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Thought I was a switch... - 8/19/2013 3:41:58 AM

TnCuck4Mistress

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I use to list myself as a switch online with my lifestyle profiles because I sometimes felt dom with a few select women, but I find myself wanting to submit to a woman more then wanting to dom to them.

So my question is,

How do you know what your true role is in the lifestyle. I mean I know a dom knows if they are dominant or not, and a sub knows if they are submissive or not, and well with those of us who have considered or do consider ourselves as a switch. How do you know?

Also I have noticed out of all the sites I have been on or read other peoples profiles that about lets say 80% of the switches lean towards one side more then another. So if you feel more dominant then submissive, or more submissive them dominant why then wouldn't the role that you feel stronger for be your actual role in a relationship or situation.

Its just a thought is all & I am curious as to what others will say who have at one time or another thought or considered themselves as a switch. I know when I use the role switch I get more drama then any other role listed. I also had a lot of ladies in my past tell me I was a confused submissive or slave. Well I know for a fact I am not a slave! I can play that role, but its not true to me. If anything on a bottom role I am a sub or a pet, but never a slave as I like & need the right to choose when given a choice. Where as a slave has none... At least from what I understand & have experienced.

< Message edited by TnCuck4Mistress -- 8/19/2013 3:43:17 AM >

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RE: Thought I was a switch... - 8/19/2013 6:24:43 PM

TnCuck4Mistress

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So I guess all those years of thinking I was a switch I was in fact a confused submissive like many people had pointed out, but of course in my close-mindedness I didn't give in to that thought or idea being I was pretty sure I was a switch. I apologize to those who did try to point this out before which could have made my life a lot easier but then again I just thought the people telling me this was saying it to get me to submit to what they wanted me to be instead of my being what I was. God I can be pig headed at times...

< Message edited by TnCuck4Mistress -- 8/19/2013 6:25:42 PM >

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RE: Thought I was a switch... - 8/31/2013 8:43:16 PM

TigressLily

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TnCuck4Mistress

So I guess all those years of thinking I was a switch I was in fact a confused submissive like many people had pointed out, but of course in my close-mindedness I didn't give in to that thought or idea being I was pretty sure I was a switch.

Perhaps not the Old Guard BDSMers, but I've encountered some confusion all around with all parties re differences between being a Dominant/submissive/switch, Master-Mistress/slave, Owner/property-pet, Top/bottom, whether particular fetishes and/or kinks constitute 'Domminess' or 'subbiness,' how having an overall feminine or masculine demeanor reflects upon one's desirability as a prospective sub or Dom/me. For instance, I have quite a few male sub friends who come across as being so masculine (esp. if working out regularly), they get passed over by Dommes at munches & fetish parties and end up with female subs throwing themselves at them (whom they don't want). Evidently, not acting 'subby' enough will get you mistaken for a Dom.

Come on, let's face it, male & female subs get together to have sex or otherwise session where they take turns Topping one another. There are just so many more submissives than Dominants. That doesn't make them switches merely because they are able to play the role of a Top. It's role-playing. Take my word for it, I've grilled a couple of my friends about the possibility they might want to consider becoming a switch, given their Topping skills (and seeing how unhappy they were with their present circumstances--that of being Domme-less), only to be met with total dismissal of such an seemingly unsavory undertaking. Elsewhere in an Ask a Mistress post on "Topping from the bottom" (http://www.collarchat.com/m_4525954/tm.htm), you had mentioned "I can top but its a job for me" and it was apparent you didn't enjoy yourself.

I don't think you're pig-headed at all--you refused to be pigeon-holed, which is commendable, as well doing a good deal of soul-searching on where you might fit into the picture. Consequently, I will leave this somewhat complex matter as such: If you enjoy filling both capacities, then you are more than likely a switch. But switching from Top to bottom, and from bottom to Top isn't enough. IMO, you should not only enjoy it when you are submissive to your partner, but also enjoy it when you are Dominant, in control of your partner and in charge of the scene.

It's not uncommon for someone to be sub to only one Dominant exclusively, then be allowed to have or given authority over a sub/slave of his/her own, whether for training purposes or for play. This is still up in the air - and I would love to get feedback - whether it's better for a switch to get with another switch. Seems the logical thing to do.

_____________________________

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Whom Mortals Shall Call the Moon ~ Lord Byron
She Moves in Mysterious Ways . . . On Your Knees, Boy. ~ U2

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RE: Thought I was a switch... - 9/1/2013 3:24:19 PM

SweetAnise

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I think as you grow and evolve you sorta come into your own. You may "think" you're dominant and then something happens in life and suddenly you're now "submissive," but then something happens again and you grow and now you're a switch. I don't think one should judge themselves so harshly when it comes to who and what they are most people don't even know what they want in life. Go with the flow and as you become comfortable with yourself...you will become comfortable with being dominant, submissive, or switch. It won't matter what others think.

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RE: Thought I was a switch... - 9/1/2013 7:55:35 PM

DarkSteven

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetAnise

I think as you grow and evolve you sorta come into your own. You may "think" you're dominant and then something happens in life and suddenly you're now "submissive," but then something happens again and you grow and now you're a switch. I don't think one should judge themselves so harshly when it comes to who and what they are most people don't even know what they want in life. Go with the flow and as you become comfortable with yourself...you will become comfortable with being dominant, submissive, or switch. It won't matter what others think.

I agree with a lot of this,

But

There are people who change depending on whim they're with. They can be Dom/me with one person and sub with another, bi with one situation and straight in another.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: Thought I was a switch... - 9/2/2013 7:16:50 AM

SweetAnise

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

I agree with a lot of this,

But

There are people who change depending on whim they're with. They can be Dom/me with one person and sub with another, bi with one situation and straight in another.

I agree with this DarkSteven. I guess I was thinking the OP was not one of these individuals and more on the side of figuring themselves out.

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RE: Thought I was a switch... - 9/2/2013 6:52:40 PM

TigressLily

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetAnise

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

I agree with a lot of this,

But

There are people who change depending on whim they're with. They can be Dom/me with one person and sub with another, bi with one situation and straight in another.

I agree with this DarkSteven. I guess I was thinking the OP was not one of these individuals and more on the side of figuring themselves out.

Just for the record, I am not a switch. . . . Happened to wander over to this forum and had to put my two cents worth in, unlike SweetAnise who is a switch. DarkSteven, it's good to get your perspective--you are so much more succinct than I with your insights (both of you are).

For whatever it's worth, I'm a Domme who would automatically exclude considering any straight male who classified himself as a switch no matter how submissive he claimed he really was, but thanks in part to reading many discussion threads lately, I am not intransigent anymore on that particular portion of my screening process.

_____________________________

That Orbed Maiden with White Fire Layden
Whom Mortals Shall Call the Moon ~ Lord Byron
She Moves in Mysterious Ways . . . On Your Knees, Boy. ~ U2

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RE: Thought I was a switch... - 9/7/2013 5:29:00 AM

TnCuck4Mistress

Posts: 51
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Thank you very much for everyone's replies. I find myself more interested in being titled as a pet when in a live in relationship with someone. I am open with my feelings, and I am very straight forward & to the point in most cases but try to do it in a way that is respectful to my owner. I don't really know if I can classify as a submissive either I mean i do have a submissive side, and I prefer to be the submissive one in the relationship at least in the bedroom or in any intimate ways. I still feel like a switch some times because there are a few people I feel dominant with & that is why I always called or labeled myself as a switch. I don't feel the need to switch with someone who I have already submitted to in most cases, and even less if they have collared me as their pet. I know for a fact I am not a slave because I don't like having my rights taken from me, and I don't like not being able to say no. For now I will list as a sub because for me its the best title to fit what I am seeking. I want more then anything to be a pet to the woman I belong to.

Who knows... As long as all parties involved are happy what difference does it make.

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RE: Thought I was a switch... - 9/8/2013 11:27:25 AM

Rule

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Hm, it is difficult to judge your psychology from what little is in your profile. Humiliation and objectification and caging are more characteristic of a slave, in my opinion. Nearly all other characteristics signal submissive, though.

These opposite psychologies unified in a single person do make me wonder about your genetics and ontogenesis.

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"You are sweet, kind, and ever so smart, Rule. You ALWAYS stretch my mind and make me think further than I might have on my own" - Duskypearls

Si vis pacem, para bellum.

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RE: Thought I was a switch... - 9/9/2013 8:35:32 AM

TnCuck4Mistress

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Rule

Hm, it is difficult to judge your psychology from what little is in your profile. Humiliation and objectification and caging are more characteristic of a slave, in my opinion. Nearly all other characteristics signal submissive, though.

These opposite psychologies unified in a single person do make me wonder about your genetics and ontogenesis.

Yeah I have updated profile... I can be confusing sometimes though its not on purpose. I come from a very abusive childhood which make be part of many reasons why I am confused & confuse others with the way I act or try to express myself. I have no desire to cause others pain though I use to enjoy to cause myself some kinds of pain. I use to burn myself with cigarettes, soldering irons, and other objects I could heat hot enough to blister my skin. Haven't done that in about 10 years now. I think its funny how so many people do some things I have done, but when they find out a lot of mine is due to my childhood being abused I need to seek professional help. Regardless of why someone does something we are no different. To each their own. I really don't know where I stand anymore on the whole lifestyle scene but I am sick of being jerked around by people who like to make demands on me that have never met me in real life, and even more sick of the people who message me trying to make me what ever role it is they want me to be. Bottoms that want me to top, or tops that want me to bottom as I cant work like that. First impressions are very important to me. Either I feel submissive to someone or I don't its not something I can change.

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RE: Thought I was a switch... - 10/20/2013 2:09:12 PM

sheisreeds

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Who we are sexually is not a static or polar thing. It can change over time.

I always knew I was a switch, really just a bitch, and I had a solid streak of masochism, but no interest in sadism.

Now I really, really, really like hurting people.

We change, we grow.

The important thing is whether or not it is the right relationship, the rest then tends to just fall into place.

Also, wants and needs are very different things. In the right relationship I would probably do ok so long as there was power exchange, and my masochistic tendencies were met. I like a whole lot of things, don't need all of them.

For instance I like being outright submissive, being reduced to nothing more than an object. That's not something that melds real well with my relationship. That's ok, as what I need out of that scenario is met by the relationship.

I will say if you have a history of trauma it is important to address it, no matter what sort of relationship you're seeking. However, when BDSM is involved the importance of this sky rockets as a lot of what we do patterns traumatic situations, only consensual. Addressing trauma, and unhealthy, particularly self depreciating behaviors does not necessarily mean therapy, I just wanted to make that clear.

There was a lot of stuff I would not bring into a relationship until I had addressed the roots of the problem. And Oh my GOD once I did address the trauma the sky was the limit.

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Oh my darling, give me reason
give me something to believe in

You need a spankin' baby!

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RE: Thought I was a switch... - 7/22/2014 11:30:45 PM

FieryOpal

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetAnise

I think as you grow and evolve you sorta come into your own. You may "think" you're dominant and then something happens in life and suddenly you're now "submissive," but then something happens again and you grow and now you're a switch. I don't think one should judge themselves so harshly when it comes to who and what they are most people don't even know what they want in life. Go with the flow and as you become comfortable with yourself...you will become comfortable with being dominant, submissive, or switch. It won't matter what others think.

I agree with a lot of this,

But
There are people who change depending on whim they're with. They can be Dom/me with one person and sub with another, bi with one situation and straight in another.

Thought-provoking posts, and I don't believe this thread ever ran its course.
I have seen this happen with a couple of friends, and it really is contingent upon the partner you're with.
I have a girlfriend who has what I can only call a Switch's personality...with vanilla men. She dominates the heck out of them. Yet she identifies as a submissive, but hasn't been able to find another Dom who is Dominant enough to inspire her submission. (She's still fairly young, so in 10 or more years, she might come into her Dommeliness, I'm hoping.)

I had a kinky marriage. When we began experimenting and exploring B&D within the context of a D/s dynamic, I would say we were more like S/switches with one another.
It just so happened that he preferred to bottom, and I preferred to Top a huge majority of the time (95%?).
D/s orientation labels only matter nowadays since I've been interacting with other kinky people. Labels meant nothing to us then.

As for the OP, I don't quite get what he means by "confused sub"--was he really confused about his level of submissiveness, asked to service Top on occasion, or confused about others saying he must be "confused"?

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Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

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RE: Thought I was a switch... - 7/25/2014 8:46:01 AM

Arturas

Posts: 3245
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quote:

ORIGINAL: TnCuck4Mistress

I use to list myself as a switch online with my lifestyle profiles because I sometimes felt dom with a few select women, but I find myself wanting to submit to a woman more then wanting to dom to them.

So my question is,

How do you know what your true role is in the lifestyle. I mean I know a dom knows if they are dominant or not, and a sub knows if they are submissive or not, and well with those of us who have considered or do consider ourselves as a switch. How do you know?

Also I have noticed out of all the sites I have been on or read other peoples profiles that about lets say 80% of the switches lean towards one side more then another. So if you feel more dominant then submissive, or more submissive them dominant why then wouldn't the role that you feel stronger for be your actual role in a relationship or situation.

Its just a thought is all & I am curious as to what others will say who have at one time or another thought or considered themselves as a switch. I know when I use the role switch I get more drama then any other role listed. I also had a lot of ladies in my past tell me I was a confused submissive or slave. Well I know for a fact I am not a slave! I can play that role, but its not true to me. If anything on a bottom role I am a sub or a pet, but never a slave as I like & need the right to choose when given a choice. Where as a slave has none... At least from what I understand & have experienced.

Consider. Perhaps you are not either but are looking to be something, something not related to BDSM. There is nothing wrong with this.

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