RE: I'm very new and very confused (Full Version)

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petitespot -> RE: I'm very new and very confused (8/5/2013 9:28:01 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22

Hi everyone. I'm sheela. Sorry if my post seems very dumb but I honestly didn't know who else to ask. I have been with my boyfriend for about 8 months. He is much older than me which is okay by me ( I'm 24 he is mid 40) and I'm crazy for him. About a month ago he told me that he enjoys bdsm and wants me be to be his sub and stuff. I never ever even heard of it. When I asked what it means he said "from now on , you have no saying and I'm in charge". I'm a very shy and geeky lol so I thought it shouldn't be a big deal. We had what he calls a "session" on Friday and he loved it but to be honest my body is still sore and I didn't enjoy it at all. I was just following his orders and it was incredibly painful . Is there a way for a "sub" to actually enjoy it or you just have to take it because your Dom said so? He is not good at communicating ( he gives general explanations like no whining no crying but screaming is ok, or if i ask questions in the middle i get punished ..) and hates it when I ask too many questions so I just shut up...Thank you very much for reading my post



Total control over the relationship.
Sadistic.
AND anal with no lube???

Sounds like the perfect guy to me.
I'd be on cloud nine. Send him over to me.



NothingIsTaboo4U -> RE: I'm very new and very confused (8/5/2013 9:36:25 PM)

Catfish



LafayetteLady -> RE: I'm very new and very confused (8/5/2013 9:41:33 PM)

No one is attacking you. We are, however, trying to point out the obvious which you refuse to see. You have left EVERYTHING behind for a man you know less than a year. You moved away from your home and in with this same man in less than 6 months. Alone those aren't healthy, well thought out decisions. You let him damage your relationship with your best friend.. guys have a saying, bros before hos. I don't know the female equivalent. You are "chicken" to talk to him because you don't want to get him mad. He refuses to use lube for anal sex and tells you you will learn to love it. He wants a D/s relationship but only on his terms, you are not allowed to ask questions.

Yes, you have daddy isses and several other issues that you should find a good therapist for. I'm willing to bet your friends try to save you from yourself rather than how you see it.

I think here in NJ, one of our domestic violence pamphlets is entitled, "But I know he loves me." Or something like that.

You don't have to listen to any of us. But I would suggest you let someone know that if you disappear they should go to the police and file a report suggesting foul play. And let them know your last wishes as well. That's where this is headed. Really.



metamorfosis -> RE: I'm very new and very confused (8/5/2013 9:55:16 PM)

Okay.

So... you had your first scene just a couple of days ago, and you're so inexperienced at BDSM that you had to ask what the term "submissive" meant.

You also joined today. How did you happen to find these boards so quickly? I mean, since this is such a personal matter and your boyfriend wouldn't dream of having you discuss this with strangers, so he clearly didn't direct you here. How is it that you happen to be here?



IknowwhoIam -> RE: I'm very new and very confused (8/5/2013 10:03:41 PM)

Sheela, I hope the talk with him went well but I have a feeling you either chickened out or he would not listen to you. My gut goes with the first because that is exactly what I would have done 13 years ago. My ex wasn't into BDSM but he did move me away from my family, a job, and my school. We went to a different state and once I started making friends, he would pick fights with them and because I "loved" him I sided with him and lost my friendships. Once the neighbors figured him out and started taking me under their wing, he moved us again. I sank into a deep depression, suicidal depression and he said it was all my fault. Him losing his job was my fault, fights were my fault. If I just did what he said then everything would be ok. He'd ask for my opinion and then tell me I was wrong and stupid for having that opinion. After going through 3 therapists, I finally found one who helped and wouldn't you know? It wasn't my fault! I finally convinced him to go to therapy with me and the first one we saw ate up everything he said...I was the most horrible person, how could he be with me, it was all my fault. So, I started doing everything he said and wouldn't you know he stopped therapy because I was finally behaving. It didn't last because it never does. Soon, there were other things I was doing wrong. I wasn't teaching the kids to say "yes, sir" or "no, sir". Back to therapy we went but this time someone he chose and that was an eye opener! The doctor saw right through him and called him on it. My private therapy sessions helped me grow and I filed for divorce. I have been out of his house for a year now and I no longer need antidepressants. I have some anxiety when I know I have to talk to him because I still tend to "submit" to him (not in a good way) but I am learning how to handle it. The best part is knowing how it is eating away at him, to see me happy, to know I will not do all he tells me to do. I am telling you all of this because I do not want to see you make the same mistake and heaven forbid a child comes into the relationship! You do not want that for you or for them. You think you love him but do you really? My suggestion to you is to start keeping a journal and then go back and read what you have written. It will tell you the future. I kept one since we met and I wish I read it before I accepted the marriage proposal. I understand you are not there yet but keeping the journal will help. Love can be blind but it can also be deaf. Keep a journal and read it after a month or two. If there is more bad than good, leave.



Sheela22 -> RE: I'm very new and very confused (8/5/2013 10:08:57 PM)

sorry for the short reply...He will be home in 15 min ... I found this website this morning. I used Yahoo answer and asked if any one knows an ACTIVE forum that can help me with my relationship and educate me and some one suggested here. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Good night



metamorfosis -> RE: I'm very new and very confused (8/5/2013 10:15:50 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22
sorry for the short reply...He will be home in 15 min ... I found this website this morning. I used Yahoo answer and asked if any one knows an ACTIVE forum that can help me with my relationship and educate me and some one suggested here. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Good night


So, the good people on yahoo directed you here, which makes sense because collarme is known principally for the fact that it is attached to this forum, and not, say, as a kinky dating site.

You are full of it.



UllrsIshtar -> RE: I'm very new and very confused (8/5/2013 10:23:20 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: metamorfosis

I call bullshit on this entire thread.


I called bullshit on the first page. In fact, I had a bet going with my husband that this thread would turn out a certain way:

- the OP makes a post stating things that are of concern
- people cautiously give advice they think applies (the reactions aren't strong enough yet)
- the OP ups the ante and discloses a new layer of concerning info, ignoring all the advice
- people restate the advice a little more urgently (the reactions aren't strong enough yet)
- the OP ups the ante yet again disclosing yet another layer of concerning info, ignoring all the advice

The pattern repeats until people state in no uncertain terms what they feel, using forceful language for emphasis because the OP doesn't seem to be responding to the good advice

- the OP goes into a 'poor me', 'I shouldn't have asked', 'I'm confused', 'I feel attacked' mode
- People scramble to tone down their words, console her, ensure they're not attacking and are just concerned
- the OP continues on with the 'poor me' completely ignoring people's attempt to ensure her that she's not being attack, and starts nitpicking posts to find some small word or phrasing in it to claim to feel attacked over

The pattern continues until the OP randomly disappears, people get sick of the drama, or enough people call bullshit

Guess how this thread turned out to go...



Winterapple -> RE: I'm very new and very confused (8/5/2013 10:25:44 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: metamorfosis

I call bullshit on this entire thread.

I second that motion.

PS Good to see you posting again, Pam



metamorfosis -> RE: I'm very new and very confused (8/5/2013 10:26:48 PM)

Apparently Ishtar beat me to it.



UllrsIshtar -> RE: I'm very new and very confused (8/5/2013 10:29:29 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Moonlightmaddnes
You need to walk away and find a nice 30 something guy.


As if age got anything to do with it. The OP claims to be 4 years younger than me, and claims her guy is 2 years younger than my husband... +/-15 years is no big deal at. None of the problems she claims to be having have anything whatsoever to do with age. The only reason it's even a topic of discussion is because the OP keeps mentioning the age difference as if it's somehow unusually big, noteworthy, or extreme. There are at least a dozen people on this board with long relationships with age differences that big, or greater who don't even consider it worth mentioning.



metamorfosis -> RE: I'm very new and very confused (8/5/2013 10:30:42 PM)

quote:


Apparently Ishtar beat me to it.


Apparently lilcracker did too.



metamorfosis -> RE: I'm very new and very confused (8/5/2013 10:48:30 PM)

FR

I've heard rumors that the mods use sock puppets to stir up shit when things around here get slow. The number of new faces that have suddenly appeared to comment on this thread makes me really wonder if that's true.

Whoever is doing it, it's lame.



getoutnow -> RE: I'm very new and very confused (8/5/2013 10:51:44 PM)

Very FR

I've also heard those rumors but speaking for myself only. I find it easier to post and be somewhat anonymous. A lot of the regulars like to fly in formation and gang up on the newbies so to speak.

Which is why I am not a regular when it comes to these places. It's the same faces over and over again.



metamorfosis -> RE: I'm very new and very confused (8/5/2013 10:56:36 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: getoutnow

Very FR

I've also heard those rumors but speaking for myself only. I find it easier to post and be somewhat anonymous. A lot of the regulars like to fly in formation and gang up on the newbies so to speak.

Which is why I am not a regular when it comes to these places. It's the same faces over and over again.


Yes, they gang up on newbies. Which is why you feel more comfortable posting as a newbie and not under your regular nick, right?

P.S.- I recognize the phrase "flying in formation".



TNDommeK -> RE: I'm very new and very confused (8/5/2013 11:11:56 PM)

I'm agreeing with Pam on this. The op asked for info, got it..but kept dancing around the answers. Which to me says she's fishing for something. Attention? Another answer? Whatever. Then all these socks come out of the dryer,lol. Yea, I say bullshit too.



JustAMas -> RE: I'm very new and very confused (8/5/2013 11:43:14 PM)

Ugh... this shit happens every time on this board, it seems... You guys will rip whatever new post that newbies post into bits. I'm surprised that she's even still sticking around...

I know that you guys do have good intentions, but why not use a bit of tact? You can't just order someone to break up with someone, because you think that's what she should do. She must decide for herself whether she should do that or not.

Well if she's like "too chicken" or whatever... well, so am I, so it's understandable. Who cares? We are not perfect. There's no need for attacks and insults, that won't make people change their minds. It sounds like she currently needs support and encouragement more than anything. People can't suddenly break up with someone just because you asked him/her to. So let's just be nice.

And saying that this is fake and troll without any proof is just offensive.



JeffBC -> RE: I'm very new and very confused (8/5/2013 11:47:03 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TNDommeK
I'm agreeing with Pam on this. The op asked for info, got it..but kept dancing around the answers.

Which, in my experience here, is a pretty typical pattern. This whole thing might be another fun round of sock puppet drama but then again it might not.

That being said Sheela... you have gotten good answers here. You've gotten a VERY consistent reaction from a bunch of very different people in very different relationships. Seldom do I see a thread agree so completely. As OsideGirl noted, many of the people responding are in healthy, happy relationships and in many cases long-term ones. So a bunch of very experienced people from very different directions have all arrived at the same conclusion.

Make of that what you will. If you are afraid to act on those conclusions then you get what you deserve.

PS: Carol and I are in a TPE relationship... deep end of the pool stuff at least insofar as the authority dynamic. If Carol felt compelled to go to some discussion board to ask questions I would not be mad at her. I happen to be a secure individual. I would, however, be HOPPING MAD at myself that i had bungled our relationship so thoroughly that I wasn't a safe person to talk to. For me, at least, being the "dom" is the same as "being the leader" and that means "the buck stops at my desk".



TNDommeK -> RE: I'm very new and very confused (8/6/2013 12:18:52 AM)

The OP got tons of great responses. How much ass kissing are you wanting us to do to her?
Sorry but I feel like this, get good advice from the majority, and refuse to heed it...you do t wanna hear what we have to say. You want is to say what you feel and you're looking for validation. Doesn't work that way here.

(You as in generalization)

Besides, it is shark week.



crazyml -> RE: I'm very new and very confused (8/6/2013 2:02:16 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: JustAMas

Ugh... this shit happens every time on this board, it seems... You guys will rip whatever new post that newbies post into bits. I'm surprised that she's even still sticking around...


Have you actually read the first few pages of this thread? If you regard the considered responses given on pages 1, 2, and 3 as "ripping someone into bits then I'm at a loss.

I read it as frank, supportive advice.

Now... you say "this shit happens every time on this board". What do you mean by that, do you mean half the time? Or 70% of the time? or 90% of the time. I ask because I don't even see it happening 10% of the time, and would really like you to show some examples.

quote:



I know that you guys do have good intentions, but why not use a bit of tact? You can't just order someone to break up with someone, because you think that's what she should do. She must decide for herself whether she should do that or not.


Yeah, ok - Could people be more tactful? Probably. But what the fuck... read the first three pages. Yes, it's frank but .... if the situation is real (and I'm afraid I'm as sceptical as some of the others) then this is one of those cases where you need to be frank and clear - The dom dude being described is a fuckwad and she needs to get the hell away from him.

If this is a genuine situation then sugar-coating is simply not appropriate.


quote:



Well if she's like "too chicken" or whatever... well, so am I, so it's understandable. Who cares? We are not perfect. There's no need for attacks and insults, that won't make people change their minds.



Look at the first few pages - where are the attacks and insults?

quote:



It sounds like she currently needs support and encouragement more than anything. People can't suddenly break up with someone just because you asked him/her to. So let's just be nice.



No, she doesn't need encouragement. If she is with the kind of nasty fucker that she describes, she needs to be ready to embrace the possibility that she's made a terrible mistake in falling in love with a fuckwad.

There's no shame in that, smart people do it all the time. But if she cannot communicate with him (and you'll note that the early posts - right up to the point where she seemed to indicate that she was scared of him recommended this) then she should break up with him, suddenly, before he causes her long term physical and mental harm - I mean... insisting on anal with no lube with someone who is inexperienced.... fuck no.

quote:



And saying that this is fake and troll without any proof is just offensive.


Meh... I can understand why you might say that, but there is a point at which I think it's fair for a person to say "I have tried, and tried again, my patience is exhausted and my troll-o-meter is off the scale...."



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