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RE: help for "newbie" - 10/28/2013 2:24:14 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		Hi, OP, welcome to the discussion side.

I found your posts a little bit hard to follow, so tell me if I'm misunderstanding.

It sounds like at the moment you are very conflicted because you want to submit, but you are worried that you will feel bad after the experience. Two years ago, someone offered you the chance to go to her home and serve her (sorry but I wasn't clear from your posts if you were going for kink and sex, or just to clean and serve in practical ways) but you got scared, and you thought that she might have a sinister motive because she was so willing to have you in to her house.

Is that right?

I felt very conflicted at first. Not because I worried I wouldn't like it - because hey, life is full of unpleasant moments, right? - but because to submit to a man went against my upbringing which had a lot of emphasis on women being capable and strong and equal to men. So I can empathise with having mixed feelings.
However, it seems like you've been stuck with this conflict for several years now, instead of working through it.

It seems you didn't like the advice to be brave and get out there into the community, but from here it seems like the only fix for your problem. I think if you go to a munch and have a burger with a bunch of totally normal folks who happen to be kinky, it might help you feel reassured. Submitting, even to something humiliating, won't change who you are inside. You will meet a bunch of people who are in functional relationships, and a bunch of people who seem so normal and boring you will wonder what the fuss is about.

As for this dominant you talked to two years ago - maybe she had a sinister motive, maybe not. You didn't feel safe, and acted accordingly, and that's a good thing. But it's not something that should still be worrying you this far on. I think you need to have an experience to put things into perspective.

If you were to agree to go serve someone by say, scrubbing their kitchen floors and then giving a foot massage, and you don't enjoy it, what have you lost? An afternoon of time. Wouldn't you rather find out if you like it than sit worrying about it? Do you want to look back in ten years and think 'hey, I'm still in the same place, still not knowing'? Because I'd always rather try something than regret missing out.

Just let go of your inhibitions. Here are some things I struggle with, and I wonder if you do too: I worry that people won't like me. I worry about feeling stupid. I worry about things not being perfect, and disappointing me.

I have learned that 99% of people don't give you a second thought. So if you go to a munch or a play party, most people won't be thinking about you by the time they get home. So there's no need to worry about standing out or not being liked. If you don't like them, you don't need to see them again. So your gamble for going to a munch is this: possible loss=an hour of slightly awkward conversation. possible gain=a new friend, a new perspective on kink and submission, reassurance that you're not weird, meeting someone who wants to help you have that first experience. Seems like a no brainer, right?

Another thing I've learned is that things don't have to be perfect, and a slightly disappointing experience or some conflicted feelings is so much better than a lifetime of 'what if?' There are very few things in life that you only get to do once. Most of the time, when things don't go right, we can learn from it and make the next time better. This is especially true with human interaction. You go, you serve, afterwards you think, 'hmm, I wasn't quite happy with xx, so next time I'll yy'. So if you do feel bad about the humiliation, you have learned that it isn't for you, and next time you serve without humiliation, or do it in a different way. Find someone who will work with you and ta-da! Before you know it you have sculpted something beautiful.

I don't think people in this thread have been particularly harsh with you. Sorry, but I don't. On the other hand, I know it's easy to feel sensitive and exposed when you're not used to talking about such intimate things. There is a lot of knowledge and experience on this board though, so brush yourself off and join back in.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to circasurvive)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: help for "newbie" - 10/28/2013 2:34:44 AM   
circasurvive


Posts: 25
Joined: 2/4/2009
Status: offline 		Thanks for the tips, but personally, when i'm putting my heart out there i expect criticism i'm aware that there is the chance but when someone insults and then talks down to you like you're supposed to know all these things and when someone is just doing those things i feel offended. i get the purpose, that you have to be strong and put yourself out there and go the munches and meet people and be open, yet don't take things so much to heart. but when i sense sarcasm or someone trying to embarrass and insult me in a very real way i respond back. considering i didn't call her names and said i appreciate the feedback, she still continued to talk down to me and talk to me completely rude and trying to be mean. Athina you cant relate yourself to that person you explained and were very polite and respectful your not the same as someone who is just being negative you're being positive in the best way possible.

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: help for "newbie" - 10/28/2013 6:05:28 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: circasurvive

Thanks for the tips, but personally, when i'm putting my heart out there i expect criticism i'm aware that there is the chance but when someone insults and then talks down to you like you're supposed to know all these things and when someone is just doing those things i feel offended. i get the purpose, that you have to be strong and put yourself out there and go the munches and meet people and be open, yet don't take things so much to heart. but when i sense sarcasm or someone trying to embarrass and insult me in a very real way i respond back. considering i didn't call her names and said i appreciate the feedback, she still continued to talk down to me and talk to me completely rude and trying to be mean. Athina you cant relate yourself to that person you explained and were very polite and respectful your not the same as someone who is just being negative you're being positive in the best way possible.


Get past it, fella.

Some people you get along with, some you don't. Focus on the one you DO get along with, and DON'T complain to them about the others.

You're basically asking questions that re pretty individual. The only way to answer them is to jump into the pool and see what works for you.

Come on in. The water's fine.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to circasurvive)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: help for "newbie" - 10/28/2013 6:56:17 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: circasurvive
So, to turn into terms of an Ask A Mistress..What do You all think of it, does it appear a well natured, polite question?

That was your original question, OP.

So far, every person on this thread has gone to their first munch and lived to tell the tale. We all survived.

You think I'm being mean to you, but I'm not. It's just not as big of a deal as you're making it out to be. Every week, all across the USA, people go to their first munch. You may be the type of person who likes the real world local community. You might not. Either way, you're not going to find out sitting at home.

Lots of people are scared their first time. They imagine all kinds of things that don't come true. You're not going to walk into a room full of people who say any of the things that you mentioned in the original. That's all stuff that you've come up with in your own head.




_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to circasurvive)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: help for "newbie" - 10/28/2013 7:16:16 AM   
MasterCaneman


Posts: 3842
Joined: 3/21/2013
Status: offline 		What LadyPact said. You're reading way too much into it. I did it bass-akwards: I was in the scene for years before going to my first munch, and it was probably the most mundane scene-oriented activity ever (aside from setting up a playspace at a campsite). It was held in a Tim Horton's inside a supermarket, of all places. No one was in scene gear (except for one couple who sorta pushed the envelope in their streetwear), we drank overpriced coffee, had doughnuts, and generally had a nice couple hours getting to know one another better.

The hostess spent most of the time going over minutes of the local club's last meeting (and even a BDSM club has boring meetings, I discovered), gave out some info about upcoming events, updates on some workshops, little things like that. In short, it was a little like this place, only in the flesh. The nice thing about them is, if you don't like the scene, you stand up and walk away. No harm, no foul.

_____________________________

Age and treachery will always overcome youth and ambition.

The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting. ~ Sun Tzu

Goddess Wrangler



(in reply to circasurvive)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: help for "newbie" - 10/28/2013 8:33:01 AM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: circasurvive

i'm a young dude who wants servitude, but is afraid of the consequences. afraid of whats the feelings i'll have. will i feel badly? or maybe some type of guilt for allowing this humiliation that i really do at a core, sexually and nonsexually like. its something i go through, i'll be a big boy and take it but i hope i find someone who understands and tolerates, and maybe even loves at least the process..it doesn't mean i'm fake, it means i'm human, i'm trying understanding a social construct thats really vague to me..


To be honest with you, I had a difficult time figuring out what your actual question is. But here's some advice based on what I've read so far; JUST DO IT!

That's right, my advice to you is the Nike slogan. Just do it. You seem to be so wrapped up in your fears that you haven't been able to take that first step towards what you say that you desire.

I always say that "Most people could have the things that they wish for if they'd simply stop spending all of their time wishing, and start doing." Read that a couple of times, and let it sink in.

You see, like you, I'm a male sub. And I know that it can be scary at first. But ultimately, you have to get out there and try it. Sure, you CAN spend the rest of your life fantasizing, and allow your fear to prevent you from actually experiencing those things that you fantasize about. But what fun is that?

Every journey begins with the first step. So why not let us help you to take that first step? May I suggest that you go to FetLife and find out when the next munch is in your area. Then post the date here so that we all know that you've done it. Then the day after the munch, post here and tell us how it went. It's really that simple.

I hope I'm not talking down to you, but I really do see it as that simple. You're making something seem big and scary when it really isn't. The monster in your closet is just a shadow from the window. So stop being scared and go to a munch.

Good luck to you.
-Roch

(in reply to circasurvive)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: help for "newbie" - 10/28/2013 9:03:32 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: circasurvive
when someone insults and then talks down to you like you're supposed to know all these things and when someone is just doing those things i feel offended.

How does that help you? Honestly, that isn't a trait to hold onto. I haven't read the whole thread, and I'm not going to take anyone's side here. But you're just allowing other people to control and derail you, if you have a strong emotional reaction to what someone types.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to circasurvive)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: help for "newbie" - 10/28/2013 9:34:47 AM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: circasurvive

wait..isn't that what a journal is for? a wall of text..i'm gonna have to disagree with you that only James Joyce can write stream of consciousness..to be fair, i think my ramblings are conscience and to the point, and if i can't vent on my journal and show my feelings as they grow and evolve where else should i do that? i'm here for constructive criticism, but to insult my journal and dismiss it isn't what i'm here for. thanks for responding though, your time is appreciated nonetheless.



Dude, put whatever you want on your journal. That's what it's for. But when you come to the message boards, you'd better be able to present your thoughts and questions in a clear and concise manner if you want to receive quality feedback. You failed. If you're going to get into kink, you'll need to work on your communication skills. Communication is one of the keystones of WIIWD (what it is we do), so that's going to be important later.

Despite that, and despite the thinly-veiled advertising plug, you've received some very good suggestions. I helped get the first TNG group in my area off the ground and I've done the BDSM 101 presentation. It's really not as big and scary as you're making it out to be. If a bunch of 18-35-year-olds in the Bible Belt can cowboy up and go to a munch, so can you. Some of those TNG people formed lasting friendships with other people they met in the group and some of them are in long-term relationships. That's what going to demos and munches is all about...getting to know people in a safe public setting, making friends, and establishing trust with someone before you engage in kinky gymnastics with them.

Like Rochsub said, Just Do It.


_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl
"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to circasurvive)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: help for "newbie" - 10/28/2013 10:46:30 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

This is a journal entry I made tonight


I recommend you not think of the journal as a place for James Joycean type posts. When I was looking, I treated my profile and journal as a marketing tool with which to attract potential partners. I limited the journal entries to conversation starters like "Went to Roger Water's 'The Wall' last night - it was amazing!"

About the first 90 words from both your journal and profile will be displayed in the preview of your username, so you should make these 180 words count. Think of them as bait on your hook.

(in reply to circasurvive)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: help for "newbie" - 10/28/2013 11:37:34 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: circasurvive
.i'm gonna have to disagree with you that only James Joyce can write stream of consciousness..to be fair, i think my ramblings are conscience and to the point, and if i can't vent on my journal and show my feelings as they grow and evolve where else should i do that? i'm here for constructive criticism, but to insult my journal and dismiss it isn't what i'm here for. thanks for responding though, your time is appreciated nonetheless.


A few thoughts on this:

1) Very few people read James Joyce for entertainment. Stream of consciousness is an effort to read, and honestly, most people are going to skip a profile or journal written like that.

2) This is a written medium. The only impression people get is the words and how they're written. Even your posts in this thread lack punctuation or coherence. It takes very little effort to correct those issues. So, you're saying you're not willing to make an effort? If so, why do you think that a Fem Domme would chose to be with someone that won't make a effort about the image they put forth?

3) Sub men far outnumber female Dominants. That means you need to present yourself in the best possible light because you have a massive amount of competition. So, I would suggest that when your target audience gives their perspective...you should probably listen.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to circasurvive)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: help for "newbie" - 10/28/2013 12:09:20 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

I recommend you not think of the journal as a place for James Joycean type posts. When I was looking, I treated my profile and journal as a marketing tool with which to attract potential partners. I limited the journal entries to conversation starters like "Went to Roger Water's 'The Wall' last night - it was amazing!"

About the first 90 words from both your journal and profile will be displayed in the preview of your username, so you should make these 180 words count. Think of them as bait on your hook.



I completely agree with this. The profile area that is labeled journal is most effectively used not as it is labeled- the word journal implies a private gathering of thoughts, but this journal is actually public. With that in mind, I think it's smart to look at it as another piece from which to market yourself.

Filling your journal with self-indulgent chatter is pretty much interesting to the person the profile belongs to, and no one else. I think it can definitely work against the profile owner to have stream of consciousness type journal entries. If I'm looking for a partner, I'm looking for someone I can relate to and seems to have a vested interest in others (perhaps me); if he's focused inwardly I don't find that attractive.

Quite honestly, why would other people care about what you have to vent about? Negativity is unattractive. If someone is worked up and ranting at the customer service desk while I'm waiting in line, it pisses me off - I don't really care about what that person is pissed off about, and just wish he'd move on and let me have my turn.

If I cared about you already, then maybe I'd want to read your innermost thoughts and rants, or the evolution of your feelings. As it is, I have no interest in it. You're not the special of a snowflake that strangers will care, so why not keep that stuff to yourself and write it in a paper journal instead? You are invested in yourself, how you feel, and what you do. No one else really sees you as all that special, and consequently they don't really care about your tender feelings and how invested you are in them. See that as mean if you like, I happen to think it's honest and it's how i live myself. I don't expect the world to care much about me.

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: help for "newbie" - 10/28/2013 12:15:38 PM   
Laurielee


Posts: 12
Joined: 10/22/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

This is a journal entry I made tonight


I recommend you not think of the journal as a place for James Joycean type posts.


I couldn't agree more.

Love, Aunty Ellie x

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: help for "newbie" - 10/28/2013 1:34:01 PM   
TigressLily


Posts: 436
Status: offline 		Aunty Ellie, nice to have you join in with your first post. Hope to see you around more often.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Laurielee

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

I recommend you not think of the journal as a place for James Joycean type posts.


I couldn't agree more.

Love, Aunty Ellie x


OP, it's true that a public journal is not the same as your private journal. You can utilize it as you see fit, but as the others have explained, it is a marketing tool and you should use it as an extension of your profile.

As for munches, whether you report back to us as Roch suggested isn't a relevant factor, but that's where you'll find the casual, non-threatening atmosphere you need. You seem to harbor the fear that an experienced BDSMer is going to spring some sort of non-consensual crap on you. All the more reason for you to meet like-minded kinksters at a munch. The odds are in your favor. No real BDSMer is going to act against your consent; you could just as easily encounter a whackjob on a vanilla date. When you asked back on Post #7 "was i wrong about being worried about either this sinister plot, or the personality of someone willing to do that only after a week of conversation." your being wary is understandable. Being scared nearly 2 years later isn't.

This Domme should have waited much longer than a week to get to know you better and also screened you better than she did, no doubt. What was she thinking? Not only that, it is customary for a male sub to offer himself up for inspection as part of the consideration process. Nothing overtly sexual, but you do have to strip naked and be inspected, especially if your prospective Mistress plans to use you as her bull slave or for sexual servicing. If she did not make this clear to you, then perhaps you misunderstood her intent. You say she wanted you sexually, so since you were only about 20 then, you were probably freaking out about how you would perform. No, I don't believe she was planning on having her service subs gang up on you and violate you or commit other unspeakable acts once she had you over (although there are subs unlike yourself who would get into that fantasy scenario). You should have suggested meeting on neutral ground at a public spot. Keep that in mind when the opportunity presents itself again.

Remember, he who hesitates is lost. Good luck however you decide to handle matters.

_____________________________

That Orbed Maiden with White Fire Layden
Whom Mortals Shall Call the Moon ~ Lord Byron
She Moves in Mysterious Ways . . . On Your Knees, Boy. ~ U2

(in reply to Laurielee)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: help for "newbie" - 10/28/2013 1:51:27 PM   
circasurvive


Posts: 25
Joined: 2/4/2009
Status: offline 		I get it, just do it. But really all you people saying I don't make sense are really confusing because you get the point of what i'm saying. it bothers me that i'm making the impression that i'm this selfish person only capable of making comments about myself..i do the journals so people can see me as i am. i'm not trying to trick people, but i suppose i do need to..And to TigressLily i'm not scared two years later, more of me just trying to reflect on my past experiences and if i handled them right.

(in reply to TigressLily)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: help for "newbie" - 10/28/2013 2:19:05 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		First things, first, OP. I've sent you a private email to apologize. It is waiting for you on the other side.

I actually don't think you're being selfish. I was the hardest on you of anybody here and even I didn't come up with that.

The reason, I think, that people get what you're saying is because *many* people experience the same fear of going out to meet people. Lots of people have that reaction, so they can identify. I'm not going to say they reached that identification because of the way you explained it, but they have their own experiences to draw on. Not all of us do. I never saw My first munch as anything different than going to a new book club or chapter of the PTA.

I'm more of the mind that you make sense because thousands upon thousands of people have created some version of this very same thread long before you showed up. If you hit the search feature and try keywords "first munch" or "first play party" you will find more entries than you can possible read.

As to the private journal entry.......

I may be in the minority on this, but I don't do a lot of journal reading of those where I have no current, personal connection. There are so many males who check the 'submissive' box on this site that I don't think any female could keep up with that. If you peek someone's interest, they might read. My personal experience is the opposite because I'm a female top. I could create a male submissive profile, write the same things that I do now that gets tons of attention, and if I did the same from the other perspective, nobody would give a crap.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to circasurvive)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: help for "newbie" - 10/28/2013 5:45:34 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: circasurvive

I get it, just do it. But really all you people saying I don't make sense are really confusing because you get the point of what i'm saying.


Sorta. I gto maybe 80%-90% of what you wrote and it wasn't easy to do that.
quote:



it bothers me that i'm making the impression that i'm this selfish person only capable of making comments about myself..


I didn't get that impression.
quote:



i do the journals so people can see me as i am. i'm not trying to trick people, but i suppose i do need to..


Nope. We're objecting to the form, not the content. It's not tricking people to try to write concisely.
quote:



And to TigressLily i'm not scared two years later, more of me just trying to reflect on my past experiences and if i handled them right.



_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to circasurvive)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: help for "newbie" - 10/28/2013 6:38:25 PM   
NiceButMeanGirl


Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline 		Circasurvive,

Is the basic issue you're having being afraid of going to your first munch? I've gotta tell you, I used to be shy, probably beyond what's "normal." I was terrified of my first one too. You know what I did? I took a friend with me, a friend who wanted to go to her first munch too but she was just as terrified as I was.

The first one, I pretty much just sat and observed and I noticed the people there were just "regular people." It was just the conversation was a lot more interesting than that of a lot of vanilla folks. So I went back to my second one and it was a little easier. By the third munch or so, I was mingling because the people were no longer scary to me. I had watched them for a couple munches and found out they were cool.

Now, I'm hugely involved in the local BDSM community. The best thing you can do is get thee to a munch, even if you take a friend with you the first time or two. If you don't know where the closest one is, Google "<your city> munch" and you're sure to come up with something. If you live in a little town, use the name of your county or the next larger city instead. You're bound to find out where one is. Better yet, get on Fetlife and use their Events search. It's great.

NBMG

_____________________________

I'm now SweetlySadistic1 on CollarSpace. NBMG is an old profile, please see my new one.


(in reply to circasurvive)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: help for "newbie" - 11/1/2013 1:06:58 AM   
circasurvive


Posts: 25
Joined: 2/4/2009
Status: offline 		i realize my hamhocked attempt to fix my profile..thanks for advice, all of you!

(in reply to NiceButMeanGirl)
Profile   Post #: 38
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