Submissives interests/hobbies (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress



Message

Steadygoing -> Submissives interests/hobbies (1/7/2013 8:54:55 PM)

Basically I've been thinking recently about what a relationship with a dominant woman would be like and how, from what I've read, it entails them having the final say in matters in the relationship. I then got to thinking about all the things I want for myself and I'm not sure how much I'd be able to cope without having them. Giving so much attention and effort to please another person is draining in and of itself, but when you may not have anything for yourself other than that it would probably become quite hard to deal with for me.

So I suppose my question is, how are the subs other interests taken into account in a D/s relationship. Obviously you would talk about these sort of things with a partner to know more specifics, but a general feel; are they included in the D/s dynamic? Or are they left separate so the sub has their outlet/downtime?



saundrakitty -> RE: Submissives interests/hobbies (1/7/2013 9:09:19 PM)

When I begin talking to a new sub or even a slave the first thing we cover is his vanilla life interests and any hobbies and if they are working or in school their schedule. It helps me to know how they relax and distress. I take this in account and give my subs down time to enjoy there Hobbies as a reward. If its a hobby I enjoy - I might have them enjoy it with me as an extra special treat we both can share together. That way by giving them this down time they are more willing and happy within our relationship and have no issues with Me in control.



OttersSwim -> RE: Submissives interests/hobbies (1/7/2013 9:15:16 PM)

Great question!

As with so many things, it will depend on your particular dynamic. But, without doubt, no matter what your dynamic, you as the submissive are going to be willingly subsuming part of your life, your time, your interests, to the life, time, and interests of another. I personally believe it is necessary, as you are doing, to really think about this upfront and know where you are willing to go, and to accept that it may change over time.

For myself and my dynamic, I find that I tend to lose aspects of myself in that other person. Some of those aspects are necessary to my well being - like my art, cooking, creativity, etc. My Lady has been very good about giving me time and encouraging me to express those passions even if I have stepped away from them a bit in the beginning few years of our relationship. There are some things in life that if you don't do them, you lose part of yourself. In my view, a good Dominant will be able to see those things in you that are necessary for your overall well being and if it is compatible with her life, time, and interests, she will give you space to pursue them.

Further, I think that everyone needs down time and time alone to do whatever it is they like to "recharge". Even if it is just a couple of hours a week.



TheBoyDownBelow -> RE: Submissives interests/hobbies (1/7/2013 9:41:29 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: OttersSwim

Great question!



+1 I do agree

quote:

ORIGINAL: OttersSwim

There are some things in life that if you don't do them, you lose part of yourself.



This pretty much tells it all. I would go a step further, and say you become an entirely different person. Pretty much the main reason I labeled myself as switch. My passion that I have pursued now for many years, is one huge hard limit.



theRose4U -> RE: Submissives interests/hobbies (1/8/2013 9:28:08 AM)

The easy answer is it depends on the dominant.

The deeper answer: if a sub doesn't have complimentary hobbies then I probably won't be interested. Dommes can get kink pretty much whenever we want, so BEING someone interesting is much more important than a list of exotic "do-me" kinks.

"Being in charge (control)" doesn't always mean we re-design who you are. Yes, a "good foundation" is most appealing, but that doesn't mean every time we level the house that was there & rebuild. Thats a ton of work when finding a more suitable beginning wouldn't be that much more difficult. I would rather tweak who someone is, remove obsticles not redesigh their entire life & being. That being said there are "sadistic architects" out there buta sub thats saying "fix me, change me, do for me me me me" kind of defeats the point of being in charge.

I suppose making a lawyer become a waiter could be someones kink. But myself I prefer the CEO being the best one he can be which makes the kink shift of hands & knees hand polishing my floors that much more delicious. Giving up who they are & what made them attractive in the first place is just counter-intuitive. That being said the ugly shirt in the closet, the odd nose piicking thing they do & the horrible meal dogs won't eat that's "their favorite meal to make" are all getting changed. Moms 16 calls a day will be limited to one, the venomous friend that always seems to be present when trouble occurs is gone, & there will be charmin soft paper in the bathroom instead of sand paper...a girl has to draw lines somewhere!!!



OsideGirl -> RE: Submissives interests/hobbies (1/8/2013 9:32:04 AM)

Having separate interests and spending some time apart are parts of a healthy relationship. He encourages me to find things that spark my interest. Some are hobbies that we share and some are specific to me. I always bring the request to him when there is something new that I want to start.



SeekingTrinity -> RE: Submissives interests/hobbies (1/8/2013 9:51:26 AM)

~FRing it~

My personal belief as far as my dynamic goes is that I do not like to ask someone to give up their interests outside of the relationship. For many, the things that they enjoy doing are a part of who they are as a person. While I think its great to have things in common that can be done together sometimes (like snowboarding), time apart is also very good too.



SylvereApLeanan -> RE: Submissives interests/hobbies (1/8/2013 10:18:12 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Steadygoing

So I suppose my question is, how are the subs other interests taken into account in a D/s relationship. Obviously you would talk about these sort of things with a partner to know more specifics, but a general feel; are they included in the D/s dynamic? Or are they left separate so the sub has their outlet/downtime?


I choose partners, submissive or otherwise, based on compatible vanilla and kink interests, compatible values and life goals, and compatible views on how to conduct a relationship. Those things are worked into the D/s dynamic in a way that works for both of us, although it might not always be comfortable for the s-type.

As an example: My Kitty is a gamer, as am I, although we play different games. He travels a lot for events and being free to continue his hobbies was important to him. I require him to create and maintain a shared Google calendar with the dates and locations of his events. For any future events, he must ask my permission to attend. He knows I'll say yes, but he still has to ask. It reinforces the dynamic without taking anything away from him.

Besides, it's good for his mental health to play Airsoft or whatever he's doing. A happy Kitty is a Kitty who serves me better. Win/win.



NocturnalStalker -> RE: Submissives interests/hobbies (1/8/2013 10:27:34 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Steadygoing

Basically I've been thinking recently about what a relationship with a dominant woman would be like and how, from what I've read, it entails them having the final say in matters in the relationship. I then got to thinking about all the things I want for myself and I'm not sure how much I'd be able to cope without having them. Giving so much attention and effort to please another person is draining in and of itself, but when you may not have anything for yourself other than that it would probably become quite hard to deal with for me.

So I suppose my question is, how are the subs other interests taken into account in a D/s relationship. Obviously you would talk about these sort of things with a partner to know more specifics, but a general feel; are they included in the D/s dynamic? Or are they left separate so the sub has their outlet/downtime?


Once you're in a monogamous relationship, you, as the male, cease having individual interests.




SnowRanger -> RE: Submissives interests/hobbies (1/8/2013 10:33:38 AM)

Hello A/all,

I confess that I have difficulty with this one. My life has been , due to time and distance, highly compartmentalized. People from my first Thoreau period are completly separate from my second one. I love snow sports but cannot interest any of my friends in participation (except Snow Tubbing <GACK>).

Consequently, it seems completely natural for me to compartmentalize my F/m interests and activities from the rest of my life. I have to wonder if this is,ultimately, healthy for me. I confess that I am still in the clothest apropos of D/s.

I confess that there are times that I have trouble making the transition from subbie back to SnowRanger mode. Select music passages help there. For now, I maintain that comartmentalization.

My concern is this: Should I, in the interest of my own overall integrity, integrate my F/m interests into the rest of my life; or, is it in my best interest to maintain the compartmentalization that I have now.

Respectfully,
Mike
SnowRanger



Steadygoing -> RE: Submissives interests/hobbies (1/8/2013 2:28:54 PM)

Thank you for the responses. I understand the things you want to do are a part of who you are. Removing them would almost certainly make you less happy and change how you act which is why I asked the question in the first place. I already knew that partners would seek common interests. However you do not always and it's often rare you match in every way which I guess is where this would become an issue. Either be it you need more of a certain activity or an activity that isn't a shared interest. Or even you just need time away. This was touched on by a few and I got some encouraging replies.

Otter: Yes, I understand that I would be giving up my time and effort for that of another. My problem I suppose was I don't think I can give up everything without being severely unhappy. After hearing yours and others replies it seems commonplace at least in successful relationships that the submissive is allowed time to follow their own interests.

Sylvere: That sounds like a very sensible way to go about it and I would be very happy if that were the case for me.

TheRose: I don't think it would be changing who someone is limiting their time to partake in some of their interests. I'd say trying to change someone's interests is changing who someone is and consequentially I'd say this is much harder to do.

Personally I think the point I was trying to make is. As a sub one of my interests (and the one I'd care about most) would be my partner, I would prioritise my interests and put my partner first if need be. However I don't think I'd be able to live well enough without my other interests and releases. Now, the argument put forward by most in here seems encouraging, that it is in the dominants interest to keep their submissive happy and healthy so the relationship is better for both of them and they allow them sub their own time when needed.




RumpusParable -> RE: Submissives interests/hobbies (1/8/2013 4:05:56 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Steadygoing

Basically I've been thinking recently about what a relationship with a dominant woman would be like and how, from what I've read, it entails them having the final say in matters in the relationship. I then got to thinking about all the things I want for myself and I'm not sure how much I'd be able to cope without having them. Giving so much attention and effort to please another person is draining in and of itself, but when you may not have anything for yourself other than that it would probably become quite hard to deal with for me.

So I suppose my question is, how are the subs other interests taken into account in a D/s relationship. Obviously you would talk about these sort of things with a partner to know more specifics, but a general feel; are they included in the D/s dynamic? Or are they left separate so the sub has their outlet/downtime?


For Chael and I they are both depending on exactly what you mean.

First, we're 24/7 so he doesn't really *have* downtime from being a sub. Even when we're apart he has guidelines and expectations he tries to follow and meet to the best of his ability. That clarified, I'll address it in terms of time spent together vs time spent together:

We're a couple who spends almost all our time together. Not because of a feeling we *need* to due to being married or D/s, but rather that we ended up those two things because we're at base best friends. So most of our interests are shared and shared together.

Hiking and camping, playing Dungeons & Dragons (with him the DM), watching movies, going to concerts or lectures, studying college subjects together (he's working on a degree and I take the courses with him for fun and doing it together enjoyment), visiting Renn Faires, all sorts of stuff.

We also *do* do things separate. He has his room and I have mine in the house. Unless we are hanging out together we are usually each in our own rooms doing our own things... he reads, plays on the internet, plays videogames, watches movies or tv shows I wouldn't want to watch with him in general or at that moment, designs stuff for his webstores, etc. He's not one to go out at night on his own other than going to the grocery store or Walmart for stuff, but he sometimes has lunch with a co-worker or something without me.

When we're at home doing things in different rooms, as I said, the dynamic and rules and service are still all in place. He regularly comes into my room to check on me or to just share a kiss and say "hi", he also comes in to check to make sure my drink isn't empty and if it is he takes it and refills it, if I want him for anything else I yell across the hall or phone him or put a note to him in my leather family's IRC room that we're both in all the time... whatever so that he knows I want him, if he has a question regarding something I care about (like if we're going to his mom's what day because she called or emailed to ask) he pops in and asks me...

...stuff like that.

He's always within our rules and expectations, but he spends hours and hours each week chilling out and doing his own thing and having fun with or without me.



NiceButMeanGirl -> RE: Submissives interests/hobbies (1/8/2013 4:17:00 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Steadygoing
So I suppose my question is, how are the subs other interests taken into account in a D/s relationship. Obviously you would talk about these sort of things with a partner to know more specifics, but a general feel; are they included in the D/s dynamic? Or are they left separate so the sub has their outlet/downtime?

I am not going to ask someone to give up his outside interests to be in a dynamic with me. I want to be with a person for who he is and his outside interests are a part of who he is. They make him a well-rounded person and that's the kind of person I want to be with. Plus I want my partner to be happy & not resentful, so his outside activities stay. I'm not in a 24/7 dynamic so others' answers may vary from mine.

NBMG



Blankpain -> RE: Submissives interests/hobbies (1/8/2013 5:05:50 PM)

I treat a sub the same as I treat anyone else in a relationship.



Pyramus -> RE: Submissives interests/hobbies (1/8/2013 5:36:56 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: theRose4U

The easy answer is it depends on the dominant.


That!



VioletViolence -> RE: Submissives interests/hobbies (1/9/2013 2:15:01 PM)

I actually couldn't conceive of having a relationship with someone and requiring them to give up their interests and hobbies. If something's destructive, then that's one thing, but I'm assuming we're not discussing going to the bar or casino every night. I'm quite baffled in fact by the subs who approach me and act as though they're a blank slate for me to turn into whomever I want. Not only does that seem like just soooo much work, but no matter how submissive someone is, if they've never gardened before because they hate the dirt, the hard work and being out in the blazing sun or pouring rain because you have no choice but to pull weeds that day, they're not suddenly going to be overjoyed to learn that I dream of having my own hobby farm one day. And you can bet your bippy that any sub of mine will be getting up at the crack of dawn with me to feed the cows. But I (and I believe the majority of other Dom/mes) am looking for a good, solid, vanilla foundation whereupon we can build a D/s relationship that works for both of us.



theRose4U -> RE: Submissives interests/hobbies (1/9/2013 7:28:19 PM)

By what logic do you reach this conclusion?
quote:

ORIGINAL: NocturnalStalker


quote:

ORIGINAL: Steadygoing

Basically I've been thinking recently about what a relationship with a dominant woman would be like and how, from what I've read, it entails them having the final say in matters in the relationship. I then got to thinking about all the things I want for myself and I'm not sure how much I'd be able to cope without having them. Giving so much attention and effort to please another person is draining in and of itself, but when you may not have anything for yourself other than that it would probably become quite hard to deal with for me.

So I suppose my question is, how are the subs other interests taken into account in a D/s relationship. Obviously you would talk about these sort of things with a partner to know more specifics, but a general feel; are they included in the D/s dynamic? Or are they left separate so the sub has their outlet/downtime?


Once you're in a monogamous relationship, you, as the male, cease having individual interests.






NiceButMeanGirl -> RE: Submissives interests/hobbies (1/10/2013 12:57:34 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: NocturnalStalker
Once you're in a monogamous relationship, you, as the male, cease having individual interests.

Not always. Even when I was vanilla years ago, my then husband had plenty of time to pursue his individual interests without me.

NBMG



JeffBC -> RE: Submissives interests/hobbies (1/10/2013 7:54:38 AM)

Male dom here but I don't believe that's relevant for this question

quote:

ORIGINAL: Steadygoing
I then got to thinking about all the things I want for myself and I'm not sure how much I'd be able to cope without having them.

Why would you need to?

Giving so much attention and effort to please another person is draining in and of itself
How do you know that? Have you ever been in such a relationship? Carol does not find it "draining" to be herself. She finds it much more draining to try to occupy my role in the relationship.

but when you may not have anything for yourself other than that it would probably become quite hard to deal with for me.
Well yeah... you and the rest of humanity. Here's a little tip. NOBODY lives for someone else. Despite all the over-the-top hyperbole you read on the internet, submissives and even slaves are actual human beings with the normal panoply of human needs, desires, wants, etc. Also like everyone else, they get testy if those needs/desires/whatever are starved.

So I suppose my question is, how are the subs other interests taken into account in a D/s relationship.
For us? I can make it really simple. Me, the guy in charge, loves her -- a lot. Care to guess what percentage of my attention and commands are focused on her benefit rather than mine?



Steadygoing -> RE: Submissives interests/hobbies (1/11/2013 2:15:46 PM)

quote:


Giving so much attention and effort to please another person is draining in and of itself
How do you know that? Have you ever been in such a relationship? Carol does not find it "draining" to be herself. She finds it much more draining to try to occupy my role in the relationship.


I have not and I suppose it was speculation and extrapolation from other times I've done things to please others. There are times it's more worthwhile which are when you know it makes the other person happier or eases their burden. However, there are also times you doubt the worth of your effort (at least in my case). I guess that depends on how much them being happy means to you, which would mean more in terms of a really close relationship and how much you think you did for them.

Sure it probably would be more draining for me to fulfil a dominant role, but I'm not entirely sure whether being submissive means that fulfilling the dominants wishes isn't draining in any sense though.

Without experience of it over a long period of time I can't really say any more though.

quote:


but when you may not have anything for yourself other than that it would probably become quite hard to deal with for me.
Well yeah... you and the rest of humanity. Here's a little tip. NOBODY lives for someone else. Despite all the over-the-top hyperbole you read on the internet, submissives and even slaves are actual human beings with the normal panoply of human needs, desires, wants, etc. Also like everyone else, they get testy if those needs/desires/whatever are starved.


I didn't expect people to want to live for somebody else. I was just trying to make my point about needing other outlets and wanted to know how they were dealt with in D/s relationships. Many of the responses I've had including yours seem promising and akin to what I expected.



Page: [1]

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.046875