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Do you want NO kink in your service relationship? - 8/8/2013 5:23:36 PM

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With the ever increasing visibility of service relationships in BDSM and also the blending of dominant / submissive "roles" in relationships, as well as the continuing alienation of kinky sex and topping/bottoming and how careful subs (especially males) are about how they present their fetishes, I feel like we have to be careful before assuming anyone even WANTS kink in their bdsm relationships. A lot of people might just be seeking gender-led roles - that simple.

I often wonder how many submissive men just want plain and simple female led relationships and will "tolerate" dominance in the form of bdsm play if that's in the mix, and the femdoms out there might be "giving" bdsm play as a way to add elements of structure or nuance maybe but it's not core to their desire, so basically people are "playing" with some kink but it's not what they want most of all in their heart.

How many people who read collarchat really want a kinky free (as in play) relationship but with power exchange?

I also find it more confusing - I have in laws and friends who - on the outside - have more "FEMDOM" relationships (the woman wears the pants. the man is "pussy whipped and it's so obvious) than in mine. But their husbands are NOT getting tied up. There is NO kinky sex happening (if there is sex at all - it's all missionary!) and yet my relationship is femdom. However, I know a lot of submissive men that are on CM would enjoy these relationships because maybe they don't want kink per se, they want a woman who knows what she wants and demands it and expects it...or do they?

Have submissive men just be told - taught - forced to downplay their kinky needs so much because of bad etiquette that they appear as service only now?

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RE: Do you want NO kink in your service relationship? - 8/8/2013 5:28:46 PM

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I can only speak for myself, but i see being Dominant as intrinsic to my personality - and i need to have that expressed in relationships. I'm also a sadist - but that for me is a sexual kink, and honestly, if i found the perfect service sub/partner i could happily go without hurting him if that was an issue.

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Do you want NO kink in your service relationship? - 8/8/2013 5:48:51 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
How many people who read collarchat really want a kinky free (as in play) relationship but with power exchange?

Us... of course :)

Although I wouldn't really say we actively want or don't want kink. Things change over time. We tried it when we first ran into M/s and it was somewhat appealing but not enough to motivate us to continue. Who knows what next week will look like?

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Do you want NO kink in your service relationship? - 8/8/2013 5:59:46 PM

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Not leading with your fetishes, and not wanting fetishes/kink explored at all are two very, very different things. Many of the more "practiced " submissives may do the former (not lead), but I know very few who wish the latter. Of course they're out there though, and of course it's never a good idea to assume anything. Some just want service, some want service and D/s play but no sex, and some want all three; but I haven't heard or seen anything that would suggest there's a shift in any particular direction.

(in reply to JeffBC)

RE: Do you want NO kink in your service relationship? - 8/8/2013 6:06:18 PM

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Joined: 5/8/2006
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quote:

Do you want NO kink in your service relationship?

Been there. Done that. Will not go back and do it again.

No kink, no relationship.

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Do you want NO kink in your service relationship? - 8/8/2013 6:10:36 PM

myker

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Joined: 8/13/2011
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More than once in my life, I've told vanilla women what were getting bossy with me, "Look; if you're going to play that game with me, you'd better be willing to go all the way with it. Do you have a dominatrix's outfit and some related paraphernalia?"

There haven't been any takers so far, but all lightened up on the bossy stuff.

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Do you want NO kink in your service relationship? - 8/8/2013 6:12:20 PM

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As one who is polyamorous, it is very important that my primary relationships include both power exchange and kink. But secondary relationships can be service/authority transfer only. More relationship=More physical play. I like the physical and emotional intimacy to match. So if some one just wants to engage in occasional service and roleplay, I am less likely to engage in bdsm/kink play with that person. But if a person is my slave or in a similar degree of commitment, bdsm/kink is more of a requirement.

No reason to turn away a great submissive or servant, just because the chemistry and attraction isn't there.

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Do you want NO kink in your service relationship? - 8/8/2013 6:17:36 PM

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Hah!!! I have been saying this (about pussy whipped vanilla men) for a LONG time. I am on the opposite side of the kneel and have often said it is nearly impossible to find dominant men in the vanilla world.

I have also noticed that many of the profiles, especially from younger women (subs) is that they are not kinky...I don't mean they don't fill their profiles with sex desires but that many specify NOT being into most S&M or fetishes. They are looking to be controlled, managed, led...and most are willing to accept a little kink to get that...

I will confess that when I started...much of what I was looking for was the dominant male & I feared most of the kinky play (I stil have one of Dark Steven's first replies to me here that warned against ruling out stuff I never tried!).. Now, well I would not be involved with a Dom who was NOT kinky and a little sadistic..

(in reply to HarryVanWinkle)

RE: Do you want NO kink in your service relationship? - 8/8/2013 6:20:42 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss
I will confess that when I started...much of what I was looking for was the dominant male & I feared most of the kinky play (I stil have one of Dark Steven's first replies to me here that warned against ruling out stuff I never tried!).. Now, well I would not be involved with a Dom who was NOT kinky and a little sadistic..

Damnit! Fine fine, I'm taking you off the list of possible 3rds :) Goddamn if this kink thing in dating becomes like golf in business I'm going to be really pissed.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

RE: Do you want NO kink in your service relationship? - 8/8/2013 6:32:01 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss
I will confess that when I started...much of what I was looking for was the dominant male & I feared most of the kinky play (I stil have one of Dark Steven's first replies to me here that warned against ruling out stuff I never tried!).. Now, well I would not be involved with a Dom who was NOT kinky and a little sadistic..

Damnit! Fine fine, I'm taking you off the list of possible 3rds :) Goddamn if this kink thing in dating becomes like golf in business I'm going to be really pissed.

Sorry...the one kink I am not interested in exploring!!! I will say..sometimes I think that same thing (becoming like golf in business) about bisexuality and poly...Seems like no one is into good old-fashioned, one on one..Man spanking woman!

(in reply to JeffBC)

RE: Do you want NO kink in your service relationship? - 8/8/2013 6:35:49 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: HarryVanWinkle

quote:

Do you want NO kink in your service relationship?

Been there. Done that. Will not go back and do it again.

No kink, no relationship.

I've enjoyed service-only relationships in the past but I must say, the complete package is FAR more enjoyable to me.

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(in reply to HarryVanWinkle)

RE: Do you want NO kink in your service relationship? - 8/8/2013 7:13:29 PM

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Joined: 8/11/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

With the ever increasing visibility of service relationships in BDSM and also the blending of dominant / submissive "roles" in relationships, as well as the continuing alienation of kinky sex and topping/bottoming and how careful subs (especially males) are about how they present their fetishes, I feel like we have to be careful before assuming anyone even WANTS kink in their bdsm relationships. A lot of people might just be seeking gender-led roles - that simple.

I often wonder how many submissive men just want plain and simple female led relationships and will "tolerate" dominance in the form of bdsm play if that's in the mix, and the femdoms out there might be "giving" bdsm play as a way to add elements of structure or nuance maybe but it's not core to their desire, so basically people are "playing" with some kink but it's not what they want most of all in their heart.

How many people who read collarchat really want a kinky free (as in play) relationship but with power exchange?

I also find it more confusing - I have in laws and friends who - on the outside - have more "FEMDOM" relationships (the woman wears the pants. the man is "pussy whipped and it's so obvious) than in mine. But their husbands are NOT getting tied up. There is NO kinky sex happening (if there is sex at all - it's all missionary!) and yet my relationship is femdom. However, I know a lot of submissive men that are on CM would enjoy these relationships because maybe they don't want kink per se, they want a woman who knows what she wants and demands it and expects it...or do they?

Have submissive men just be told - taught - forced to downplay their kinky needs so much because of bad etiquette that they appear as service only now?

I don't see what's so confusing. The only important thing is that people express and seek out what they want. Now granted, some people will not be candid about that because they think being candid isn't the most effect way to get what they want -- but the same thing happens when vanilla folk try to pick up someone in a bar.

Personally, I don't care about what the rest of the world is doing; I don't care about "submissive men" in general. I just care about what I want and need, and matching that with someone whose wants and needs mesh.

But to answer your headline question: I couldn't imagine a service relationship without kink. It would bore the hell out of me.

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Do you want NO kink in your service relationship? - 8/8/2013 7:34:11 PM

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Most of my friends are in vanilla relationships and get bossed around by their wives. In fact their wives get snarky and humiliate them in public in ways that my wife would never consider. They get angry in their bossiness and either use anger or some other kind of emotional lever to get what they want. It doesn't look like much fun as there is no real plan in action. They just rock reactively from crisis to crisis. I saw a friend getting bawled out by his wife just yesterday. It was done in front of his kids and I felt ashamed for all of them.

My wife on the other hand simply gives me orders and expects me to obey. She never gets angry and within every command is the subtext of kinky punishment/reward. Her friends know I do all the household work and think that I'm a saint as opposed to a deeply kinky perv. They have little idea about the erotic depths of our relationship.

I've been bossed around in vanilla relationships and hated it. For me all this femdom stuff only works if both partners have a sense of fun, a sense of humor and a sense of perspective.

(in reply to kalikshama)

RE: Do you want NO kink in your service relationship? - 8/8/2013 7:38:09 PM

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Joined: 8/5/2013
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As a Dom, I love TPE. That said:

I do the laundry, cooking, cleaning, ironing, making the bed, dishes, pay the bills, manage the money, whatever needs to be done.

As a guy, I've always looked after myself ever since I left home at 16. I've never needed a woman to do this for me.

As a side note interestingly enough, I've always cooked better than any other woman I have dated.

So, no kink, no relationship. If I got another submissive, say beta sub. Still has to be kink involved.

< Message edited by getoutnow -- 8/8/2013 7:39:06 PM >

(in reply to bloomswell)

RE: Do you want NO kink in your service relationship? - 8/8/2013 8:04:32 PM

Moonlightmaddnes

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I have to admit there is little to no kink right now. It's more like quick... hurry before they wake up!!

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(in reply to getoutnow)

RE: Do you want NO kink in your service relationship? - 8/8/2013 10:16:42 PM

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No kink - no deal. In fact, we are the way at the other end of the spectrum, where we'll have the battle of wills outside the bedroom, over whose turn it is to do the dishes.

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If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.
That's why people with no sense of humor have such an inflated sense of self-importance.

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Do you want NO kink in your service relationship? - 8/9/2013 11:30:38 AM

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Joined: 9/18/2012
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I agree with many elements of this post.

Service is now so elevated above 'kinky sex' that there are Doms and subs claiming that service is the *only* true submission, and any kind of desire for control, pain or sexual activities are the mark of false, non-serious Dom/me or sub.

In my experience, a lot of subs now pay lip-service to this idea, whilst secretly hoping for play, and an increasing number of Dom/mes adopt a 'holier than thou' attitude to service, elevating it above every other kind of kink. But there is nothing altruistic about service; if service is your kink then it's just as satisfying as spanking or fucking is for another submissive.

There's nothing wrong with service but, and this is the key thing for me, *there is nothing wrong with NOT wanting a relationship based on service*. As with everything else, it boils down to shared interests and compatible kinks.

For myself, I would rather give up my masochism forever than have to endure a service centred relationship. I have tried to force myself into that paradigm and it just made me miserable and unhappy. Know thyself, and to thine own self be true.

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Do you want NO kink in your service relationship? - 8/9/2013 7:14:07 PM

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I could easily live without kink. Kink is just something extra thrown in. I don't even care if any bdsm is involved. I'm just happy to be with a man who is a dominant personality in his everyday life.

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(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Do you want NO kink in your service relationship? - 8/9/2013 8:42:29 PM

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I know quite a few people who live a D/s dynamic without kink. To them, it's the dominant/submissive orientations that connect them, no kink needed.

As for us, yep, we enjoy the kink. We just haven't had a lot of it lately - so many life things distracting us or exhausting us. So yes, I could live without it. Like lw said, I'm happy to be with an awesome dominant man who loves me the way he does.

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(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Do you want NO kink in your service relationship? - 8/9/2013 8:43:49 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
I could easily live without kink. Kink is just something extra thrown in. I don't even care if any bdsm is involved. I'm just happy to be with a man who is a dominant personality in his everyday life.

ROFL... Back when Carol was a young adult she and a friend were talking about a guy. Carol pointed out that he was a little arrogant. Her friend thought a moment and said, "You know, I like my men a little arrogant". That statement stuck with her all the way to meeting me where some of Carol's friends called me arrogant. LOL.

In hindsight we both agree it was two vanilla women talking about "dominant".

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to littlewonder)

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