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RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/18/2013 6:19:46 AM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
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So if a guy approached you as a possible date, and then insulted you, would you keep talking to him? Whatever is acceptable to you for a potential date, should be what is acceptable for you here with BDSM thrown into the mix - it's no different. You meet people the same, interact with them the same, get to know them on the same type of progression, and when you find someone you wish to be in something more than just dating, then you enter that next phase of the relationship.

If men try to bypass the normal societal progression in favor of instant BDSM I kick them to the curb. Same for if they even bring up sex or kink. Think about it, when you meet a man at a party is the first thing out of his mouth anything about what you like to do when you are naked? Gosh, that would be inappropriate wouldn't it? Many men think that by coming to this site they get to bypass the 'usual' getting-to-know-you process and will find instant fulfillment for their horny thoughts. I don't know about you, but I'm not a charity worker here to donate my time for the endless line of men who need their penis attended to.

Your ideas about what a Dom/Master would do for you are romantically unrealistic and just as outlandish as a man expecting a stranger to attend to his penis. Dominants are not some class of superior human roaming the earth for random projects to exercise their Domliness on. They're men and women looking for a relationship that works for them.

There are hundreds of threads on these boards dealing with the subject of newbies, use the search feature to find them. I learned a lot just by reading the material here. Good luck!!

(in reply to tallandsweet16)

RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/18/2013 6:36:07 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: tallandsweet16

DarkSteven-- hearing your perspective, specifically, was enlightening.

Some women have chosen to express their appreciation by moving to Colorado and becoming my 24/7 love slave. I just thought I'd mention that.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to tallandsweet16)

RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/18/2013 7:35:17 AM

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
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I remember how it was for me when I first joined: I had never had so much male attention.
It was like a drug.

My advice to you is to slow down.

It is easier to be discerning if you aren't thinking you may find your "one" within a day or 2 of joining.
And in my opinion, you do need to develop discernment, if those you had thought could be lovely, turned on you when you didn't give them what they wanted.

I wouldn't be so quick to jump to phone or private emails or instant message-type chats.
And unless it is exactly what you want to do: unless you are into exhibitionism and don't care if videos of you end up all over the internet... I wouldn't go to cam until you are in an established relationship with someone you have met, and spent time with, face to face.

Be wary of instant collars (just add sub[missive partner]) or expressed desires to collar you (or someone) quickly.

You are new, and may have gotten your ideas about being a submissive woman from reading bodice rippers.
We all started someplace with an idea.or feeling that this somehow resonated with us.
But basing your knowledge of a power exchange relationship on fictional characters will make you vulnerable to those with less than honorable intentions and create a situation in which you will be disappointed over and over again.

You may think that because you are new, you don't really know what you want.
If that is the case, then write a list of what you don't want.
Don't put it in your profile but when you are getting to know people, bypass those who exhibit those traits or engage in those activities.

Finally, read some non-fiction.
http://www.amazon.com/Screw-Roses-Send-Thorns-Sadomasochism/dp/0964596008

and

http://www.amazon.com/Sm-101-A-Realistic-Introduction/dp/0963976389/ref=pd_bxgy_b_text_y

will both give you some information on safety, because no matter how much knowledge someone says they may have, in the end, you are responsible for keeping you safe.

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to tallandsweet16)

RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/18/2013 7:49:13 AM

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
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quote:

ORIGINAL: tallandsweet16
it sounds like, from the majority of responses--i need to cool my jets and take my time. will do. thank you all for taking the time to respond.

Yes... this.... a LOT of this. Consider -- generally no good comes of rushing into relationships in general. Rushing into them in order to turn over authority to someone you barely know is not a recipe for success. Why not just let that profile chill for a month or two until you fall off the "new profile" radar?. In the meantime, feel free to read, learn, and post here with us. It is a very different crowd over here on the discussion side of CM. So now, on to that learning part.

You NEED (in all caps no less) to serve and seek approval? What the hell does that mean? When I read it it sounds like you just read some piece of erotic fiction and it's got you all hot & bothered. What's with this sudden "NEED"? And how, exactly, does one "learn to please"? Are you referring to some sexual trick or techniques? Because otherwise, learning to please can be summed up as "do as your told" and it's not something one needs to learn.

While we're at it, would you care to elaborate on your "deficiencies"? I get it that you have some but I sure am hoping it is not your submissiveness that you are labelling such. When I was looking for a partner, I wanted a healthy partner not someone filled with self-loathing. Finally, there is no such thing as a "true dom". Since you're learning get that concept out of your head right now. You will run into a lot of guys. ALL of them are dominant in their own eyes. Some of them will be dominant in your eyes. A fraction of those will be dominant and honorable/good men in your eyes. A fraction of those will be compatible in that random "chemistry" way. That list little bit is the percentage that are "true doms" to you.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to tallandsweet16)

RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/18/2013 8:03:40 AM

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mfwN0X8YnWo

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to petitespot)

RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/18/2013 8:23:58 AM

Posts: 14414
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders
Since you admit you are new and don't know much, they tell you their version of how the world works, which boils down to 'I ticked the 'dominant' box and you ticked the 'submissive' box therefore you owe me instant obedience and sex'.

Athena nailed it.

A few thoughts for you:

1) Don't engage in power dynamics with people you haven't met. Until you've agreed to have a power dynamic, you do not have to behave submissively or take orders, etc.

2) A lot of wankers employ the "You're not a real submissive" guilt trip to engage a knee jerk reaction to prove yourself...and do what they want.

3) If someone starts off a conversation with kinks, limits, fantasies or body parts....that's probably all they're interested in.

4) Just because this is D/s BDSM doesn't mean that people get to behave like animals without manners. If someone is rude to you, shut them down and move on.

5) I haven't read every response, but I'm sure someone has said this: Go out and meet your local community. Find yourself a female submissive mentor from your local community. Attend demos, lectures and discussion groups. Read everything you can. And don't go getting into a seriously committed relationship until you have your feet under you.

6) BDSM D/s tends to break through a lot of internal walls. The endorphins, adrenaline and tingly genitals often get confused for love. Then about three months later, they realize they don't even like the person they're with. Date and get to know your partner before making any lofty commitments.

7) You'll need to figure out what a "collar" means to you. For me, it was a commitment equal to marriage and I was extremely picky about who that person was. For some people, it's symbol of a committed relationship. For some, it's a fashion accessory. I'm telling you this, so that when someone tells you that they wish to "collar" you, you can decide if you both hold the same ideals about what that means.

Good luck and have fun!

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/18/2013 9:48:23 AM

Posts: 3315
Joined: 7/18/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: petitespot

quote:

ORIGINAL: Needsguidance225

petitespot really, I told one that if he didn't like my answers to move on thought he would have a coronary. And op that you I think we are going to need that luck.

Coronaries are fun! I also like to delete unread when they get really annoying. That always sends them over the edge bigtime.
It's like poking them with a big stick.

Use delete unread, then block them! They foam at the mouth (not in the good way).

_____________________________

Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.
~ Rumi

Laughing Dolphin

(in reply to petitespot)

RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/18/2013 10:44:26 AM

Posts: 613
Joined: 9/18/2012
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Lol, oh dear.

As a newbie, you will instantly be attracting all the w*nkstains that the other submissives have kicked to the kerb (for good reasons). Anyone who is getting you to call them on the first day is a horrible chancer who doesn't deserve the attention they get.

D/s is just like ordinary dating - wait, talk, ask questions. I GUARANTEE that you cannot scare off a truly nice, worthwhile Dom with questions, patience and waiting until you feel a genuine sense of connection and attraction (and not just the instant rush of a flirtation.

One thing I always like to do to weed out the Doms from the insane psycho control freaks is to say no to them a few times - tell them you don't like this, or you don't like that, or no you won't call them, or send more pics, or basically anything they ask for in the first few conversations (because, why are they asking you for anything? They should just be getting to know you) to see how they react. If they in any way put you down for it, they're a waste of time, block and delete. A decent Dom probably wouldn't ask anyway, and if they did ask and get knocked back, they're confident enough to handle it and carry on trying to get to know you.

Just to repeat - you're new here, say no to everything unless you absolutely just cannot resist this wonderful man for whatever reason.

(in reply to tallandsweet16)

RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/18/2013 1:46:13 PM

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Joined: 10/17/2013
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Orgasmdenial, you couldn't be more right. A Dom who is a Dom for a deeper reason than sex, and would never push anything on a vanilla. You must take it slow and make sure the vanilla understands the meaning of being a sub. Now don't get me wrong, I know every sub has different needs. A vanilla though does not know their true needs yet until they find the right dom that they connect with.

_____________________________

The Master is an artist , His slave the clay, with the whip He will shape her , with humility He will mold her, Some will admire her, But only the Master, not even the slave, will know her true beauty, for her true beauty lies in her love for her Master.

(in reply to orgasmdenial12)

RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/18/2013 4:29:01 PM

MalcolmNathaniel

Posts: 1394
Joined: 9/20/2010
Status: offline

Mmm. Fresh meat. *drools*

Actually, I am just going to reiterate what others have said:

!) Take your time and get to know the person first.

2) It's possible that you'll meet your perfect guy right off the bat, but unlikely. How unlikely? Look at the statistics for winning the lottery.

3) Using the words "real master" or "real submissive" is a giant red flag. It's as big a red flag as they hang over Tiananman Square.

(in reply to Masterlikes31)

RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/18/2013 4:49:07 PM

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

look below at my signature. That should tell you everything you should need to know.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to tallandsweet16)

RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/18/2013 4:54:25 PM

Posts: 1104
Joined: 4/20/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tallandsweet16
when i expressed my nervousness or maybe didn't act in a way a submissive should--i was belittled. i was told 1) maybe that's why i can't find a man. and 2) how can i be successful in my business/career pursuits when i am so horrible at flirting on the phone.

Stop talking to fucktards.

_____________________________

If you're going to quote from the Book of Revelation,
Don't keep calling it the "Book of Revelations",
There's no "s", it's the Book of Revelation,
As revealed to Saint John the Divine.

(in reply to tallandsweet16)

RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/18/2013 7:38:55 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tallandsweet16

dear Sirs--

after my first day on this site i am feeling flustered. as you can see by my profile, i'm new to this whole scene. i haven't tried to hide that fact. i'm eager to learn to please, and i truly feel as though i am a submissive in my heart. ... i feel a NEED to serve and seek approval.

with that being said. i thought i had found one or two lovely connection possibilities...when i expressed my nervousness or maybe didn't act in a way a submissive should--i was belittled. i was told 1) maybe that's why i can't find a man. and 2) how can i be successful in my business/career pursuits when i am so horrible at flirting on the phone.

am i misunderstood that a true Dom and or Master would yes, exploit my deficiencies but also help me grow? learn? understand the true meaning and way to be His submissive? am i misunderstood that a true Dom would not be a bully or belittle me in my ignorance or inexperience in these pursuits? am i misunderstood in that a true Dom would challenge me, stretch me, help me grow in a firm, demanding, yet caring/non degrading way?

it's possible that i'm very misunderstood. and i am open to that criticism/feedback...but i would rather not be the brunt of a bully or somebody who thinks that by putting me down, i will grow...

with respect, Sirs...
tall & sweet.

Please understand that there is no standard for how a submissive 'should' act. When you get to the point in your relationship where you and your prospective Dominant have accepted a power exchange, then he'll tell you how he wants you to act.

These idiots are assuming there is some universal criteria and there isn't. They're projecting what they want you to do as something you'll automatically read their mind to know, and they're assuming that they have this right to impose a power exchange on you. They don't have this right, and there isn't a set of directions for you to follow that everyone knows about. As Apocalypso pointed out, they're fucktards.

(in reply to tallandsweet16)

RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/19/2013 10:50:26 PM

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Joined: 10/17/2013
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Hi again, everyone. I just wanted to follow up given all of the excellent advice you all so generously shared. I am grateful. ..and things are going much more smoothly these days. Thanks to all!! :)

(in reply to lizi)

RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/19/2013 10:59:59 PM

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tallandsweet16
Hi again, everyone. I just wanted to follow up given all of the excellent advice you all so generously shared. I am grateful. ..and things are going much more smoothly these days. Thanks to all!! :)

Yay for things going smoothly :)

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to tallandsweet16)

RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/20/2013 6:42:21 AM

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tallandsweet16

Hi again, everyone. I just wanted to follow up given all of the excellent advice you all so generously shared. I am grateful. ..and things are going much more smoothly these days. Thanks to all!! :)

Well. How unique and special of you to come and share. So seldom do people come back and give thoughts like these. Usually they just disppear and a few times they stomp off mad because they didn't hear what they wanted to hear.

You heard what you needed to hear... And I suspect it was like tasting bad medicine. But... I suspect you are heading in the right direction. Thank you for the courage to share... And I hope for the best for you.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to tallandsweet16)

RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/20/2013 7:30:42 AM

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Joined: 5/12/2005
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Life is better when you eliminate the fucktards.

Thanks for the follow up!

_____________________________

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."
Will Rogers, 1897-1935

(in reply to KnightofMists)

RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/20/2013 8:35:14 AM

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Joined: 10/17/2013
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How kind of you to acknowledge my effort. Thank you.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/20/2013 12:55:48 PM

ante

Posts: 21
Joined: 7/23/2007
Status: offline

I lost count as to how many times I've been told "you're not a submissive at all if you can't follow a simple order!" from some Dom who I've barely spoken two sentences to.

I'm pretty up front about not wanting to play, and yet that seems to be what most guys seem to be after. (Note, I'm not saying all...)

It's bullying tactics... oh.. and the "you have come to realise that you have this urge which takes over every waking moment and which you can't ignore. I'll help you explore and make sense of it all" followed by "instructions to help you grow".

And I'm sure it's tempting to Accept such "genuine" offers, but take it slowly... the players usually aren't patient and will want to rush into phone play for instance. Phone for verification is fine, but I don't think rushing into playing, unless that is what you are after too, is advisable.

Oh... and don't try and fit into some cookie mould... assuming that there is one certain shape which you have to be to be accepted... In my experience... it's the flaw which shows the true caracter... and what those genuine Doms find true beauty in...

(in reply to petitespot)

RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/20/2013 4:23:32 PM

Posts: 1
Joined: 7/22/2013
Status: offline

Personally I find it dumb as fuck when theres a dom/sub aspect when speaking to someone for the first time. Its a sign of a fake/casual, you cant truly worship or dominate a person you know nothing about. It takes a connection and time. Doms who treat every sub like they are already their personal sub,arent looking for a true submissive,they are looking for a fuck buddy.

(in reply to tallandsweet16)

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