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Holiday Blues. - 12/6/2012 1:41:31 AM

absolutchocolat

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I'm going to be vulnerable for a bit. Not looking for sympathy, just sharing.

I've always hated holidays. Always. In an alcoholic household, the holidays are always full of drama and heartache. I can't remember a single Christmas where the day wasn't ruined by my parents arguing, being embarrassed at a family function, or not getting any presents. Nowadays, I treat Christmas like a regular day. I don't buy a bunch of presents like I used to, and I go to the movies, or I take a walk in the park to just think.

So, pardon me if I come off mean or nasty this month. This time of year stirs up bad memories.

Can people cheer me up with stories about their happy childhood memories during the holidays? Pretty please?

RE: Holiday Blues. - 12/6/2012 1:46:28 AM

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Our Christmas tradition: "Mormon Waffles": dulce de leche, whipped cream, and fresh fruit. My parents were both missionaries in Argentina.

Pam

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RE: Holiday Blues. - 12/6/2012 2:04:03 AM

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Joined: 1/4/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: absolutchocolat

I'm going to be vulnerable for a bit. Not looking for sympathy, just sharing.

I've always hated holidays. Always. In an alcoholic household, the holidays are always full of drama and heartache. I can't remember a single Christmas where the day wasn't ruined by my parents arguing, being embarrassed at a family function, or not getting any presents. Nowadays, I treat Christmas like a regular day. I don't buy a bunch of presents like I used to, and I go to the movies, or I take a walk in the park to just think.

So, pardon me if I come off mean or nasty this month. This time of year stirs up bad memories.

Can people cheer me up with stories about their happy childhood memories during the holidays? Pretty please?

Here you go.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RuUTqyatiRI&feature=youtube_gdata_player

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RE: Holiday Blues. - 12/6/2012 4:12:55 AM

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Your childhood sounds a lot like mine so I can't offer any cheerful memories. My father died when I was six and my mother became an alcoholic who told my brother and I that "Christmas is just another day".

I spend Christmas Day with a very close friend and her family and friends. Been doing that for years. I have some fond memories of those Christmases.

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RE: Holiday Blues. - 12/6/2012 4:51:36 AM

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: absolutchocolat

I'm going to be vulnerable for a bit. Not looking for sympathy, just sharing.

I've always hated holidays. Always. In an alcoholic household, the holidays are always full of drama and heartache. I can't remember a single Christmas where the day wasn't ruined by my parents arguing, being embarrassed at a family function, or not getting any presents. Nowadays, I treat Christmas like a regular day. I don't buy a bunch of presents like I used to, and I go to the movies, or I take a walk in the park to just think.

So, pardon me if I come off mean or nasty this month. This time of year stirs up bad memories.

Can people cheer me up with stories about their happy childhood memories during the holidays? Pretty please?

Actually, I can't cheer you up with stories of my own childhood because it was pretty fucked up as well. And, sadly, even now, Christmas is a real stressful motherfucker for me. I AM The Grinch.

BUT.......(and you have a lovely one btw...

) I can tell you that you are soooooooo not alone. I actually believe that this particular holiday is extremely stressful for more people than it is delightful. So, if anything, my bit of cheer is to give you some company and let you know you are one of many.

Let's just keep our heads down and get through it.

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(in reply to absolutchocolat)

RE: Holiday Blues. - 12/6/2012 5:49:16 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: absolutchocolat

I'm going to be vulnerable for a bit. Not looking for sympathy, just sharing.

I've always hated holidays. Always. In an alcoholic household, the holidays are always full of drama and heartache. I can't remember a single Christmas where the day wasn't ruined by my parents arguing, being embarrassed at a family function, or not getting any presents. Nowadays, I treat Christmas like a regular day. I don't buy a bunch of presents like I used to, and I go to the movies, or I take a walk in the park to just think.

So, pardon me if I come off mean or nasty this month. This time of year stirs up bad memories.

Can people cheer me up with stories about their happy childhood memories during the holidays? Pretty please?

Sorry,most of my childhood memories would just seem way to familiar to you(alcohol and drug addictions....lol)so I wouldn't be able to help.
As a matter of fact my own depression is enveloping me like a fucking fog.....and this shit feels like pea soup thick too.

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RE: Holiday Blues. - 12/6/2012 5:50:45 AM

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Can we all form a club or something ?(yes I just now read the other reply's....lol)

p.s. Which leads me to ask....Just what the fuck is "normal" ?

< Message edited by slvemike4u -- 12/6/2012 5:51:41 AM >

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If we want things to stay as they are,things will have to change...Tancredi from "the Leopard"

Forget Guns-----Ban the pools

Funny stuff....https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNwFf991d-4

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RE: Holiday Blues. - 12/6/2012 6:10:15 AM

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I too grew up in the shade of alcoholism, mental illness and divorce.

Christmas had been my favorite time of year when I was very little but when I grew older I used to try and turn myself into a pretzel to try and make everyone happy.

I think the key to having a tolerable or even happy holiday experience is to make your own traditions and to understand that we are responsible for creating our own happiness.

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RE: Holiday Blues. - 12/6/2012 6:21:03 AM

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Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
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quote:

ORIGINAL: absolutchocolat

I'm going to be vulnerable for a bit. Not looking for sympathy, just sharing.

I've always hated holidays. Always. In an alcoholic household, the holidays are always full of drama and heartache. I can't remember a single Christmas where the day wasn't ruined by my parents arguing, being embarrassed at a family function, or not getting any presents. Nowadays, I treat Christmas like a regular day. I don't buy a bunch of presents like I used to, and I go to the movies, or I take a walk in the park to just think.

So, pardon me if I come off mean or nasty this month. This time of year stirs up bad memories.

Can people cheer me up with stories about their happy childhood memories during the holidays? Pretty please?

I can relate, totally. Your brief description sounds a lot like my younger years except for the fact that I was only allowed to live with my mom and step-dad when it was convenient for them.

The only words of advice I can offer you are those that can be found at just about any Al-Anon meeting: Your parents did the best that they were capable of doing. You have to find a way to forgive them or you will never heal.

While the holiday has become a "day of family and presents", let's remember that the day is originally about the "birth" of a religious figure and that is the reason for the presents and "family time". If you don't believe in that figure (and I'm not suggesting that you should), then it is just another day.

So, if you believe it's a day to celebrate the birth of Jesus, find a way to reconnect with that and it may give some meaning to the rest of it.

If you don't see it that way, then it is just another day and you should do whatever you want and don't feel like you're failing because of it. It's your day.

Peace and comfort,

Michael

< Message edited by DaddySatyr -- 12/6/2012 6:46:26 AM >

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RE: Holiday Blues. - 12/6/2012 6:57:48 AM

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As the daughter of an alcoholic, I also understand where you are coming from. When I was younger things were okay, but as I grew older I began to dread the season. Mom has been gone almost eleven years now, and I have finally made peace with her loss, and with the way she was. I understand what caused her demons much better now.

For the first time in amlong time I am looking forward to Christmas. The house has been decorated since Saturday. I have all the baking and cooking supplies. And while money is extremely tight, the presents under the tree will be given with much love.

Christmas is about my children now.

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RE: Holiday Blues. - 12/6/2012 8:32:43 AM

SacredDepravity

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I had a wonderful childhood when it came to Christmas. Christmas Eve was spent at my grandmother's house having a huge dinner followed by my grandfather taking the little ones out to see the houses with lights up all over town and then coming back to loads of presents for everybody. After, I'd come home and put cookies and milk out for Santa (and a carrot for Rudolph) and hurried off to bed. Very early in the morning I'd wake everyone up as the pile of presents at the tree grew overnight and we would have cookies, milk, and sausage balls while we opened everything. No time to play with them though because we were off to my step father's family. There we all gathered, read the Christmas story from Luke, opened gifts, and had another huge family dinner together. After that we would talk for hours, the guys would play football in the front yard while the ladies cleaned up and talked some more. If we stayed long enough somebody would suggest a board game and we'd play until very late at night.

As I've come of age and come to have a family of my own, a lot of these same things still happen. Of course, I don't go look at lights anymore because I have to help clean up (the light show was a distraction for us impatient kids while the ladies had a huge clean up to do). It's not so bad though because we get to Grandma's special punch first and have some howlingly fun and and inappropriate conversations before the menfolk and kids get back. I have come to dislike with a burning passion all the struggle for gifts and the grotesque materialism that has come to be associated with the season. Christmas has now become a time for simple gifts for the kids from anyone in the family. The rest of us either don't exchange gifts or donate to charities in each others' names. The most meaningful gift I ever got came last year when my sister donated to provide a water system, mosquito net, and sponsored a child in my name from one of our church's sister outreach ministries. After seeing what I have, this meant more to me than anything.

I guess I have always had a family legacy of ways to make holidays special. They change over time, but they are ours. Some changes are hard, like the loss of my great grandmother several years ago that left a hole in every tradition we had from her special recipes to the empty chair at the table she always occupied. Others have been easy like moving from gifts to giving. I am honored that a lot of the food traditions of our family have come to be what I contribute each year. I was always hanging around watching everyone cook when I was little and somehow learned how to make many of the recipes that would have been lost otherwise. I continue in my great grandmother's footsteps with old recipes and move the traditions forward as well.

I know this time of year is hard for many for a host of reasons. Everything is magnified this time of year from current money problems, health concerns, to ghosts of the past. After moving a couple years ago I was shocked at how much of a hole was left by something as simple as not singing in a Christmas program. Regardless, I encourage everyone to honor the past (its pain for some and its tradition for others) but also start writing your own legacy. This day doesn't have to be what it has always been. Family doesn't have to have anything to do with bloodlines. While this is a Christian holiday, it is a celebration of life, family, and reconciliation of our own pasts. Let it have that meaning regardless of faith tradition. It is a time for peace and beauty.

If it's just too hard and avoiding everything seems easier, please still keep around people and happiness. Depression before, during, and after the holidays can get out of control leading to many hospitalizations and funerals. Be vigilant for your well being. And it is my plea that those who do not celebrate not cost others their time together. How many people does it take to open and run a store, restaurant, or theater? All of those people have their own families and traditions. Many of them would like to be with the people they love doing what has meaning to them, but they are there working. Most of the time it is not by choice and they are under threat of their employment if they don't comply. These are not essential employees like police, fire, rescue, and hospital staff. They are folks making at or just above minimum wage, often young people, stuck working for the handful of dollar bills that might walk through the door. If you can, instead, find a friend and their family who would love to have you come share with them. If you can't, then rest, reflect, and enjoy a few new traditions all your own.

I wish the best to all this season.

SD

(in reply to absolutchocolat)

RE: Holiday Blues. - 12/6/2012 8:44:51 AM

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My childhood Christmases were magical.

My parents divorced when I was three. They remained friends and worked very hard to make sure that I had wonderful family holidays.

My father's family is German. He lived in a very small town (1200 ppl) on a dirt road, on a lake in rural Massachusetts. We did Christmas on Christmas eve with ornaments that my grandparents brought from Germany. We would have a big dinner, go to church and come back for presents. It was full of gingerbread, sugar cookies, a roaring fire and nighttime walks through snowy roads.

The next morning, my father would bring me to my maternal grandparents. My grandparents grew up very poor and had become very comfortable....and went all out. They usually had a big fat tree, that had all sorts of ornaments that represented the family members. It was a room of about 30 people laughing and having fun. My grandmother's holiday dinners are legendary. She made dinner for 30 look easy. To this day, I still wonder how she did that.

I miss my grandparents, especially this time of year. I'm immensely thankful that my parents thought it was more important for me to have stable childhood than to engage in pettiness.

Now, I'm trying to make some magical memories for my parents.

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RE: Holiday Blues. - 12/6/2012 9:08:45 AM

hlen5

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SacredDepravity

..............I know this time of year is hard for many for a host of reasons. Everything is magnified this time of year from current money problems, health concerns, to ghosts of the past. After moving a couple years ago I was shocked at how much of a hole was left by something as simple as not singing in a Christmas program. Regardless, I encourage everyone to honor the past (its pain for some and its tradition for others) but also start writing your own legacy. This day doesn't have to be what it has always been. Family doesn't have to have anything to do with bloodlines. While this is a Christian holiday, it is a celebration of life, family, and reconciliation of our own pasts. Let it have that meaning regardless of faith tradition. It is a time for peace and beauty.

If it's just too hard and avoiding everything seems easier, please still keep around people and happiness. Depression before, during, and after the holidays can get out of control leading to many hospitalizations and funerals. Be vigilant for your well being. And it is my plea that those who do not celebrate not cost others their time together. How many people does it take to open and run a store, restaurant, or theater? All of those people have their own families and traditions. Many of them would like to be with the people they love doing what has meaning to them, but they are there working. Most of the time it is not by choice and they are under threat of their employment if they don't comply. These are not essential employees like police, fire, rescue, and hospital staff. They are folks making at or just above minimum wage, often young people, stuck working for the handful of dollar bills that might walk through the door. If you can, instead, find a friend and their family who would love to have you come share with them. If you can't, then rest, reflect, and enjoy a few new traditions all your own.........

SD

I'm glad you have great memories and keep your traditions!! I agree with the above whole-heartedly!

My memories are majority good, but the stress was always there. Howling like banshees was de rigeur in my house.

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RE: Holiday Blues. - 12/6/2012 9:37:29 AM

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Good points.

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RE: Holiday Blues. - 12/6/2012 9:46:43 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: absolutchocolat

I'm going to be vulnerable for a bit. Not looking for sympathy, just sharing.

I've always hated holidays. Always. In an alcoholic household, the holidays are always full of drama and heartache. I can't remember a single Christmas where the day wasn't ruined by my parents arguing, being embarrassed at a family function, or not getting any presents. Nowadays, I treat Christmas like a regular day. I don't buy a bunch of presents like I used to, and I go to the movies, or I take a walk in the park to just think.

So, pardon me if I come off mean or nasty this month. This time of year stirs up bad memories.

Can people cheer me up with stories about their happy childhood memories during the holidays? Pretty please?

I had a childhood as bad as this & as soon as was able started my own traditions

Go with friends to holiday lighting downtown with cocoa then dinner
Drive around to see neighborhood lights
Build dinner boxes at food pantry
Used to help salvation army toy give away, now do secret santa late christmas eve...follow & listen in toy asile. Family that suzie really wants barbie but we can only afford the knock off gets to register & real barbie with outfits are paid for & waiting. I sit on a bench & just watch the show knowing a kid will get "the good toy" & parents in bad times catch a break.
Will admit sadist can come out as well kid screaming I WANT gets talk with the santa hotline (friend w deep voice) once he told kid if he didn't apologize all his toys would be repoed & gone christmas morning...every toy they had.

apology to mom quickly followed!

Day of if I don't have dinner somewhere out will have friends to my place for pot luck meal & movie marathon.

Holidays don't have to be drunk & disfunctional. If you legitimately are "busy" you can skip the drama or do family drive by (30 min no more) on way to something YOU enjoy

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(in reply to absolutchocolat)

RE: Holiday Blues. - 12/6/2012 11:07:11 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: absolutchocolat

I'm going to be vulnerable for a bit. Not looking for sympathy, just sharing.

I've always hated holidays. Always. In an alcoholic household, the holidays are always full of drama and heartache. I can't remember a single Christmas where the day wasn't ruined by my parents arguing, being embarrassed at a family function, or not getting any presents. Nowadays, I treat Christmas like a regular day. I don't buy a bunch of presents like I used to, and I go to the movies, or I take a walk in the park to just think.

So, pardon me if I come off mean or nasty this month. This time of year stirs up bad memories.

Can people cheer me up with stories about their happy childhood memories during the holidays? Pretty please?

I'm not close to my parents, but my favorite childhood memories are all holiday-related. Songs, hunting for hidden gifts, decorating the tree. As an adult, though, I've created my own family. I saw an interview with Joss Whedon where he said, "Family is the people who treat you like family." I imagine the quote is hundreds of years old. It's stuck with me, and one of my life objectives is to find people who treat me like family, and to hold them close.

Also, I think blacksword has the right of it. Here's something I ran into recently that left me very pleasantly surprised.

http://youtu.be/WUz-WqUw4Ic

Happy holidays, Miss Tasty Morsel.

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Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
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(in reply to absolutchocolat)

RE: Holiday Blues. - 12/6/2012 3:23:16 PM

Aylee

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quote:

ORIGINAL: absolutchocolat

Can people cheer me up with stories about their happy childhood memories during the holidays? Pretty please?

Well, my parents did not have a lot of extra money when we were small so there was lots of baking and making Christmas cookies. We (I and my two sisters) got to help with that and decorate the cookies. Each year we would also make new ornaments for the tree. On nights that the Christmas specials were on we actually got to eat dinner IN FRONT OF THE TV! Wootie woot woot!

On one night my dad would take us to go see all the pretty Christmas lights. My dad was a UPS delivery driver and so worked VERY long hours during the holiday season. Many evenings he would bring home gifts from the folks he delivered to. He always let us unwrap them for him. We unwrapped a lot of Enstroms Almond Toffee over the years. To this day I cannot stand the stuff. LOL Although I have given it to others and they praise it.

My mother's Christmas "bonus" was a gift certificate to the grocery store. On Christmas Eve we would go to the store and each of us was allowed to pick out our own TV dinner. It was quite the treat as those were a rarity for us.

After dinner we would either have family over or go to another family member’s house and have a gift exchange. It usually involved some sort of game. The gift would be a white elephant kind of thing. There were some very strange things exchanged.

When we got home we were allowed to open one gift. Strangely, the gift always seemed to be some sort of new night clothes. There was the year each of us had these HUGE boxes all wrapped up with our names on them under the tree. My sisters and I decided that THOSE were going to be the present to open on Christmas Eve. Well we did. Each box was filled with other wrapped packages. (What a dirty trick!) That year we did get to open a second present. After much argument. I am sure my parents laughed and laughed after we went to bed.

On Christmas morning we would wake our parents (not allowed until 4 am) and then all go downstairs together. Then we had to find our stockings. That bat rasterd Claus would hide them with little hints. You would end up going from place to place (new hints were there) and then end up with a "good luck on your search." I have no idea how long it took my parents to come up with the rhyming hints that they did. Once everyone had their stocking we could unwrap and dig through them at will. When stockings were done, we would take turns opening a present so that everyone could see what everyone else got. Somehow my parents always had just the right batteries for whatever Santa had left.

Then my mother would make breakfast and both sets of grandparents would come over for it. Bringing more presents of course.

Christmas dinner rotated houses between my mother, my aunts, and her mother. They always made sure that we kids had sparkling grape juice.

For me growing up, the Christmas season was always about doing things with each other and for each other. Some of the traditions changed as we got older. For one, we started having a much nicer Christmas Eve dinner, but as a kid it had been wonderful to pick out a frozen dinner.

I have a family of my own now, and while we do not do the exact same things (for example, I am thinking of ordering Indian food on Christmas Eve), it is still about doing things with and for each other.

I am sorry to hear that you do not have these kinds of warm memories. Please keep in mind that there is no reason not to start making some new and shinier memories. Peace on Earth and goodwill towards men.

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RE: Holiday Blues. - 12/6/2012 3:35:22 PM

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My childhoods Christmases were very good, however, my ones as a young adult were awful, thanks to my ex. So, just remember what you are feeling is not unique, there is a lot of sadness, anger, guilt and regret associated with the holidays.. all because humans are complex, with all kinds of experiences, trials and tribulations. I've now married into a Jewish family, so that has taken the pressure/anxiety associated with Christmas and lessened it.

My best suggestion would be to try and develop your own traditions, things that make you feel good.

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RE: Holiday Blues. - 12/6/2012 4:00:36 PM

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Start your own Christmas tradition and do what makes you feel good. Try to let your negative feelings go, and make it into a holiday you want it to be, and don't pressure yourself into making a "perfect" Christmas - doing that only adds to the stress. Don't let the past drive your future.

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RE: Holiday Blues. - 12/6/2012 5:35:39 PM

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Sorry, but my childhood was uneventful. Also, I was raised agnostic, with a flavoring of Jewish, so the holidays weren't a big thing. I have no childhood holiday memories, good or bad.

As an adult, they've been pretty good. Last year was the best. I had been with my sub Tasha since Feb of that year. She made stockings for myself, herself, our "daughter" Tiffany, her son, and a friend and her son Zach. Also, our cat and four chinchillas.

Tasha's friend and Zach were delighted to not be orphans for the holidays. Tiffany preferred being with us to her biological family. They all flooded the house with good feelings.

_____________________________

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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