Collarchat.com

Join Our Community
Collarchat.com

Home  Login  Search 

inexperienced 'Dom's" wanting training


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Switch >> inexperienced 'Dom's" wanting training Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
inexperienced 'Dom's" wanting training - 8/5/2013 8:47:55 PM   
HisBestStory


Posts: 9
Joined: 6/4/2013
Status: offline
Its my first post in a forum here kinda excited.

My question is this. I haven't been in the life for very long but was in a very long term marriage with a submissive husband and i loved him but learned many years ago that if i had the chance, i never wanted to be the most dominant of a two sub home. I have been researching the life for over a decade, as i figured out what i was and am pretty "book smart" as far as subs go ont he topic, if thats even possible without living it, it is two very different thingsI learned that quickly and totally get that. And I really don't know where to find the answer to this question so i thougth this is a perfect venue to find out.

My question is this: I can usually tell when someone is a Dom by just glancing at their profile or the first couple of lines in a message but, we all know and probably all are getting a lot of brand new or what I call "Fifty Shades of Stupid" doms that come to me and ask me to teach them. I am not attracted to dominants who's experience level is checking the box marked "Dominant" and i guess assuming that is what they are, I find it offensive actually that they didn't even bother to google it most times. Also, I certainly have no desire to train or spend time with these people, i just don't have it in me at this moment in time. So i was thinking it might be better for all of us if i found out how a new D can get some mentoring that they need to in turn keep us subs safe in their care if we find ourselves there and I want to make it a teaching moment in that perhaps there are resources for them to be mentored and how they should access them. I admit that I have told a couple of older nice, yet potential "Dom" posers why they shouldn't claim to be what they are not and that they may want to seek out switches to possibly help them learn the role a Dom might play as well as learning the role from a sub's perspective also and how the power dynamic works.

I'm wondering if I shouldn't do that because i started wondering if switches are getting the numbers of newbies coming to them as I seem to be getting. If not a switch, what is the best way for a D to get some mentoring? they certainly need it, there's some scary ones out there... I just don't want to blindly send people your way and assume that this is the correct route if its not.

Thanks everyone... :)
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: inexperienced 'Dom's" wanting training - 8/5/2013 10:12:52 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
Let me define two words: Dom and top.

A Dom wants control. He wants control over his sub.

A top is in charge during a play session.

Being a Dom is a kind of personality. You cannot train a sub or a vanilla to have the proper attitude.

You CAN train a top. How to whip, how to spank, how to tie up.... it's all technique.

So you can mentor a top. You can mentor a Dom in limited things, such as protocol. But you cannot give a vanilla a several step program to make them Dom.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to HisBestStory)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: inexperienced 'Dom's" wanting training - 8/7/2013 7:15:28 PM   
incubusboy


Posts: 16
Joined: 8/4/2013
Status: offline
World keeps on turning, little one, and on it, the internets are a bus station.

Two points there. One is that every day, people of every age and predilection decide to begin pleasing themselves (or someone else). Just as there are virgins deflowered every day, there are doms, subs, switches, puppies, assholes, thieves, and murderers who get started. There never was and never will be a day when everybody is skilled and experienced, or everyone tells the truth, or everyone knows what they want and who they want it with/from. What you identify as a glut of newbies these days is not a change in the world. It is a change in what YOU are doing. You are reaching out and meeting more people, so you will meet more of everything. It's the change in you, only.

Second point. Consider how many people you know who cook for their households. Now consider how many of those cooks are skillful and creative in the kitchen and bring pleasure to everyone who forks their grits. As opposed to the much larger number of cooks who make the same handful of dishes over and over for decades without variation to minimal applause, if any.

In every human endeavor, there are the many who fumble along and the few who learn and practice real skill with passion and judgement. When you're in your circle or in somebody's kitchen, you know who's who, and you might even have more snappy chefs than not. In that little circle. But the internets are a bus station, where absolutely anyone can come in for any reason with or without preparation of any kind. Talking to someone new on the WWWeb is close to picking someone at random off the street to cook your supper. Since most are not skilled, the odds are against you. That's why, if you're prudent, you talk to a candidate long enough and specifically enough to make sure at least s/he knows the difference between braising and boiling, between Birdseye and Serrano peppers, between skirt steak and loin, between eggplants, between apples, between flours. You won't let a stranger in your kitchen who doesn't know a spatula from a wooden spoon.

You certainly won't assume any random git can cook. Regardless of what hat he wears. So why do you expect to know, without getting acquainted, that the next dom knows his TENS from his single tail? That he's not some serial abuser in a second hand leather vest, or an innocent boy mesmerized by a black lace merrywidow?

But none of this is the point, is it? Your only real complaint is that you want to get to it, and you don't want to put in the time acquainting the next candidate with what you like and expect. I'll wildguess that feels like topping to you, and you want just once to skip the boot camp and get to the war games.

Well then, why not have enough conversation to disqualify the many rookies and wait for one of the few skilled misters to appear? Is it the waiting that chafes? Is that really it?

This is a bus station. And nobody came here to make an omelette your way. That's what introductions and negotiations are for.

Doncha think?

(in reply to HisBestStory)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: inexperienced 'Dom's" wanting training - 8/14/2013 6:41:36 PM   
WarMachine904


Posts: 123
Joined: 8/2/2013
From: Jacksonville, FL area
Status: offline
Excellent post, Incubusboy! Spot on, really!

And as DarkSteven pointed out, Dominant is personality type, and can clearly exist without much or any experience in "topping" as defined by BDSM standards. For example, I am new to CM, and compared to some others, new to BDSM. I am not new to being a Dominant. I have always been this way. I enjoy the psychology of, and the feeling associated with motivating another to completely give them self and all control over to you. Although this sometimes is associated or occurs in conjunction with sex, I get more from the control than from the sex itself. Sex is a medium that can be used to exert dominance over another. But so can hundreds of other mediums.

Sorry for the soap box, back to the regularly scheduled OP.

Case in point. When I began doing fugitive recoveries about five years ago, I did not attend a course, or have a coach, or get the blessing of the Grand Poobah of Fugitive Recovery. I decided that I was going to be a successful fugitive recovery agent. I acquired knowledge through reading, I had a few skills from the military that lent themselves to this occupation also, I had a brain, common sense, street smarts, and the WILL to be the best that I could be at finding and apprehending fugitives. And I have succeeded. The same can be done in becoming a respected Master/Dom or whatever within the community.

Just like anywhere else in life, it is buyer beware. The burden rests on you to complete your due diligence and use your common sense! And for fucks sake! Don't move in, TPE, and turn over all control over your life to a stranger that you have know for 4 hours just because his screen name says Master Whoever!

_____________________________

WarMachine904
"I am not a Dominant by choice, I am Dominant by nature's design!"

(in reply to incubusboy)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: inexperienced 'Dom's" wanting training - 8/21/2013 12:00:39 PM   
HisBestStory


Posts: 9
Joined: 6/4/2013
Status: offline
totally makes sense... thank you for that... i guess i intrinsically knew that, just didn't roll it around... i can definitely "feel" a D's message right away, and often by scanning his profile briefly... so yes, i get that there is a specific way, presence, a way of commanding attention without "flair or demands", something that makes me sit down and shut up, if you know what i mean...

So any help on where to send the young/new ones that are asking for my opinion on how to get some Top training? i am finding too, and i think it's funny, that these new to the scene ones are very adverse to the term Top... they don't realize where the term started so they assume that I think they are homosexual. Most don't even google BDSM let alone BDSM roles. it truly sad that they think a check box and a filthy, disrespectful mouth is what a Dom or Master is.. wish there was a way to "test" them on the way in. vocab or something. lol

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: inexperienced 'Dom's" wanting training - 8/21/2013 12:11:01 PM   
HisBestStory


Posts: 9
Joined: 6/4/2013
Status: offline
you've got me wrong, although i thank you for your first point, its good for me to come back to my own self and perspective. I'm just trying to help the nicer ones out, most i have a problem with and they know it very well, and if you are interested in my views i would encourage you to read my profile, as i am almost exactly the opposite of what you have described. It's ok, I'm not offended, i understand that most who are new to the scene are anxious to start. however, i am only looking for one. and i haven't "tasted" any, for over a year, so no, not anxious, very picky, and very well aware of who is a D and who isn't, at least a D, that feels "real" to my own tastes and sensibilities.

I have been in helping professions and HR management for years, when i talk with someone who has a goal and wants to do the work to reach it, i can't help myself but try to help them...

So still curious as to where I should send these eager ones who are respectful, just don't know where to begin. It is, I would think almost better to start as a bottom for a very young (20-25yr old) kids that want to top... isn't it? that way they can know what its like to take the medicine they desire to prescribe, as well as learning from an experienced Top what the responsibilities and protocol would be... is that a decent assumption. I'm sure again, just one perspective (:D)... curious for more though... love to hear maybe how you got started, or friends... just so i can pass it along.

(in reply to incubusboy)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: inexperienced 'Dom's" wanting training - 8/21/2013 12:26:51 PM   
HisBestStory


Posts: 9
Joined: 6/4/2013
Status: offline
okay gents, i'm not sure where you guys are getting the idea that i am interested in doing anything with any of these guys other than pointing them in the direction of educating themselves... i guess maybe i've worded somethign incorrectly? i would never even consider a newby, never have. soooo, its not about grooming them for myself, its about keeping whoever they wind up with safe, and in good hands as possible, and if i can help with someone getting educated, or a sub having a safer top that i'm thrilled...

so i'm not sure why i'm getting definitions of what hte roles are as i clearly understand this very well, and yes, i worded ineffectively interchanging D with Top; it wasn't out of misinformaiton, ignorance or disrespect, just should have thought about my phrasing.... so other than directing these people to websites, and sending them to FL and enouraging they go to forums... am i missing an avenue they can take to learn if that is what they are wanting to do? i just don't like being passed around by anyone cuz no one seems to have the answer I need when i'm trying to get info. trying to help people out....

any suggestions would be great.

and i have pretty much "self taught" myself. as i have been seriously researching this lifestyle, its psychological propeties, and benefits, etc for nearly a decade. I'm quite intelligent in a "book smart" kind of way on the topic, and got my toes stepped on by a few very harsh "teachers of hard lessons" thankful nothing physical but a couple of emotional/psychological scares that had me rethinking my decision to explore this in real life. As I have trust issues (might explain why i want these guys educated-so perhaps i feel like they are more secure, and reliable if they are) I have thought for many years that to let go of the overbearing take charge person that i have become and digust myself with (these traits, anyway- i have probably an unattainable level of expectations for myself, and was forced into leadership and overly responsbile roles in my childhood and alll they way til about 4 yrs ago. thought that submitting would be (good practice at learnnig that others can be reliable and have my best interest at heart--if i could stomach it and not wind up taking over-i am in need of a very strong, secure D that won't let me, cuz i will if there is weakness shown-just how i am), but i have submitted (and yes, without sex-and i totally get that, that is what i am in search of primarily--however sex is a fucking awesome bonus!, but its to clean up this little bit of baggage that i can't dust off alone). anyway, i found its not about white knuckling it while someone is allowed to make decisions for me...
Its actually about 120,000 times better than even my best thought. like being flown like a kite so high that you sit next to god....



quote:

ORIGINAL: WarMachine904

Excellent post, Incubusboy! Spot on, really!

And as DarkSteven pointed out, Dominant is personality type, and can clearly exist without much or any experience in "topping" as defined by BDSM standards. For example, I am new to CM, and compared to some others, new to BDSM. I am not new to being a Dominant. I have always been this way. I enjoy the psychology of, and the feeling associated with motivating another to completely give them self and all control over to you. Although this sometimes is associated or occurs in conjunction with sex, I get more from the control than from the sex itself. Sex is a medium that can be used to exert dominance over another. But so can hundreds of other mediums.

Sorry for the soap box, back to the regularly scheduled OP.

Case in point. When I began doing fugitive recoveries about five years ago, I did not attend a course, or have a coach, or get the blessing of the Grand Poobah of Fugitive Recovery. I decided that I was going to be a successful fugitive recovery agent. I acquired knowledge through reading, I had a few skills from the military that lent themselves to this occupation also, I had a brain, common sense, street smarts, and the WILL to be the best that I could be at finding and apprehending fugitives. And I have succeeded. The same can be done in becoming a respected Master/Dom or whatever within the community.

Just like anywhere else in life, it is buyer beware. The burden rests on you to complete your due diligence and use your common sense! And for fucks sake! Don't move in, TPE, and turn over all control over your life to a stranger that you have know for 4 hours just because his screen name says Master Whoever!

(in reply to WarMachine904)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: inexperienced 'Dom's" wanting training - 8/22/2013 12:17:18 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HisBestStory

totally makes sense... thank you for that... i guess i intrinsically knew that, just didn't roll it around... i can definitely "feel" a D's message right away, and often by scanning his profile briefly... so yes, i get that there is a specific way, presence, a way of commanding attention without "flair or demands", something that makes me sit down and shut up, if you know what i mean...

So any help on where to send the young/new ones that are asking for my opinion on how to get some Top training? i am finding too, and i think it's funny, that these new to the scene ones are very adverse to the term Top... they don't realize where the term started so they assume that I think they are homosexual. Most don't even google BDSM let alone BDSM roles. it truly sad that they think a check box and a filthy, disrespectful mouth is what a Dom or Master is.. wish there was a way to "test" them on the way in. vocab or something. lol


Actually I believe you are incorrect if you make your assessment of a Dominant by his message or profile. Some people like to put forth the type of person they are, rather than portray a role that they might reveal once they get to know someone better. Same as me, as a sub. I don't write my profile to demonstrate my subbliness, I prefer to reveal that to someone special.

Not everyone is the same type of Dom and just because they are not portraying themselves in the way you think they should, does not mean they are "posers" or that they need training or mentoring.

I find your entire post to be rather pretentious and it smacks of the dreaded "one true way ism".



< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 8/22/2013 12:18:18 AM >

(in reply to HisBestStory)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: inexperienced 'Dom's" wanting training - 8/22/2013 6:33:58 PM   
HisBestStory


Posts: 9
Joined: 6/4/2013
Status: offline
okay, obviously not coming off the way i intend to.

Maybe we can go back to my original question or i can ask on another site... i just thought that this was ask a switch, not judge a sub.

who would be a good resource for men (because that is who contacts me) who want to be mentored under a Dom. My concern is that i have told a few to possibly seek a switch rather than asking a sub... is this incorrect information? if not, i would really appreciate it if i could direct these people to a place where they can learn, so few of the newer ones that claim dominance ask anything. i just want to help the next one down the road... that's all. wanted to pay it forward, as i had my own mentor who helped me navigate.

I'm sorry if i come off as a know it all or high and mighty. I am a strong woman and I have a strong voice, due to being in positions where i have been on my own since early teens and have worked in jobs that led to me supervising large crews of men. This might be that confidence and straight forwardness that i had to learn to survive the hand i was dealt and it usually serves me well. I do regret if i came through to you all as cocky. I apologize for that, as its not the voice that i want to present.

But, also, i feel like I've had to defend myself and my choices of wording to those who have posted here, and no one has addressed the question that i genuinely am wanting to learn about. Should i ask on another site, or keep doing what i'm doing, or how would you like me to address this in the future -from the perspective of a switch? I don't want to send people to you if you aren't wanting this role, or i don't know. i'm new at this and i'm trying to help someone out. maybe one of you can do the same for me... . That's all i want to know, i understand that none of you aren't finding me charming, but that wasn't my intent. I just wanted to try to ask a question in one of the forums. lesson learned. i thought the ask a switch title meant that they were here to help address things like this. but i seem to be the topic as the novice one trying to do the right thing by this forum and it's members. maybe its not the right place for someone like me.

I'll just ask somewhere else, don't really need to come back here to deal with criticism when i'm new at this life. You guys must be really perfect to be able to critique me yet not address the issue i'm attempting to bring forth. I certainly won't encourage anyone else to come here for an educated opinion unless they are very thick skinned. kinda mean.

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: inexperienced 'Dom's" wanting training - 9/13/2013 4:32:53 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

So any help on where to send the young/new ones that are asking for my opinion on how to get some Top training?

I'm in my 40s, and when I was looking, was only interested in men close to my age. I used to refer 20 somethings to TNG groups. TNG = The Next Generation (of kinksters) - these are groups for people 35 and under.

quote:

who would be a good resource for men (because that is who contacts me) who want to be mentored under a Dom. My concern is that i have told a few to possibly seek a switch rather than asking a sub... is this incorrect information? if not, i would really appreciate it if i could direct these people to a place where they can learn, so few of the newer ones that claim dominance ask anything.

I think it would make the most sense for a Dom to be mentored by another Dom. But "get a mentor" is not very concrete. More useful advice IMO, which we give all the time here, is for someone to:
1. Get involved in their local BDSM community for which they can find events on fetlife.com. They may be able to find a mentor there.
2. Get some non-fiction from the booklist: http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm

I have learned over the years that I am wasting my breath to offer suggestions to people not interested in my help. While YOU may think these men need training, they may be perfectly content with how they are. Since you are not involved with them, don't be more invested than they are.

If they have specific questions, you can also refer them here, to the Ask a Master section.

(in reply to HisBestStory)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: inexperienced 'Dom's" wanting training - 9/13/2013 4:59:02 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HisBestStory
I admit that I have told a couple of older nice, yet potential "Dom" posers why they shouldn't claim to be what they are not and that they may want to seek out switches to possibly help them learn the role a Dom might play as well as learning the role from a sub's perspective also and how the power dynamic works.

I'm wondering if I shouldn't do that because i started wondering if switches are getting the numbers of newbies coming to them as I seem to be getting. If not a switch, what is the best way for a D to get some mentoring? they certainly need it, there's some scary ones out there... I just don't want to blindly send people your way and assume that this is the correct route if its not.

I learned 99% of my topping skills from female subs and bottoms who were more experienced than I was, but wanted me to beat on them anyway, and told me what they liked most, what their limits were, and what was straight-up dangerous. I've been to classes and demos also, and read a few things, but the interaction with the human beings I was hurting is by far the most important.

Also, I thought your OP came off as deeply uninformed. I do not believe that you have read a lot -- or, rather, I believe you've read a lot of words, but very little content. Otherwise, you'd be able to suggest immediately to a dom who wanted more topping skills that he read The Loving Dominant, The Topping Book, that he watch the Knotty Boys Youtube channel, things like that. When you mean "reading" you probably mean "spent a lot of time with fiction and with the internet." And, if that's true, then you are at a greater disadvantage than a dominant man who knows nothing except that he wants to tie up and hit girls, then make breakfast for them in the morning. You've been filling your mind with things that are false.

My advice: get out into the world and meet real people in real-time D/s relationships. As friends. See first-hand the sorts of relationship compromises kinky people make to remain a team in the face of real life.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to HisBestStory)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: inexperienced 'Dom's" wanting training - 9/13/2013 5:50:56 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline
FR:

Of course inexperienced doms want training or a mentor. Or at least, the smart ones do. Though some great books were mentioned, in my mind practice makes perfect, which means you need someone willing to let you practice on them.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a more experienced sub showing a new dom the ropes, so to speak. Also, I have learned so much by simple observation. This is a good reason to get connected with your local kink group. They will most likely have discussion groups and demos, and once you make some friends, you'll get invited to a play party or two.

These are great places to see various types of flogging and bondage work, all kinds of different implements used in unique ways, and you will be able to quickly pick out the experts. So far when I've asked: "Can you show me how to do that?" it's always been met with a positive response.

I once asked a femdomme to show me her horsetail flogger (they are so beautiful and elegant looking) and got a 20 minute lecture on the correct use.

To me, when it comes to practical matters, that the best way to learn.


< Message edited by ChatteParfaitt -- 9/13/2013 5:52:53 AM >


_____________________________



(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: inexperienced 'Dom's" wanting training - 9/13/2013 12:26:50 PM   
MizzSpitfire


Posts: 70
Joined: 2/16/2012
Status: offline
Although it might not immediately solve your problems, PLEASE get out into the local BDSM community in your area. These people generally will have your best interests at heart and help you find someone with experience and morals. Even THIS plan may fail, as not all personality types mesh, but keep in chugging, little train, be safe, and don't accept less than what you need and deserve.
The VERY best of luck to you.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: inexperienced 'Dom's" wanting training - 9/14/2013 2:03:34 AM   
NiceAnimal


Posts: 35
Joined: 9/6/2013
Status: offline
I don't think you should advise these people of anything much. Maybe direct them to a good book. You learn stuff primarily by doing it.

< Message edited by NiceAnimal -- 9/14/2013 2:05:52 AM >

(in reply to MizzSpitfire)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: inexperienced 'Dom's" wanting training - 9/14/2013 9:41:41 AM   
peppermint


Posts: 5159
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NiceAnimal

I don't think you should advise these people of anything much. Maybe direct them to a good book. You learn stuff primarily by doing it.


You don't learn fire play by reading a good book. You learn from someone who has mastered the techniques and can supervise you when you try it for yourself. This person can see what you are doing wrong and correct you before you burn a submissive.

_____________________________

We are stardust, we are golden, and we got to get ourselves back to the garden.

Yes, I am crazy about feathered creatures. I have a dozen chickens, 3 ducks, 5 geese, and 2 parakeets.

Revise that number. Just got 14 new chicks and 5 turkeys.

(in reply to NiceAnimal)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: inexperienced 'Dom's" wanting training - 9/14/2013 8:22:31 PM   
NiceAnimal


Posts: 35
Joined: 9/6/2013
Status: offline
Depends entirely what you want to do though doesn't it? Or what your sub wants from the interaction. People want different things from kink. Its not like anything in kink is standard for everyone.

Sure if you want to do shibari, or fire play, or something dangerous or complex, then yeah that makes sense, to watch a demo, or get some instruction etc.

(in reply to peppermint)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: inexperienced 'Dom's" wanting training - 9/20/2013 3:22:50 PM   
Daddy133


Posts: 27
Joined: 8/24/2013
From: Georgia
Status: offline
I secretly rule the world. Does that make me a dom?

Huehuehue

(in reply to NiceAnimal)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: inexperienced 'Dom's" wanting training - 9/28/2013 2:09:41 PM   
lilcracker


Posts: 243
Joined: 4/14/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1
I learned 99% of my topping skills from female subs and bottoms who were more experienced than I was, but wanted me to beat on them anyway, and told me what they liked most, what their limits were, and what was straight-up dangerous. I've been to classes and demos also, and read a few things, but the interaction with the human beings I was hurting is by far the most important.

Also, I thought your OP came off as deeply uninformed. I do not believe that you have read a lot -- or, rather, I believe you've read a lot of words, but very little content. Otherwise, you'd be able to suggest immediately to a dom who wanted more topping skills that he read The Loving Dominant, The Topping Book, that he watch the Knotty Boys Youtube channel, things like that. When you mean "reading" you probably mean "spent a lot of time with fiction and with the internet." And, if that's true, then you are at a greater disadvantage than a dominant man who knows nothing except that he wants to tie up and hit girls, then make breakfast for them in the morning. You've been filling your mind with things that are false.

My advice: get out into the world and meet real people in real-time D/s relationships. As friends. See first-hand the sorts of relationship compromises kinky people make to remain a team in the face of real life.
Well said...Redmagic especially the bolded part. My partner is as the OP suggested, "Fifty Shades of Stupid" because before me he had no experience and had never really heard much about BDSM or D/s, but he does have a really Dominant personality. He has never asked that I train him however, we are very open in our communication and over the time we have been together he has been receptive to new things and probably is one of the best Dominant males I have ever spent time with.

(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: inexperienced 'Dom's" wanting training - 9/30/2013 2:58:54 PM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: incubusboy

World keeps on turning, little one, and on it, the internets are a bus station.

Two points there. One is that every day, people of every age and predilection decide to begin pleasing themselves (or someone else). Just as there are virgins deflowered every day, there are doms, subs, switches, puppies, assholes, thieves, and murderers who get started. There never was and never will be a day when everybody is skilled and experienced, or everyone tells the truth, or everyone knows what they want and who they want it with/from. What you identify as a glut of newbies these days is not a change in the world. It is a change in what YOU are doing. You are reaching out and meeting more people, so you will meet more of everything. It's the change in you, only.

Second point. Consider how many people you know who cook for their households. Now consider how many of those cooks are skillful and creative in the kitchen and bring pleasure to everyone who forks their grits. As opposed to the much larger number of cooks who make the same handful of dishes over and over for decades without variation to minimal applause, if any.

In every human endeavor, there are the many who fumble along and the few who learn and practice real skill with passion and judgement. When you're in your circle or in somebody's kitchen, you know who's who, and you might even have more snappy chefs than not. In that little circle. But the internets are a bus station, where absolutely anyone can come in for any reason with or without preparation of any kind. Talking to someone new on the WWWeb is close to picking someone at random off the street to cook your supper. Since most are not skilled, the odds are against you. That's why, if you're prudent, you talk to a candidate long enough and specifically enough to make sure at least s/he knows the difference between braising and boiling, between Birdseye and Serrano peppers, between skirt steak and loin, between eggplants, between apples, between flours. You won't let a stranger in your kitchen who doesn't know a spatula from a wooden spoon.

You certainly won't assume any random git can cook. Regardless of what hat he wears. So why do you expect to know, without getting acquainted, that the next dom knows his TENS from his single tail? That he's not some serial abuser in a second hand leather vest, or an innocent boy mesmerized by a black lace merrywidow?

But none of this is the point, is it? Your only real complaint is that you want to get to it, and you don't want to put in the time acquainting the next candidate with what you like and expect. I'll wildguess that feels like topping to you, and you want just once to skip the boot camp and get to the war games.

Well then, why not have enough conversation to disqualify the many rookies and wait for one of the few skilled misters to appear? Is it the waiting that chafes? Is that really it?

This is a bus station. And nobody came here to make an omelette your way. That's what introductions and negotiations are for.

Doncha think?


Hey Mister have you been spying in my kitchen!?

_____________________________

I am like a box of chocolates, you never know what variety you are going to get on any given day.

My crazy smells like jasmine, cloves and cat nip.

(in reply to incubusboy)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: inexperienced 'Dom's" wanting training - 9/30/2013 3:05:59 PM   
Nothing2SeeHere


Posts: 7
Joined: 7/29/2011
Status: offline
First, I feel inclined to point out that my opinion of your OP is not 100% positive. Considering you didn't ask for my opinion of what appears to be a huge case of audacity - I'll simply keep to the questions themselves. However, to make a point - I will say this. The dominants who contact you are probably not asking YOU for your criticisms either.

Sending dominants to contact switches probably falls under a waste of your time. I know I've had dominant individuals tell me that I'd have to put an end to my 'switch silliness' and commit to being submissive before they'd consider even really talking to me. Some dominants aren't concerned with the label, some will take the time to figure out how one identifies under the label. Many won't. So, you can offer all the advice you like, but most of it will probably fall under the umbrella of a wasted keystroke.

As far as training for new dominants. That kind of depends on if the individual is more relationship oriented or needing information on techniques and safety. Different strokes, for different folks.

< Message edited by Nothing2SeeHere -- 9/30/2013 4:39:07 PM >

(in reply to chatterbox24)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Switch >> inexperienced 'Dom's" wanting training Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2024
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.133