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New to this...advice please - 8/4/2013 1:34:34 PM

nillabean11

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I recently met a man I am very interested in..he tapped into something I had never explored before..my desire to be dominant and shared his very strong desire to be sub...since this is all new I am quite unsure if even basics of beginning requests while we are building trust and our relationship..another problem is we are currently long distance...we are both eager to try this tpe but are wondering how to begin with baby steps..please help...

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RE: New to this...advice please - 8/4/2013 1:41:39 PM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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Don't go tpe. Do it little by little as you learn more about each others lives. As you see what works and what doesn't. And it means almost all the responsibility is on you to think of all possible outcomes, to keep his schedule in mind at all times. And if he doesn't know his schedule in advance, then most orders you'll give could well conflict with his job. Planning to pay his bills until he can get a new one after you make him lose this one?

Most of all, communicate openly about how you both felt.

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RE: New to this...advice please - 8/4/2013 9:44:39 PM

AthenaSurrenders

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quote:

ORIGINAL: nillabean11

I recently met a man I am very interested in..he tapped into something I had never explored before..my desire to be dominant and shared his very strong desire to be sub...since this is all new I am quite unsure if even basics of beginning requests while we are building trust and our relationship..another problem is we are currently long distance...we are both eager to try this tpe but are wondering how to begin with baby steps..please help...

Can you please rephrase the bolded part, I don't understand it.

I know this isn't what you are hoping for, but do what feels right. If you need more time to build trust and get to know each other, take it. I assume you have met in person to check there is chemistry? Because it will be hugely disappointing if you set up this deep exciting relationship and turn out not to like each other in the flesh. Happens all the time.

TPE to me is 'marriage and a mortgage' level of commitment to a person, ie. it doesn't go with 'I recently met a man'. You don't need to start out TPE from day one, even if that's where you hope to get in the end. Take it slowly. Take charge of one thing at a time, discuss how it's going, be prepared to adapt it. Don't start out with tons of rules and understand that because this is a new relationship, and because you don't see each other every day, some of your rules will turn out to be unsuitable and need changing. You can change the rules, it's not undomly. As you learn more about each other's lives, personalities, schedules etc you will have to adapt your ideas about how D/s should look.

Remember if you are in charge of every aspect of his life, you are also responsible for it. Think about that. His health, his employment, his bills, his home, his network of friends. Think hard about every new rule or project and whether it will strengthen or potentially damage these areas of his life. Pick rules that actually matter to you, not just things you think make you sound dominant.

As long as you are both committed to working things out, you will get there. Just take your time and communicate constantly, and get rid of preconceived ideas of how this relationship 'should' look. If you are both feeling happy and secure, you are doing in right. If not, you're doing it wrong.

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RE: New to this...advice please - 8/4/2013 11:02:06 PM

nillabean11

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Thank you both..had a good honest discussion tonight and taking your advice...starting slow..working on the trust and step by step...when we are together physically then we can look into the extremes of tpe until then we are feelung it out and keepung communication open and honest..again thanks

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RE: New to this...advice please - 8/5/2013 9:15:14 AM

JeffBC

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From: Canada
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
Don't go tpe. Do it little by little as you learn more about each others lives.

Bingo.

For starters, given the newness here, how does anyone know they WANT TPE? Sure, I can see putting it up there as a possible goal. That's what Carol and I did. But the actuality of it needs to play out to see if the theory and the practice line up. Secondly, actual trust and actual respect (as opposed to the BDSM versions) take actual time to build up. TPE requires a LOT of both.

OP: Carol and I transitioned from Vanilla to TPE (and then sort of out again -- the current state). In the beginning we treated it as an experiment. There were time limits set and specific areas. Frankly, I only wanted to command in reasonably safe areas until I'd gotten a feel for things. But really, how far wrong could I go with, "I'd like spaghetti for dinner tonight mine." It was safe and that's the point.

As confidence and trust and whatnot built up we expanded out... gradually... very gradually. I wouldn't say we hit anything like what I'd call TPE till about 3 years. Now, in my case I had a LOT to lose (a really good decade+ marriage). So I was highly motivated to go slow and do the job right. My motto was, "I have a lifetime to get it right but one mistake could cost me my marriage." I was perfectly willing to go back and rip out three rows in my foundation to get to a bad brick and then gradually build up again. Getting it right was key. There was no prize for getting it fast.

Now, you two are long distance and I generally feel like TPE or anything like it over distance is a fool's errand. The reason for that is you just don't know enough about what's going on. I live under the same roof with Carol. I know A LOT about both her and her life on a moment by moment basis. You don't have that so your field of "safe" commands is limited. Given the dangers because you're driving 98% blind, I'd recommend a strongly worded command about "I don't expect you to be an idiot. If I give you some command and actual real life gets in the way I don't want you to lose your job, affront your family, shock your friends, or in general become an ass."

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