Fucking the issues out of you

Fucking the issues out of you (Full Version)

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Badgermajik -> Fucking the issues out of you (8/21/2013 7:54:52 AM)
My friend has some pretty hard considerations. She doesn't like being touched, at all, ever. If I want some intimate contact I have to hit her, slap her, spank her, etc. Kissing and fondling? Not going to happen. Throw her down by the hair and grab her by the throat while I pull her clothes off? Fuck yeah it's on! Now I'm a fairly freaky bastard, and this is all fine and good and hot as fuck, but I like to have SOME balance, and I like to get what I want. Sometimes I just want to hold her and watch a movie or the stars or sleep close, which is where "Fucking the issues out of her" comes in. Our first real session, where I was able to take her to space, paid off hugely. She'd been warming up some, but still flinched at a kiss on the mouth. I would hit her until she squirmed and made a little noise, as much as I felt she could take, then touched her softly a bit before starting in again. We did this, and a few other things, until I realized it was getting light outside and we'd been at it for over 4 hours. She soaked up the aftercare like a sponge, and when I woke she was spooned up to me just as close as anyone could get. We still like to sleep spooned with my hand around her neck, which was about the only way she could stand it at first. Now we wake with one of her hands jammed inside my bracelet so she feels tied to me, her holding the hand around her neck, and if I kiss her shoulder or face she just holds onto me more tightly, and she's even volunteered some open-mouth kisses as well as accepting them. We've just recently begun discussing where these issues stem from, which will hopefully lead to baring the root of the issues and true resolution. In the meantime, I'm pretty satisfied with alleviating the symptoms to the extent we have.

DesFIP -> RE: Fucking the issues out of you (8/22/2013 9:25:07 AM)
She dislikes light touch. Is that a sensory integration disorder issue or does it come from nonconsensual experiences? Because it matters as to what causes it. Try restraints, maybe if she feels securely and tightly bound, she won't interpret the light touch as unpleasant because overall she'll be subjected to strong touch. And the strong touch might outweigh the light one.

graceadieu -> RE: Fucking the issues out of you (8/24/2013 12:31:53 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP She dislikes light touch. Is that a sensory integration disorder issue or does it come from nonconsensual experiences? Because it matters as to what causes it. That's exactly what I was thinking when I was reading through this. I personally don't like light touch all that much either, for I guess the former reason. Light, gentle caresses have always felt unpleasantly like tickling to me,. When I was a kid I couldn't even bear having a tag in my shirt, my mom had to cut them all out. But what the OP described sounds different to me. This sounds more like intimacy issues. I'm guessing it's option #2 at work here.

Badgermajik -> RE: Fucking the issues out of you (8/27/2013 3:16:07 PM)
I'm not sure if 1 is involved, but I know 2 is. From 9-12 her grandfather thought his desires were more important than her sanity. Then he died. I haven't delved into the details or extent, but it was what I'd surmised, more or less. She's a real sweetheart, once I got past the extremely crunchy exterior; this girl was armor-plated! It's strange to me though, after showing her this post, she said she likes how she is and I'd better too. She doesn't want to like being touched gently, or kissing, she says.

DesFIP -> RE: Fucking the issues out of you (8/27/2013 6:14:07 PM)
I understand that at her extremely young age, she seeks to avoid dealing with these issues. However, they will come back to haunt her in future life. Eventually you have to confront what happened, talk it out with a professional and deal with the fallout. Otherwise it's a house of cards and it will fall down around your ears.

Gauge -> RE: Fucking the issues out of you (8/27/2013 6:30:15 PM)
This is a time bomb. There are some things you want and obviously need and she doesn't want or need them. Let's just go with that for the moment. If one or both of you aren't getting your needs met, then you can start counting the seconds until the whole thing goes kaput. There has to be a balance. As far as her not wanting to deal with her past, either she faces it or it destroys her eventually. Carrying around that kind of baggage wears out the emotional stability and can cause severe intimacy problems. I have had to face things in my life that I never wanted to face, but I did and I worked through them and I came out the other side a stronger person for the experience. Burying the past and denying the impact it had on your development doesn't render it harmless, in fact, quite the opposite. It will grow and fester and cause greater problems. Sorry, but it is time to pull up the big girl pants and move forward with your life. If you allow the trauma that was experienced to rule your life then you allow the person that caused the trauma to win... and for me, I could not sit idly by and let that happen to me. Encourage her to get professional help. Not only will it make her a better person but it will allow your relationship to flourish.

littlewonder -> RE: Fucking the issues out of you (8/27/2013 6:59:00 PM)
She's right....either accept her as she is or move on. You are not going to change her. She can only change her and that ain't happening anytime soon dude.

Badgermajik -> RE: Fucking the issues out of you (8/28/2013 4:16:37 AM)
She has a therapist and is getting professional guidance along with her "self-medication". Hard to believe I know, but her needs change with her mood. She says she doesn't like gentle intimacy, yet I wake up to her so close to me I can't tell where I stop and she begins. She told me she's never felt so close to anyone as she does to me. At 20 years old, she will change whether she wants to or not, this is an age of rapid personal development and she's growing by leaps and bounds. Another huge catalyst for change in her life was losing her father last fall, and her mother this spring. She's told me her mother and older sister are "perpetual children", and she ran the household since she was 16; the first time she saw her father was at his funeral. This is not your average 20 year old. She's wise in many ways, and with so many years of therapy knows more about how to defuse situations, build healthy relationships, and general psychology than myself or the 44 year old I was dating before her. She also loves to act tougher than she is, and has an innocence and sense of wonder despite the adversity in her life. She's gotten some money from her father and quit her job, is in between college courses and "for the first time in my life, have no responsibilities and can be a kid". We mostly live our lives and get together 2-3 days a week, which has become more "relationshipy" than either of us expected or intended. One unanticipated side effect was going from about 600 texts a month to over 10,000! I shit you not, wholly fuck! I've been laid off for a couple of months now, since around when we met so I've had lots of free time and some funding from my part-time business. I've been living in my cabin, essentially a time- share at the camp where we met. It's been a pretty amazing summer, and it's been quite a treat to have 3 months off, though I'm beginning to feel the stress financially.

Badgermajik -> RE: Fucking the issues out of you (8/28/2013 6:11:05 AM)
She does have quite the affinity for being restrained.

Badgermajik -> RE: Fucking the issues out of you (8/29/2013 1:04:30 PM)
I just recently got her take on it, via text of course: The difference for me between you and any other Guy is that I want to be with you, regardless of all the bullshit I want you. I'll only admit this once but I've fallen so deeply for you it's not even funny. You piss me off, annoy me and make me crazier but I love that. Nobody else could do that and get away with it, but you manage to. Nobody else is you, other people could be fun for a night but only you are you and the important part is that we always come back to each other. If it means anything to you at all I've let you closer than I have anyone else in my life. I'm sorry I've turned into a problem, it was never my intention to cause any chaos. The last two nights you were precisely what I needed and wanted most in this world. I'm glad you allowed me to be in your life for the time I had and I couldn't thank you more. You're a wonderful person with a beautiful soul and I do and will always think the world of you. I really am sorry, so much that it hurts physically. And this, our lives, exempt from public haunt, finds tongues in trees, books in the running Brooks, sermons in stones and good in everything. I don't want the scars, I don't want to be like that at all. You make me happy and make everything go away simply by just being next to me. The night with Sinatra was complete perfection. I'm sorry. It's honestly conflicting for me. Being all snuggled up to you and you saying it makes me so completely happy, but I'm not used it and I'm scared to lose it so I get a nasty tightening feeling in the pit of my stomach. The words just won't come out. I've made progress though in the last two months because of/for you. I have never had so much physical contact in my life, but it's tolerable with you. I'm not sure how to express how I feel because it's hard for me, I don't want to lose it though. Please don't stop saying it you mean it. Please.

DesFIP -> RE: Fucking the issues out of you (8/29/2013 2:24:20 PM)
I hope she's okay with you sharing that. But if she's in therapy, then I take it all back. And yes that one step forward, two steps back routine on occasion is perfectly normal. I think all of us are dependent upon mood. Sometimes you want something you otherwise do not. And sometimes you can't handle what is normally quite easy. Since we're people not robots, this is par for the course. As long as you keep talking to each other, and listening.

DrMaster4U2 -> RE: Fucking the issues out of you (10/12/2013 5:01:46 AM)
I totally agree with you. This girl needs to be bound. She is way too expanded and needs intimate, slow contraction thru bondage. Contraction may have been part of the abuse (sexual, physical, mental, emotional, etc.) and now expansion is the only safe mode. Unfortunately expansion makes her feel vulnerable and fear-full and untouchable. Contraction, pressure, pain (a strong pressure in a small area) is usually caused by a physical component (one of many) where the body's acid is overwhelming the PSNS - the amplifier, magnifier on the CNS. Sensation is the opposite of pain and is more of a vacuum in a large area of expansion - like falling from a height. As long as you fall you are in expansion - when you hit the cement you're in contraction. Give her more minerals and allow her to feel contracted again. Tone her nervous systme down. Expansion can be due to many things - hypoglycemia is one of many reasons. NATURALLY THIS IS NOT TO BE TAKEN AS MEDICAL ADVISE SINCE I DON'T KNOW YOU OR YOUR GF PROBLEMS IN TOTALITY. NATURALLY THIS DOES NOT APPLY TO ALL PEOPLE ALL THE TIME ALL OVER THE WORLD. DrMaster

chatterbox24 -> RE: Fucking the issues out of you (10/12/2013 5:33:28 AM)
Sounds pretty simple to me. This is a case of someone always waiting for the bottom to fall out. They don't feel right unless something is wrong. Trauma, disappointment, abuse through life has lead her to believe the bottom will DEFINITELY FALL OUT. Sounds like you are obviously doing things right, she really likes you, you see progress, and this is something that could take years to resolve when you have been devastated in life. You are the one with the answers, by watching her reaction and progress. SOunds like she is crazy about you, be consistant and stand by her, show her the bottom isn't going to fall out no matter what and she will change. If you have no intent on sticking around though thru the long term, you will do her more harm then good. Just one more bottom that fell out.

Badgermajik -> RE: Fucking the issues out of you (11/3/2013 4:58:08 PM)
A quick update. I really appreciate the input from the last three posters, and apologize for not checking in sooner. It seems we're still on the right track: "You really knew coming into this I had massive problems with physical contact and intimacy. YOU are the only male I can really let near me without having a panic attack. You can walk up and grab me without me freaking out. Alex, Kalem, and Dylan all still get yelled at for trying to grab me. The way you and I play around and wrestle is something I would never do, but you're my exception to this. You broke through some of my biggest issues that nearly a decade of psychological professionals couldn't. The true nature of things is that I'm scared of you because you have all the power, which is why I fight you so much on everything because giving up control with you would really be handing over all my trust and love and pray to the flying spaghetti monster that you won't hurt me (mentally anyway). Yes, things are about sex as well, because we actually match. I never thought I would ever be with someone I both loved and matched. It kind of annoys me that you turn me into a fucking personal puppet but I guess that's a good thing. I fucking love you! So deeply and it scares the shit out of me! I'm comfortable and happy in your arms and I sleep better than I ever have with you. I get really excited on my way over to see you. It scares the shit out of me that I’ve fallen hopelessly in love with you because I was horrified if I admitted it you could absolutely destroy my life. I Don't want to lose you from my life. At this point you're all I talk about, you're the only person I talk to constantly, the only person who can actually get close to me. You are the center of my universe." I'm not going anywhere; I'm not the type of sadist that would build this up just to destroy it. Many people live their entire lives without having someone express this intensity of feelings for them. It took her almost 4 months to say I love you to me, other than when she was drunk or dreamily in her sleep as I tuck the blankets around her when she shivers at night. She is everything to me as well, and I hope we always feel this way about each other. I had to leave town for a week for work last month. I put her day collar on her, and took both keys with me. She sent me a pic every morning and every night showing it on her... and other wonderful things of hers.

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