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structure issues - 4/15/2013 11:19:52 AM

aiyah

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i love my DaddyDom and He loves me, but i am a little disappointed in the lack of structure in O/our dynamic. He says i can do no wrong and He wants to spoil me (which is sweet) but i am left often feeling... dissatisfied. How do i let Him know i need more (any) disipline/structure w/out sounding ungrateful or like i'm trying to top from the bottom?

RE: structure issues - 4/15/2013 11:44:47 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: aiyah

i love my DaddyDom and He loves me, but i am a little disappointed in the lack of structure in O/our dynamic. He says i can do no wrong and He wants to spoil me (which is sweet) but i am left often feeling... dissatisfied. How do i let Him know i need more (any) disipline/structure w/out sounding ungrateful or like i'm trying to top from the bottom?

Telling him you are disappointed or dissatisfied will make you sound ungrateful, and quite frankly, disrespectful.

Try telling him what you want, and letting him decide if you will get it or not.

Saying you 'need' something is placing a condition on your relationship, and yes, that is topping from the bottom.

There is always going to be a point where you are disappointed when you don't get something you want, but you are an adult right? We don't always get what we want in real life, and how we react to disappointment is a good measure of us all.

(in reply to aiyah)

RE: structure issues - 4/15/2013 11:56:11 AM

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Not necessarily. Being able to have an open dialogue, even about being disappointed or dissatisifed is the best way to communicate.

Putting terms on it, like topping from below, is just wrong and makes new subs feel like they are not allowed to express themselves.

(in reply to subsfaith)

RE: structure issues - 4/15/2013 12:35:55 PM

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I guess having a discussion like two adults in a relationship is out of the question?

If you don't ask for it, you'll never get it.

And BTW, this is where sitting down and having discussion before committing yourself to someone comes in handy.

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RE: structure issues - 4/15/2013 12:38:00 PM

aiyah

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i always thought honesty was the basis for a lasting relationship. being unhappy with how something is proceeding isnt disrespectful but hiding it is. by hiding how you feel it insinuates that the Dom/me in question isnt strong enough to handle things. I simply wanted to know if from a Tops P. O. V. If there was a way to express me desires in a pleasing manner.

(in reply to sexyred1)

RE: structure issues - 4/15/2013 12:52:33 PM

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I would think that anyone, committed to making a relationship last would wish to foster honest, open, dialogue.

I wonder why you would think that sharing your feelings, wants, and desires would be anything but a requirement in a TPS relationship?

I know that, for me, I would be angry with my lady if she didn't tell me what was going on in her head because I'm not a mind reader and her, expecting me to be one, is setting up the relationship for failure.

Good luck.

Peace and comfort,

Michael

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(in reply to aiyah)

RE: structure issues - 4/15/2013 1:08:48 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: subsfaith

quote:

ORIGINAL: aiyah

i love my DaddyDom and He loves me, but i am a little disappointed in the lack of structure in O/our dynamic. He says i can do no wrong and He wants to spoil me (which is sweet) but i am left often feeling... dissatisfied. How do i let Him know i need more (any) disipline/structure w/out sounding ungrateful or like i'm trying to top from the bottom?

Telling him you are disappointed or dissatisfied will make you sound ungrateful, and quite frankly, disrespectful.

Try telling him what you want, and letting him decide if you will get it or not.

Saying you 'need' something is placing a condition on your relationship, and yes, that is topping from the bottom.

There is always going to be a point where you are disappointed when you don't get something you want, but you are an adult right? We don't always get what we want in real life, and how we react to disappointment is a good measure of us all.

This is a relationship, and if you are dissatisfied, you aren't ungrateful or disrespectful. We aren't talking about being dissatisfied with not getting her way. There is nothing disrespectful about telling your partner you would like more rules and structure when done in a rational way. Your comments would be appropriate if she were going to tell him he sucks at being her daddydom, but that isn't what she wants to do.

OP, simply sit down with him and explain that you would really like more rules and structure. That is what adults do.

(in reply to subsfaith)

RE: structure issues - 4/15/2013 2:04:42 PM

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First, is it discipline or structure that you need... or both?

Is it discipline or punishment of some kind that you want?

Regarding discipline/punishment: is it the feeling of being spanked, you want more of, or the head-space of chastisement, the erotic shame a spanking can bring or in your mind is spanking something apart from discipline?
What from discipline is it specifically that you are wanting...?

Regarding structure: how do you want more structure?

Does he make rules and not enforce them or does he simply not make many demands upon you?

What I am trying to do with these very nose questions is to get you to figure out exactly what you want *more* of.
The more specific you can be the more likely it is that someone will be able to tell you whether or not they can fulfill a particular want or need.

One thing you might want to bring gently to his attention is sometimes having structure can make a person feel 'held' and even loved... .

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(in reply to aiyah)

RE: structure issues - 4/15/2013 2:30:10 PM

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You sit down with him and have a talk about your needs and wants versus his needs and wants.

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(in reply to aiyah)

RE: structure issues - 4/15/2013 2:30:31 PM

aiyah

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thank you for your insight! i would like both structure (rules, chores, expectations) and disipline (spankings, chastisment etc). you are absolutly right about those things making me feel safe, cared for. loved and a bunch of other happy things!

(in reply to angelikaJ)

RE: structure issues - 4/15/2013 3:36:53 PM

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quote:

Telling him you are disappointed or dissatisfied will make you sound ungrateful, and quite frankly, disrespectful.

Try telling him what you want, and letting him decide if you will get it or not.

Saying you 'need' something is placing a condition on your relationship, and yes, that is topping from the bottom.

OMG, there is so much wrong with this, I don't even know where to start!

If you are in a relationship in which both parties are committed to each others' happiness, communicating one's desires, goals, and needs is absolutely essential. Sometimes, unfortunately, that means explaining to your partner that you are disappointed or dissatisfied. Being honest with your dom about your feelings is actually a sign of respect (IMHO), because it demonstrates your trust in his leadership, allows you to acknowledge his caring nature, and gives him the chance to have an impact on your life. My dom is the calmest f*cking guy you will ever meet. I've seen his car hit by a f*cking bus, and he didn't even bat an eyelash. Just dealt with it and then took me out as per our evening plans, like a boss. It is hard to make him angry. On the few occasions he's been mad at me, it's usually because I hid something from him (the reason doesn't even matter), and didn't give him the chance to problem solve with me. He's king of the castle, but how can he rule if the issues aren't laid out for him?

Now, sharing feelings isn't disrespectful, but the way in which you share your feelings can be. So, be polite & respectful, and use positive language like "I appreciate where this is going, but I have some ideas as to how we could improve it." Treat the issue as an opportunity to better the relationship and take on a problem solving mentality (rather than a "This sucks, it's a problem" attitude) and you are good to go.

(in reply to aiyah)

RE: structure issues - 4/15/2013 5:23:34 PM

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By telling him exactly what you just typed here.

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(in reply to aiyah)

RE: structure issues - 4/15/2013 5:42:57 PM

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No offense, OP, but it is threads like this one that confirm My reasons for stressing the importance of things like structure, protocol, authority, etc before entering a relationship. This can be a serious compatibility issue when two people don't have the same idea of how much or how little of these things people have to have in order to make them happy.

It's a bit too late for that considering that you are already in the dynamic. Yes, I agree with those who said that the best thing you can do now is to discuss the matter. If he is willing to do more in these areas, it will work out well for you. At the same time, you have to consider that he may be happy being the laid back, relaxed type. It may turn out that he gives a bit more and you expect a bit less.

I do hope that you are able to resolve the issue to where everyone will be content.

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(in reply to littlewonder)

RE: structure issues - 4/15/2013 5:54:00 PM

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I'm going to give the benefit of the doubt - and say that sometimes these things become obvious after you are already in a relationship. That sucks!

and now, you need to sit your Daddy down, and tell him that you are feeling that something is missing, and what. He doesn't have to do anything about it, and that's his right. On the other hand, if he is ok with what you say, then you may end up with rules and regs. Its very nonthreatening when you say that YOU are missing something. That way its about what you are feeling, not what he is doing wrong.

and i understand what you mean by feeling safer with rules. It is very peaceful to know exactly what you need to do to be pleasing. Good luck........................

(in reply to LadyPact)

RE: structure issues - 4/15/2013 6:42:38 PM

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Tell him what things you are having difficulties with and ask him to help you fix them. If you tend to stay up late, ask him to help you get on a regular schedule. If you skip meals, ask him to help you do better.

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RE: structure issues - 4/15/2013 6:49:17 PM

Aswad

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quote:

ORIGINAL: subsfaith

Saying you 'need' something is placing a condition on your relationship, and yes, that is topping from the bottom.

What are you on about?

Communicating needs is one of the most important tasks a sub/slave has. If you're going to abuse the phrase 'topping from the bottom', you might as well apply it to what you're doing here: imposing your own idea of what a dom should want/have in their relationship. Unless told otherwise, a sub/slave should endeavour to communicate as clearly as possible on pretty much any topic, and particularly those that concern the relationship.

I, for one, hate having to dig things out of a sub/slave/bottom, esp. those they could've told me themselves.

IWYW,
— Aswad.

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From then on I knew: God doesn't make the world this way.
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(in reply to subsfaith)

RE: structure issues - 4/15/2013 8:54:34 PM

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One of the things the Mister has said to me is that he is glad I can bring up the tough subjects - even those he might not want to hear. It takes both of us to keep us on the right path.

I absolutely tell him when I'm bothered, angry, scared, dissatisfied, etc. But here's the thing. We're two people who love each other. And even when those hard subjects are put out on the table, it's with love and respect - not a feigned love and respect, but genuine. So basically, we're on one side of the table together, and the "problem" (whatever it may be) is on the other side of the table. We look at it together - on the same team.

Usually I'll start out by telling him I need to talk to him and it's not going to be a comfortable topic, but I don't like the things I'm feeling, and I need his help to sort it out. In your case, perhaps I'd say something like, "It makes me feel safe and secure and protected to feel disciplined, and to have more structure, and without it I'm feeling kind of lost. Would you be open to a conversation about how we might add more of this to our relationship? " And then, as angelika pointed out, know what your needs are so that you can present them.

Then it's up to him.

There is absolutely nothing about "topping from the bottom" here, and nothing ungrateful or disrespectful about this. It's two people having an open and honest dialogue about how to make the relationship even better than it already is.

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(in reply to aiyah)

RE: structure issues - 4/16/2013 3:57:29 AM

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You're getting very good advice here. There's nothing wrong with asking him for more structure. Wanting rules, chores, expectations and discipline is completely reasonable - I hope he responds actively to your request and that you soon feel more structure and direction.

(in reply to NuevaVida)

RE: structure issues - 4/16/2013 6:54:08 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: aiyah
If there was a way to express me desires in a pleasing manner.

Every guy, of course, will be different. What would be pleasing for me is if you'd just sit me down and say what needed to be said without a whole lot of mincing around. I dislike it when Carol herself tries to direct the marriage. But I do not consider information about her internal state to be necessarily directing anything. That is the key for me.

Carol: "Master, I've been looking at how you are directing me. You, of course, will do as you will but I think I'd be happier if you were to directly me more assertively. For instance, the other day when xxx happened...."

I'm sure what I'd do at that point is ask clarifying questions and then figure out how I can make something along these lines happen because, for me at least, I'm all about getting extra bits of happiness in my marriage. I kind of like being happy.

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(in reply to aiyah)

RE: structure issues - 4/16/2013 8:45:12 AM

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"I kind of like being happy."

That made me smile. It really is as simple as that.

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(in reply to JeffBC)

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