redjstrap13
Posts: 10
Joined: 11/3/2012
Status: offline
|
I am putting this on the chat boards so that i could have a little feedback and thoughts and maybe someone might stumble across it and learn from the wall i run into head first.
Updated Aug 21th 10:47 AM
Well, I, know what is wrong with me, I have ADD and SUB-FRENZIE , and it sucks.
The ADD, I have been learning about a lot longer then sub-frenzie, and i am starting to find a few correlations between it and sub-frenzie;
1. ADD in and of itself diminishes my ability to keep thoughts organized, now with medication this can be lessened to an extent, you add the high “i want to serve now” emotion to the mix and it leads to not just fracturing the thoughts but also high and rapid impulsiveness.
2. ADD and impulsiveness are bedfellows, you will find that a high number of people with a true diagnosis of ADD also have a much higher level of impulsive actions along with racing thoughts.
Hmmm…….now i could sit back and whine, pout, and claim its not my fault, look see i am disableable, ya right, that is what i like about ADD, yes, i am wired differently but this drive to not give up, to fail and keep going, it is like a raging inferno that is contained behind a lot of static, add medicine to help quiet the storm and watch the power unfold into focused energy that can accomplish anything.
To this effect I am trying to come up with a set of guidelines to follow so that i can lesson the strong emotions, and unfocusing power of sub-frenzy, i have started this by thinking through what triggers and energizes it.
Triggers that i find i have
1. in my trying to be respectful i use Sir and Ma'am, while this is a sign of respect it also starts the bubbling of sub-frenzie, so until i do know a little more and have a little more trust with someone i will use these words to a less extent, though not entirely.
2. Being called boy\slave also has this effect, again i will ask that until we know each other better i would ask that i am called by my name.
Things that feed sub-frenzie.
1. Pictures of Masters and slaves, this is one of my favorite things to look at but it only builds and adds to the need and want, so this found its way into the not yet ready pile.
2. Thoughts of being a slave, i have them all the time but i also need to think of other things, like writing this, it is very relaxing, in fact, because i am working on spelling and typing it is taking the focus off of being a slave and putting it to a better use as a learning tool, i think i might just start that book i have wanted to write and see what happens.
Knowing what i have really helps and this last encounter showed me that i need to “protect the property” as Lance Hughes says, more than from just outside, the “go with your gut” instinct is the best indicator i have found that will be best used to my advantage in this.
I have gone back and read my chats with Mr. LL and it is very apparent that i am not in a good frame of mind, i am forcing my slavery on him and he, being disparait also was not in a good frame of mind to even think about helping me, we basically started circling the drain about two days into the encounter.
I am not going to blame him or myself for this, it is what it is, Masters and slaves are human and this aspect needs to be learned for me to move on, i do hope that he also learns this because i know that there is still apart of me that still likes to think it could've worked, i do hope the very best to him and to any slave that does find its self serving Mr. LL.
My understanding in my slave-heart has grown, things that i learned include; “wills” and that was a good learning, that i can take pride in my slavery to a Master, to watch out for “wanting it now” emotions and to listen to my gut.
Listing to my gut,
This is very important as this is the best and fastest indicator of a relationship that i have learned so far. I remember asking LL to slow down and then i speed up but he did not slow down he instead followed me in the conversation, this i also felt was a bad thing as it meant i did all the talking and asking questions.
This also took away his ability to lead the conversation in a direction he wanted it to go, he never once said to slow down, he let me walk into a trap and never questioned me as to my motives or goals, this is also something i need to look out for, if the conversation is a one way street then it will not work.
I remember thinking, i don't know who he is, and then i dismissed it, bad idea, i asked him to call me or let me call him but he just talked it out of me promising that he would, this, i should've known was not a good sign but in sub-frenzie the fog of wanting it all right now was, is, cannot be a good start to any relationship.
I do know this about calling, if you or the other person is not willing to pick up the phone to talk then it won't work, stop trying and move on. Again stupidity rages through the air and common sense walk right out the door in the middle of a sub-frenzie fit.
Having sub-frenzy in this high speed was not a good thing as well when it came to orders, i want to do so much and instead of having the understanding to slow down Mr. LL just said “yes” or then gave me the order i wanted.
In this way i was forcing my slavery on to him not letting him decide if he wanted it or not, this in a way i controlled the situation and then also got myself into trouble by trying to follow an order that i could not follow anyway.
“on a side note”
I believe that any order that is long term or an everyday action should be discussed as to any consequences that might come up (work, school, doctors, etc), this should also include whether the order should be only a “private”(only at home) or could involve the public(still in effect outside the home), i think i need to ask questions to each and all orders i might encounter:
1. Why am i willing to follow this order? Is it because i want to for this Master or i don't want to be punished?
2. What is the length of time on this order and can i follow it to completion?
3. Will the order have any public encounters? If so, what are they?
Using the questions to open dialog about orders with a Master will do two things; it will help me judge the wisdom and experience of the Master and also allow me the time to think about the order and to judge how comfortable i am with the Master and following his orders.
side note over……... i told you i have ADD.
This i do believe is a good start and it will change as i learn more over time but for now i will use it as a starting platform, and see where it could use improvement and correction. My hope is to use it to help prevent wasting time(a Masters and mine), to help me stifle and hopefully learn to control this “sub-frenzie”, and to help find the person that i really do want to spend my life with.
a learning slave
DW
|
ADD and SUB-FRENZIE - 
Profile
New Messages
No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages
Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages
Locked w/o New Messages
Post New Thread