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RE: setting them free - 4/20/2013 11:00:30 AM

everhope

Posts: 2179
Joined: 8/19/2007
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i agree with Jeff. her writing is the most beautiful third person writing that i have ever read.

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Post #: 41

RE: setting them free - 4/20/2013 7:26:29 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

Wow, you must not read much.

(in reply to everhope)

Post #: 42

RE: setting them free - 4/25/2013 9:16:08 AM

peope

Posts: 10
Joined: 2/17/2013
Status: offline

It is a grief process.
It will take time.

You seem like a responsible man who would make sure your girl had the best tools and means to continue her life.

For others. You are often making them depednant on you and you need to make sure they have the means, the know-how and the personal strength to handle a split.
Depending on your relationship they have come to rely on you physically, mentally and emotionally.
And if she is not running away it is your responsibility to make sure she is capable to go her way before releasing her.
Same to make sure she have an out i something where to happen to you. Money tucked away and a plan.

Tips for dealing with it.
Spend times with friends.
Do things you usually enjoy even if you are not that eager to.
Regular sleeping patterns. And just taking care of yourself.
Keep in mind that the pain will go over.
For you and her.

Expect there to be aggression as part of the grieving-process and that she might take it out on you or your friends.
Don't feed into any of that. If it happens.

I'm sure if you released her it was for a good cause.
Keep that in mind and remember the good things that where in the relationship.
And be grateful for what you had. Even if it ended.

Relationships do often end. Even if we wish and have this view that they do not.

Best is of course if you are the kind of people who have the ability to split in a honourable way and without bad feelings.
I've been lucky and have usually stayed friends with my exes. Both vanilla and D/s.

As in all of life.
I'd say the general thing.
Just try to be nice and patient with people.

Sincerely
// Peo

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Post #: 43

RE: setting them free - 4/25/2013 9:47:41 AM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

Wow, you must not read much.

I read a lot and it was lovely writing.
I think your dislike for 3rd person writing is coming through.

It is not a big deal at all that it isn't your kink and is a negative preference...

that you put down others (and in a mean way) who disagree with your preference, just made me feel sad.

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(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Post #: 44

RE: setting them free - 4/25/2013 10:03:40 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

I didn't put her down for it, even though I think it is asinine. I enjoy books written in the third person. I don't enjoy or have time for people who speak of themselves as if they are someone else.

It isn't sad, it is my preference, and I'm not alone in that preference.

(in reply to angelikaJ)

Post #: 45

RE: setting them free - 4/27/2013 12:14:01 PM

Bhruic

Posts: 985
Joined: 4/11/2012
From: Toronto, Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bhruic
And yet it does hurt. That is why so many people don't leave toxic relationships when it would better if they did. Your point sounds perfectly logical in theory, but in practice it sort of ignores human nature and emotion.

No, I'm sorry, but it's not universal. The emotion really can die *before* the official end. It really can be a situation where there is nothing left to mourn.

The "should" is not absolute.

To reply both to you and some others... I wasn't suggesting that it *always* hurts to leave a relationship. Obviously for some people in some situations it doesn't. But that was not the kind of situation the OP was talking about... and to suggest it should never hurt to leave a relationship that is not good for one, but for whatever reason one doesn't want to leave, or mourns the loss of is - while good advice - unrealistic to expect.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 46

RE: setting them free - 4/27/2013 1:33:32 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bhruic
To reply both to you and some others... I wasn't suggesting that it *always* hurts to leave a relationship. Obviously for some people in some situations it doesn't. But that was not the kind of situation the OP was talking about... and to suggest it should never hurt to leave a relationship that is not good for one, but for whatever reason one doesn't want to leave, or mourns the loss of is - while good advice - unrealistic to expect.

Yes, for the OP, I think it probably sucked. I felt bad for him. This is one of those occasions that I wished an OP would stick with the thread they created. It might have helped him some.

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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Bhruic)

Post #: 47

RE: setting them free - 5/1/2013 9:16:58 AM

JayAmbrose

Posts: 7
Joined: 4/13/2013
Status: offline

Saddly I had to travel for work and didn't get a chance to stick around. I saw the first few which were very man up and deal with it. But then as I got back to it now I noticed some of you haven't really been sticking up for me and really been looking out for me which I greatly appreciate it more than you can possibly now but I am back now so I will be following this thread quite religiously

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 48

RE: setting them free - 5/1/2013 4:22:50 PM

evesgrden

Posts: 597
Joined: 6/9/2012
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quote:

I didn't put her down for it, even though I think it is asinine.

can't imagine how someone could see a put-down in there......

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Post #: 49

RE: setting them free - 5/1/2013 4:45:15 PM

OrionTheWolf

Posts: 7803
Joined: 10/11/2006
Status: offline

Use the block feature then. You can avoid what you dislike and not detract from the topic.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

I didn't put her down for it, even though I think it is asinine. I enjoy books written in the third person. I don't enjoy or have time for people who speak of themselves as if they are someone else.

It isn't sad, it is my preference, and I'm not alone in that preference.

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Post #: 50

RE: setting them free - 5/1/2013 7:16:34 PM

Rasciallymisty

Posts: 5749
Joined: 4/16/2012
Status: offline

Welcome back op...it will be nice to see your take on all that has been said. Hope your emotions have had a chance to heal some.

(in reply to JayAmbrose)

Post #: 51

RE: setting them free - 5/1/2013 9:18:56 PM

JayAmbrose

Posts: 7
Joined: 4/13/2013
Status: offline

Thank you. The have and I have been reading and some of you have a very interesting take on things, be it cynical or any more realist light, though no matter what all of it has helped me greatly. Though I'm curious to see how many of you view the differences between a vanilla relationship and a BDSM relationship since there seems to be a pretty heavy 50/50 split.

(in reply to Rasciallymisty)

Post #: 52

RE: setting them free - 5/2/2013 7:06:03 AM

Rasciallymisty

Posts: 5749
Joined: 4/16/2012
Status: offline

For me a D/s relationship is just a much improved vanilla life. I sorta get my Dom and can eat him to......opps I meant cake.

Seriously, I can be who I am naturally with a Dom in my life, otherwise part of me doesn't get to be. My life is pretty terrific as it is but it becomes more enhanced when I am with a Dom. Hope that makes sence... not sure if that was what you where looking for or not.

Once again its nice to have you back.

(in reply to JayAmbrose)

Post #: 53

RE: setting them free - 5/2/2013 8:52:36 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JayAmbrose
Thank you. The have and I have been reading and some of you have a very interesting take on things, be it cynical or any more realist light, though no matter what all of it has helped me greatly. Though I'm curious to see how many of you view the differences between a vanilla relationship and a BDSM relationship since there seems to be a pretty heavy 50/50 split.

If you are talking about loss or grieving a relationship when you're asking about the differences, I don't think that's particularly the best angle for the question. It's not an automatic that a BDSM dynamic is going to hurt more than a vanilla relationship. It's going to vary according to the relationship, itself. Something's not going to hurt more simply because a relationship includes kink or an authority transfer between the two parties. My opinion is that is got a lot more to do with the content of the relationship, itself.

Are the two types of relationships different? They most certainly are because you're going to engage in different ways. Some people mistake this for one type of relationship being more intense because there is more honestly or ability to be your most authentic self with the other person. It's an easy assumption to make but it's not necessarily the case. I'm one half of a D/D couple. Neither of us switch for play and there's no authority dynamic between us. When it comes to each other, we're not kink compatible, so we play with other people and there have been dynamics with other people in the past. We're pretty darn vanilla with each other.

Yet, that's the person who knows Me best. He's the person who loves Me for exactly who I am, encourages the things that I want to do, doesn't demand that I change the things that I want, or how I want to live. The only part is that all of those kinky things don't happen in our bedroom with each other, rather than another person being involved. There's no fantasy I can't tell him or twisted thing that I want to do that I can't be honest about. That's the part that I think some folks confuse one type of relationship as being 'deeper' than the other. It's just really not the case.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to JayAmbrose)

Post #: 54

RE: setting them free - 5/2/2013 1:26:41 PM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JayAmbrose

Saddly I had to travel for work and didn't get a chance to stick around. I saw the first few which were very man up and deal with it. But then as I got back to it now I noticed some of you haven't really been sticking up for me and really been looking out for me which I greatly appreciate it more than you can possibly now but I am back now so I will be following this thread quite religiously

1-Yeah-you're kinda new here, so purely as a warning-lots and lots of the time people ain't gonna "stick up for you," but the vast majority of the time they'll tell you the truth. And you know what they say about the truth, "It may set you free but first it will piss you off."
2-AFAIC, there are only two types of people in the world-those who tear off a band-aid quickly and those who do it slow.
Either way, the suckers gonna hurt, it's just a question of how long the pain is gonna last.
Now me, I'm a rip that fucker off fastnhard sorta guy, don't understand people who draw out the process.
So when I think a relationship is toast and has no future I do what needs to be done. But if I like her, and am emotionally attached (which is pretty much always nowadays. When I was young I did some straight TPE's and got around a whole lot more than I do in my dotage), then it gonna hurt. And the equation is simple-the more I care, the more it's gonna hurt.
This rule holds true pretty much no matter what my reason for booting her from my life is. I can know I'm doing the right thing, for her/me/us, I can know in my heart that the decision to split is the best thing to do, the right thing to do, and ya know what? That sucker still hurts.
The rationale behind it doesn't matter a lick. The emotion is the only thing that matters.
For me, and this is just me, I'm friends with pretty much everyone I've ever played or slept with, but that didn't come easy or right away. I need some space to breathe, some time to lick my wounds and heal, sort out the emotions, figure out where things went wrong and why and how the process has changed me before I can really have interaction with them on a different level.
That takes time. Nothing else. Sometimes more, sometimes less, but in the end the healing comes, leaving me altered as a man, as a dom, as a human freaking being. usually a better one too. A touch more humble, a smidgen wiser, perhaps even, on occasion, a bit more compassionate.
Then, and only then, can I begin to build a relationship with them on a different level (Cuz, ya know, love doesn't disappear, it can just change form),grins, it's right around here that I'm safe to start thinking about dating again too.
I've said it here before and I'll say it again. Everything I've ever learned about BDSM (and most of what I know about life), I've learned from the fantastic women I've had the privilege of owning-they are almost to a lady so much better people than me and they gave so freely-I'm so freaking grateful.

Every woman I've ever loved has left teeny tiny footprints on my heart.
She may go, but those tracks, they remain.
As do the changes her presence, or lack thereof, has brought about in me. It's on me whether they better or lessen me as a person.

< Message edited by Kana -- 5/2/2013 2:07:22 PM >

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(in reply to JayAmbrose)

Post #: 55

RE: setting them free - 5/2/2013 7:14:47 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Lady Pact is correct that sometimes you do the mourning before the relationship is officially over but that doesn't negate the fact that you still had to go through the grieving process. The timing of the grief process doesn't mean you didn't still grieve.

Off topic, add me to those who don't read third person speak.

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Post #: 56

RE: setting them free - 5/3/2013 11:49:53 PM

Slogmeister

Posts: 1
Joined: 6/19/2009
Status: offline

Jay,

I think I have a unique perspective on letting go/setting free. Once a year, I am graced with the privilege of having a slave for a week. Her name is Fox. We met a few years ago when she did not have a Master and was trying very hard to make active changes in her life. When we met, it was instant synergy. We have complementary interests, a fantastic rapport and she truly enjoys the way I treat her and I truly enjoy the way she responds. It was serendipitous magic, and I am really tempted to tell the whole story, but this is not the place. So anyway, because of distance and other factors, I have never been able to make her a full-time slave. From the beginning, she and I have both known that a permanent relationship would probably never materialize.

Nevertheless, for several years now, we are together for a week, and what a week it is! However, as the week draws to a close, I have to set her free. I have done this for seven years, now, and it breaks my heart every time. In four months, I will do it again. The heartache and tears that follow is a small price to pay for one week with her.

So, I believe I can say with full authority that there is no easy way to do it. The best advice that I can give is to not make it a total severance. With Fox, I talk to her a little less than once a month. Give her a shove where she needs it, do my best to remind her that she *can* live alone. Mostly, we talk about potential Masters. Always, I promise that I will see her again next year.

If there's no easy way to do it, I guess the question would be how to make it hurt less? I don't have an answer for that, either. But I can say this: Make it worth it. If you're going to release your slave, do it with love. Do it in a way so that every time you tell the story, you never forget what it felt like. That sounds like it makes it worse, but honestly, it doesn't. A Master has to make many tough decisions, and then live with them. If you can live with the decision, and you know you did the right thing in the right way, then when you look back, you'll be sad but also proud. It'll become a part of you that makes you a better person and yeah, I guess that might make it hurt a little less.

(in reply to JayAmbrose)

Post #: 57

RE: setting them free - 5/4/2013 1:28:10 AM

littleclip

Posts: 869
Joined: 5/31/2012
Status: offline

as one that has been released for me it hurts a great deal and there is no recourse for my pain as she will not speak to me. sometimes it is harder on the other one than it is on you i know it had to be done but the pain is still great and it affects me a great deal my sleep and appetite are screwed up. do find a way to help the other along the path to return to happiness
just clip

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Post #: 58

RE: setting them free - 5/4/2013 5:14:24 AM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Slogmeister

Jay,

I think I have a unique perspective on letting go/setting free. Once a year, I am graced with the privilege of having a slave for a week. Her name is Fox. We met a few years ago when she did not have a Master and was trying very hard to make active changes in her life. When we met, it was instant synergy. We have complementary interests, a fantastic rapport and she truly enjoys the way I treat her and I truly enjoy the way she responds. It was serendipitous magic, and I am really tempted to tell the whole story, but this is not the place. So anyway, because of distance and other factors, I have never been able to make her a full-time slave. From the beginning, she and I have both known that a permanent relationship would probably never materialize.

Nevertheless, for several years now, we are together for a week, and what a week it is! However, as the week draws to a close, I have to set her free. I have done this for seven years, now, and it breaks my heart every time. In four months, I will do it again. The heartache and tears that follow is a small price to pay for one week with her.

So, I believe I can say with full authority that there is no easy way to do it. The best advice that I can give is to not make it a total severance. With Fox, I talk to her a little less than once a month. Give her a shove where she needs it, do my best to remind her that she *can* live alone. Mostly, we talk about potential Masters. Always, I promise that I will see her again next year.

If there's no easy way to do it, I guess the question would be how to make it hurt less? I don't have an answer for that, either. But I can say this: Make it worth it. If you're going to release your slave, do it with love. Do it in a way so that every time you tell the story, you never forget what it felt like. That sounds like it makes it worse, but honestly, it doesn't. A Master has to make many tough decisions, and then live with them. If you can live with the decision, and you know you did the right thing in the right way, then when you look back, you'll be sad but also proud. It'll become a part of you that makes you a better person and yeah, I guess that might make it hurt a little less.

Sorry, but you aren't her master. Once a year you have a week long play date, like the movie "Same Time Next Year."

(in reply to Slogmeister)

Post #: 59

RE: setting them free - 5/4/2013 7:43:16 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana
you know what they say about the truth, "It may set you free but first it will piss you off."

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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Post #: 60

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