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LaTigresse -> RE: Is child rearing an act of masochism? (12/13/2012 8:37:17 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: epiphiny43
I have observed two basic styles of child rearing. I call one, "Little League' parent, or Bonsai style. Parents have an image of what they want the child to be and cut and prune away everything else. At best, they get a perfect, but Small version of their image. This is a Lot of work? And usually completely frustrated as the children naturally rebel trying to be exactly who They are.
The other style I call 'Wildflowers'. An angel drops some seeds in your hand and says, "Plant, nuture and protect these." "What are they?" "You won't know till they are grown." And so the colors and shapes reveal themself beyond all our imagination. Less work, more fun?
I would say I've always been the 'wildflowers' version. I wanted my kids to grow up to be happy, well adjusted, productive members of society. Able to be responsible for themselves and their own actions. Beyond that, I never pushed them to BE any sort of preconceived notion of what I wanted them to be. I've always been as supportive as the parameters I already listed above, allow me to be. I've never turned my back on my kids when they didn't stay within those parameters, just let them know I didn't approve, but kept loving and encouraging them to do better for themselves, then when they were parents, for their own kids.
NV, I am sorry if my words caused you hurt. My heart always hurts for people that want so badly what came so easily, and without desire, to me. It doesn't seem fair.
One thing I do want to say..........I don't for a minute regret having my kids. They are part of the life path that has made me who I am today. Being forced to be the responsible one, to care about how every single thing I do, every decision I make, affects them. That's good stuff I don't care how you slice it. There is a selflessness that is created in most people that become parents, not all, but many. I needed that I believe.
And I gotta say, all of the hell and hurt my kids have caused me are worth it when I get a phone call like I did this morning, from my daughter, to say "Gooooooood morningggggggg, I just wanted to tell you that I love you and am soooooo glad you are my mom!" Or moments like one this last summer when my grandson said to me "Grandma, I won't ever not want to hang out with you! I love you!" When I suggested if he ever wanted to do stuff with friends or whatever, instead of hanging out with me on the farm for a weekend, he should tell me. So his dad is a pain in the ass......c'est la vie, the two grandsons I get from the pain in the ass are two of the most important bits of my life.
I guess the reason for the tone I've taken a lot in this thread is that I do think that parents, maybe especially women, are often afraid to admit the less than wonderful aspects of parenthood. The moments we wish we'd 'swallowed'. It's almost taboo. Hell, I had that conversation with my daughter. She's got one going through the clingy stage and another going through the "No!" stage.
Being a parent isn't all sweetness and light. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, how good your intentions, you still end up with a child, a human being, that isn't a very likable person. Admitting that isn't a crime and parents of those kids shouldn't be ostracized for it. They should immediately be considered 'bad parents'.
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