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leonine -> Two shaggy targ stories for Trekkies: OS (5/4/2013 3:50:33 PM)
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Once upon a five year mission, a certain starship came to the isolated colony of Spooner's World to find a civil war brewing. Knowing that the colony had come through a severe famine, the Captain assumed that food shortages were the cause, but when he contacted the rebel leader he learnt that it was not so simple.
"We managed to feed everyone, though it took almost every scrap of farmable land. Only two small areas remain not devoted to food production, and one of those must go soon: and that's the problem. Our President selfishly insists on retaining the public Flower Gardens."
"That doesn't sound selfish," said the Captain. The rebel sneered.
"Everyone knows it is because of his old nurse. She has a taste for honey liquor: so he wants to preserve the Gardens and their associated bee farms, so that she can go on having her favourite tipple."
"And what option do you favour?"
The rebel explained that the colony had once had a Zoo of Earth animals, but only one had survived. "That beast is the last remnant of our Earth heritage. We have a duty to preserve the land that supplies its fodder. Now excuse me, I must go and die heroically in a pointless battle."
"This is terrible," said the Captain. "We aren't supposed to interfere, but we do every week, so what the Hell." And after amazing adventures, during which the most beautiful woman in the Colony fell in love with the Captain, the Engineering Officer achieved physical impossibilities, the Science Officer said "Remarkable!" and several men in red tunics got shot, the war was averted and the dilemma was put to a vote. The Captain expected that the people would support the Earth animal, but to his surprise the vote went to preserve the privileges of the President's nurse.
"Predictable," said the Science Officer. "I anticipated it when I learnt what Earth animal the rebels were seeking to protect."
"You mean..." said the Captain in dawning horror.
"Precisely, Captain," said the imperturbable Vulcan. "It is logical that the meads of the Nanny should outweigh the feeds of the Gnu."
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