How does a submissive determine that a dominant is worth submitting to?

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How does a submissive determine that a dominant is wort... - 7/28/2013 10:40:57 PM

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For female submissives:
When meeting a male dominant for the first time, what is your screening process like? How much chemistry must be in place?

For male submissives, same question?

Sometimes I feel like male submissives may do better if they played a little more "hard to get" for lack of a better word. We had a lively discussion on FL a few years ago actually and I think the premise was, "What if male subs cherished/protected their submission like women protected their virginity."

It was great until it broke down when it turned into a debate about whether or not women do or should or should not cherish their virginity blah blah, but people know what the general "sentiment" is about. Why go around just trying to offer up your submission to the first woman who will take it? Instead, be super selective about it, even if you are dying to give it away.

(Granted, we know a LOT of subs are VERY selective, especially the ones on this side, but on the other side, especially novices or those with 'sub frenzy' this is a good conversation to put out there). Sometimes for male subs eager to get a taste (or, another taste), it seems that the first thing on the list as far as compatibility goes is "1. I am sub, you are femdom, let's party!"

Subs, what are your criteria, when it comes down to it? How well do you have to know someone and what kind of attraction must be in place before you will submit?

Akasha

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RE: How does a submissive determine that a dominant is ... - 7/29/2013 12:55:07 AM

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I am one who can't just submit myself to just anyone. For me, things like intelligence,class,respect and fairness are all things I find to be very important. Women like that, I will submit myself 100%. But the idea I will just submit myself to the first Lady who walks through the door, would be foolish on my part.

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RE: How does a submissive determine that a dominant is ... - 7/29/2013 1:11:03 AM

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If I think at the end of an initial meeting that this guy might have 'something' (chemistry?), then I'll see him again.

We do vanilla dating for quite a while (6 months in Master's case) and get to know each other, to see if we are compatible as people. Then we introduce a bit of kink and we can decide if we click on a D/s level.

That's about it, really. I find the incompatibilities arise quite quickly if I do it this way. There's the guys who want a quick game of 'hide the sausage' who give up after several weeks of hand-holding with no chance of sex. Then there's the 'instadoms' who are mostly looking to get their kink on without the hassle of a romantic relationship - they give up after a couple of months of vanilla dating.

I did it this way because it works for me. In fact, it worked so well that Master and I plan to spend the rest of our lives together

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RE: How does a submissive determine that a dominant is ... - 7/29/2013 1:14:43 AM

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I look for the same things I would in a vanilla girlfriend. Every time I've spoken to a domme, I've not talked about kink but rather what we have in common. I think that if I wouldn't be interested in going on a date then I shouldn't be offering to submit to someone.

Playing hard to get is a nice idea, but not really doable on Collarme with the amount of people trying to take your spot! I got talking to a Domme recently and we seemed to be hitting it off. She asked me to Skype, but I was working and couldn't. I explained the situation, offered to Skype over the weekend just gone, and haven't heard from her since lol. It's a jungle out there!

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RE: How does a submissive determine that a dominant is ... - 7/29/2013 1:41:28 AM

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I question the inference that being hard to get is at all unusual.

Let's have a show of hands.

Ok, first, Hard to get?

Ok, now, I'll do anyone! ANY one. Even YOU!

I don't think we need to count. It's not even close.

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RE: How does a submissive determine that a dominant is ... - 7/29/2013 2:42:25 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

When meeting a ... dominant for the first time, what is your screening process like? How much chemistry must be in place?

I don't see the idea of "meeting" as being clear cut. Prior to meeting F2F, we'll each have checked the other out online. That includes checking up on collarme and fet posts, and reading each other's profiles. That will involved usually a week or more of emails and phone conversations.

The meeting itself is nothing more than an important step along the way. I won't meet until I have a good feeling about her, and she about me.

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RE: How does a submissive determine that a dominant is ... - 7/29/2013 3:05:44 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: myotherself

If I think at the end of an initial meeting that this guy might have 'something' (chemistry?), then I'll see him again.

We do vanilla dating for quite a while (6 months in Master's case) and get to know each other, to see if we are compatible as people. Then we introduce a bit of kink and we can decide if we click on a D/s level.

That's about it, really. I find the incompatibilities arise quite quickly if I do it this way. There's the guys who want a quick game of 'hide the sausage' who give up after several weeks of hand-holding with no chance of sex. Then there's the 'instadoms' who are mostly looking to get their kink on without the hassle of a romantic relationship - they give up after a couple of months of vanilla dating.

I did it this way because it works for me. In fact, it worked so well that Master and I plan to spend the rest of our lives together

How about 3 months, wow 6 months! You go girl! lol. In all seriousness I think this is an excellent way to go about it. If you want more then just kink, want something meaningful and deep, someone who is really into you, he/she will wait. Excellent way to weed out sausage sliders and superficial BSers. Lets face it, people will say anything and everything to get what they want, even expressing feelings they truly don't have to get the prize, once its had, many will quickly change. When someone waits, the possibility of it becoming or being the real stuff is significantly higher.

< Message edited by chatterbox24 -- 7/29/2013 3:07:14 AM >

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RE: How does a submissive determine that a dominant is ... - 7/29/2013 5:19:44 AM

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My criteria is the same as for a vanilla realtionship. I have to know they are intelligent, have a sense of humour, are compassionate and kind and maybe a bit dippy too :-) The dippy bit really brings out my protective side for a woman. She must have naturally confident authority (outside of kink) as I am naturally submissive. For the right partner, if they wanted to, I'd let them take care of all the finances (even if we both work), I can earn ok so would be happy to be a provider and let my partner be the organiser if I can see she makes better decisions. I couldn't ever get into 24/7 though as am too free spirited, but the undertones of my lady being in overall charge is fine with me. I have female friends I defer to and some I don't, I expect we all have relationships like that :-) When I say defer, I kind of mean I have learnt over the years it's safer, most of the time, to agree and not argue ;-)

To get my full submissiveness (love), I need to be loved back. If we are feeling loved, then we do almost anything for our partners eh, from running late night shopping errands to fixing up their homes, doing your best to make sure they are happy and safe :-)

I personally need a strong minded woman as I can be periodically free spirited but I do respond well to a firm voice so am not hard work for a strong woman if that makes sense. I'm guessing somewhere in my childhood, I was terrified by someone shouting at me and I have a submissive reflex when am told off still to this day :-/ I don't need that much telling off though thankfully and it's not something I enjoy. In the right moments, I will be the dominant one. i.e. it might be that you have to send your partner back to bed of they are ill and this sometimes requires being a bit bossy.

The main thing is you have to have that chemistry, everything else just follows naturally :-)

< Message edited by jola37 -- 7/29/2013 5:24:55 AM >

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RE: How does a submissive determine that a dominant is ... - 7/29/2013 6:23:03 AM

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Myotherself,
I like your general thinking, but several weeks of handholding is far too long for me...

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RE: How does a submissive determine that a dominant is ... - 7/29/2013 6:35:38 AM

VoluptuousVenus

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quote:

ORIGINAL: jola37

My criteria is the same as for a vanilla realtionship. I have to know they are intelligent, have a sense of humour, are compassionate and kind and maybe a bit dippy too :-)

I'm not submissive, so my perspective might be all screwy, but I agree with this. I think that D/s should mean something. I'm even particular about my clients, so I certainly don't want to spend my personal time with a guy who wouldn't meet my vanilla standards.

(in reply to jola37)

RE: How does a submissive determine that a dominant is ... - 7/29/2013 6:58:23 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ARIES83

Myotherself,
I like your general thinking, but several weeks of handholding is far too long for me...

It was nearly too long for me!

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RE: How does a submissive determine that a dominant is ... - 7/29/2013 11:13:01 AM

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I don't play casually. So when I was looking for someone, yes he also needed to list bondage as his top fetish. Beyond that, he had to be someone I could like and respect. Which meant he couldn't be a Republican. It also meant he had to be involved with his kids. Because I have no respect for guys who don't spend time with their offspring, don't pay child support, etc.

These kinds of things came first. One that was established, then came meeting and seeing if there was chemistry.

But I couldn't have done six months of hand holding either. We were all over each other that first meet.

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 7/29/2013 11:17:33 AM >

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RE: How does a submissive determine that a dominant is ... - 7/29/2013 11:35:38 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: myotherself

We do vanilla dating for quite a while (6 months in Master's case) and get to know each other, to see if we are compatible as people. Then we introduce a bit of kink and we can decide if we click on a D/s level.

This is pretty much us, too.

Even though we had known each other as friends for years, we vanilla dated for about a month before bringing kink or sex into it. (Several times a week)

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RE: How does a submissive determine that a dominant is ... - 7/29/2013 11:57:41 AM

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quote:

I don't play casually. So when I was looking for someone, yes he also needed to list bondage as his top fetish. Beyond that, he had to be someone I could like and respect. Which meant he couldn't be a Republican. It also meant he had to be involved with his kids. Because I have no respect for guys who don't spend time with their offspring, don't pay child support, etc.

This, or parents - I have a lot of respect for my man after observing him with his elderly parents.

His profile conveyed his intelligence, as did his emails and our first date - which lasted 4.5 hours. I really liked and respected him on a vanilla level before we made it to the bedroom, which I was ready for well before it happened, but I let him set the pace.

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RE: How does a submissive determine that a dominant is ... - 7/29/2013 12:28:37 PM

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It's a very scientific process, things just fall into place. In my case proximity, schedules, educational background, disposition, and mutual attraction lined up. In terms of it being a secondary relationship, it helped that we were both already married.

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 7/29/2013 12:29:45 PM >

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RE: How does a submissive determine that a dominant is ... - 7/29/2013 7:40:55 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
When meeting a dominant for the first time, what is your screening process like? How much chemistry must be in place?

First and foremost, I read and re-read their profile. Red flags for me include poor grammar and spelling, references to drugs and any kind of fin-domme innuendos. (Been there, done that, got my heart broken, wrote a book. Yay.) Then it's their age and pictures: if she's old enough to be my mother and/or wouldn't be able to keep up with me on a 5-mile run, it probably wouldn't work out in the long term. (I'm not a size-ist, it's just that back home most folks were mighty athletic...) Personal philosophy and politics matter as well: I don't think I'd be able to have any relationship outside of dungeon with someone who adores Ayn Rand or Twilight and believes in intelligent design or 9/11 conspiracies.

Those criteria eliminate the vast majority of available profiles, but in the end I know that I'm at least somewhat drift-compatible with that person.

quote:

Sometimes I feel like male submissives may do better if they played a little more "hard to get" for lack of a better word. We had a lively discussion on FL a few years ago actually and I think the premise was, "What if male subs cherished/protected their submission like women protected their virginity."

That thread sounds great! Is there any chance you could find the link to it? I have my own pet hypothesis on this: those who play hard to get stand out in the crowd, regardless of their gender and orientation. They probably won't be swayed by one-liners from rampaging hordes of kinky lemmings and would probably connect better to a kindred spirit if s/he were to message them.

Personally, it's not that I play hard to get - it's just that I have standards and self esteem. For example, after a certain vacuum bed incident at a local party that, ahem, accentuated certain parts of my anatomy, I literally ended up running away from groups of stalkers (mostly of the female, desperate-housewife persuasion), just like in that Benny Hill show, only without the theme music. They just wouldn't take no for an answer!

I'm sure quite a few guys would have taken advantage of that fleeting, undeserved fame, but to me it just seemed unsportsmanlike: there was no challenge, no connection, no long-term possibilities except for a couple of "booty call" phone numbers.

To those of you wondering - yes, I do find a great Domme every now and then. The ends justify the means - and then some.

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RE: How does a submissive determine that a dominant is ... - 7/29/2013 10:57:54 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Sometimes I feel like male submissives may do better if they played a little more "hard to get" for lack of a better word. We had a lively discussion on FL a few years ago actually and I think the premise was, "What if male subs cherished/protected their submission like women protected their virginity."

I am not sure what you mean by "hard to get." My feeling is, just be real and don't really go too deeply into the kinky stuff online. The only person for online conversations, in my opinion, is to vet the other oerson to see if they are worth meeting. So I tend to keep the online exchanges fairly vanilla and try to move to a real life meeting as soon as possible.

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RE: How does a submissive determine that a dominant is ... - 7/30/2013 3:35:37 AM

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I have issues with playing hard to get. Mainly because I see it as playing games with people, and I don't care to do that. If I don't stand out on my personality, then so be it. I won't pretend something i'm not - and that would, I guess, be aloof and distant. Heck, as a submissive, I would guess that most of my ilk aren't aloof and distant.

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RE: How does a submissive determine that a dominant is ... - 7/30/2013 6:30:16 AM

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I've always said the Ds world is the same as the vanilla dating world.
Depending on what we are both after is how it will go. I will usually know if they other person is just wanting some kink fun or more.
If kink fun then its anything but being tied up. As you need some control. Yes, even being a submissive you need some control especially if its just a night of fun.

If its going to be a relationship, then it will be at least a few weeks if not more of dating to see how we get along etc.

As for cherishing virginity, I was nearly 22 when I lost it.

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RE: How does a submissive determine that a dominant is ... - 7/30/2013 5:02:45 PM

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By his personality. Yeah...that's it. We dated and got to know one another...just plain old fashioned dates. Call me old.

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