How do most D/s relationship start?

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How do most D/s relationship start? - 8/4/2013 9:47:09 PM

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I am very new to bdsm and I'm having a bit of difficulty already because of the approach. I am not submissive in life (not dominant either-more mellow, laidback and a little goofy) but I am submissive in a relationship. I have never been 'collared' or trained.
I have been searching for a Dom and it seems like the Doms that I am meeting jump in head first. On the first meeting sometimes even the first conversation I am asked if I 'want to be theirs', am 'ready to submit' or 'want a spanking'. It is always something along those lines. I don't want to be rude but all I can think is that they are crazy, wanting a booty call, or full of crap because why would I want any of those things when I don't even know you.
To me submission not only feels like a commitment but also requires a certain level of trust. Neither of which can be obtained in one meeting or even two really. I am looking to develop a vanilla relationship. Date for a while to determine if we are compatible 'learn' each other first before jumping into any BDSM activities.
My question is how do I find a Dom that wants the same thing? Also is this abnormal in bdsm to start off that way? Should I maybe just look for a vanilla guy and then see if he would be willing to bring it into the relationship? I would rather not because I would rather have it understood from the start that this is something that I want and also because I would rather someone with some experience. Also, I am not sure what dynamic of bdsm interests me. I have been leaning more towards TIH and the 50s but it is hard to say because I don't have any experience.

RE: How do most D/s relationship start? - 8/4/2013 9:56:05 PM

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First of all, are these meetings in person or online? Most D/s relationships I've seen start out in pretty much the same way all do: you meet someone, decide if you like them, they reciprocate the feeling, and you move on to the next step. The only difference is seeking out someone whose tastes are a little kinkier than most. Have you been to munches? What's your local scene like? In order to give you a clearer answer we'll need more background information.

< Message edited by MasterCaneman -- 8/4/2013 9:57:36 PM >

_____________________________

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(in reply to abygail)

RE: How do most D/s relationship start? - 8/4/2013 10:08:34 PM

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I met a Dom from online in person and I talked to a different one over the phone on another occasion. I found both to be 'forward' in a 'distasteful' kind of way. As far as I know there is one regular munch in my area. I have been a few times and I enjoyed the experience but it is mostly couples, subs and a few Really old guys that are Doms....and I don't have a problem with being in a relationship with an older man (within reason) but when I say old I mean like my grandfathers age. What do you mean background information?

(in reply to MasterCaneman)

RE: How do most D/s relationship start? - 8/4/2013 10:09:58 PM

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How do you find a Dom that wants the same thing? Go to munch and let people know you want to nilla' date first before you explore anything else.

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RE: How do most D/s relationship start? - 8/4/2013 10:29:07 PM

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So when they start in on sex and play tell them to stop. Tell them you're looking for more than a hook up and you're not willing to have sex until after a relationship has been established. That you won't allow hormones to cloud your mind so you are not having sex until you've dated at least three months.

Now most of them will disappear at that. But a guy you like, who likes you back, who you can talk to easily should accept that.
It's not any different with a non kinky man either, most of them are focused on getting laid immediately also.

Oh and if there's a TNG munch near you, that would help. As they're restricted to people under 35.

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RE: How do most D/s relationship start? - 8/4/2013 10:39:17 PM

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Ok and Thank You for your help.

(in reply to DesFIP)

RE: How do most D/s relationship start? - 8/5/2013 12:45:34 AM

AthenaSurrenders

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It sounds like you have common sense so if you carry on the way you are going, you'll be fine. I'd say that your judgement is correct - if they are asking you to 'be theirs' in the first conversation they are either looking for easy sex or they are a fantasist with an unrealistic idea of how dom/sub relationships work. It's frustrating to have to sort through tons of people who are looking for different things, but just keep being honest and being yourself. Do keep going to the munches - even if no one at the munch is a good match for you, they all have friends, new people will come along, and a good reputation as a nice interesting person can only help you.

Because you are young and fairly new to the whole thing people who are just looking to use you might think you are an easy target, so unfortunately you might get more attention from unsuitable partners than other people. Not to mention slim and pretty, meaning you will appeal to a lot of people. Just keep hold of that self-respect, and never fall for someone telling you how a sub 'must' act. You owe them nothing more than common courtesy.

Just from this thread you appear to be ahead of the crowd on this one. Good luck, and I hope you stick around the forums and join in some threads.

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(in reply to abygail)

RE: How do most D/s relationship start? - 8/5/2013 5:09:59 AM

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Hi, abygail. Welcome to the site.

The good news is that you've got it and understand what you want. The bad news is that a heckuva lot of men you're encountering don't. IMO, that's due to two things: the Internet makes for a lot of people who want instant gratification, and a lot of men calling themselves Doms simply want easy sex and don't know or don't care about the mental and emotional side of the lifestyle.

"all I can think is that they are crazy, wanting a booty call, or full of crap because why would I want any of those things when I don't even know you. " Don't rule out stupid. Also, they may be inexperienced as well.

"To me submission not only feels like a commitment but also requires a certain level of trust. Neither of which can be obtained in one meeting or even two really. I am looking to develop a vanilla relationship. Date for a while to determine if we are compatible 'learn' each other first before jumping into any BDSM activities. " Sorta. It should be a lot like vanilla, but, if you just can't see yourself submitting to him even if you click vanilla-wise, it's not going to work.

"My question is how do I find a Dom that wants the same thing? " Meeting them at munches and play parties has several advantages. You get many of the Internet warriors screened out, and anyone with a bad reputation will be screened out as well.

"Should I maybe just look for a vanilla guy and then see if he would be willing to bring it into the relationship?" No. Don't do that. I've seen a lot of messages from women who are in love with vanillas and can't get satisfied. That's not fair to anyone.

"Also, I am not sure what dynamic of bdsm interests me." Yep, you just need some experience. Also, if you do join local groups, you'll have the opportunity to see various dynamics in action and see how you respond to watching them.

_____________________________

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

RE: How do most D/s relationship start? - 8/5/2013 7:28:43 AM

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That was it. A lot of times we get requests for advice without knowing if it's real-time or online. You answered it. And others have chimed in with great advice already.

_____________________________

Age and treachery will always overcome youth and ambition.

The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting. ~ Sun Tzu

Goddess Wrangler

(in reply to abygail)

RE: How do most D/s relationship start? - 8/5/2013 8:58:25 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: abygail
Ok and Thank You for your help.

IF I were looking I'd be looking for someone sort of like you (ignoring age bracket, etc.). How your profile would catch my eye would be because it reads like the description of a real human rather than something from 50 shades. Yours is pretty good but I'd appreciate a bit more information about "a day in the life". People use that word "Dom" and it means lots and lots of different things so a bit of clarity there would help. Is this a bedroom only thing for you? Do you see yourself submitting outside the bedroom? What sort of guy are you looking for?

I'd avoid any particular talk of details because I skip over the "too kinky" ones instantly. Consider this the counterpoint to Des' comment. A more or less asexual profile and approach will repel those looking for a quick hookup and attract those looking for a long-term relationship. Sure, fools will still fill your inbox. That's the price of being young and new on this site. So when you chat with them just make it clear up front that you want LTR and that should send them away. You'll know you've done it right when they accuse you of not being a true sub :)

From my own standpoint I have a ton of things I want(ed) in a partner and none of them have to do with sex. Anyone I'd be interested in would be a good enough partner to "work that out". It's the other stuff that's hard.

Most recently TieMeInKnott's (sp?) drew my attention. I'm sure she has sexual concerns also but at least when I read it her profile read like the writings of a mature, well balanced woman focused on a long-term relationship with a dominant male (think head of household) rather than "dom" (think black leather slacks and mechanic boots).

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(in reply to abygail)

RE: How do most D/s relationship start? - 8/5/2013 9:42:03 AM

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Start a D/s relationship the same way you'd start a vanilla one.

I've found friends first works great, but to each their own.

Whether online or not, don't enter into a power exchange dynamic with someone until you know them very well and have laid a mutual foundation of trust and respect. Just like in the vanilla world, that takes time.

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RE: How do most D/s relationship start? - 8/5/2013 11:58:00 AM

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^^^ What she said. ^^^

Get involved in your local BDSM community and meet people with the idea of making friends, not of "finding a dom." After establishing friendships, decide if you'd like any particular friend to become more than a friend. If so, discuss it with him.

Beware of any clown who gives the "Me dom; you sub. Me claim you."

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

RE: How do most D/s relationship start? - 8/5/2013 6:51:02 PM

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I met men...not Doms, not into bdsm but just men. He was either a dominant personality or he wasn't. It just so happened that I met Master on here but we dated just like any other relationship I suppose. Nothing special really. He was just simply in charge from the beginning.

So I would say just meet someone you like and don't worry about the terms. Meet them wherever. Why do you have to stick to just one kind of place? No one says you have to only go out with one man. Go out on dates, meet for a coffee, whatever. If you click you will know it. If you don't then you won't. Just remember, just because you found bdsm does not mean you parked your brain outside the door. If you wouldn't do it before you got into bdsm then you wouldn't do it now, would you? Don't let what's between your legs rule for you.

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RE: How do most D/s relationship start? - 8/6/2013 6:18:43 AM

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quote:

"Should I maybe just look for a vanilla guy and then see if he would be willing to bring it into the relationship?" No. Don't do that. I've seen a lot of messages from women who are in love with vanillas and can't get satisfied. That's not fair to anyone.

Sorry to pick on you DS, but I knew this would come up and you were the first to mention it. I say absolutely try vanilla...20 plus years in the lifestyle and I went back to dating vanilla.

My first Dom who introduced me, I met through a vanilla personal ad. We dated nearly three years before finally moving in together and staying together for seven years. In the beginning things were hot and heavy and finally some of my fantasies were becoming reality. Towards the end, sex was something we used to do. The last two years we slept in different rooms. It went from totally hot to totally vanilla, just two people who shared children and a house payment. Did I learn, nope...after the relationship ended, I continued looking for just Dominant men on media's like collar me. Every single relationship I attempted we had nothing more in common than just the kink and it went like that...for years....If I had a dime for every single person I met who merely asked 'what are you into' in the first half hour of chatting, I could buy another house with cash.

I decided once again to try vanilla, and here I am...we are coming up on our one year anniversary of living together. He had a dominant personality but no kink and sex aside he is a great guy, I would have to say he is my best friend. I enjoy every moment we have together because we have fun together. Now he knew I was into D/s, and liked spankings...(the rest of it I could care less about). I did convince him to spank me and from there it sort of grew. (and nope, he has never attended any classes to teach him how to spank properly, and nope he has never been on any kink sites like Collar Me although we do discuss posts at times). Now I am getting exactly what I crave and he has admitted that a year ago if anyone ever told him he may like spanking a woman he would have laughed. There is a spanking implement in hands reach in various places around our apartment, his favorite a yard stick I spent .69 cents on at Lowe's that he said we should take back. That is about as deep as our kink goes, but...that is all I really need. As for not being satisfied, I would have to say, I would rather be hanging out with my best friend with NO D/s than to be with someone who was just taking care of my sexual needs and having nothing else in common. But I NOW have the best of both worlds, a person I am totally crazy about, someone who cares about me, a born leader and is willing to take the leap and try something new and ended up enjoying it.

I am not saying at all that my way is the only way to go---however, I doubt I am the only one who connected with a vanilla person and had it work perfectly....so it should not be ruled out.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

RE: How do most D/s relationship start? - 8/8/2013 4:17:56 PM

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Thank you all for taking the time to read my post and respond. I appreciate all of your advice.

(in reply to lilcracker)

RE: How do most D/s relationship start? - 8/9/2013 3:33:26 PM

Kana

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quote:

ORIGINAL: abygail

I am very new to bdsm and I'm having a bit of difficulty already because of the approach. I am not submissive in life (not dominant either-more mellow, laidback and a little goofy) but I am submissive in a relationship. I have never been 'collared' or trained.
I have been searching for a Dom and it seems like the Doms that I am meeting jump in head first. On the first meeting sometimes even the first conversation I am asked if I 'want to be theirs', am 'ready to submit' or 'want a spanking'. It is always something along those lines. I don't want to be rude but all I can think is that they are crazy, wanting a booty call, or full of crap because why would I want any of those things when I don't even know you.
To me submission not only feels like a commitment but also requires a certain level of trust. Neither of which can be obtained in one meeting or even two really. I am looking to develop a vanilla relationship. Date for a while to determine if we are compatible 'learn' each other first before jumping into any BDSM activities.
My question is how do I find a Dom that wants the same thing? Also is this abnormal in bdsm to start off that way? Should I maybe just look for a vanilla guy and then see if he would be willing to bring it into the relationship? I would rather not because I would rather have it understood from the start that this is something that I want and also because I would rather someone with some experience. Also, I am not sure what dynamic of bdsm interests me. I have been leaning more towards TIH and the 50s but it is hard to say because I don't have any experience.

That's not domination. It's desperation.
IJMHO and all, but I have this wildly irrational idea that before a man can control another,he should first be able to control himself.
I know, call me crazy n all, but that's how I feel.
Look at it this way, it's a helluva litmus test. Tells you a whole heckuva a lot about the other party right out the gate.
Could save oodles of pain down the road

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to abygail)

RE: How do most D/s relationship start? - 8/11/2013 12:48:59 PM

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My experiences tell me that each new situation begins slowly and cautiously. Trust needs to be there before the joyful moments can really start. If you are agreeable with your new partner and he or she is comfortable with you the sparks will fly soon enough. For me, the beginning is the best part... when we are both fresh and new and everything is a mystery waiting to be investigated!

(in reply to abygail)

RE: How do most D/s relationship start? - 8/22/2013 7:11:52 PM

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"To me submission not only feels like a commitment but also requires a certain level of trust. Neither of which can be obtained in one meeting or even two really. I am looking to develop a vanilla relationship. Date for a while to determine if we are compatible 'learn' each other first before jumping into any BDSM activities.
My question is how do I find a Dom that wants the same thing?:

You have the right approach, the only thing I can advise is to be patient. Particularly in the case you live in a less populated area than a major city you will not find what you seek anytime soon unless you consider relocation.

(in reply to harddaddy48)

RE: How do most D/s relationship start? - 8/24/2013 9:09:27 AM

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My husband Mike and I started out as a vanilla couple. It wasn't until I told him I was a sub that he and I started to experiment. Now I am his slave and I absolutely love it. I've done more sexually with him than any other man that knew I was a sub ahead of time! You have to be in love with the person. It makes it all that much more exciting! I wouldn't recommend going after any guys that announce their dominance. And BTW, for you Dom men.. It's not appealing to ask us if we want to be yours on the first, second or even the third date! Wait a lil while.. Let us get to know you.. Let us fall in love with you.. Because then, instead of us fearing you and doing the things we go out of our way to do for you out of fear, we do it for you because we love you and want to please and serve you and that makes it all the more pleasurable for you in the long run!

(in reply to Renoir)

RE: How do most D/s relationship start? - 8/24/2013 9:21:12 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

"Should I maybe just look for a vanilla guy and then see if he would be willing to bring it into the relationship?" No. Don't do that. I've seen a lot of messages from women who are in love with vanillas and can't get satisfied. That's not fair to anyone.

I disagree with you DS. Every intense D/s relationship began with me introducing it into the relationship with a vanilla guy who was totally into me. If a man is open and discovers his Dominant side, it can work. Now, if the man is turned off to her suggestion or discovers he is more submissive, then that is a problem.

But do not discount vanilla going to D/s.

Its a big world out there and you should not restrict your looking for a partner to kink sites or lifestyle events.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

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