RE: Long term concerns

RE: Long term concerns (Full Version)

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RaspberryLemon -> RE: Long term concerns (11/22/2012 3:18:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ToyNextDoor Oh, we've brought it up casually several times in the past year. Basically she says 'be patient, you'll be rewarded. Don't take for granted i'm sharing my vulnerable side. Things will be different when we're together, so don't get too comfortable'. And I do feel that her reassurances are true. But we both hate topping from the bottom so I guess time will tell how she adjusts. I'm not going to push, that's selfish and as long as she's happy I'm happy. I know things will be great no matter what we're doing, but I guess I've just never been in what I would consider a long term, adult relationship before. Most of what I observe seems negative. Dead feelings, passion turning into stagnancy and loathing. I don't like being pessimistic but the idea of something long term does bring up a lot of questions for me- That and having a really unnatural beginning to things. I've been in many D/s relationships and until now none of them have been a good enough match to see how things progress. Well, I think it's probably pretty natural to have anxieties about those things. There's a lot of negativity in the world and our surroundings, and observing it can make even the most optimistic person feel worried and unsure. It's good that you can talk to her about these things though! That, I think, helps a lot. However, you definitely should not feel as if you are being "selfish" by simply sharing your thoughts, feelings, and concerns. Being open and honest is a different thing from being pushy or selfish. :)

kiwisub12 -> RE: Long term concerns (11/22/2012 6:36:49 AM)
OP - one thing you might consider is that your knowledge of each other is theoretical. Actually being together is going to be a lot different, so i don't see that you have lost anything from being apart. There is still going to be learning going on, since the two of you are going to be actually interacting rather than online. And so you know, the honeymoon phase can last more than a year of fact-to-face time. [:D]

seekingreality -> RE: Long term concerns (11/22/2012 10:28:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ToyNextDoor Those who have been in relationships for multiple years, has closeness taken away the excitement or made it hard to be consistent in your role? My situation- I've been planning to live with a friend of mine who has been staying in another country. She'd move back with me. The past year we have been very close and I've been as supportive as I can while she's had a stressful slituation. It feels more like I am best friend or the supportive man now instead of the pet. I'm wondering if when she's back it will be difficult to switch back into.. that distant state where she's this deity. I don't feel this fear driving me to appease her anymore. She's not really demanding or imposing lately, I think she needs more of a best friend. We've both agreed we want to keep our roles clear when we live together, but it feels like the 'husband' side is pushing the sub side out of the way. Will it feel like we're suddenly just acting if we switch stronger into our roles again or will it be natural? I couldn't enjoy it the same if I felt like she was just acting hard on me to earn my respect or satisfy me. I like serving someone who is naturally a little bossy and self centered but seeing the vulnerable side and being best friends for a year seems so different than what I remember. It feels like the challenge is gone and everything's sort of been put on the backburner, aside from a few stray comments through the day and how we address each other, we rarely acknowledge that side of things. I feel like I could get away with a lot that I didn't used to, but it's selfish to expect someone to be tough on me when they have a lot on their plate. Any comments or advice? I've encountered this situation. The domme loved kinky fun when it was anonymous. As our relationship grew into someone real, she has less sub-domme feelings. The reality is, to me, you can't keep your "roles clear." Not if you're talking long-term and real. All you can do is be yourselves and see what happens. Because if you are living together, and you need to constantly remind yourselfs what your "role" is, that will become exhaustive. You can play a "role" in the short term; in the long term you can only be yourself. So, yeah, to me, it sounds like you are having trouble accepting that your friend is a real person rather than a leather-clad cartoon who will go into domme bossy mode everytime you want to get a stiffy. You either really like her or you don't.

kiwisub12 -> RE: Long term concerns (11/23/2012 6:27:20 AM)
I don't think i agree with the phrase "you can't keep your roles clear". I was in an extended live-in relationship and our roles were very clear. And if i stepped over the line, i was jerked back. There were rules - not that many - and my Sir was aware of how i was behaving. And for the record, it may have looked as if we were "in roles", but I didn't see it as a role, it was just how i lived my life. OP, i'm thinking you need to stop thinking of roles and think of what is real for you. If you are submissive then the role would be for you to be a chest thumping macho man. Real for you might be a chest thumping macho man who defers to a woman. [:D]

ToyNextDoor -> RE: Long term concerns (11/24/2012 1:36:26 AM)
I wouldn't be friends with her if she weren't a real person. And if it were just about sex there are plenty of more local women. I was just wondering how these relationships tend to pan out over time. What's wrong with wanting things as involved and fun as when you first met?

AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Long term concerns (11/24/2012 6:30:14 AM)
There's no problem with wanting things to be AS fun and involved. You just need to be realistic in that they will change. They can still be every bit as awesome, but they will change.

kiwisub12 -> RE: Long term concerns (11/24/2012 7:17:44 AM)
One thing you might consider is that things become MORE involved as you get to know each other. Play and life are built around what you know of each other, so the more you know each other the more complex things become. Think of play - say she has come to know over time that you love being caned on your feet. One day you are playing and she doesn't cane you on the feet. Is that because she is feeling particularly sadistic and refusing to indulge you? More to think about in this instance. Is it a punishment for a minor infraction, or just a whim on her part? A lot of what os fun in a relationship comes from knowing each other really well. I think you need to calm down and realise that relationships are complex, and evolve organically. Have fun with it, and don't assume that the fun will inevitably leave.

bighappygoth39 -> RE: Long term concerns (11/24/2012 7:21:42 AM)
There's nothing wrong with wanting that, as has been said, but what's also been said is true. You have to realise that you have to work at a relationship to keep it fresh, especially when you live with them. If you have enough of a bond, then the working at it won't feel forced and you'll both just enjoy each other as much as you want and need to. You should definitely be thinking more about the pluses to living with each other than worrying that things might go stale. If that happens, there's plenty you can both do to ease that, but don't worry about it unless it happens. I really think you've over thinking all of this, and you should just be ecstatic about the fact that you're both making such a wonderful commitment to each other. I know I would, so just sit back and enjoy what I'm sure will be a wonderful life together. [:D]

DesFIP -> RE: Long term concerns (11/24/2012 11:41:47 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kiwisub12 I don't think i agree with the phrase "you can't keep your roles clear". I was in an extended live-in relationship and our roles were very clear. And if i stepped over the line, i was jerked back. There were rules - not that many - and my Sir was aware of how i was behaving. And for the record, it may have looked as if we were "in roles", but I didn't see it as a role, it was just how i lived my life. OP, i'm thinking you need to stop thinking of roles and think of what is real for you. If you are submissive then the role would be for you to be a chest thumping macho man. Real for you might be a chest thumping macho man who defers to a woman. [:D] I think if it is a role, as opposed to your authentic self, then it isn't going to last. Even actors who love the audience approval also want to get offstage and remove makeup and costumes and be themselves at the end of the show. And I'm getting the feeling that the playing a distant diety is indeed a role. Because in reality of course you want a long term partner to be someone you can let your hair down with. Over the six years 24/7 the new relationship energy has dissipated. And thank God for that! Because here we are not in the honeymoon and we still love each other, and maybe more importantly like each other. The trappings have disappeared but we don't need them. I don't need to call him sir to know which decisions I need to leave to him, which I can offer advice on, and which he doesn't care about. But it isn't play these days, it's real life. Today I wanted to defrost the spare freezer so I had to ask him what his plans are first. I didn't want him to announce we're leaving with water dripping over the floor. I told him what I needed to get to and he decided when we're doing other things. I asked if we're dining home or not so as to know if I should defrost something or stick it all into a cooler to stay frozen. These are not sexy decisions, but they are him in charge.

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