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A submissive at risk? - 6/17/2006 7:29:08 AM   
GoddessLillith


Posts: 17
Joined: 6/7/2006
Status: offline 		Hello there, I've been lurking here for a while so this is my first post.

I am an Icelandic Domina and have been interviewing potential houseslaves. So far so good. The other day I interviewed a potential slave and his responses disturbed me.

So he's submisive allright, but he also seem desperatly submissive to the point of dooing whatever asked with no limits set for himself. According to his answers he wants to be a slave for me ONLY me, is willing to relocate and change his whole life around and basically if I had asked him (which I didn't) he would live in a closet in my house only too come out for cleaning. Some might find him the perfect sub, I don't know, but I left the meeting thinking, OMFG he'll be trampled to bits by some unscrupilous person if I don't take him on.

I realy don't want him as a sub though, he does not apeal to me as a sub, the only feeling he gave me was that I feel he needs protection and guidance. I MIGHT be able to provide that, but unsure of how to go about this. He seems awfully needy also and might become a gluedtomyheel sub that I couldn't shake of.

So any ideas, suggestions, warnings?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: A submissive at risk? - 6/17/2006 7:41:17 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		While being worried about him is a wonderful thing you may have over looked another option.

He's telling you his fantasy. He might not even realize that is it a fantasy. But by his saying "I would do X, Y, and Z" he isn't really telling you what he would do so much as what he hopes he might be required to do.

Living with someone, serving someone is quite different.

If I were you, I'd slow him down and give him a more realistic view of what serving you might entail. Make it as mundane as it really will be. If he's just into the fantasy, this reality check will send away. You might however find that he can step outside those fantasies and will respond realistically to what you say once you start giving him realistic information.

Perhaps he can't step outside the fantasies and perhaps he isn't mature enough to deal with the realities of the vast majority of Ds and Ms lives. You could try and talk to him about taking things slower or being more cautious but you can't make him do these things.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to GoddessLillith)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: A submissive at risk? - 6/17/2006 7:42:28 AM   
LadyNoel


Posts: 17
Joined: 6/2/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessLillith
He seems awfully needy also and might become a gluedtomyheel sub that I couldn't shake of.


If this is your feeling you are probably right. 

Personally, and this is a personal opinion, it sounds like he need a mentor right now and some time to find himself a bit, not a relationship.  I am of the school that subs should mentor subs, as Dominants mentoring subs leads to a deeper attachment on the sub side than the Dominant may want.

(Again, just my personal opinion.)

(in reply to GoddessLillith)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: A submissive at risk? - 6/17/2006 7:54:59 AM   
GoddessLillith


Posts: 17
Joined: 6/7/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyNoel

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessLillith
He seems awfully needy also and might become a gluedtomyheel sub that I couldn't shake of.


If this is your feeling you are probably right. 

Personally, and this is a personal opinion, it sounds like he need a mentor right now and some time to find himself a bit, not a relationship.  I am of the school that subs should mentor subs, as Dominants mentoring subs leads to a deeper attachment on the sub side than the Dominant may want.

(Again, just my personal opinion.)


That is exelent advice. The line "Dominants mentoring subs leads to a deeper attachment on the sub side than the Dominant may want." is just my fear. I tought instantly he needs a Mentor but felt if I would do it he'd just get more attached. Handing him over to a sub with experiance seems like the perfect solution. And I think I might even know the right sub.

Thank you.

(in reply to LadyNoel)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: A submissive at risk? - 6/17/2006 8:37:46 AM   
LadyNoel


Posts: 17
Joined: 6/2/2006
Status: offline 		You're most welcome.  Hope it works out.

(in reply to GoddessLillith)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: A submissive at risk? - 6/17/2006 9:39:34 AM   
Proprietrix


Posts: 756
Joined: 7/15/2005
From: Ohio/West Virginia
Status: offline 		Please don't forget this man is an adult.

He needs to have the space to make decisions, make mistakes, and learn from them.
If a Mother-figure steps in to take him under her wing and protect him from all the baddies in the world, he is never going to be able to acquire his own strength, his own sense of protection, his own communication skills, and his own ability to be self-sufficient.

We all have to have the opportunity to experience the world for ourselves to learn how to deal with both the good and the bad out there. This is precisely why parents loosen the grip a little at a time with teenagers. We can't protect them forever and at some point, they have to have the space to take risks, make mistakes, and learn from them.

If you don't want this relationship, and you and he have different expectations and desires... is it really doing either of you any justice to pursue a relationship based on pity for the perceived potential victim?
I fear that would only perpetuate his sheltered outlook even more in the long run.

It's nice to want to save the niave from danger, but realistically, the best way to protect someone is to allow them room to learn for themselves.

_____________________________

IMO, IMHO, YMMV, AFAIK, to me, I see it as, from my perspective, it's been my experience, I only speak for myself, (and all other disclaimers here).

(in reply to GoddessLillith)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: A submissive at risk? - 6/17/2006 10:05:33 AM   
GoddessLillith


Posts: 17
Joined: 6/7/2006
Status: offline 		"Please don't forget this man is an adult."
I haven't, however he seemed mightly immature to me and naive, almost verging on the brink of being mentaly challenged.

"He needs to have the space to make decisions, make mistakes, and learn from them. If a Mother-figure steps in to take him under her wing and protect him from all the baddies in the world, he is never going to be able to acquire his own strength, his own sense of protection, his own communication skills, and his own ability to be self-sufficient."
Quite, but he seems to be the type that will make mistakes that could permanently wound him. So I'd like for my own concience sake to do something of worth to assist him in not learning those lessons the hardest way. I strongly believe that those of us that have experience and so on, should be vigilant and on guard towards possible mental cases. For their and others protection. I left a lot of what went between us out of the post as he is a collarme member and could read this. But there were highly disturbing comments made, one about a health problem he has and wanted me to ignore so it wouldn't disturb my game. An offer of that sort made to a less caring person could lead to great injury or even death in worst of cases. I told him so, but somehow I think his desperateness might get the better of him. I can't get any further into the discussion with out revealing to much for an open chanel.

"If you don't want this relationship, and you and he have different expectations and desires... is it really doing either of you any justice to pursue a relationship based on pity for the perceived potential victim? "
What I meant was that I don't want a D/s relationship, but that doesn't mean I could not be his friend or guide him towards friends that could shine a light on how utterly unsafely he is acting.

"I fear that would only perpetuate his sheltered outlook even more in the long run."
This is ofcourse a risk, but less a risk then overlooking the hole in the ground, thinking someone else will cover it and noone is gona get hurt.

I do think your post was quite good, in the case of most subs I've met, that would be my exact reaction, but this one was something I have never seen before. And I have probably  met 90% of the subs here in Iceland.

(in reply to Proprietrix)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: A submissive at risk? - 6/17/2006 10:48:52 AM   
LadyHugs


Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Dear GoddessLillith, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
I am of the thought in my mind's eye; that you have a lad, to whom is similar to a submissive in Canada, that had a dominant in a similar pattern of "will do anything and or to good to be true."  Breaking off such has been like breaking a date with a stalker.
 
I also come to the consideration that, perhaps as been already stated, this lad has more fantasy than real experiences and just is arroused by the whole concept.  There is a question that comes to mind, as to what he will do in order to support himself outside the premise until things develop in a good pace and not a rush choice, that might be a 'no match.'  Perhaps he is thinking you will provide for everything and will work little for full care.
 
It is evident, there are individuals out there that play both sides, as to play others and see what they can get out of it.  Using the bait or fishing for the hero to come save them, is perhaps what they seek.  These takers take everything from giving dominants.
 
Perhaps the lad is so lonely and or needing of constant care like a child.
 
What role are you willing to take? Warden, baby-sitter, mental health healer or dominant.  With a 90% acquaintance ratio with other submissives, to which the behavior in your words "disturb," then you need to reflect on what steps you need to do.  Once you commit, you must follow through.
 
The question perhaps should be, what your gut instincts are. 
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to GoddessLillith)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: A submissive at risk? - 6/17/2006 11:18:47 AM   
MsKatHouston


Posts: 1909
Joined: 6/7/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline 		I agree with a lot of what has been said so far.  I would also throw out the other option that he is flat out lying and manipulating your to take advantage somehow.  I am more of a suspicious nature and he may just be lonely and needy but be careful and protect yourself.  How much experience does this guy have?  What is his lifestyle now?  If he's mired in fantasy he will have a rude awakening.  I agree with the mentor suggestion. 

_____________________________

-Kat

~If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning~

(in reply to GoddessLillith)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: A submissive at risk? - 6/17/2006 12:17:20 PM   
MisPandora


Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline 		Sounds like an extravagant fantasy that if he were actually put into that closet, you'd need a union of carpenters to put your house back together from him bursting out of it in a fit.  Those extreme slave fantasies hardly ever pan out in RT for the male submissive, I'm afraid.

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to GoddessLillith)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: A submissive at risk? - 6/18/2006 3:51:13 PM   
DommeShi


Posts: 58
Joined: 11/19/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline 		I am in accord with  LadyHugs. Many of that nature ..
 
Domme Shi

(in reply to GoddessLillith)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: A submissive at risk? - 6/21/2006 12:30:43 PM   
GoddessLillith


Posts: 17
Joined: 6/7/2006
Status: offline 		A quick update, in case you are interested.

I got him to come to a munch and then asked people what they thought about him, they all agreed, there was something a bit of...

So I called him to me for a meeting and told him, I had questions about how he was aproaching this. I asked him if there was someone he went to for adwice in the vanilla world, and boom he tells me he has a caretaker. So my initial gut feeling was right. I told him ok, so then I need to speak with this caretaker of yours. And that is what I aim to do, and see if we can't find a way for him to be involved in the social aspect of the scene without going over his limit. I feel this has gone the best way possible. Thanx for your input.

(in reply to DommeShi)
Profile   Post #: 12
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