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girl needs some advise please... - 4/6/2004 12:06:28 AM

snwjoy

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RE: girl needs some advise please... - 4/6/2004 12:10:49 AM

snwjoy

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has such a problem.....my Master has released me and well I'm still having a very hard time with this....told me that its over he wants to married and have children ....see this girl is 6 years older than he is .....and I have my children already.....but we love each other and he is going to let that stand in his way ....he says that....he knows that its selfish on his part and shallow but that is his dicision.

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RE: girl needs some advise please... - 4/6/2004 12:26:30 AM

Sylverdawn

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love yourself enough to move forward.. and let him make the choices he needs to make for himself... No one can choose anothers path... think that this relationship is the step you took to get to the next. That in this place you learned about yourself and grew... thank him for helping you learn what your potential is.. and take that growth and willing loving spirit and look forward to your next experience ...

Be Well
SD

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RE: girl needs some advise please... - 4/6/2004 12:49:58 AM

Perempt

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Of course, the pain of the break-up is apparent in your words, and no advice will blunt the pain....we've all been there. Some thngs you never get over, though you survive.
I had aa nuch yonger fem/slave once, who left Me to marry and have family. I agreed it was the right move....still, it hurt.

I cannot tell if you think there's a chance that you can somehow resume. Everyone will tell you to move on, but ALL long term relationships have points of break-up that are later composed. If you think yours may be one of that type, give reconciliation a chance....for a specified period, say a month. you cannot stay in limbo forever...if he doesn't return to you in a month, close the book, and tell Him that.

In the meantime, do things for yourself...if you like reading, read; if music, play, etc. I think it is helpful to keep in touch with bdsm folk, especially sister subbies, or a Dom that is a close friend (you must beware of Doms that may exploit your being on the rebound, as I'm sure you know).

All the best to you.

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RE: girl needs some advise please... - 4/6/2004 7:19:07 AM

ZenMaster

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How long have you and your Master been together? It's obvious that the two of you have come to a crossroads and from what you wrote, it doesn't seem that he wants to resolve his issues which affect the relationship. Just given that, I believe you would ultimately be better off without him. Why stay with someone who doesn't want to share the same dreams which you do?

I wish you all the best.

ZM

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RE: girl needs some advise please... - 4/6/2004 12:35:58 PM

inyouagain

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quote:

ORIGINAL: snwjoy
...but we love each other and he is going to let that stand in his way ....he says that....he knows that its selfish on his part and shallow but that is his dicision.

Relationships work best when both parties share common interests, goals and dreams. When one party has interests, goals or dreams which the other cannot fulfill, the relationship will suffer.

Unfortunately, despite how those wishes are classified (unrealistic, punitive, illogical, etc) by the second party, it does not take away the conflicting wishes of the first party... they remain until satisfied or forgotten, one way or the other.

It was mentioned that your Master was being "selfish" in making his decision. It could be argued that your desires to maintain the status quo, while knowing his wishes, could be considered "selfish". In that light, you have a classic Catch-22 dilemma. Even by virtue of a total compromise, how can one party be happy, while the other feels lacking... or loss? Thus your feelings are on the receiving end, unfortunately.

This would be a most difficult compromise for either party, but this way it is permanent. You are free to resume your chosen lifestyle with a partner who has interests, goals and dreams common to your's. You will most certainly require a grieving period and must not lose track of your interests, goals and dreams through your grief. Your feelings are perfectly natural if you did love each other, but also immensely painful. You must refocus on your interests, goals and dreams and do what is best for you both, not what is best (or feels best) for just one of you.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ZenMaster
Why stay with someone who doesn't want to share the same dreams which you do?

I quoted this question because it applies equally to both parties in any relationship.

It's tough indeed, but you must dig deep, find yourself, and move forward. Very good advice above in the other posts in this thread. Love yourself now, and don't try "living in the past". You can't change his decision, you can only change your's.

Remember that you have a Gift to protect, and that this loss is already behind you.

Best wishes

Inyouagain

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RE: girl needs some advise please... - 4/6/2004 2:43:44 PM

Estring

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You stated that you already had your children. Are they already grown and gone? Or are they still with you? If they are still with you, I find it curious that he would need to go elsewhere for children and marriage.
But regardless, it sounds as if he is serious about eding it. You need to try to move on. Good luck.

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RE: girl needs some advise please... - 4/6/2004 5:47:56 PM

MizSuz

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quote:

ORIGINAL: inyouagain

<snip> In that light, you have a classic Catch-22 dilemma. Even by virtue of a total compromise, how can one party be happy, while the other feels lacking... or loss? Thus your feelings are on the receiving end, unfortunately.

This would be a most difficult compromise for either party, but this way it is permanent. You are free to resume your chosen lifestyle with a partner who has interests, goals and dreams common to your's. You will most certainly require a grieving period and must not lose track of your interests, goals and dreams through your grief. Your feelings are perfectly natural if you did love each other, but also immensely painful. You must refocus on your interests, goals and dreams and do what is best for you both, not what is best (or feels best) for just one of you.

How very well put. I can only add an echo of some of my other posts. In my experience, lasting relationships, the kind where people are still dear to one another 10 and 20 years later, are the ones that are liquid enough to become other than what you may have thought or even wanted. If you are suffering a loss, and the loss of a relationship and perhaps a dream can be significant loss, grief is appropriate. If you can find a way inside yourself (and he can too) then it's possible to remain dear to one another - just differently. But I think acceptance of it not being what you wanted it to be is necessary to achieve that.

There are a number of wonderful people in my life who came by way of the possibility of being a 'couple.' That was not to be, but there is great love between us anyway. I feel very fortunate in this regard.

There are also some people I just don't care to have in my life so you can't win 'em all; but when it comes together it can be very good.

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RE: girl needs some advise please... - 4/10/2004 1:17:01 PM

Voltare

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These words are usually only of value in hindsight... but I will offer them anyway.

Being happy, doesnt mean giving up who you are. Healthy relationships have nothing to do with sacrificing basic goals, like children, work, friends, or bad hai-ku if any of these elements are essential to your sense of self. If one of the most important things in my life is to be able to sleep in on saturday, and a woman I have been dating, absolutely finds it essential for me to be up at 4 am to go hiking with her every saturday...then we simply are not compatible.

The advice we can offer, only amounts to what you have told us... I know people often use an excuse such as children, or work, or other goals to end relationships, when the real reason is entirely different, or even unknown to them. Relationships, like people, are meant to grow and live... when they spend long periods on life support, they tend to fade.

Again, nothing any of us can say will ease your pain, but take heart that others have been down that same road,a nd lived to tell the tale - just as you will in time.

Stephan

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