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emotional rollercoaster - 11/6/2004 1:02:02 AM

Posts: 140
Joined: 10/31/2004
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hello. i am relatively new to the whole bdsm thing, and would really appreciate any advice, comments or input. Master is very loving and understanding and wonderful. While my desire is to please Master in every which way and be a happy good natured sub, i seem to be having difficulty with a whole lot of emotional issues that have arisen and feel as if i am on a rollercoaster. As a child i was "over disciplined" and often wonder since i couldnt please then, is that why i have such a desire to do so now? As a teen, i got into a lot of physical fights. Few people knew the "real me" the big sad marshmellow, many saw the "tough" facade i hid behind.
i have never trusted anyone as much as i trust Master, but this makes me feel so very vulnerable and at times scared. And though he is reassuring, i am afraid he will tire of my insecurities. The tough facade kicks in without me realising at times, and i fear maybe too much. i truly dont want to jeopardise what we have as i feel that it is very special, and He is very special to me. Yet i dont want to be needy, i dont want to rely on someone so much, i dont want to come across to him as being defiant, i dont want to have to hear his voice everyday (and its costing me a fortune in mobile phone bills!!) but i do and i am. Its like im everything that in the vanilla world that i am not. He is really good and we talk about these things, but in my own self it just doesnt make sense why i am being like i am. Please dont get me wrong, i dont feel uncomfortable in the submissive role at all, but the emotionally side of it is confusing me. i truly hope it all makes sense enough to someone on this wonderful site to enlighten me on whats happening. is this a normal transgression? will it pass? should i be commited? (kidding)
On a happier note, besides the emotional thingy im going through, everything else is really good, ok maybe some of the punishments arent fun, but i know i deserve them

RE: emotional rollercoaster - 11/6/2004 7:00:34 AM

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Joined: 10/29/2004
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quote:

As a child i was "over disciplined" and often wonder since i couldnt please then, is that why i have such a desire to do so now?

I've thought this same thing myself sometimes. Except that, instead of my acting out and getting into fights later in life, I was a self-abuser...I used it often as a tool to alleviate guilt--equating pain with the end of a transgression. I think maybe that most of the things that consciously and unconsciously drive us later in life are caused by environmental concerns, etc that happened early on. I don't allow the realization to marr my enjoyment of any activities, though I have some safeguards in place so I don't actively begin thinking of a scene that happened in my childhood during a scene where I should be focussing on *ahem* other things.... ie--no metre sticks..

quote:

Yet i dont want to be needy, i dont want to rely on someone so much, i dont want to come across to him as being defiant, i dont want to have to hear his voice everyday (and its costing me a fortune in mobile phone bills!!) but i do and i am.

Sounds like you've found someone who's satisfying your needs. The urge to be around someone who makes you happy is a pretty intense driving force and I've definitely been there. The Doms I know generally seem used to not just needy subs but needy females in general. I believe they understand they're never going to get away from the "Do I look okay (and you better say fantastic somewhere in your answer)? questions. Try to be as self-sufficient as possible but I think the attentions of a caring Dom will help with your confidence in due course. And the One I asked, who's been in the lifestyle much longer than I have says that it definitely depends on the type of Dom. The one you've found sounds like the loving type, so he probably doesn't mind doting on you, and dishing it out when you should smarten up ;). Best of luck and I hope this helps.

(in reply to conflicted)

RE: emotional rollercoaster - 11/6/2004 11:53:46 AM

Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
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For a sub, you are focusing way too much on yourself. Your focus should be on pleasing and serving your Master. That is the way to get past all these other feelings you have. You need to remember that your happiness comes from pleasing and serving. When you keep yourself focused on him, you don't have room for these other thoughts to intrude. But it does take effort and work. Focus, and trust that he will take care of the rest.

(in reply to conflicted)

RE: emotional rollercoaster - 11/6/2004 12:44:32 PM

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Joined: 4/15/2004
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this is a subject very near and dear to my heart - it has been my experience that being overly needy can cost one a relatisonship - and i understand wholeheartedly how you try your best to get past the need but it is so difficult - a lot of people are quick to say just get over it and be self-sufficient but unless you've walked in those shoes, it is difficult to understand

two masters that i was with for very brief periods of time could not and did not deal with it - and i felt the problem was totally with me - some of us are so good at assuming responsibility and guilt - then i was in a long term relationship in which the master told me constantly how needy i was and he really blew the entire thing out of proportion - i think he needed me to be needy

then i was blessed to be found by a wonderful master - he recognized my need and never made me feel like i needed to apologize for it - if i did apologize, he would tell me "no no my subbie - it is a part of you and i adore all that you are - it is what makes you so special" - eventually i learned that in fulfilling his needs, my needs were fulfilled as well - i focused on him and honestly believed that i did not need to be concerned about myself - that was his "job" - to me that is part of the beauty of submission - trusting your master to the point that you totally forget yourself because in your heart you know he will care, treasure, protect and provide for you and those are the things that give you your freedom from need

(in reply to conflicted)

RE: emotional rollercoaster - 11/6/2004 12:46:17 PM

Posts: 51
Joined: 4/15/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Estring

For a sub, you are focusing way too much on yourself. Your focus should be on pleasing and serving your Master. That is the way to get past all these other feelings you have. You need to remember that your happiness comes from pleasing and serving. When you keep yourself focused on him, you don't have room for these other thoughts to intrude. But it does take effort and work. Focus, and trust that he will take care of the rest.

this is exactly what i was trying to say - but not quite so concisely - i agree completely with you

(in reply to Estring)

RE: emotional rollercoaster - 11/6/2004 2:16:40 PM

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

It is very normal for a new sub to go through a period of emotional or mental conflict. The big question is.. is this related to the BDSM or is it baggage. If it is BDSM, you need to keep a very open channel of communication with your Dom. Talk with him about what you are feeling and ways the two of you could work on it. Do NOT just try to deal with it yourself. Do not just try focusing on him. You are his and he deserves to know, no.. pardon.. he NEEDS to know what is going on inside your head. I do get the feeling though, that this is a result of baggage. It sounds like your life has been painful in places. It might be helpful for you to talk with someone on a professional level about this. There is no shame in having to talk with someone. You should also have a sub mentor. If you two are not involved in the local community, read through the posts on here. Find a sub that seems to be someone who understands what being submissive is all about and write to them asking if they might be willing to mentor you a bit. Do not be offended if they say no, just ask someone else. You do have a real problem and it could at some point get bad enough to cost you a good man. I promise you, good partners are hard to find. Be proactive. Get it solved.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to conflicted)

RE: emotional rollercoaster - 11/6/2004 4:54:06 PM

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Joined: 10/26/2004
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Dear Conflicted: I went through something very similiar as you. But, my {then} Master told me, it was part of the process. He told me some of the things, or as some people have said on here, baggage, of the past, it what molded me, made me who I am today, a submissive lady. We went through my history together. He wanted to know the details, how it was that I came to think like I do now. He even attributed to what had happened to me as early as childhood, teen, and then young adult, into acutally helping me form into the perfect submissive. He said some of these people {from my past} did the work for him. And he was right~! My need to serve has always been underlined in my life, and not just with my man, but it all things. I have always doted on family members, took care of my elderly grandparents when each one was sick and terminal, hell he even pointed out, I'm submissive to my daugter, which blew me away. In all honesty , I do alot for her, yes. Jesus, who knows maybe we are hard wired after all?
And I so relate to having to be tough. I grew up in a really rough city, so it was eat or get eaten. I fought physically too, I had too! Do you know that made me look dominant to men? I was forced into the role, it was not who I was. I ended up in my younger years dating alot of men who wanted me to take charge, it was their perception of me. It certainly wasn't true.
But, my old master would not tolerate having to tell me I looked good or anything. He said, hey, I told you once that should be it. I must tell you, I met a wonderful new Dominant/Master on this site~! He is everything I could have ever wanted, and I'm am privileged to have him. Perhaps life takes us on this journey, and when you least suspect it, out of nowhere, comes someone into your life that fits you perfectly. I hope this is what you have. And don't worry, your going through regular stuff. Just remember to take care of your master and trust him~!
Rae
Something my old master didn't tolerate

(in reply to BeachMystress)

RE: emotional rollercoaster - 11/6/2004 11:36:00 PM

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Joined: 10/31/2004
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i thank-you all so very much for your thoughts and honesty, and it is a relief to know that i am not odd in feeling the way i do. i appreciate the sharing of your own experiences also to help me identify the similarities. xxxxxxx
i do believe i have a bit of baggage and have tried to resolve it with professional help, however after a few months i walked away very unsatisfied and believe the counsellor took the easy out on my case. i never went back.

Estring your comment was very helpful and you made a very valid point.
Again thank-you all.

(in reply to RaeRae39)

RE: emotional rollercoaster - 12/5/2004 6:36:19 AM

Posts: 37
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline

greetings to you .....reading your messege really moved me as I related so much to everything you were saying. im also a newbie. I believe we could help each other out, and im a MFCC Counselor, masters in psychology, just so you dont think im talking non sense. My heart goes out to you, and am very impressed nby your honesty & being brave enough to reach out. I, no lie, am in the same situation as you, and I hope that I hear back from you .....its never as hard when sharing it with someone who understands and cares about you....
my aol address is [email protected], yahoo messenger. [email protected] ...in case u care to take me up on my offer.
Wolfsbabygirlz =)

(in reply to conflicted)

RE: emotional rollercoaster - 12/6/2004 2:54:14 AM

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: conflicted
i do believe i have a bit of baggage and have tried to resolve it with professional help, however after a few months i walked away very unsatisfied and believe the counsellor took the easy out on my case. i never went back.

Remember that as in any other line of work, there are therapists who graduated at the top of their class and those who just squeaked by.. and they call them all Councillor. If you were dissatisfied with one therapist try another. You are worth enough to keep trying till you find someone who can help you.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wolfsbabygirlz
I believe we could help each other out,

I'd take her up on that.. you two could probably help each other through new experiences. Having someone to share with can help a lot at times. I just spent an hour talking with an exsub turned friend about having a problem tonight with Domme Drop. (Dom/me or sub drop = the state sometimes experienced when the endorphins from a session wear off) He wasn't a sub to me long enough for me to experience my drop (we never played hard enough to activate it) so he doesn't really understand the state. That didn't matter. He stopped what he was doing and called me when he realized I felt a bit off. Just having someone care helps a lot. Good luck to both of you!

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to conflicted)

RE: emotional rollercoaster - 12/6/2004 3:45:03 AM

Posts: 140
Joined: 10/31/2004
Status: offline

Dear A/all that posted replies,

Thank you for your kind and caring words, i have decided to take up Wolfsbabygirlz offer, and see where i go from there. i really felt alone in my feelings for a while and it is comforting to know there are others that share similar feelings and experiences.
Again, i thank-you all.

****lots of hugs**** times a trillion

n

(in reply to BeachMystress)

RE: emotional rollercoaster - 12/6/2004 4:56:51 PM

Posts: 168
Status: offline

quote:

Yet i dont want to be needy, i dont want to rely on someone so much, i dont want to come across to him as being defiant, i dont want to have to hear his voice everyday (and its costing me a fortune in mobile phone bills!!) but i do and i am.

As someone else said, most Doms seem to be used to neediness. So I wouldn't worry about it too much. If it starts to annoy him, odds are he'll make you turn it down a notch. Just do your best to make him happy, be open and honest, and everything else should fall into place.

Best wishes,
Ophelia

_____________________________

"And every one of them words rang true And glowed like burning coal Pouring off of every page Like it was written in my soul..."

(in reply to conflicted)

RE: emotional rollercoaster - 12/6/2004 6:04:41 PM

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Access Denied

< Message edited by RiotGirl -- 3/15/2005 11:06:55 PM >

(in reply to realophelia)

RE: emotional rollercoaster - 12/8/2004 6:23:32 AM

IndySubPrincess

Posts: 34
Joined: 7/23/2004
From: Indiana
Status: offline

I know what you mean, Conflicted... I have to admit that I am very afraid. I find that I too struggle to retain a little bit of control, and I don't know why. I want to trust blindly, I want to have unwavering faith, but it's so hard. I could speculate as to the reasons for my inability to cope, but my reasons and yours may be very different. :) I just hope that we all find what it is we struggle to achieve... This life can be so fulfilling, so happy...

Erin

_____________________________

My names are many, yet know that by all names I am the same.

(in reply to conflicted)

RE: emotional rollercoaster - 12/10/2004 10:58:38 AM

Posts: 1183
Joined: 11/17/2004
From: Washington, DC Metro Area
Status: offline

When i was blessed with my first Master i also had a lot of issues, baggage and just plain junky feelings about myself. i also grew up in a home where i couldn't please others and found that i carried that need to please well into my adulthood, and even motherhood.

The question that my Master asked me was "Do you trust me?" my answer was, of course, Sir, with my life, my heart and my soul. He then told me that since i trusted him so much why couldn't i trust his opinion of me, that he thought i was a good person, kind, sensitive, etc., and that his opinion (of me) was the one that should matter most. If i couldn't trust him with that, then i wouldn't be able to trust him with anything else of value. It made a great deal of sense to me, and it's been something that i've tried to keep with me always.

Hope this helps.

jimini

_____________________________

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom."

by A. Nin

When your heart speaks take good notes.

(in reply to IndySubPrincess)

RE: emotional rollercoaster - 12/10/2004 12:12:21 PM

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Joined: 3/25/2004
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conflicted,
you are NOT alone and let me tell you if/when you move to real time it will only enhance those feelings. This in not in anyway saying that it's not worth it. Our first months together i went through so many emotions it was unreal. Master was/is far more understanding than i. i am also far more critical than He is and thank God for that.
As wise as Estring is and i do think He is wise. i don't think He is able to grasp what it is that we go through. Part of the rollarcoaster is caused by our need to please. At the beginning of a realtionship we are busy learning where we fit into the relationship and learning what is expected and in many cases we expect more of ourselves than the Dom does. Because the Dom facotrs in the learning curve where we usually don't.
It's easy to say as long as your Dom is happy than you should be too. It's harder to put into pratice because we require feedback to know what we are doing is right. Having said that once you know where you fit and what is expected things will settle down and you'll not feel so needy

(in reply to krikket)

RE: emotional rollercoaster - 12/11/2004 7:41:18 PM

DomButNotForgotn

Posts: 108
Joined: 6/2/2004
Status: offline

The intensity of BDSM, the genuine trust needed to give yourseslf over to a DOm/me for their wants and need, for your improvement - all aer taxing,a dn very different from vanilla. Your fear and vulnerability are genuine emotions. You need to feel them, not apologize for them. If he is a good Dom, he will listent o your worries, fears, and concerns over and over and OVER again, until they go away. An, they will go away, given the chance.

Probably your "over discipline" as a child gave you self esteem or "abandonment" isses (look it up) - and you have some strong worries. They are affiliated with your upbringing.

He sounds like a good Dom, and that is wonderful. His patience will help you get through this, and you will find inner peace, happiness (and if you're lucky, a good spanking!) when you get through it.

I wish you well.

Mark
Malden, MA

(in reply to liljoy)

RE: emotional rollercoaster - 8/16/2007 6:34:52 AM

Posts: 255
Status: offline

Greetings

I was reading links on a subject ( TY Lucky Albatross) and read this thread.

I know I may be insane - but does anyone else see a difference in attitude even from just 3 years ago?

edi: oops thread is locked. Sorry to bump. Good subject though?

< Message edited by leatherette -- 8/16/2007 6:38:37 AM >

(in reply to DomButNotForgotn)

RE: emotional rollercoaster - 8/16/2007 11:47:07 AM

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
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Neediness is as much a matter of compatibility as anything else. I need a high level of attention from him, but when LDR I was fine if I knew I would get a morning and night email on days our schedules didn't mesh enough to talk or chat. Even a two liner telling me why he couldn't talk satisfied me for the day. He likes knowing I need to be with him and doesn't interpret it as negative.

(in reply to leatherette)

RE: emotional rollercoaster - 8/16/2007 12:15:48 PM

Posts: 46
Joined: 5/29/2006
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Thank you for posting this. In reading the other comments i am feeling somewhat relieved. i struggled with these feelings for a long time and worried that as i submitted more and more Mistress would come to dislike what i had become. It took a long time to get over it and a lot of patience from Mistress. i finally reached the point where i gave myself permission to relax and "surrender" and let the chips fall where they may.
Best decision i ever made.

(in reply to conflicted)

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