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Transitioning to a new mistress - 8/9/2013 12:18:32 PM

Geminitattoo

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Joined: 8/9/2013
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Hi everyone...I am new to this board and I'm so happy I stumbled on it. I was with my first mistress for over five years and haven't been with her for almost seven years. Not a day goes by that I don't still serve her in some way, mentally, even though I know she doesn't know. The way I dress, the things I do, the things I read, the choices I make are always with her in mind and what I know she would have expected of me. I have a new woman in my life who wants to be my mistress and I definitely want to serve her. What's hard for me is that every time I start to enter a headspace of servitude and submission to this new woman, my previous mistress floods my mind. It was perfection to me and so far my new experiences aren't nearly as good, probably because it is a new relationship, but I also feel like I'm blocked from being fully open to it. I want to be released from the mental and emotional ties I have to my first mistress but I just don't know how. Does anyone have any advice as to how to let go?

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RE: Transitioning to a new mistress - 8/9/2013 12:33:06 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14415
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
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I would suggest, that since you haven't managed to move on for the past 7 years, you should probably speak to a kink friendly therapist.

It speaks to issues that are best addressed by a professional.

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Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Geminitattoo)

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RE: Transitioning to a new mistress - 8/9/2013 10:48:28 PM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Geminitattoo

Hi everyone...I am new to this board and I'm so happy I stumbled on it. I was with my first mistress for over five years and haven't been with her for almost seven years. Not a day goes by that I don't still serve her in some way, mentally, even though I know she doesn't know. The way I dress, the things I do, the things I read, the choices I make are always with her in mind and what I know she would have expected of me. I have a new woman in my life who wants to be my mistress and I definitely want to serve her. What's hard for me is that every time I start to enter a headspace of servitude and submission to this new woman, my previous mistress floods my mind. It was perfection to me and so far my new experiences aren't nearly as good, probably because it is a new relationship, but I also feel like I'm blocked from being fully open to it. I want to be released from the mental and emotional ties I have to my first mistress but I just don't know how. Does anyone have any advice as to how to let go?

You need to stop doing this. Seriously. Every time you find yourself picking out her favourite book or shirt, stop yourself. Say 'what does new woman want?'. If you don't know yet, then ask yourself 'what do I like best?". Your new woman deserves to know you, and not just a sketch of someone else's preferences.

Your new experiences aren't as good because you won't let them be. No two relationships are the same. A five year relationship will always have different energy than a new one. If you are constantly allowing yourself to compare them, the old mistress will win, because she's just a fantasy now. She isn't around to remind you of the things that annoyed you about her, her bad habits, the reality of what life was like. After seven years she's a romanticized version of your best memories. It's not fair to compare her 'highlights reel' with the new partner's unedited tape... do you understand what I'm saying? The old mistress as you think of her doesn't exist. You need to make a concious effort to let her go.

Imagine if every time you got in the sack she was thinking 'my last boyfriend had a nicer dick', 'my last boyfriend made my cum quicker' 'the old guy would've known I like my boobs cupped just so' 'the old guy lasted longer'. Imagine if every time you took her to dinner or went for a walk she was busy thinking 'well it's not as nice as when X did it' or 'X would have picked an Italian restaurant'. Offputting, huh? Especially if the other guy was long since out of her life, and she was actually comparing you to seven years worth of fantasies, who by definition had no flaws.

Honestly you need to commit. You had a good time, you learned a lot. You may well be robbing yourself, and this woman, of something even better. Make a deliberate effort EVERY TIME old mistress comes into your head to push her out. Tell yourself you won't forget her, but it's time to focus on the life you are living. Who knows what you have missed out on in those seven years by being hung up?

And yes, if you can't do it, therapy.

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(in reply to Geminitattoo)

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RE: Transitioning to a new mistress - 8/9/2013 10:58:27 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
I would suggest, that since you haven't managed to move on for the past 7 years, you should probably speak to a kink friendly therapist.

It speaks to issues that are best addressed by a professional.

This.

In addition I trust you have told your new mistress about this because anything else would be just plain crappy of you.

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I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to OsideGirl)

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RE: Transitioning to a new mistress - 8/9/2013 11:50:07 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Yes.

Yes.

And, yes.

As the quote goes, it's easy to love somebody who is gone. They make so few mistakes.

Of course you can't serve the new woman properly. In your head, you've got the other woman there and that image of her is in-between you and the new person with every interaction. Whether you know it or not, you're not giving the new person a fair shake. Without the new person's consent, you have invited the memory of the other person into your dealings with the new person and that impacts you. As long as you continue to do this, you are cheating yourself and the new person out of what you could potentially have.

If you hadn't been specific about the time frame, OP, I'd have said that you were using the new person in your life as a rebound chick and you were chasing a velcro collar. Even though a significant amount of time has passed, you may still want to examine that possibility.

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(in reply to JeffBC)

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RE: Transitioning to a new mistress - 8/21/2013 6:02:13 PM

cloudboy

Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
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The Pushkin method, namely find someone else, which you've done.

Next, there's a mental tactic you can employ about the old mistress, and that would be to think of her negative qualities first. Look for the warts and lesions. Sometimes this helps to convince yourself she wasn't so great.

(in reply to Geminitattoo)

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