when do you start to submit?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

when do you start to submit?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> when do you start to submit?

Page: [1]

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

when do you start to submit? - 11/8/2004 8:36:05 PM

newbbwsub

Posts: 3
Joined: 11/4/2004
Status: offline

hi everyone,
i am new to the site and to bdsm. my question is when do you start to "submit" to a potential dom/master?

i have exchanged a few messages with people from other sites and right away they were ordering me to do things. for the most part they were simple requests, but nonetheless surprised me. i want to get to know the person a bit first before we begin any D/s. how does this usually work? is there bdsm correspondence etiquette?

thanks in advance for your help.

Post #: 1

RE: when do you start to submit? - 11/8/2004 8:42:50 PM

cariad

Posts: 943
Joined: 9/25/2004
From: Calgary, Alberta
Status: offline

to get to know a Dom/Domme the first thing is to not be afraid to ask questions....IE: how long have they been in the lifestyle? do they have references? (most will be willing to give references), what do they want from a slave? things like this.

talking and getting out to local get togethers with like minded people in your community would be a good way to start. always address them as Sir/Ma'am unless told other wise, other than that DO NOT let yourself be used as a door mat.

_____________________________

The Path To Being A Good slave Takes Hard Work, A Willingness To Learn, Ability To Take Criticism and the Ability To Take Punishments Well. i Am Still Learning So Please Be Patient With me, As i Walk the Path to Being A good slave. SLRN: 742 958 000

(in reply to newbbwsub)

Post #: 2

RE: when do you start to submit? - 11/8/2004 10:33:20 PM

perverseangelic

Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cariadalways address them as Sir/Ma'am unless told other wise,

I have to disagree with this bit. I believe that in speaking to someone new, one should not give titles. One should only give those titles once power exhange has been negotiated.

My reasoning?
I am not submissive to everyone. I am submissive to the person with whom I have negotiated submission. Even before I was with my partner I chose to reserve titles of respect for those who either earned my respect through their behavior, or with whom I had negotiated power exchange.

I believe that one should be polite and repsectful to all people regardless of role, and that titles are something that is reserved for one's own dominant partner. I don't think it's a bad thing to simply -talk- to someone, politely of course, but as a human being. I feel one is better able to get to know the person behind the dominant persona when one is not caught in one's own submission.

After one has become someone's property, one of course follows the rules of one's owner.

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to cariad)

Post #: 3

RE: when do you start to submit? - 11/9/2004 12:14:14 AM

EStrict

Posts: 729
Joined: 1/11/2004
Status: offline

I understand where you are coming from. Of course, I always classify myself as a slave, not a submissive :)

The month I met Master for the first time in person (we had been speaking for several months as friends, but had only decided within a week or so of this to meet and consider more), I also had plans to meet 3 other people.

When I met Master the first time, I knew he was someone I could serve happily for the rest of my life. *However* I had made promises to *meet* others (some of whom where flying to meet me, and ALL of whom were aware that I was speaking to the others), and I felt I should not agree to serve him without meeting the others.

I have mentioned in the past I had very specific personal guidelines considering my personal views on being a slave were that my *goal* was to find a master I was able to serve to the best of my being that I liked and respected, and who understood my own personal beliefs that my children and family were something that was not something I as a person could or would give up in any manner.

When I met Ross for the first time in person, there was little doubt there was nothing more that I could ever need to be able to be myself in every way possible. :laughing:: I STILL smile at how much he made me shiver from our first meeting and how easily he makes me shiver every day, be it from just the most simple look or touch...

But,,,, Master is a man of his word. And though we *knew* from the go,, he INSISTED I meet the others I had planned to meet. He wanted me to be *sure* in all ways, and to never have those doubts others have about what *could have been*.

I am not going to go into the specifics of the other meetings,,, the only thing I will say is that I was honest with the others and true to both Master and myself since in my heart I had committed already to serve (even though I was not in love with him on a conscious level at the time).

My own personal opinion is that you don't submit until you are sure your heart (or at least your most full self) is in it....

_____________________________

Sandy

Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive anyway...

(in reply to perverseangelic)

Post #: 4

RE: when do you start to submit? - 11/9/2004 1:30:22 AM

Suleiman

Posts: 1127
Joined: 9/9/2004
Status: offline

I have always been of the opinion that I submit to whom I choose, and that until such has been clearly negotiated and safewords exchanged, they have no more right to order me around than any other pedestrian on the street. Different groups have different protocols, but for the most part, some variation of this seems to be a common theme.

I will note as an aside that there are any number of online 'masterlorddomlydom' sorts who have no real experience outside of chatrooms and email, who frequently and brazenly attempt to order around any submissive they meet. They are frequently referred to as 'trolls' or 'HNGs' (Horny Net Geeks) and a great many disparaging comments about them can be found by running a search for these two terms on this website.

Obviously, in some instances the dom in question might simply be 'testing the waters', especially if the first command comes after one or two private messages. This may be normal for whatever community they were brought into, or it may be that they simply believe that this is how to begin such a relationship - somewhat like the act of pretending to yawn in order to casually put one's arm around a date. Not being in your specific situation, I can not really say, but I do try to put a charitable spin on such behaviors, especially when I do not know all of the relevant facts.

You might want to respectfully point out that your relationship with them has not progressed to the point of giving and recieving orders (rather than my somewhat brusque and tactless approach of looking them in the eye, pointing to my bare neck, and demanding if they see a collar there - which does, it seems, offend some people. Alas, my real-world social skills, in comparison to my ability to socialize online, are rather limited by my inability to go back and edit a response). If they do not respond well to this gentle rebuke, as some will not, then you know that this person is probably not the dominant you want in your life (unless, of course, this sort of trollish behavior appeals to you. However, from the timbre of your initial post, I would think that you find it somewhat bothersome).

_____________________________

Think of my verbosity as a sort of litmus test for our relationship. I write in a manner identical to how I speak and how I think. If you can not cope with what I have written here, it is probably for the best if we go our separate ways.

(in reply to newbbwsub)

Post #: 5

RE: when do you start to submit? - 11/9/2004 8:17:45 AM

subbiejenn

Posts: 631
Joined: 7/12/2004
Status: offline

seconds Suleiman's post

i was thinking same thing and He is so much better at explaining then i am *grins*

_____________________________

~Subspace is my perfect paradise vacation from busy-mind... blessed be to the Dominant who can stamp my ticket there.~

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away"

(in reply to Suleiman)

Post #: 6

RE: when do you start to submit? - 11/9/2004 12:00:17 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I have to agree with Sandy's post

quote:

My own personal opinion is that you don't submit until you are sure your heart (or at least your most full self) is in it....

This varies from individual to individual. Those people giving you orders you didn't feel right about you don't submit to.
You do it only when you feel right about it inside. Not when someone tells you that you feel right. Or when someone tries to bully you into it.
They don't know you or how you feel deep within yourself. What emotions or anything else you are thinking about. Until someone does, they have no right to tell you what to do before you are comfortable.

I'm quite sure many will tell you there is etiquette. Personally I cannot see how their is a universal etiquette. Especially when you are on the boards here reading them. We can't even all agree on what a BDSM relationship means to us as a whole. We all are different. We all have different thoughts. There is nothing wrong with that. Diversity makes us strong in my opinion. The strength to believe in yourself.

Just follow your heart. It won't lead you down the wrong path.

(in reply to newbbwsub)

Post #: 7

RE: when do you start to submit? - 11/10/2004 2:47:51 PM

newbbwsub

Posts: 3
Joined: 11/4/2004
Status: offline

thank you all for your comments. it seems that there is not a right answer, everything is relative to your personal situation. therefore, i will do what feels comfortable for me. i was just worried about "breaking the rules".

thanks again.

(in reply to sub4hire)

Post #: 8

RE: when do you start to submit? - 11/10/2004 7:26:50 PM

Suleiman

Posts: 1127
Joined: 9/9/2004
Status: offline

The only "Rules" you need worry about are those agreed upon between yourself and your dominant.

Be safe, be happy, be good - or if not, then at least get yourself punished for it.

_____________________________

Think of my verbosity as a sort of litmus test for our relationship. I write in a manner identical to how I speak and how I think. If you can not cope with what I have written here, it is probably for the best if we go our separate ways.

(in reply to newbbwsub)

Post #: 9

RE: when do you start to submit? - 11/11/2004 8:31:27 AM

IndySubPrincess

Posts: 34
Joined: 7/23/2004
From: Indiana
Status: offline

Hmm... Good question. I don't start to submit until I have met the person, generally. There have been one or two exceptions, but not many. I hate to submit to someone who is not there to touch me, to really correct me. Phone and Online is just not personal enough. That's my own personal opinion. Some people have no problem with online only or online/phone only relationships, and more power to them if it satisfies their need. It doesn't satisfy mine.

:)
YoungLady/IndySubPrincess

_____________________________

My names are many, yet know that by all names I am the same.

(in reply to newbbwsub)

Post #: 10

RE: when do you start to submit? - 12/5/2004 2:28:19 AM

Wolfsbabygirlz

Posts: 37
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline

greetings to ya!! ....I totally relate to you on being ordered to do things before knowing even if this is the right Dom for you. I just pay my respects and move on because if they are doing this already thats my clue thats not how I work and want to submit to. Ive had too many Doms who right away think it's their right to think im thier sub to do as im told. I like to take the time to explore if it'll be a match or not. And I am proud and most honored to say i've met such a Dom who thinks the same way, am currently under collar of consideration. He's one in a million, very glad I didnt just give in to those Doms who wanted to jump right in before knowing anything about me. In my eyes, well thats just wrong, & presumptious of them. who wants that.
Wolfsbabygirlz =)

(in reply to newbbwsub)

Post #: 11

RE: when do you start to submit? - 12/5/2004 8:19:23 PM

faithNZ

Posts: 82
Joined: 11/28/2004
From: New Zealand
Status: offline

At the moment, i am currently starting to get involved with a fellow that i know is into D/s. He has asked me if i feel that i could truly submit to anyone and i told him that if i felt that they were, or were going to be, my husband/partner, then yes, i could. Other than that, i will not tolerate someone bossing me around for the sake of it. That is how i see things in D/s for me - i'm picky about who i get involved with, be it a vanilla relationship or kinky.

(in reply to Wolfsbabygirlz)

Post #: 12

RE: when do you start to submit? - 12/6/2004 3:32:20 AM

theroebabe

Posts: 3155
Joined: 7/25/2004
Status: offline

To me, anyone who starts with orders without knowing if we mesh as people is not someone i will obey, it is bad manners and not what i am seeking. Yet i am sure others need it to start the process. So it depends.

If it makes you uncomfortable then say so, you have not agreed to submit to them yet and a lot of players do not know any better or assume as you are a sub you will obey and i learned the hard way that is NOT a good idea unless you want to submit to that person.

_____________________________

Roe

People always ask me why I do these things . . .
It's because I can!

(in reply to newbbwsub)

Post #: 13

RE: when do you start to submit? - 12/6/2004 10:32:13 AM

gurltrnr4u

Posts: 1
Joined: 11/17/2004
Status: offline

I agree. If a Dom is good then they will become that as time goes on. It is always the way. I have force feminized many and we always begin with talk and chat. As I get to know thm I begin to formulate their training. That is how I operate anyways.

(in reply to perverseangelic)

Post #: 14

RE: when do you start to submit? - 12/6/2004 6:19:33 PM

Malkinius

Posts: 1814
Joined: 1/9/2004
Status: offline

Greetings...

I usually tell people to assume that the more demanding or controlling someone starts out online, the less they are that way in reality. The more someone proclaims how dominant and masterly they are and who add fanciful titles keep turning out to be just the opposite. A real dominant doesn't need to do that. They are confident in themselves and can relax and let things take time to happen, or not.

As for when you start to submit? If the Master is really good, you will be submitting to him before you realize it is happening. He is and you do. With some people, as mentioned above, something just clicks right away. If this happens, great. Run with it and make the most of it. Most relationships need time to develop and mature. Think of what you are doing as preparing and guarding yourself for the one who you will eventually submit to. Protect what will be theirs. Don't feel bad about not obeying the HNG's who will badger any new sub/slave they find online. You can still be respectful in how you tell them to get lost and get a life. <grins>

Be well....

Malkinius

(in reply to gurltrnr4u)

Post #: 15

RE: when do you start to submit? - 12/6/2004 8:58:20 PM

juicycute

Posts: 42
Joined: 10/6/2004
From: Hemet, CA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Malkinius

Greetings...

I usually tell people to assume that the more demanding or controlling someone starts out online, the less they are that way in reality. The more someone proclaims how dominant and masterly they are and who add fanciful titles keep turning out to be just the opposite. A real dominant doesn't need to do that. They are confident in themselves and can relax and let things take time to happen, or not.

As for when you start to submit? If the Master is really good, you will be submitting to him before you realize it is happening. He is and you do. With some people, as mentioned above, something just clicks right away. If this happens, great. Run with it and make the most of it. Most relationships need time to develop and mature. Think of what you are doing as preparing and guarding yourself for the one who you will eventually submit to. Protect what will be theirs. Don't feel bad about not obeying the HNG's who will badger any new sub/slave they find online. You can still be respectful in how you tell them to get lost and get a life. <grins>

Be well....

Malkinius

This is how it was with Master and i. Truly, i can not pinpoint when it was that i realized that i had begun submitting to Him, other than after we met in person. He did not *need* to demand anything of me, i simply did it. He is very good at communicating with His presence and eyes.

When i met Him here on CM, we chatted as friends. i did not use a title for Him, and He did not require it. Before i knew what hit me, i realized He was exactly everything i had ever hoped to find in a person (Master, man or otherwise). He completes me, and that is what matters for us.

Respectful speech to you, as well as toward the Dom/Domme to whom you are speaking is all that should be required until you are better aquainted and have talked it over. Respect and titles are earned.

(in reply to Malkinius)

Post #: 16

RE: when do you start to submit? - 12/10/2004 11:33:06 AM

krikket

Posts: 1183
Joined: 11/17/2004
From: Washington, DC Metro Area
Status: offline

There are probably as many answers to this as there are people (kinky/nilla, etc.,) but i think the best advise you've received is to do whatever feels right to yourself inside. i have to look at myself in the mirror (at least every once in awhile..lol) and i'm not gonna like what i see if i've done anything to cheapen myself or done something i think is wrong for me. i agree that at least on line, the louder someone "speaks", the more demanding they are, the less likely they are to be that way in person. my late Master had my respect, admiration, and submission long before i was even aware of it. i just knew he was the one for me, and i never once regretted all that i gave.

Good luck in your search, and hope you have fun...

Happy Holidays y'all...

_____________________________

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom."

by A. Nin

When your heart speaks take good notes.

(in reply to juicycute)

Post #: 17

RE: when do you start to submit? - 12/10/2004 8:08:14 PM

Suleiman

Posts: 1127
Joined: 9/9/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Malkinius

Greetings...

The more someone proclaims how dominant and masterly they are and who add fanciful titles keep turning out to be just the opposite.

Gee, and here I'd been thinking for the last couple of months that my name didn't have as many fancy embellishments as everyone else, and no one was going to take me seriously as a dominant until I added a few more feathers to my cap (as a scholarly aside, 'macaroni' as taken in that context is actually an archaic word for nonsense, and has little or nothing to do with tasty noodles made with semolina).

Does this mean no one will take me seriously if I start calling myself "THE GOD BAAL-SULEIMAN, Overlord of the Short Pants and Knight of the Knikkerbokkers" ?

_____________________________

Think of my verbosity as a sort of litmus test for our relationship. I write in a manner identical to how I speak and how I think. If you can not cope with what I have written here, it is probably for the best if we go our separate ways.

(in reply to Malkinius)

Post #: 18

RE: when do you start to submit? - 12/11/2004 7:23:38 PM

DomButNotForgotn

Posts: 108
Joined: 6/2/2004
Status: offline

Interesting post, thanks for writing it!

I really think that, unless you are announcing that you will do immediate cyber, it is a pretty big breach of etiquette to start demanding subservient acts from a sub, lacking any real or bona fide relationship.

I'd rather do real time verbal control of a sub than cyber any day, but I have enjoyed teasing my sub on the phone, and deliberately arousing her verbally (or telling her to pinch her nipples as I s-l-o-w-l-y count to ten) , since we could not be together at that time. BUT, that was an established relationship. To do so otherwise is rude, in my opinion.

It really rubs me the wrong way when I think of Doms doing that. Tell 'em to buzz off, if you want. They are not acting like real Doms in my opinion.

You might want to check out some of the sites that have standard D/s contact info on them. They are very good guides.

I wish you the best!

Mark
Malden, MA

(in reply to Suleiman)

Post #: 19

RE: when do you start to submit? - 12/12/2004 2:39:01 PM

Malkinius

Posts: 1814
Joined: 1/9/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Does this mean no one will take me seriously if I start calling myself "THE GOD BAAL-SULEIMAN, Overlord of the Short Pants and Knight of the Knikkerbokkers" ?

greetings Suleiman...

Quite correct. Although, the real question is, does anyone take you seriously now? <grins>

be well...

Malkinius

(in reply to Suleiman)

Post #: 20

Page: [1]

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> when do you start to submit?

Page: [1]

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.094