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Relationship Question - 11/10/2004 3:25:43 PM   
siamsa24


Posts: 2426
Joined: 2/2/2004
Status: offline 		I am putting this question here because it has nothing to do with BDSM specifically, please let me know if anyone thinks that it belongs elsewhere.

I have been with my Dom for over a year and a half and recently discovered that our relaitonship is not what I thought it was. I found out that all those times that he said "I love you" what he ment to say was "I love your body". This has been difficult so far because I thought that our relationship ment more then that. He claims that he is willing to start taking our relationship more seriously.
My question is this, is this worth working for? I have put over a year and a half or love, work and tears into this relationship thinking that it was love. Do you think this relationship is worth saving?

Thank you in advance for your thoughts and opinions.

God bless,
diann
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Relationship Question - 11/10/2004 3:31:19 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

My question is this, is this worth working for? I have put over a year and a half or love, work and tears into this relationship thinking that it was love. Do you think this relationship is worth saving?


If I were in the same situation, I guess I'd start asking him some tough questions. Why would he say he loves me. When in reality he only loves my body? Can lust last that long?

Could he just have realized that the relationship was more than a roll in the hay and now he is scared? What does he want out of life in general? Does he want to try to find someone to settle down with and you just are'nt it? Or would he rather just flutter from person to person?

So many different ways to look at this. I'd have to ask him myself. I know I'd be asking myself some serious questions as well. I mean, if I want a relationship and he is claiming he doesn't. I'd have no choice but to start looking elsewhere. Perhaps if you do just that he may wise up. I really don't know without asking him.

Just a few thoughts to ponder though.


(in reply to siamsa24)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Relationship Question - 11/10/2004 3:39:33 PM   
siamsa24


Posts: 2426
Joined: 2/2/2004
Status: offline 		To be honest, I think that he didn't expect it to last this long and all of a sudden it's a year and a half later.
As far as I can tell he isn't looking for anything for the future. He is in his mid 30's, I am his second relationship that lasted over a year, he doesn't have a career and isn't looking for one. I have started wondering if he is ever going to be able to support the family that he claims to want.
I am a college student, I have big plans for the future (which I will spew forth if anyone cares to ask ) and maybe that is what worries him. I have career goals and ideas that will take me places and he still goes bar hopping on the weekends for the purpose of getting drunk. I feel as though I am the mature one in the relationship, and yet he claims that it isn't so.

Sorry, that turned into a longer rant then I it to

(in reply to sub4hire)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Relationship Question - 11/10/2004 3:42:01 PM   
NoCalOwner


Posts: 241
Status: offline 		Damn.

I have a hard time deciding whether you have a relationship worth saving, because I'm not really sure what you have. I mean, you do have a guy who loves your body, but there's 20 likely volunteers for that down at the corner bar.

If you've been with him for a year and a half, and he's not in love with you now, do you really think it will happen? A year and a half is about how long 40% of marriages last, it's not like you were just getting to know each other.

< Message edited by NoCalOwner -- 11/10/2004 4:00:19 PM >

_____________________________

"Find more pleasure in intelligent dissent rather than passive agreement; for if you value intelligence as you should, the former implies a deeper agreement than the latter."
-- Bertrand Russell

(in reply to siamsa24)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Relationship Question - 11/10/2004 3:42:17 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		From what is sounds like you ARE the mature one in the relationship. Sounds as if he has no serious relationship goals either.

How do you get someone to grow up who doesn't want to?

I hate to say it but it sounds like it may not work out.
I'd love to hear about your future goals as well, that is if you care to share?


(in reply to siamsa24)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Relationship Question - 11/10/2004 3:46:25 PM   
siamsa24


Posts: 2426
Joined: 2/2/2004
Status: offline 		Love to

I am scheduled to gradute from a very highly reagrded private liberal arts college in 2006 with a BA degree in psychology with a focuses in learning and development. After graduation I plan to serve with CityCorp for two years, in return they will pay nearly half of my student loans.
After I have completed my CityCorp service I will be attending law school (I hope). After completing law school I hope to open my own practice as a private guardian ad litem.
After several successful years I am planning on running for public office. I may be the first lifestyle friendly president
If all of that falls through I have been offered a very good position at Walgreens in the upper management, so I'll have a job even if I don't get into law school.

< Message edited by siamsa24 -- 11/10/2004 3:47:50 PM >

(in reply to sub4hire)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Relationship Question - 11/10/2004 3:51:05 PM   
Yankeestick


Posts: 91
Joined: 10/11/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: siamsa24

I am putting this question here because it has nothing to do with BDSM specifically, please let me know if anyone thinks that it belongs elsewhere.

...

Thank you in advance for your thoughts and opinions.

God bless,
diann


Hi diann -

It seems clear to me that you already know the answer to your own question.

The tough part is acting on what you know.

You're young (and I'm not) so I'll share something pretty basic, that I hope doesn't sound condescending. BDSM is only a subset of the human experience. Whatever's going on, and whatever your non-vanilla tastes and desires, if it doesn't make sense to you as a human being, it's wrong for you.

Your own personal clarity is your best friend here. Go for it.

Best wishes -

Yankeestick

(in reply to siamsa24)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Relationship Question - 11/10/2004 3:52:41 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		diann,
Wow - tough one.

My gut and my belief is that Trust is an asset you can only spend once - and never get back. But I see feelings coming from your post that would make that pragmatic answer seem cold and hard.
I realize it's impossible to give all the facets of your situation, but after a year and a half, I wouldn't think it possible for this to happen. I'd like to know how you found out.
I'd suggest you seek out someone local to talk this over with in detail. Ideally in person, but maybe a IM chat would work if it could be done without distraction. I sense you need some support, I hope you have access to it. It must be very difficult to be presented with the idea that the last year and a half you have been allowed to believe in something that didn't exist.
Good luck, our best thoughts are with you.

(in reply to siamsa24)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Relationship Question - 11/10/2004 3:59:47 PM   
siamsa24


Posts: 2426
Joined: 2/2/2004
Status: offline 		I found out through a very long and detailed conversation that we had about our thoughts on the future. He has dreams of returning to California and finding work again and I told him that it would be best if he didn't wait too much longer to decide because I will be graduating soon and will tend to settle wherever I happen to move after graduation. This was followed by a long pause, after which he told me that he hadn't really expected me to go with him.
This whole thing then turned into a conversation about where his feeling were and where mine were and the realization that they didn't match up.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Relationship Question - 11/10/2004 4:01:14 PM   
siamsa24


Posts: 2426
Joined: 2/2/2004
Status: offline
quote:

BDSM is only a subset of the human experience. Whatever's going on, and whatever your non-vanilla tastes and desires, if it doesn't make sense to you as a human being, it's wrong for you.


Yankeestick,
I am unsure of what you mean. Can you please clarify?

(in reply to Yankeestick)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Relationship Question - 11/10/2004 4:11:19 PM   
Yankeestick


Posts: 91
Joined: 10/11/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: siamsa24

quote:

BDSM is only a subset of the human experience. Whatever's going on, and whatever your non-vanilla tastes and desires, if it doesn't make sense to you as a human being, it's wrong for you.


Yankeestick,
I am unsure of what you mean. Can you please clarify?


Sure. You really did a good job of what I was trying to say in the post right above - but let me expand my thoughts.

You have things that you really NEED for a relationship to work. If you don't get 'em, you simply can't be happy. The things you need may have something to do with BDSM, or NOTHING to do with BDSM (or both).

And then, besides you're own non-negotiable NEEDS, you may have things you WANT. Again, they may or may not have anything to do with BDSM. (There's a recent thread on "wants and needs" somewhere).

The more clarity you have about your personal needs and wants, the better equipped you are to explore this sometimes seductively hypnotic world we share. Conversely, if you're not clear, you can end up spending a long time with someone who really doesn't meet your needs, because he whips you just so - or whatever.

My own personal checklist doesn't just have kinky stuff on it - but other stuff that has nothing to do with BDSM - stuff I need in order to be happy in a relationship. I put that stuff in my profile, to attract the like minded, and scare away the rest (grin).

Best wishes...and glad you got the answers you were seeking from your recent conversation with the dom.

Yankeestick

< Message edited by Yankeestick -- 11/10/2004 4:38:20 PM >

(in reply to siamsa24)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Relationship Question - 11/10/2004 4:12:40 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		diann,
With that piece of information feel fortunate that he is gone from your life.

Take a deep breath, cry, take another deep breath, smile, salute the sunrise and go out and conquer the world as you described in your reply to sub4hire. I envy your youth and all the wonderful journeys and experiences you have before you.

If you learned from this relationship that you have the soul and desire to be a submissive and/or a slave you did gain something of value that he can not take back. When you find your 'One', the cacophony of pain caused by this disclosure will be drowned out by the symphony of joy you will feel.

(in reply to siamsa24)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Relationship Question - 11/10/2004 4:17:40 PM   
NoCalOwner


Posts: 241
Status: offline 		OK, now I have to vent.

When I was 38, I acquired an 18 year old sub, who was lovely, mature, hardworking and exploding with potential. In the 9 years since, not a day has passed that I haven't marvelled at my good fortune, every moment I am profoundly appreciative of what fate sent my way.

Considering how close his situation is to what mine was, his bored and unappreciative attitude make him impossible for me to fathom. I'm wondering if you don't deserve an awful lot better than that.



_____________________________

"Find more pleasure in intelligent dissent rather than passive agreement; for if you value intelligence as you should, the former implies a deeper agreement than the latter."
-- Bertrand Russell

(in reply to siamsa24)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Relationship Question - 11/10/2004 4:24:51 PM   
Yankeestick


Posts: 91
Joined: 10/11/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NoCalOwner

Considering how close his situation is to what mine was, his bored and unappreciative attitude make him impossible for me to fathom.


I could be wrong - but it sure sounds to me like a basic mismatch in terms of relationship goals and intimacy needs, NoCalOwner - one of those basic kinds of mismatches that has nothing to do with BDSM particularly. That's not hard to understand - and it's as common as mud.

quote:

I'm wondering if you don't deserve an awful lot better than that.


My essential point is that we ALL deserve better than that - a happy match rather than an unhappy mismatch - and that includes him as well as her.

My observation and experience is that the hard thing for most of us is doing the necessary introspection to know what that means in our own lives - and then acting on what we find out about ourselves rather than taking the path of least resistance.

Best -

Yankeestick

< Message edited by Yankeestick -- 11/10/2004 4:42:38 PM >

(in reply to NoCalOwner)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Relationship Question - 11/10/2004 4:49:20 PM   
NoCalOwner


Posts: 241
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Yankeestick
quote:

ORIGINAL: NoCalOwner
Considering how close his situation is to what mine was, his bored and unappreciative attitude make him impossible for me to fathom.

I could be wrong - but it sure sounds to me like a basic mismatch in terms of relationship goals and intimacy needs, NoCalOwner. - one of those basic kinds of mismatches that has nothing to do with BDSM particularly. That's not hard to understand - and it's as common as mud.

Oh, absolutely! Like I said, I'm just venting, and my gut reaction is to think that he's a fool. If one doesn't love someone, telling them otherwise is manipulative, to put it charitably. My impression is that she hasn't made any secret of how she's felt about him. And then there are things like his talk of getting employed again, starting a family, etc. A mismatch is never blameworthy. Being less than honest so that you can use the body of a girl who loves you is another matter altogether.

Sometimes people just amaze me. I wish that it were usually in a more positive way.

"The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream: it is a most depressing and humiliating reality." -- Oscar Wilde

(in reply to Yankeestick)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Relationship Question - 11/10/2004 6:21:13 PM   
happypervert


Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline 		Your description of him shows no redeeming qualities at all, so it sounds to me like you've already decided you don't think the relationship is worth saving. So count yourself lucky and move on -- another gal might marry a guy like that and it takes her 15 years to decide to dump his worthless ass.



_____________________________

"Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live." . . . Mark Twain

(in reply to siamsa24)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Relationship Question - 11/10/2004 8:49:28 PM   
siamsa24


Posts: 2426
Joined: 2/2/2004
Status: offline 		Thank you all for your wonderful advice.
Please understand that I was very angry when I wrote that description of him and that he is also a very wonderful person and has had a great influence on my life.
I know that we have not been communicating properly, is there a way to salvage what we have and begin a brand new relationship? Or am I just being nieve again?

(in reply to happypervert)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Relationship Question - 11/10/2004 9:05:11 PM   
Yankeestick


Posts: 91
Joined: 10/11/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: siamsa24

I know that we have not been communicating properly, is there a way to salvage what we have and begin a brand new relationship?


You'll find the answer to that question by communicating. Once again, a human thing, not just a BDSM thing.

quote:

Or am I just being nieve again?


I couldn't say for sure...and neither could anyone else who's not omniscient. Doing your communication work will make you clear-eyed realist, rather than cockeyed optimist, or a hollow-eyed pessimist.

Best wishes on your journey -

Yankeestick

< Message edited by Yankeestick -- 11/10/2004 9:07:35 PM >

(in reply to siamsa24)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Relationship Question - 11/10/2004 9:22:48 PM   
siamsa24


Posts: 2426
Joined: 2/2/2004
Status: offline 		Ah yes, the word omniscient reminded me of yet another facet of our relationship, religion.
Catholic and Jewish, need I say more?

(in reply to Yankeestick)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Relationship Question - 11/10/2004 10:44:00 PM   
Estring


Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		It seems that now that you are both communicating, it's become perfectly clear that it is over. He has told you as much. Communicating is listening as well as talking. Listen to what he is saying.

< Message edited by Estring -- 11/10/2004 10:45:19 PM >

(in reply to siamsa24)
Profile   Post #: 20
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