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JstAnotherSub -> RE: If I report that James lives with me, can they count his income against what i can make on SSI? (2/24/2013 7:28:57 AM)
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I think that anyone who has been on these boards longer than a couple of months knows that TFTB has mental issues. Having fought panic attacks years ago, and being home bound with them for a couple of years, I can only imagine the terror of having them, along with manic episodes, the feeling of never quite fitting in, always feeling like a social blunder waiting to happen.
Luckily for me, I found the strength to get help, go to a support group, and use meds until I was able to fight the demons on my own. I still always have Xanax within reach at all times, but I do not use them more than 4 or 5 times a year most years. I also take Celexa and Wellbutrin daily, and have for the past few years, because after the loss of my mom, my husband, and my home in about 2 years time, I felt like I was falling and could not get up.
Luckily, I found a psychiatrist who was able to explain why to me in a way that made total sense. Buckets in the brain that have a hole in the when you need coping chemicals for stresses. Then the holes close and the bucket refills until next time you need it. Some folks, like me, have faulty buckets that never close the holes, and eventually, the bucket can not refill properly. The meds "fill my bucket" and even though I can not sense anything when I take them, if I quit them for a bit, I do become less able to let the small shit roll off my back. I am good with the fact I have to take them for a long time, and it doesn't make me feel lesser in the least.
All that personal info is typed here for a reason. I have watched TFTB for years on here, as she fights the demons inside her. She has shared the abuse she went through as a child, the joys she got just from a new haircut of a nice corset, and she has let us know that she has no social skills at all, she is impulsive, she is a child at heart, and she will probably always be a child in her head.
Some people will never be able to get the strength to fight demons that many of us take for granted. Do I think it is a choice? Sometimes yes. In TFTB's case, I do not feel it is a choice. I feel it is the hand she has been dealt, and it sucks.
I do believe that each time she posts here, she is sincere about what she wants to do to improve her self, but I also feel that she does not have the mental capacity to change. Meds will help her exist, but her life is what it is. Her joy in getting the room cleaned, or having 2 weeks for good eating habits or finding a dog that she can love and that will love her unconditionally makes me smile, and be glad for her that she found a taste of the joy that we all take for granted.
I hope that I can always read her posts with gratitude for what I do have, and empathy for what she faces daily. I wish others could do the same, but alas, I know that is not going to happen.
I do not offer her advice, because I know it may be taken at first, but it will be dropped by the wayside. I do not offer her criticism, because she has plenty of that in her life already. What I do offer her is an attagirl award for having the strength to continue to come here and ask questions, knowing she will be called names and talked down to, and managing most days to keep her childlike innocence and sense of humor.
I say to her way to go that she keeps on trying to do better, even if it is only a fantasy and it may never become a reality.
I cry for her, because there is nothing I can do to help her in real life, and the thought of the things she fights in her head and heart daily breaks my heart.
And I pray that she will always find bursts of happiness amid the sadness. I feel that this board may be a very important part of her life, and I hope to be the kind of person who will not judge her, put her down or make her feel worse.
TFTB, I hope this has not hurt your feeling in any way, because that is not my intent at all. Please just keep trying to find your bliss, because as long as you keep trying, there is hope.
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