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delete post - 12/18/2012 6:08:12 PM   
cincysweet


Posts: 3
Joined: 7/24/2007
Status: offline 		delete post

< Message edited by cincysweet -- 12/18/2012 6:45:36 PM >
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: rl submission vs. kink submission - 12/18/2012 6:15:47 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cincysweet
Probably a terrible title for this questions, but maybe it got someone's attention.

Yes, it is. And let me put my oar in the water right now and try to not let the title go nuts on you. You might have chosen something like "lifestyle submission" or "non-sexual submission". Any time anyone uses the word "real" it goes poorly.

quote:

I personally believe the my submission less about my body, sex, or kink but more about my mind, my heart and my soul wanting no needing to feel safe in me pleasing someone else. Pleasing to me is not only in a sexual manner. It is time, attention, doing things that I know he likes or wants (outside of the bedroom as well as inside), etc.

Many of us would agree.

quote:

I hear so many Doms say they are looking for more than sex, they want the connection and some have even said love.
Then when talking to other Doms, I hear about training. When I ask what training is to them, I receive blanket statements like..."how to suck my cock", "how I like to be pleased sexually", "opening your holes so you can take anything and everything I choose", and the list could go on.

lots of men lie about their sexuality. Surely this isn't news.

quote:

So my question is....what is a true plausible percentage of sex/kink in a D/s relationship?

I don't know how to answer that question. I have a marriage. It isn't a "D/s marriage". It's just a marriage where one of us happens to have a dominant personality and the other a submissive one... not sexually but in the more social sense. We have sex pretty much a lot like other couples... when it seems like a good idea. My marriage is not about sex. It's about sharing my life with the woman I love. Some days I dress Carol up in something slutty while she paints. Is that "sex/kink" or "painting/real life"? The answer is it's some of both. She's painting and I'm leering. It's just a part of the fabric of our marriage.


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to cincysweet)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: rl submission vs. kink submission - 12/18/2012 6:17:33 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		You can engage in D/s and never engage in sex or BDSM.

You can engage in BDSM and never engage in sex or D/s.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: rl submission vs. kink submission - 12/18/2012 6:18:55 PM   
HisPet21


Posts: 395
Status: offline 		I suppose it depends on why you've decided on a D/s relationship in the first place. I don't doubt that some people assume the dynamic just because it makes the relationship more sexually charged, while others assume a D/s dynamic with little to no kink. They simply feel more comfortable in a dynamic of unequal power, and that works for them. The D/s doesn't really involve a lot of kinky sex.

As for me and my relationship, we kind of have a half-ass D/s dynamic going on. We both want to eventually achieve a firm D/s relationship, but we won't be living together for a while yet and have pretty full lives, so it's difficult to start setting some of the foundation for that kind of thing, especially since submission doesn't come naturally to me. So, right now, most of what we do D/s wise is sexually oriented, because its easy. Even with our busy, often times distinct lives, it's easy to send a text asking for permission to masturbate (I get one freebie each week, and unlimited freebies during final exams, but I still have to ask/inform him of what I am doing). And it's easy to, say, cater to him in the bedroom (usually I am on top, doing to work). These things are manageable, baby step type things we can both handle right now. But my guess is that we'll incorporate a lot more than sex into the dynamic once we move in together and see each other more often.

(in reply to cincysweet)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: rl submission vs. kink submission - 12/18/2012 6:25:03 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cincysweet
I personally believe the my submission less about my body, sex, or kink but more about my mind, my heart and my soul wanting no needing to feel safe in me pleasing someone else. Pleasing to me is not only in a sexual manner. It is time, attention, doing things that I know he likes or wants (outside of the bedroom as well as inside), etc.

I had a profile up on a sugar daddy site for a while, and ran into a lot of women who would identify exactly how you wrote. I started calling it "vanilla sub." (For those interested, there were roughly speaking two categories of ladies on the site, the ones looking for financial support and NSA; and the ones looking for a long term relationship with someone "established," where spending money was less important than social status or security.)

I've found most women on CM are pretty damn kinky, meaning it's very hard for them to find 100% satisfaction in a vanilla relationship, even one with a D/s component. If they didn't need kink, they wouldn't put up with the crazy in their inboxes.

You might consider making a profile on a site like OKCupid, and including code words. "I'm looking for a traditional relationship," "I enjoy it when a man takes charge, both inside and outside the bedroom," or whatever fits you. If you don't really care about bondage and knife play, and "only" want to be led and ordered around, I think it would be worth your while to look more broadly than kink sites.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to cincysweet)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: rl submission vs. kink submission - 12/18/2012 6:34:08 PM   
cincysweet


Posts: 3
Joined: 7/24/2007
Status: offline 		Thank you for your reply but you have me completely wrong.
I asked the question because of the difference I'm seeing in the inbox. I was trying to get others take on the question.

I know who I am. I also know what I want.

(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: role submission vs. kink submission - 12/18/2012 6:41:43 PM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline
quote:

So my question is....what is a true plausible percentage of sex/kink in a D/s relationship?


It honestly can be whatever percentages you would like it to be. Its all a matter of finding that person out there that thinks along the same lines as you do. As OsideGirl was saying, you can have kink without sex and you can have sex without kink. If someone you are talking to doesnt sound like the right kind of fit for you, there is no harm in calling it a day on that particular conversation and moving on.

(in reply to cincysweet)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: delete post - 12/18/2012 6:53:48 PM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cincysweet

deleted post

It's really a shame you decided to delete your post, as your question was a good one, and one
in which many others would benefit from by reading the answers that were sure to follow.
I'm also puzzled at your defensiveness in response to the well meaning advice that RedMagic offered.
For that reason, I will be copying it here.

quote:

ORIGINAL: cincysweet
I'm not even sure what to call the difference
I personally believe the my submission less about my body, sex, or kink but more about my mind,
my heart and my soul wanting no needing to feel safe in me pleasing someone else. Pleasing to me
is not only in a sexual manner. It is time, attention, doing things that I know he likes or wants
(outside of the bedroom as well as inside), etc. I hear so many Doms say they are looking for more
than sex, they want the connection and some have even said love. Then when talking to other Doms,
I hear about training. When I ask what training is to them, I receive blanket statements like..."how to suck my cock", "how I like to be pleased sexually", "opening your holes so you can take anything and everything I choose", and the list could go on.

So my question is....what is a true plausible percentage of sex/kink in a D/s relationship?


Since you aren't really looking for an answer, I'll ask one instead.
What difference would it make in your relationship, whether other people were 85% sexual, or only 10%?



_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to cincysweet)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: rl submission vs. kink submission - 12/18/2012 6:56:43 PM   
Hillwilliam


Posts: 19394
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cincysweet

Thank you for your reply but you have me completely wrong.
I asked the question because of the difference I'm seeing in the inbox. I was trying to get others take on the question.

I know who I am. I also know what I want.


Dont worry about your inbox. A lot of your inbox is horny net geeks who have never met a sub in the flesh.

Only worry about you and your partner(s).
This is all that counts.

< Message edited by Hillwilliam -- 12/18/2012 6:57:06 PM >

_____________________________

Kinkier than a cheap garden hose.

Whoever said "Religion is the opiate of the masses" never heard Right Wing talk radio.

Don't blame me, I voted for Gary Johnson.

(in reply to cincysweet)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: rl submission vs. kink submission - 12/18/2012 7:47:23 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam
Dont worry about your inbox. A lot of your inbox is horny net geeks who have never met a sub in the flesh.

... many of whom may never have even seen a woman in the flesh... at least naked. Many of the rest read the Story of O cover to cover 20 times and attended three different public play parties and are now the gods of BDSM.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to Hillwilliam)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: rl submission vs. kink submission - 12/18/2012 10:42:30 PM   
HisPet21


Posts: 395
Status: offline
quote:

Many of the rest read the Story of O cover to cover 20 times and attended three different public play parties and are now the gods of BDSM.


All hail the Gods of BDSM!

Let us bow our heads and pray!

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: rl submission vs. kink submission - 12/19/2012 5:47:24 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

So my question is....what is a true plausible percentage of sex/kink in a D/s relationship?

I've had D/s relationships that had zero sex and some that were mostly sex.

quote:

I asked the question because of the difference I'm seeing in the inbox.

My inbox is 99% crap.

When I'm in the mood I'll reply to the crap with things like:

"Please let me know when you have added pictures and text to your profile."

"You might find this thread from the discussion side of the side of interest: http://www.collarchat.com/m_4264993/tm.htm / http://www.collarchat.com/m_4208944/tm.htm "

And my personal favorite to a so-called neurosurgeon:

"I, and many other women as I've learned from the discussion side of the site, find a request for YIM in the first message disconcerting. I prefer to get to know men by email initially. However, I would be willing to discuss neuroplasticity via chat this evening."

_____________________________

Curious about the "Sluts Vote" avatars? See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4133036/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4133036

(in reply to cincysweet)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: rl submission vs. kink submission - 12/20/2012 3:36:21 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		We can go a long time w/o sex...and we can have three times every night too (Though that's happening less often as I get older-booooo age). It all depends on what's going on with our lives.
Like right now, first I was sick, then she was sick, then it was that time of the month, then I got buried at work. So right now, it's been a while. But tomorrow, I'm gonna do some anal fisting (If you'll excuse the pun), rect(um)ify the situation.

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: rl submission vs. kink submission - 12/20/2012 7:47:50 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		We're soooo old! Did I just say that?
Oh no! I sound like my brother who I've been informed is now 60 years old! WTF??? I don't keep track of his birthday. lol

I need to call him and ask him I'm glad he's older than I am so I can feel young again!


As for tomorrow.....

Nuff said!

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: rl submission vs. kink submission - 12/22/2012 5:32:43 PM   
RemoteUser


Posts: 2854
Joined: 5/10/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

We can go a long time w/o sex...and we can have three times every night too (Though that's happening less often as I get older-booooo age). It all depends on what's going on with our lives.
Like right now, first I was sick, then she was sick, then it was that time of the month, then I got buried at work. So right now, it's been a while. But tomorrow, I'm gonna do some anal fisting (If you'll excuse the pun), rect(um)ify the situation.


Really? What time of the month was it?

Oh geez. Kana...did you get your period...?

(Mine is due in a week.)


_____________________________

There is nothing worse than being right. Instead of being right, then, try to be open. It is more difficult, and more rewarding.


(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: rl submission vs. kink submission - 12/22/2012 7:27:51 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		He just has lousy timing.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to RemoteUser)
Profile   Post #: 16
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