njlauren
Posts: 1577
Joined: 10/1/2011
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Wow, Akasha, thanks for sharing like this. It is fascinating the various ways people put together relationships and what they do and how they see it. I am in a mongamous relationship and I am not sure if our relationship will ever go further, in some ways after so long together our relationship sexually is just starting to evolve...
One thing I have found interesting is hoe people view the same thing differently. Thought BD/SM play is obviously sexual for many/most people, some people treat it as being outside sex, so they don't have a problem with their partner playing with others, kind of like Akasha and her H, others would treat it as a breach the same as having sex. I guess so much of it depends on what people consider to be intimacy, some people are okay with themselves and their spouses having sex with others, others may limit it to play, others to nothing at all.
With men whose wives see other partners, it is interesting, the one thing that is pretty common IME (and that is all it is, and it is limited to maybe 7 or 8 guys) is the fear of intimacy with the other partners by their wives, the sex doesn't really bother them, it is the fear of intimacy with the other partners, of them getting emotionally involved (and there probably is some truth with this, from everything I have read of studies of wives who cheat, what often happens is it isn't just sex, it becomes intimate, and one stat I have heard quoted is that in 65% of cases where wives are caught cheating, the wife files for divorce and supposedly a common reason is they fell for the other man and want to be with him (or her, in some case).....(on the other hand, that may not be surprising, I also seem to recall that in the case of cheating, a lot of women do so for emotional intimacy that is lacking, rather than sex alone,in their relationship)....So kissing, which many men see as an intimate act, is out, as is dating (ie going to dinner/movie), going for walks, etc....I would hazard a guess most men feel they could have sex just for sex sake, but don't see that in women, they believe, whether it is fully true or not, that women cannot have a sexual only relationship, and it scares them.
I can only speak for myself, but I really admire when people can negotiate like this, make compromises and respect each other, trust each other enough to try and work out to get their needs met. Knowing how hard sometimes it is even to talk about fantasies, to talk about things we want to try, etc, it amazes me people have this level of communication and truth:)
I think the only disturbing thing about folks who have open/poly relationships is how others judge them, like the poster on here calling it cheating, or those who go off about the sacred marriage vows, promises, etc....they can't quite see something, that the marriage vows/contract is between the people and there is no cheating or sin unless one or the other of them is hurting the other, cheating, lying, etc. I know of one married couple where it is more cuckold I guess, where he wants the wife to get intimate, she dates the guys, spends weekends with them, travels with them, and she plays along with it, sometimes part of the routine is she comes home not only not wearing her wedding rings, but wearing an 'engagement ring' and tells him the other guy proposed......it is play acting, I guess he gets off on the humiliation, but they also very much love each other and when other partners have gone over the line she has totally ripped them apart, and she would stop if he truly didn't want her to do it, but they both seem to love it....bizarre to me, but they negotiated this, they love each other, and who am I to judge?
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RE: Making open relationships work - 
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