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NuevaVida -> Moving, money and mortgage (8/26/2013 8:56:14 PM)
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First, my disclaimer. The Mister and I have talked and are continuing to talk about this topic, and are basically leaving no stone unturned with regards to how I’m processing things. So this isn’t a question of advice, but of seeking to discover how others have maneuvered, and maybe I can learn some insight along the way.
That said, he has transferred his job up here, and we’re in the process of merging our households (Yay!). He is selling his house, and the plan is to buy a house up here for us to live in. He is buying the house, and we will both make a home together.
To my own surprise, I had a very hard time adjusting to the concept of him buying the house and me….well…contributing in other ways while saving my money. I’m talking pretty short of screaming and gnashing of teeth. He has been the epitome of patient while I’ve processed and worked out my fears, concerns, and incredible discomfort with the idea of not paying the mortgage. Again, we’ve talked this through, and it’s (mostly) not an issue for me now.
For me, what it boiled down to was an issue of pride and value. As I’ve posted here over the years, I was in a 20 year marriage in which I was the one relied upon for income and support. In fact, in that marriage, money was pretty much the only thing I contributed that he enjoyed and valued (he otherwise didn’t like me very much). Add to that, I have never been financially supported since I was 18 years old. I’ve always paid my way, and during times of hardship when I’ve had to borrow money, I quickly repaid my debt.
So for me, it was a combination of pride and of hmm…questioning what I’d be contributing? If I’m not being relied on for income, then what am I bringing to the table? Add to that a concern of, if he’s buying the house, will I feel like a guest in it once I’m living there? And then a big whammy - - If I’m not paying for it, I’m not in control. Yes! Control! In an M/s relationship! But there you have it. That’s what I found myself struggling with.
Meanwhile, he just wants to take care of me, and to see me rebuilding the nest egg I lost in my divorce (I’ll continue to work).
There have been no concerns at all about how we’ll interact and adjust relationship-wise, once we’re finally under one roof. We’ve evolved together rather wonderfully over the years, and both of us are confident that we’ll continue to do so with this big positive change coming our way.
So now that I’ve worked past the bulk of my money-related issues, I started wondering how others handled their merging of households.
Did one person handle all the mortgage/rent payments? If so, was it strange to let go of that?
Did the person making the payments prefer it that way? Did he/she feel more in control as a result? Were there resentments?
Did the person being supported feel vulnerable as a result? Was it an adjustment to feel financially supported?
Were other household expenses shared?
Did both people work? (or all people, if a poly situation)
Were there other financial concerns that came into play?
I understand finances is a pretty personal topic, and I don’t recall seeing other threads about how it felt to be supported financially, or how it felt to support someone else financially. Maybe because it’s a personal topic. Or maybe nobody really had concerns about it! But I appreciate any contribution.
Again, the issues I wrote about have been talked about and worked through, and he knows I’m starting this thread to see if there’s a gem of insight that might contribute to my own internal brain churns, while he and I continue to talk.
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