RE: How will you know if a person claiming to be a dom is REALLY a dom?

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RE: How will you know if a person claiming to be a dom ... - 8/4/2013 4:03:21 PM

littlewonder

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If you have to ask then they aren't.

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RE: How will you know if a person claiming to be a dom ... - 8/4/2013 6:24:02 PM

DaddySatyr

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The following was a post on these forums maybe as long as 8 years ago. It was definitely 7 years go:

***************************************************************************************************
Quote:

ORIGINAL: XxxxxxxxXxxxx

Dom is just a title that some people hang on themselves.

***************************************************************************************************

This is something, which I have talked/posted about extensively. This is, exactly what's at issue!

"Dom" should NOT be " ... just a title that some people hang on themselves.". It should a person that holds themselves to
a certain set of standards and behaviors.

True enough, since everyone's idea of what makes a good dominant would be different, the standards would be different
but, I like to think that there are some basics, upon which most of us could agree...

Loyalty-- faithful; as to a person, cause, ideal or duty. Some may think this is subjective, personally, I don't. While my
beliefs, friendships, or long-term goals may change, on some things, my duty (to be the best person I can be and to do no
intentional harm to others) never changes.

Duty--Moral obligation. Once again; this is something that each of us most decide for ourselves but, if we adhere to it, I
have found, that we become people with a purpose.

Respect--To avoid violation of. I don't have to hold any person (or their opinions) up to be of any particular value. I am
required (by my own set of values) to not violate that person or their beliefs. I can disagree (as I frequently do) but, I am
not allowed to ridicule or intentionally offend.

Service--being of use or value to others. How many "dominants" (notice the quotation marks) are cringing, right now?
How many are looking down their noses at me? Before we can become leaders, we need to know how to serve. The
common belief that this lifestyle is all about me is correct, as long as I am not all about me. If I am a compassionate human
being who is bent on making the world (or my little corner of it) a better place, then, a submissive that makes it "all about
me" is not only serving my foolish caprices (There'll still be some of those) but, serving the community/her fellow human
being. That's a good thing!

Honor--High respect; esteem. This is one that is lost on a good many people, in general. Why am I honest? Because I honor
the truth. Why do I set a certain set of standards for my behavior? Because I honor this lifestyle (or my parents or
whomever raised me). Somewhere along the line, people, in general have let certain things like honor slip by the wayside.

Integrity--Doing what's right, even when it causes you pain and even when no one's looking. How many people that we
know can't even manage to cop to a simple truth? Where's the integrity?

Personal Courage--facing/challenging your fears and turning their defeat into your strength. We can't, as people, remain
stagnant. Even if we're "happy with who we are", we have to keep evolving, on a personal level or we get dragged down
into the mud.

I am not claiming that I invented these principles. Far from it. I am claiming that in order for me to recognize someone as a
dominant, they have to incorporate these things into their lives/behavior.

If you take each first letter, you'll notice that a (Poetic license taken) "word" gets spelled out: "L.D.R.S.H.I.P.
(Leadership)". Are we, as dominants, not supposed to be the "leaders" of our submissives? By giving their submission,
haven't our submissives said: "I want you to guide and nurture who I am and help make me into who I can be"?

I know this is going to raise some eyebrows and, Xxxxxxxx, this post was NOT meant to ridicule what you said but, that
one sentence, in my opinion, is at the crux of the issue.

As always, peace and comfort,

Michael

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RE: How will you know if a person claiming to be a dom ... - 8/4/2013 7:18:43 PM

ARIES83

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I tend to like Stan Smith's(from American Dad) take on what makes someone a man:
Strength, Bravery and Honour.
I think those things would be a worthy thing for anyone to strive for... In my opinion, for a Dom, thats a great place to start.
Another good quote from that episode ("cops and rodger") is "sometimes strength can be having power, but not using it..." (Hopfully I remembered that right)
I'm sure some people will think finding wisdom in cartoons and the like is a funny idea, but you can find wisdom in anything as long as your open to seeing it.
My view of what a Dom is, is closely tied to the ideals I feel a man should place value on, but I am the first to admit that my view isn't all there is.
DS,
At a glance I like that post, thanks.
I will have a better read when I'm not racing to get to work!

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RE: How will you know if a person claiming to be a dom ... - 8/4/2013 10:16:40 PM

Teacher74

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I think one of the best ways to find out if someone is really who they claim to be is to confront them.
I tell my newbies that it is okay to ask for references. Ask the Dom for phone numbers to His subs He has had or already has.
If he can't come up with any or gives you an excuse why you can't talk to them, then He is a fake or at the very least, he is hoping to find his first sub guinea pig.

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RE: How will you know if a person claiming to be a dom ... - 8/4/2013 10:23:39 PM

DesFIP

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Nonsense. A man who just ended a twenty year marriage isn't going to have you call his ex wife.

References are for play partners.

Relationships take time. You date and learn about each other and decide if he has the qualities you need to trust and admire and respect him. There is no short cut, like a reference, that will answer that because each of us have different qualities we require in a partner.

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RE: How will you know if a person claiming to be a dom ... - 8/5/2013 8:26:38 AM

kalikshama

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Must have Dom chair:

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RE: How will you know if a person claiming to be a dom ... - 8/5/2013 8:48:37 AM

JeffBC

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr

Are we, as dominants, not supposed to be the "leaders" of our submissives?

*laughs* i'm the guy who's original nick was "leadership527" so yeah, I sympathize. But honestly I always felt like that viewpoint was at odds with the general sense of things. I think in some cases a submissive is looking for a leader. In other cases she's looking for someone sadistic. In other cases she's looking for <fill in the blank>.

I stopped bothering to write, "If I wanted to learn about leadership I'd go to the business section of the book store." That's not what people want.

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RE: How will you know if a person claiming to be a dom ... - 8/5/2013 10:10:31 AM

DaddySatyr

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quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr

Are we, as dominants, not supposed to be the "leaders" of our submissives?

*laughs* i'm the guy who's original nick was "leadership527" so yeah, I sympathize. But honestly I always felt like that viewpoint was at odds with the general sense of things. I think in some cases a submissive is looking for a leader. In other cases she's looking for someone sadistic. In other cases she's looking for <fill in the blank>.

I think that just because someone is looking for a sadist, doesn't mean that they're looking for a dominant.

You know me well enough to know that I'm a logophile. So, I was answering the question (re-phrased): "What is a dominant?" I don't think being sadist requires the same kind of personality traits that being a dominant requires.

Well, wait. There are all kinds of sadists so, I guess there really aren't any requirements; just those of the masochist that is going to engage with the particular sadist.

Anyway, I stand by my assertion that the way I understand the word "dominant", they are supposed to take lead in the relationship. I guess the long and short of it is that any lady that doesn't see it that way isn't a good match for me.

Regards,

Jim Jones

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RE: How will you know if a person claiming to be a dom ... - 8/5/2013 6:17:56 PM

ARIES83

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After reading that post you pasted, I would add that, that is not describing so much what I'd call a dom but prince charming, a very fanciful perhaps over the top list of qualities in my opinion but hey... If you did tick all those boxes, it wouldn't be anything to look down on!
It could probably be made a bit more down to earth with the addition of a heap of caveats.

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RE: How will you know if a person claiming to be a dom ... - 8/6/2013 5:43:50 AM

kiwisub12

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OP - when it comes down to it, a dom is who he says he is.

The real question is, "Is he the dom for you?"

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RE: How will you know if a person claiming to be a dom ... - 8/6/2013 8:35:02 AM

JeffBC

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ARIES83
After reading that post you pasted, I would add that, that is not describing so much what I'd call a dom but prince charming

I say this all the time when someone asks that stupid question, "What are the characteristics of a leader?"

Inevitably you get this laundry list of crap that sounds like some sort of fairy tale. That immediately makes me ponder folks like Hitler, Mussolini, Jim Jones, etc. If we're talking about dominance = leadership here then there's only two characteristics I'm aware of.

A) You need to be going somewhere.
B) You need to be able to convince other people to follow you.

Beyond that we're talking desired flavor.

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RE: How will you know if a person claiming to be a dom ... - 8/9/2013 10:32:25 PM

AlexDom3

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I agree with what DaddySatyr is saying here.

That said, before I met those standards (I hope), I considered myself a dom. I now no longer consider the person I was at that time to be a dom, but merely a top. The fact of the matter is that the term means different things to different people, and while it would be nice if the community had a consistent definition, we don't. Thus, questions like the one in the original post aren't really answerable, because first you need to explain what you mean by "dom".

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RE: How will you know if a person claiming to be a dom ... - 8/11/2013 4:33:46 PM

Endivius

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Don't get caught up in labels. You should look for someone that fulfills your needs, satisfies your desires and compliments your life. This is true of both vanilla and kinky interests. If you feel drawn to this person, intimately more to satisfy him or her then, the submission will fall into place naturally. It probably won't be anything like the pornography and literature you've been exposed to. It will be intangible and ethereal. When it is there you will certainly know it, and it will be with the wait.

The best way to find someone is locally, but be aware that your search should not be limited to that alone. Use cm, FL, go to munches get involved in the community around you and meet people. I've been searching over a year now and while I have had a number of sparks fly and ignite into some very intense and enjoyable relationships I've also had some disasters. It is no different for us than it is for vanilla folks we just have a smaller net to fish with.

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RE: How will you know if a person claiming to be a dom ... - 8/11/2013 9:15:14 PM

incubusboy

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I see this question on every kink site. I hear exactly the same question on nearly every subject there is.

How do I know the person I'm sleeping with is my lover? How do I know what she means when she says she loves me? How do I know if this marinara sauce is real Italian?

These questions are sort-of about their subject, but they really express a misunderstanding of what language is and what it does. We use words to come as close as we can to capture our experience, whether real experience in the world around us or imaginative experience in our own heads.

Experience is what it is. We use language to try to keep up. It never was the other way around, where words CONTAIN a reality that we aspire to. That's what Plato suggested, that every real thing is an imperfect form of a perfect ideal that exists only on some "higher plane." Every slice of pie is pretty good, but none of them are as good as the perfect idea of pie.

Bullshit, Plato. Your experience is real, and your powers of language enable you to share that experience with others. If you have limited language skills, your expression will be limited. If you have extensive language skills, you will share more. Never all, but more.

SO, what's a "real" dom? No one such thing. Deep kink or artificial vanilla, the questions remains the same. WHO can you get along with? WHO can you enjoy? WHOM can you please? WHO will love you? WHOM will you love? Who can make you cum like Jesus on a flaming snowboard?

Being kink is not a way to skip over the ordinary human search for connection and meaning. We all have the same journey to make. Some of us just have more specific enthusiasms and toys.

YOUR real dom cares who you are and what works for you. Even if that's a bullshit artist who collects damaged women to abuse.

I hope for your sake your real dom is more of a human than that. But I don't know, nor does anyone until you know.

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RE: How will you know if a person claiming to be a dom ... - 8/12/2013 8:55:30 AM

JeffBC

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quote:

ORIGINAL: incubusboy
Being kink is not a way to skip over the ordinary human search for connection and meaning. We all have the same journey to make. Some of us just have more specific enthusiasms and toys.

Nominated for sunny quote of the day (not bad for a newcomer ~grin~)

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RE: How will you know if a person claiming to be a dom ... - 8/12/2013 6:00:46 PM

littlewonder

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I second that

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RE: How will you know if a person claiming to be a dom ... - 8/13/2013 3:30:00 PM

MarcEsadrian

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quote:

ORIGINAL: iamhany

Sorry for the long subject here.. Since I'm new here, I was just curious on how will I know if a guy is really a dom?

I'm not saying this is an all-encompassing definition, but it might give you some insight.

Short version? Find a man who is actualized in his penchant for control and his desire to dominate his women. Find a man who will not be manipulated. The latter point often reveals a scarcity of men after its weighed carefully, but women who appreciate men who will not succumb to feminine wiles are equally rare. With that in mind, ask yourself if you are able to handle a dominant male or if what you seek is, in the end, nothing more than a facade you can easily direct. The inward reflection is always the first step. Purity will find purity. Chimeras will court chimeras all the way down.

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RE: How will you know if a person claiming to be a dom ... - 8/13/2013 4:27:43 PM

ARIES83

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Interesting post Marc! And thanks for that link.

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RE: How will you know if a person claiming to be a dom ... - 8/13/2013 6:00:34 PM

deliriuminabox

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Teacher74

I think one of the best ways to find out if someone is really who they claim to be is to confront them.
I tell my newbies that it is okay to ask for references. Ask the Dom for phone numbers to His subs He has had or already has.
If he can't come up with any or gives you an excuse why you can't talk to them, then He is a fake or at the very least, he is hoping to find his first sub guinea pig.

I'm sorry but in my experience, this is bad advice at best. The most abusive man I ever found myself in a relationship with has a list of "references" as long as my arm. He gave me the numbers of 5 different women he'd played with prior to meeting me and every one of them described him as a wonderful dominant, a perfect gentleman and a sweet teddy bear. References don't mean a thing. People can and do lie or at the very least only give you the names of women they've never had any negative interactions with.

Also this:

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Nonsense. A man who just ended a twenty year marriage isn't going to have you call his ex wife.

References are for play partners.

Relationships take time. You date and learn about each other and decide if he has the qualities you need to trust and admire and respect him. There is no short cut, like a reference, that will answer that because each of us have different qualities we require in a partner.

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RE: How will you know if a person claiming to be a dom ... - 8/14/2013 4:33:19 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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Another excellent post, incubus. If I haven't already done so, I welcome you to the forum side. Your posts make for insightful additions to our discussions.

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