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From one extreme to not really another...? - 2/5/2013 4:12:30 PM   
alhamdullilah


Posts: 81
Joined: 2/18/2010
Status: offline 		I've always been an extremist in many respects and an extreme lifestyle is where I cut my teeth, so to speak, in my entry into the general culture of D/s, M/s, etc/s... lol. I was invited into the Gorean lifestyle online by the most wonderful Teacher whose passing still aches and trained offline by my previous Master for whom I still have much respect as a Gorean Man. While our relationship became dysfunctional in other ways, as Master/slave I would say we were pretty hardcore... and mean it in a good way.

Now, the LAST thing I want is to say anything that might remotely be interpreted as a criticism of my current Dom. If anything, I've always believed it to be my responsibility to adapt to His preferred lifestyle, not that we've entirely had the opportunity to pursue that or for me to come to understand precisely what that might be. Yet, as time passes, I'm beginning to recognize that it probably isn't nearly so extreme as I learned to be accustomed to living.

Big deal, right? Learn what He wants, learn to anticipate His needs and desires... I used to teach this. It shouldn't be an issue. Part of the problem is that I've been far removed from the culture in general for a while now and it's hard to return to, especially without the kink. Judge me at will. But I want the hardcore. I know He wants to be anticipated, obeyed and not have to Dom on a regular basis, but rather have it understood, as it should be, that He is the Man in charge and I am the woman at His feet - whether physically or metaphorically. I've got these damned cravings, though! I don't want to lose Him. He's amazing and amazing with my kids. I can't afford to be the manipulative little disobedient slut trying to get Dommed and don't want anything to do with that kind of game playing. I also don't want to be misunderstood when I try to express what I'm feeling (which I have) and have Him think I'm saying I need or want more Dominance out of Him... even if I guess I do, but not because I think He is doing it wrong. Rather, I have these cravings and I don't like to scene, if you'll appreciate my meaning. I want the harshness and brutality to be beyond my control and as real as it gets. I've even shown Him the videos I've started watching to get my kink fill. I just don't seem to be getting through. He isn't one to miss a hint, very bright, so I can't help but think it may not be His cup of tea.

So, the question is either how to get through to Him in the off-chance He'd enjoy the same lifestyle I would OR how do I get rid of these cravings for the extreme? ---- Any advice would be appreciated with the utmost respect and gratitude.

_____________________________

At any given time, it would seem that what's on my mind is heavier on one side than on the other, entirely explaining my mental imbalance.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: From one extreme to not really another...? - 2/5/2013 4:57:51 PM   
TenderTorment


Posts: 304
Joined: 12/30/2012
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline
quote:

So, the question is either how to get through to Him in the off-chance He'd enjoy the same lifestyle I would OR how do I get rid of these cravings for the extreme? ---- Any advice would be appreciated with the utmost respect and gratitude.


If you take away all the thrills spills and kink it basically comes down to communication, he hasn't responded to hints so the only way to address this with him is to sit him down and explain how you feel just the way you explained it here and then hopefully find some common ground. As for how you would get rid of these cravings for the extreme I have no clue on that, if they are as strong as you make them sound then maybe they are just a part of your integral being and as such getting rid of them may prove impossible as they will remove a part of you that you don't sound ready to let go of yet. I wish you luck.

(in reply to alhamdullilah)
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RE: From one extreme to not really another...? - 2/5/2013 5:13:06 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		Well, it all comes down to deciding what you can live with and what you can't. If he is amazing and amazing with your children, how important is that? Is it more important than the hardcore stuff you crave. If the hardcore stuff is more important in a relationship with you, then you aren't ever going to be happy without it. Only you can make that decision. If not wanting to lose him is the priority and he doesn't want to do the things you crave, then you simply set your mind to living without it, or you let him go and find someone who will give you what you desire.

At the end of the day, you are both in the relationship and both need to have your needs met. Thinking that yours are less important (especially when you feel you need to watch porn to get your "fix") will never lead to a successful relationship.

(in reply to alhamdullilah)
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RE: From one extreme to not really another...? - 2/5/2013 5:15:51 PM   
ARIES83


Posts: 3648
Status: offline 		So, you have talked about this with him?


_____________________________

530 DAYS

(in reply to TenderTorment)
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RE: From one extreme to not really another...? - 2/5/2013 5:24:15 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Good to see you posting here again!

PM sent.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to ARIES83)
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RE: From one extreme to not really another...? - 2/5/2013 5:45:16 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

I want the harshness and brutality to be beyond my control and as real as it gets. I've even shown Him the videos I've started watching to get my kink fill. I just don't seem to be getting through. He isn't one to miss a hint, very bright, so I can't help but think it may not be His cup of tea.


It's not his cup of tea. The bolded part is why. You need to do him a favor (or at least show him some respect) and tell him the truth.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to alhamdullilah)
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RE: From one extreme to not really another...? - 2/5/2013 8:49:38 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		show him this thread.

If he doesn't want to do that then you have a couple choices.....ask him if you can play outside your relationship, ask yourself how much do you love him and want to stay with him and put your cravings aside or leave him and find someone more to your liking.

If you decide to quell your cravings then some ways of going about it are getting some hobbies, go out with friends, work, keep your life busy. Eventually you won't even notice the cravings. Over time they just disappear, at least they did with me. I get a craving once in awhile for something but I just tell Master and he decides what to do. But overall in general, I don't have them anymore. Could be I've just gotten older and I don't need the same things I did in my past. If you're young I would say it's probably your hormones talking and that's pretty normal.

Good luck.


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to alhamdullilah)
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RE: From one extrem""e to not really another...? - 2/6/2013 1:51:59 PM   
alhamdullilah


Posts: 81
Joined: 2/18/2010
Status: offline 		First, my gratitude for all the thoughtful replies. I have tried to address this issue with Him. He isn't a "talker", as in particularly open with His thoughts and feelings - sometimes that seems the quintessential opposite of me but then, that would be true in most aspects of our personalities, quite logically. What bothers me about sharing this thread with Him... what bothers me about being too direct, in general, is that I don't want it received as criticism. Can you imagine if I showed Him the thread AND it was received as critical? That would be doubly bad.

I really appreciate the input. Some of it was a wee bit painful to swallow but all of it has been a benefit to receive. It's true... what if it really isn't His cup of tea? I tried giving up my sexual predisposition fantasies before I ever learned there were others like me and I lost my sex drive altogether. That wouldn't be too good for the relationship either. So far, I fear it's been leaning that way already for that very reason. My Dom is the real McCoy, so to speak, a natural. What I am is rather unnatural, if you know what I mean - it goes beyond the natural and into the realm of twisted, not unlike many others here, no doubt. What if I'm too unnatural? Of course, I'd choose Him but would that indeed kill a part of me that would make me then less appealing to Him if only in the respect that my libido was substantially reduced? It's rather a conundrum. I'm certain there's something more I should be doing to resolve the matter.

Again, thanks so very much for all the good input!!

_____________________________

At any given time, it would seem that what's on my mind is heavier on one side than on the other, entirely explaining my mental imbalance.

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: From one extrem""e to not really another...? - 2/6/2013 4:28:11 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		Was this man aware of this "unnatural" (your words) side of you from the beginning? Didn't you discuss each of your wants/needs/expectations as you were starting down the road to a relationship? This is what is a bit confusing to me....you are a "newbie" who hasn't been in D/s relationships in the past, you aren't some youngin' who doesn't know how to speak her mind.

Your fear that he would take this thread or you talking about what is missing as "critical" is telling to me. It means you do have some communication issues, completely unrelated to his not being a "talker." You have fear of talking to him about things he might take the wrong way.

Well, certainly if you approach him with, "Why the hell aren't you dragging me around by my hair, punishing me all the time, etc." he is going to take it as critical. However, if you approach it with, "I have this need I think we should discuss," well, that is a bit different. I'm still confused as to why you wouldn't have mentioned this part of your desires in the beginning, in which case he would be aware of them and that is your "way in" to the conversation, because then you could remind him of the discussion in the beginning.

I have to say though, it doesn't sound like this has much of a promising future from you have said.

(in reply to alhamdullilah)
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RE: From one extrem""e to not really another...? - 2/6/2013 4:30:22 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		If you can't honestly talk to him and show him this thread then I would say you two have much more serious issues. You two need to sit down and talk one on one about where your relationship is headed, what you both need, what you both might feel is missing. Why would you want to be with someone you can't even talk to or even just show him something as simple as a thread on here? You might want to really think about this question.



_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to alhamdullilah)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: From one extrem""e to not really another...? - 2/6/2013 5:06:15 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: alhamdullilah
First, my gratitude for all the thoughtful replies. I have tried to address this issue with Him. He isn't a "talker", as in particularly open with His thoughts and feelings - sometimes that seems the quintessential opposite of me but then, that would be true in most aspects of our personalities, quite logically. What bothers me about sharing this thread with Him... what bothers me about being too direct, in general, is that I don't want it received as criticism. Can you imagine if I showed Him the thread AND it was received as critical? That would be doubly bad.

I am, quite obviously, not your master. But still, I'd like to at least give you some insight into how I perceive such things. I'm doing this not to say I'm right but because the way you're prioritizing things isn't the only way. If your master thinks more like I do then you're making a serious mistake. So it's at least a point worth pondering... wrong as it may be.

If Carol is giving me feedback and that feedback involves "room for improvement" on my part I don't like that anymore than the next guy. But I like to claim I have a fair amount of self-discipline and self-awareness. So I kind of feel obligated to at least try to ... you know... be an adult.

If, on the other hand, I were to find out that Carol withheld such information from me my hurt and rage both would be over the top. Without a doubt it'd cost her the collar. That's a given since she clearly has little to no trust or respect for me. In addition, she has apparently decided to start running the marriage how she wants to run it rather than let me run it. Clearly any sort of anything I'd call "enslavement" is long, long gone. She's making her own decisions now. The next question in my mind would be whether to divorce her or not for the dishonesty. I doubt I would on a first offense but you can bet she wouldn't even dream of repeating the performance after the very short discussion we'd be having about it.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to alhamdullilah)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: From one extrem""e to not really another...? - 2/6/2013 5:27:49 PM   
ARIES83


Posts: 3648
Status: offline 		I sympathise, but don't you think that by
seeking to orchestrate things to achieve your
desired outcomes, rather than being open with
your Dom, your not really on the path to deeper
D/s?

You might want more in the bedroom, but at the
end of the day all that really is, is rough, forceful
type sexual play.

So, as vulnerable a position as it may be... You
probably haven't got any real option other than
being open and honest about your feelings.

And if it turns out he's not interested in doing
the stuff you want, I guess you can take it from
there, but I don't recommend trying to get your
way by any means other than asking your Dom.

_____________________________

530 DAYS

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: From one extrem""e to not really another...? - 2/6/2013 10:04:18 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC
That's a given since she clearly has little to no trust or respect for me. In addition, she has apparently decided to start running the marriage how she wants to run it rather than let me run it. Clearly any sort of anything I'd call "enslavement" is long, long gone.



You know, every time I read your posts I feel like I can hear Master's lectures in my head when he gets annoyed with me and he needs to give me a "reminder".


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: From one extreme to not really another...? - 2/7/2013 9:39:55 AM   
subsfaith


Posts: 297
Joined: 11/21/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: alhamdullilah
So, the question is either how to get through to Him in the off-chance He'd enjoy the same lifestyle I would OR how do I get rid of these cravings for the extreme? ---- Any advice would be appreciated with the utmost respect and gratitude.


We cannot change others, we can only change how we react to others.... so in short, if he doesn't want what you want, then it isn't going to happen. If that is the case then I would suggest that you change your mind, tell yourself that you don't want it. Fake it until you make it baby!! With practice you can do this to the point where you will genuinely not want x,y and z anymore.

On a side note, we can be very clear with what we want without exerting control. "I want/I would like" lets him know exactly what you want. From there is it completely his choice. The plus side to this is it is human nature to want to please the person and people we love so be sure you tell him what it is that you want, just in case he has the urge to please you :D


(in reply to alhamdullilah)
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RE: From one extrem""e to not really another...? - 2/7/2013 10:06:28 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
You know, every time I read your posts I feel like I can hear Master's lectures in my head when he gets annoyed with me and he needs to give me a "reminder".

I often feel like you two and Carol and I are singing off the same hymnal in a lot of areas. Yeah, I can't imagine Kana being very pleased with you for "serving him" in this way.


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: From one extreme to not really another...? - 2/7/2013 10:10:45 AM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subsfaith



We cannot change others, we can only change how we react to others.... so in short, if he doesn't want what you want, then it isn't going to happen. If that is the case then I would suggest that you change your mind, tell yourself that you don't want it. Fake it until you make it baby!! With practice you can do this to the point where you will genuinely not want x,y and z anymore.




If that were the case, people could simply tell themselves over and over again that they don't want to be involved in BDSM, homosexuality, or whatever. Ridiculous.

(in reply to subsfaith)
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RE: From one extreme to not really another...? - 2/7/2013 10:38:51 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady
If that were the case, people could simply tell themselves over and over again that they don't want to be involved in BDSM, homosexuality, or whatever. Ridiculous.

Not entirely ridiculous. You are assuming that everyone must necessarily be as dedicated to BDSM as you are. It just isn't so. Like a lot of things there'll be those who are in the "take it or leave it" category (me for instance). Ditto with homosexuality.... we call those people "bisexuals".

In the case of the OP though I doubt it's possible. There is a HUGE fantasy itch that needs to be scratched and I doubt much reality is going to enter the picture until it has been. I think she's going to need to come to some resolution about looking back fondly on dysfunctional relationships.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: From one extreme to not really another...? - 2/7/2013 12:32:37 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady
If that were the case, people could simply tell themselves over and over again that they don't want to be involved in BDSM, homosexuality, or whatever. Ridiculous.

Not entirely ridiculous. You are assuming that everyone must necessarily be as dedicated to BDSM as you are. It just isn't so. Like a lot of things there'll be those who are in the "take it or leave it" category (me for instance). Ditto with homosexuality.... we call those people "bisexuals".

In the case of the OP though I doubt it's possible. There is a HUGE fantasy itch that needs to be scratched and I doubt much reality is going to enter the picture until it has been. I think she's going to need to come to some resolution about looking back fondly on dysfunctional relationships.


Wow, what a ridiculous assumption. I am in the "take it or leave it" category, and quite frankly, the relationship itself takes precedence over any kink.

As for your comment about homosexuality/bisexuality, you seem to be grossly ill informed there as well. They are two completely different things.

The point I was making is that if someone could simply just keep telling themselves they don't want something and eventually it would be true, many people would have done that with other things. I used homosexuality basically because knowing that it is something one is born with, not by choice, all the self convincing in the world isn't going to make it go away.

As for the OP having a "fantasy itch," well...again, you seem to not be understanding her post. Her previous relationships had that component, so it isn't a "fantasy," it is what she likes. You saying she simply needs to look back "fondly" at dysfunctional relationships is offensive.

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: From one extreme to not really another...? - 2/7/2013 6:26:01 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I have to say, I've convinced myself of things by the fake it to make it way. I used to be like the op. I craved harder and rougher and painful after the breakup with the ex Dom. Over time I told myself I didn't need it and eventually I didn't. Unfortunately, now I've convinced myself so well that now I have to convince myself back to the first headspace.

I have also used it to convince myself to be confident in the workplace since I'm normally not. I've also used it to tell myself that I knew how to do something even though I didn't and eventually by pretending to know how to do something, I learned how to do that issue very well.

So yeah, I think this can work for some people. But some people are not able to do this for whatever reason.


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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Profile   Post #: 19
RE: From one extreme to not really another...? - 2/7/2013 6:53:12 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		And that was my point. There are some things it will work for, and some things it simply won't.


(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 20
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