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Trouble Identifying my role perhaps? - 2/20/2013 11:17:49 PM

Austin4619

Posts: 2
Joined: 8/6/2012
Status: offline

Began exploring BDSM with my girlfriend about 3 months ago. I have always been attracted to the submissive role with a big emphasis on oral servitude. Although as it turns out my ego doesn't seem to agree with my dick sometimes as I find it hard to submit, and in some cases are disgusted with myself afterwards or at just random points thinking to myself why on earth would I have these fetishes? I tried to analyze it myself, and when I was a child I watched quite a bit of pornography, mostly from sites like whipped ass, or Wired Pussy, etc, etc. That depicted a lesbian BDSM experience. So I would see a dominant female and a submissive one. And in my head I would think... Who do I want to be in this? Therefore I don't know what I want. Is this normal? Does everyone who is new to the lifestyle have doubts? Do they hate indulging in their deepest fantasies? Or is it just me, being a huge weird ass fuck-up like always? Am I even cut out for this shit? I try to live in a vanilla life while giving into my fantasies whenever I feel like it. Can anyone help me out? Answer even one question I have? Is it okay to only live the lifestyle in the bedroom, is that frowned upon? I'm afraid I'm just a tad bit frustrated with myself, and I'd just like to hear what other people would have to say.

Post #: 1

RE: Trouble Identifying my role perhaps? - 2/20/2013 11:33:14 PM

peppermint

Posts: 5172
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

Most people question themselves at one time or another during their lives. It's normal to not know what you want when you are 18. You need more experiences. May I suggest you find the nearst TNG group in your area. It's a group for young people. You might feel more comfortable meeting them and asking your questions in person to other young people

There are no hard and fast rules. If you want to keep it in the bedroom that is your business. If it works for you then it's perfectly fine. I would also suggest you stop trying to play a certain "role." Just being yourself works very well.

_____________________________

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(in reply to Austin4619)

Post #: 2

RE: Trouble Identifying my role perhaps? - 2/21/2013 12:14:06 AM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Austin4619

Began exploring BDSM with my girlfriend about 3 months ago. I have always been attracted to the submissive role with a big emphasis on oral servitude. Although as it turns out my ego doesn't seem to agree with my dick sometimes as I find it hard to submit, and in some cases are disgusted with myself afterwards or at just random points thinking to myself why on earth would I have these fetishes?

Ok, so your oral servitude is going down on your girl, but sometimes that isn't getting you as aroused as you think it should? Or is that when you thought about it, it was really hot and arousing, but the real thing, not so much? Because, the scenarios we create in our heads are more often than not so much more exciting than the real deal. Your fantasies don't have your mouth getting tired, or your arms going numb, her legs in the way...you get the picture, I'm sure.

What exactly is it that you are disgusted by? Is it the oral sex, or the idea that your girl is in the dominant position, "ordering" you to do it? If it is the oral sex itself, then maybe you simply don't enjoy it. While I don't know many 18 year olds that don't, it doesn't mean it is wrong. If you don't like it, you don't like it. If it is that your girlfriend is in control, well that could be that in reality you don't like being submissive, or it could be that because society tends to go with the "big, strong, male" thing, you are feeling bad for feeling different. If that is the case, it would be nice if I could tell you to stop feeling bad and it would stop, but it is a little more difficult than that, lol. However, the reality is the same...it is ok for you to feel different than "society" tells you to feel. As for the fetish part, well, I don't really consider oral sex all that much of a fetish.

quote:

I tried to analyze it myself, and when I was a child I watched quite a bit of pornography, mostly from sites like whipped ass, or Wired Pussy, etc, etc.

I don't mean to be rude, but when you say, "when I was a child," exactly what age are you talking about? I'm assuming you mean your teen years, which is normal in this day and age. It's also normal at that age for young boys to watch more "lesbian porn." This is what I have gathered from conversations with my son (who is a year older than you). For some reason, young boys are all about the pornography, but you aren't so interested in seeing naked guys, so you tend to go for the girl on girl stuff.

quote:

That depicted a lesbian BDSM experience. So I would see a dominant female and a submissive one. And in my head I would think... Who do I want to be in this? Therefore I don't know what I want. Is this normal? Does everyone who is new to the lifestyle have doubts? Do they hate indulging in their deepest fantasies? Or is it just me, being a huge weird ass fuck-up like always? Am I even cut out for this shit? I try to live in a vanilla life while giving into my fantasies whenever I feel like it. Can anyone help me out? Answer even one question I have? Is it okay to only live the lifestyle in the bedroom, is that frowned upon? I'm afraid I'm just a tad bit frustrated with myself, and I'd just like to hear what other people would have to say.

First things first. You are NOT a "huge weird ass fuck-up like always." I will even venture to say you never were. You are a young boy. I don't use "boy" to be rude, but seeing as you are a year younger than my son, and he is a "boy" too in my eyes, get the picture? You are young, this is the time to discover who you are, what you want, and how you want to get there. It is the time to experiment (with some responsibility) and find what you like and enjoy the ride of being an adult, but still young.

Now, who would "frown" on you being submissive only in the bedroom? There are no BDSM police that knock on your door and make sure you are following the rules in some BDSM handbook. As long as you and your partner are happy with how things work, you can be submissive only in the bedroom, only in the kitchen, where ever you want, so don't worry about it. There is no right and wrong to this (although some ass hats who ARE huge weird ass fuck-ups will try to tell you there is only one way..ignore them and laugh behind their back).

I hope this has answered some of your questions and made you feel a little better about the journey you have started taking. As peppermint said, be yourself. As long as you are true to yourself, then you will be fine.

(in reply to Austin4619)

Post #: 3

RE: Trouble Identifying my role perhaps? - 2/21/2013 12:38:59 AM

TNDommeK

Posts: 7153
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline

Hey cutie! Listen you have a world of time to experiment and see what you like, what you want, etc. You have gotten some great advice here. I so agree with you looking for a TNG group in your area. It's "the next generation" meaning ppl around your age. They have feelings and questions just like you. And some have answers for them as well. But be you. Don't worry about what society tells you should be right. So long as you aren't harming anyone or anything, go for it. Good luck!

P.S. I see your shirt in your profile pic! B.D.M. Rules!

< Message edited by TNDommeK -- 2/21/2013 12:41:02 AM >

_____________________________

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(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Post #: 4

RE: Trouble Identifying my role perhaps? - 2/21/2013 12:53:31 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Fella, you're only 18. When I was your age, I didn't even know that kink EXISTED.

It doesn't matter whether this is normal or not. Chart your own path and see what works for you.

And some people end up switches, and some end up changing from Dom/me to sub or vice versa later in life. So you're not doomed to fulfill a single role the rest of your life.

Go forth and find yourself, and have fun doing it.

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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(in reply to TNDommeK)

Post #: 5

RE: Trouble Identifying my role perhaps? - 2/21/2013 1:03:44 AM

JustDragonflies

Posts: 50
Joined: 3/30/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

There are no BDSM police that knock on your door and make sure you are following the rules in some BDSM handbook. As long as you and your partner are happy with how things work, you can be submissive only in the bedroom, only in the kitchen, where ever you want, so don't worry about it. There is no right and wrong to this (although some ass hats who ARE huge weird ass fuck-ups will try to tell you there is only one way..ignore them and laugh behind their back).

Great beginner advice, but the last line takes it to superb!

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Post #: 6

RE: Trouble Identifying my role perhaps? - 2/21/2013 1:47:18 AM

Muttling

Posts: 1612
Joined: 9/30/2007
Status: offline

I wish I had some sage advice that would give you clear answers, but that doesn't exist my friend.

As was mentioned above, your age means you have only a few years of experience in vanilla sexuality and your feelings towards kink makes it all the more complex as male submissive isn't an aspect that is openly mentioned....much less discussed or easily accepted in the vanilla world.

Just know that you're not alone and there are others who have been where you are now. We muddled our way through it and found that we could be vanilla strong while being kinky submissive at the same time.

Contact me if you want to talk, but know that it will only be on line talk with someone who understands.

(in reply to JustDragonflies)

Post #: 7

RE: Trouble Identifying my role perhaps? - 2/21/2013 4:59:17 AM

muhly22222

Posts: 463
Joined: 3/25/2010
Status: offline

I'm only 25, and although I now consider myself dominant, there was a period where I struggled to decide where I felt I belonged. The great thing for you is that you've got a girl who sounds fairly understanding, something I didn't have. The two of you should take lots of time to experiment and learn about yourselves and each other.

In short, there's nothing weird about you. Whatever BDSM is about, and there are as many opinions as there are noses, the basic idea is that you should enjoy what you're doing. Because nobody is the same, there's no one way to accomplish that. You figure out what works for you, and you do that.

(in reply to Austin4619)

Post #: 8

RE: Trouble Identifying my role perhaps? - 2/21/2013 7:26:36 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

It's pretty common to not want to submit after you orgasm. Perhaps you should investigate denial if you want to continue this.

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(in reply to muhly22222)

Post #: 9

RE: Trouble Identifying my role perhaps? - 2/21/2013 2:12:59 PM

NiceButMeanGirl

Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline

Austin4619, I'm not trying to push you in one direction or the other but,if you do think you're submissive, A site called Fetlife has a great group called Submissive men and the women who love them. That group has some stickies that say all sorts of great and positive things about submissive men, if you need some positive input.

NBMG

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Post #: 10

RE: Trouble Identifying my role perhaps? - 2/21/2013 2:23:00 PM

seekingreality

Posts: 599
Joined: 8/11/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Austin4619

Began exploring BDSM with my girlfriend about 3 months ago. I have always been attracted to the submissive role with a big emphasis on oral servitude. Although as it turns out my ego doesn't seem to agree with my dick sometimes as I find it hard to submit, and in some cases are disgusted with myself afterwards or at just random points thinking to myself why on earth would I have these fetishes? I tried to analyze it myself, and when I was a child I watched quite a bit of pornography, mostly from sites like whipped ass, or Wired Pussy, etc, etc. That depicted a lesbian BDSM experience. So I would see a dominant female and a submissive one. And in my head I would think... Who do I want to be in this? Therefore I don't know what I want. Is this normal? Does everyone who is new to the lifestyle have doubts? Do they hate indulging in their deepest fantasies? Or is it just me, being a huge weird ass fuck-up like always? Am I even cut out for this shit? I try to live in a vanilla life while giving into my fantasies whenever I feel like it. Can anyone help me out? Answer even one question I have? Is it okay to only live the lifestyle in the bedroom, is that frowned upon? I'm afraid I'm just a tad bit frustrated with myself, and I'd just like to hear what other people would have to say.

Dude, you're 18 -- my guess is, most of all, you're just horny. And that's cool -- all men are horny at 18.

Real life isn't porn -- so I wouldn't try to analyze yourself using a porn framework. And some stuff that turns you on when you are fantasizing about it or masturbating to it turns out not to rock your boat when you actually do it in real life.

Bottom line: Anything is OK if it works for you. There are no rules. The challenge for everyone is finding a partner who you are compatible with.

(in reply to Austin4619)

Post #: 11

RE: Trouble Identifying my role perhaps? - 2/21/2013 2:38:20 PM

xssve

Posts: 3589
Joined: 10/10/2009
Status: offline

Well so far as I can see you like eating pussy and you have testosterone - much of the PE dynamic has to do with allowing your counterpart to act out on a specific role/fantasy, and making them feel comfortable doing it, then you have a thing - there are all kinds of dynamics here, not knowing what your GF's fantasies are means I cant' really diagnose your specific situation, i.e., there are PE dynamics that are more Maternal/Paternal, as opposed to some of the others we're discussing: owner/property, leader/follower, employer/employee, kinky fucker/other kinky fucker, etc.

I don't think you have to make any decisions about the rest of your life right away, there's no rules here, other than respect and consent, the rest you can make up as you go along.

_____________________________

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(in reply to Austin4619)

Post #: 12

RE: Trouble Identifying my role perhaps? - 2/21/2013 7:28:15 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

dude, you're young. You have your entire life ahead of you. Go out and fuck others. Don't expect to know anything. Just experiment, have fun, explore the "wild" world all around you.

One day you will look back and think it was a silly question to even ask.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to xssve)

Post #: 13

RE: Trouble Identifying my role perhaps? - 2/21/2013 8:17:56 PM

SeekingTrinity

Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Austin4619

Began exploring BDSM with my girlfriend about 3 months ago. I have always been attracted to the submissive role with a big emphasis on oral servitude. Although as it turns out my ego doesn't seem to agree with my dick sometimes as I find it hard to submit, and in some cases are disgusted with myself afterwards or at just random points thinking to myself why on earth would I have these fetishes? I tried to analyze it myself, and when I was a child I watched quite a bit of pornography, mostly from sites like whipped ass, or Wired Pussy, etc, etc. That depicted a lesbian BDSM experience. So I would see a dominant female and a submissive one. And in my head I would think... Who do I want to be in this? Therefore I don't know what I want. Is this normal? Does everyone who is new to the lifestyle have doubts? Do they hate indulging in their deepest fantasies? Or is it just me, being a huge weird ass fuck-up like always? Am I even cut out for this shit? I try to live in a vanilla life while giving into my fantasies whenever I feel like it. Can anyone help me out? Answer even one question I have? Is it okay to only live the lifestyle in the bedroom, is that frowned upon? I'm afraid I'm just a tad bit frustrated with myself, and I'd just like to hear what other people would have to say.

Sweetie, you're young and life is really only just starting to unfold itself at your feet. At your age, I wasnt in touch with my sexuality either. Knew I was different as far as vanilla just didnt appeal to me, but I really didnt have any understanding yet of just what I was. That took years of exploration, self evaluation, and a good bit of trial and error too. Ill be the first to admit that I might have been born this way, but I sure as hell didnt know it back then. Ive transitioned from submission to dominance to being alright with switching with the right person. Its perfectly normal for you to not know right now who you are and what you are about. Thats specifically what this time in your life is for. The person I was at 19 was a hot mess compared to the self-assured soul that I am at nearly 40.

The only opinion that matters as far as your dynamic in BDSM, D/s, M/s, or whatever you define your situation as is yours. There is absolutely ZERO "one twue way." Your way will be your way, my way is mine, and the same can be said for everyone else here as well. Your way is the one that is right for you. Calm down, grasshopper...the answers will all come to you in time. Just remember that a mind is like a parachute...it doesnt work if its not open. Keep yours open and enjoy the hell out of this time in your life. My best piece of advice to give you is to keep your options wide open, dont go painting yourself into any one corner, and dont compare what you feel you arent right now to anything or anyone else.

(in reply to Austin4619)

Post #: 14

RE: Trouble Identifying my role perhaps? - 2/21/2013 8:51:15 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

OP, you are actually way ahead of other people in that you have already begun experimentation. Some people wait till they get much older or worse, they never have the nerve to live the way they want to.

Heed what everyone is telling you; nothing is written in stone, all of this, like all sexuality is individual choice.

I say, go out and just have fun.

Remember, when trying to figure out what role you are or who you are sexually, to put it really bluntly, whatever really makes you hard is what you should follow.

(in reply to SeekingTrinity)

Post #: 15

RE: Trouble Identifying my role perhaps? - 2/21/2013 9:52:00 PM

xssve

Posts: 3589
Joined: 10/10/2009
Status: offline

Lol, It's always worked for me.

Well, almost always.

But mostly, this:

quote:

ORIGINAL: peppermint
Just being yourself works very well.

_____________________________

Walking nightmare...

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 16

RE: Trouble Identifying my role perhaps? - 2/22/2013 12:36:18 AM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Austin4619
why on earth would I have these fetishes? I tried to analyze it myself, and when I was a child I watched quite a bit of pornography, mostly from sites like whipped ass, or Wired Pussy, etc, etc. That depicted a lesbian BDSM experience. So I would see a dominant female and a submissive one. And in my head I would think... Who do I want to be in this? Therefore I don't know what I want. Is this normal?

It is very normal, in my opinion, to be turned on by things you have seen, or imagined. It is incredibly normal not be sure what you want, when you've lived so little, and have had limited experience. My only advice is, don't try to live what you saw on video, unless it is with someone who watched with you, or someone who agrees to, after you've explained what you'd like to do.

quote:

Does everyone who is new to the lifestyle have doubts?

I did/do. If they don't, they tend to be fools, who have difficulty communicating with the masses, and limited ability to learn.

quote:

Do they hate indulging in their deepest fantasies? Or is it just me, being a huge weird ass fuck-up like always?

Some people are afraid of what they imagine, what they are turned on by, and hate themselves after doing so. Those issues would need to be resolved in one's head, or with a professional, so as to not be incoherent/crazy. You sound like anything but weird, or a phuck up. You sound smart, aware, and considerate. One cannot ask for more, in a partner, whichever side you end up on.

quote:

Am I even cut out for this shit? I try to live in a vanilla life while giving into my fantasies whenever I feel like it. Can anyone help me out? Answer even one question I have? Is it okay to only live the lifestyle in the bedroom, is that frowned upon? I'm afraid I'm just a tad bit frustrated with myself, and I'd just like to hear what other people would have to say.

There is no basic requirement, other than being 18 years of age (IMO); you needn't be any kind in particular, to be curious, interested, and live the way you see best fits you.
There is definitely, the option of living what it is that we do only inside the bedroom. You will be most successful being honest about that, to whomever you're in a relationship with.

I recommend reading a couple of books on this lifestyle, and feel you will be much less frustrated with yourself, and may even find that your thoughts/experiences, are not that uncommon. I'm going to try and copy ResidentSadist's list, rather that find one by one:
http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm. -=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
Good luck, M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to Austin4619)

Post #: 17

RE: Trouble Identifying my role perhaps? - 2/22/2013 5:47:45 AM

subinsilicon

Posts: 108
Joined: 1/7/2013
Status: offline

I'm with those who admonish you that you have a world of time to try things out with various people.
Just be safe - and have fun - and you'll do just fine!

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

Post #: 18

RE: Trouble Identifying my role perhaps? - 2/22/2013 9:36:04 AM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

OP, you are actually way ahead of other people in that you have already begun experimentation. Some people wait till they get much older or worse, they never have the nerve to live the way they want to.

Heed what everyone is telling you; nothing is written in stone, all of this, like all sexuality is individual choice.

I say, go out and just have fun.

Remember, when trying to figure out what role you are or who you are sexually, to put it really bluntly, whatever really makes you hard is what you should follow.

Red, he is just 18, linoleum floors can make him hard at this point!

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 19

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