will def get you better responses here.

My wife needs me to be at least a little ruthless, selfish, even. I've been guilty of co-dependent over-giving. Finding that tender sweet spot has been delightful. You shouldn't view this as a failing, but as a chance for kinky personal growth and increased closeness as you both find your comfort (and discomfit) level.

My wife doesn't get a lot out of some stuff we do and my first instinct was to to curtail it. My second instinct was to moderate it, my third instinct was to find ways to make the me-stuff more palatable to her and insist on it. My fourth instinct was also toss in a dash of just do it. Then it went from a dash to a bit more. We're good these days, but still a work in progress.

Beating the ass of the one you love does take some adjusting to get right.

What a delicious, fantastic problem to have!

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RE: Need advice. BDSM & vanila r-ships - 11/15/2012 1:45:47 PM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

This isn't uncommon. A number of sadists out there have had the problem of struggling with hurting somebody they actually love. Not everybody, of course, but enough that it's a fairly common question.

What can work to help get over the hump is that you have to think of it in a new way. If the person that you are dealing with is a masochist or is bonded to you by submitting to pain for your pleasure, you have to remember something. Continuing to play is you showing that person that you love them. If they crave pain or wanting to submit, if you take that away, you are confusing them or not fulfilling your end of the bargain. It would be like vanilla folks falling in love and one person removing loving gestures, such as hugs or kisses, from the relationship. Craving pain is very much like craving touch, and you'd never think of taking touch away from someone you love, would you?

If you can start thinking of the situation in those terms, it may be able to help you. I want to wish you the best of luck.