How much contact is too much contact?

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How much contact is too much contact? - 11/26/2013 2:16:03 PM

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Everyone needs personal space. However finding someone I am interested in. I want to be with that person every minute I can.

She has a job that she works long hours, she has personal commitments, that don't include me. In other words she has a life that didn't include finding me.

I don't want to appear as a psycho stalker, but I am smitten

RE: How much contact is too much contact? - 11/26/2013 2:20:51 PM

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Talk to her. How much is too much depends on her and how much she likes it or if it stresses her out
I dont know your personal life but perhaps getting a hobby or doing something constructive with your energy when you cant be together as well

What some people see as lovely closness others will find a suffocating stalker, neither is right or wrong, just right or wrong for them

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RE: How much contact is too much contact? - 11/26/2013 4:00:56 PM

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I am the same as you Op io want to be with him any spare time he has. I know he needs his downtime so every friday he goes out for a movie just the guys. Other than that the time time he spends at work is enough him time as he requires. If differes with people.some would feel smothered by that, but it works for us.

Matt'a littleone

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RE: How much contact is too much contact? - 11/26/2013 4:10:14 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: YourBigDaddy67

Everyone needs personal space. However finding someone I am interested in. I want to be with that person every minute I can.

She has a job that she works long hours, she has personal commitments, that don't include me. In other words she has a life that didn't include finding me.

I don't want to appear as a psycho stalker, but I am smitten

I would say take it slowly. It sounds like a new thing and it takes time before you will become each others' priority. Be happy she has a job; it's better than finding someone lazy. Be happy she has personal commitments, it means she has a life. Eventually, if all goes well, those commitments *will* involve you in the future.

Good luck to you. :)

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RE: How much contact is too much contact? - 11/26/2013 4:31:39 PM

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To the OP: listen carefully to what she is saying to you.
IF she says she does not have time for a relationship, believe her and let it go.

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RE: How much contact is too much contact? - 11/26/2013 4:33:57 PM

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I guess the thing is this, I haven't actually Dated in a long time. I haven't dated in a long time, metaphorically speaking I've been in the Deseret with no water and have come across an oasis, in the waste land.

Most people would say drink to get your fill but I am smart enough to understand that I am dehydrated and drinking deep and long is only going to give me stomach cramps. I understand that I have to be smart about it, I can't rush into this. However tempting it would be to drink till my stomach is ready to bust.

Patience, has never been a virtue of mine. I was raised as an only child and so I got what I wanted when I wanted it. As an Adult I have been told that I have the patience of a saint and I have been told that I have no patience at all.

It is a time like this that I have been looking at my past relationships and I see where my lack of patience has destroyed many of my relationships.

I do not what that to happen with this one, I am happier, more comfortable, more at ease with myself and even more dominant when I am with her, than I have been with other women. I haven't felt this way about a woman since when I met my ex wife. This woman is everything that my ex wife was not even when we were happy.

I try to remind myself that the star that burns the brightest burns the briefest, but it kind of sucks when I am for lack of a better word "infected" with my desire for her.

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RE: How much contact is too much contact? - 11/26/2013 5:01:40 PM

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Talk to her. Let her know what you want and ask her what she wants. After that, take it slow. Everyone is different on how much time they want to spend together.

Master and I like to spend as much time together as possible but because of work and sleep and other commitments we both know it's just not possible so we work around those issues. Plus we both like alone time. So we also make sure to give each other that. If we find we need it more we just tell each other and abide by that.

I can understand about being an only child though. My daughter is an only child and is exactly like you. She loves to be around people and when she is not around people she gets frustrated and upset. So she found a guy who wanted that as much as she did. She still has difficulties with it though because she still doesn't get enough since she seems to want people around her 24/7 and she just can't have that even with friends. As she gets older she's had to learn how to control that and learn to be happy with being alone as well.

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RE: How much contact is too much contact? - 11/26/2013 6:11:39 PM

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Is this coming from her? Has she told you that you contact her too often?

Or is this coming from you?

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RE: How much contact is too much contact? - 11/26/2013 7:16:24 PM

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When I met the Mister I was perfectly happy being single. My life was very full (still is, actually). If he had come on too strong and not given me the space I needed to figure out how I even felt about being with someone again, I'd have vanished.

One of the things I loved about getting to know him was that he respected where my life was at the time, and how many things I had going on. It wasn't long until my other commitments eventually got rearranged so my time could be spent with him...by my own choice and my own doing. But that had to happen on its own course.

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RE: How much contact is too much contact? - 11/26/2013 7:30:03 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

Is this coming from her? Has she told you that you contact her too often?

Or is this coming from you?

Nope, this is coming from me.

I started this thread as an attempt to see from the woman's stand point. When I was in High School I secretly read seventeen magazine, so that I could see what the other side thought. What was it that Sun Tzu said "Know thy Enemy Know thy self". No I do not see women as the enemy but I do know that as a man and as a Dom I will never see things as a woman sees them.

as one of the other poster's pointed out that he daughter NEEDS contact. And I guess I do too.

My family are big touchy feely people. There was always a hug when you needed one, and now my parents have passed and I as an only child do not get that affection that I did, and I crave it.

Wow, I guess I am being probably more honest than most Doms are about their feelings. Too often I see men who to paraphrase my grandmother "think they are a man because they can (swing a paddle) "

I see that as one of my pluses in this world and lifestyle that I am honest and I do have emotions.

I haven't Dated so to speak in seventeen years. Over the past ten years it has been more of a case of pure animal lust, since my divorce and rare has the emotion set in.

However, with this young lady, I feel emotions that I have not, desires that I have not, felt in a very long time.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

RE: How much contact is too much contact? - 11/26/2013 8:23:58 PM

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~FRing it~

I second the advice about a sit-down between you two where cards get laid on the table. She may not want to seem too clingy either, so she isn't pushing for more contact. Or maybe this is really all that she can realistically offer you. It's going to be up to you to decide if that's satisfactory for you and if it isn't, perhaps finding someone who can offer you what you are seeking might ultimately be a better fit for you. And more fair for you both. Not knowing you or her, I can't personally say either way. But I wish you luck.

Do you think that perhaps you have a bit of frenzy yourself because you are what sounds like being in the midst of writing a new chapter in your life?

< Message edited by SeekingTrinity -- 11/26/2013 8:24:50 PM >

(in reply to YourBigDaddy67)

RE: How much contact is too much contact? - 11/26/2013 10:58:10 PM

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Four years ago I started dating this guy I met on cm. He was really nice, fun to be with, and seemed to tick many of the boxes. Both of us had been single for a while - he'd been divorced several years and I was an expert at living alone

First 2 dates were great. We went out for a drink on the wednesday and then for dinner on the saturday. Work commitments meant that we couldn't see each other until the following friday. I said to come round for dinner and, if things went well, he could stay overnight. They went well.

But by the sunday morning and he was still here, I had to ask him to leave because he just wasn't getting the big hints I'd been dropping.

I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and we had a discussion about taking things slowly and getting set for possibly the long term. Well, the next date a few days later started out fine. He told me he'd been offered the job he'd wanted, but it was in a town a few hours away. He had a sister that lived nearby, and he said he could come and stay with her for the weekend and we could go out.

I thought that sounded good...it meant I had my independence and I still got to date him. But by the end of the date he'd decided (without any any input from me at all) that he was going to stay with me from friday night to sunday evening every weekend. And then he dropped the 'L bomb'.

That was our last ever date. He was a really nice guy, but smothering. If he'd taken it slowly we'd possibly still be together. If he'd actually listened when I explained how I was feeling, things might have improved.

Not every woman is the same, so the only thing that you can do is talk to her, listen to her and actually follow her lead in this. Master did with me, and we've been together 3 years now and planning on moving in together.

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RE: How much contact is too much contact? - 11/27/2013 9:52:27 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I can understand about being an only child though. My daughter is an only child and is exactly like you. She loves to be around people and when she is not around people she gets frustrated and upset. So she found a guy who wanted that as much as she did. She still has difficulties with it though because she still doesn't get enough since she seems to want people around her 24/7 and she just can't have that even with friends. As she gets older she's had to learn how to control that and learn to be happy with being alone as well.

That's funny, because I'm the opposite. I was an only child and I've always been very self sufficient. So, someone that wants to be with me 24/7 drives me crazy. I absolutely need alone time. (I can only tolerate someone staying in my house for a few days at a time.)

Master is the opposite. He and his sister are only two years apart and they're the children of alcoholics, so they became used to being each other's support system. It took awhile for him to understand that my need to have alone time had nothing to do with how I felt about him. It's just my way of unwinding.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 11/27/2013 9:58:34 AM >

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RE: How much contact is too much contact? - 11/27/2013 10:09:51 AM

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What is barely enough contact for one person may be way too much contact for another.

Himself and I are married, but we talk on the phone or via email 2-3 times a day on average when he is at work. More than that and I would fine it smothering. Less than that and I would miss him.

We are both in agreement about this -- which is why we are compatible.

There are people who need to be in touch a dozen times a day or more, others think once a day is a lot.

The only way to know is to ask her.

You are correct in looking for compatibility in this area. It's hard to change this type of communication need.

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RE: How much contact is too much contact? - 11/27/2013 10:26:31 AM

Kana

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All I can say is if I don't get an hour or two of personal time a day I slowly fray and go haywire...which usually works out poorly for her.
I need my downtime. Fuck with it at your own expense.

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RE: How much contact is too much contact? - 11/27/2013 11:23:13 AM

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Talk to her about her alone time needs. Is she an introvert or an extrovert.
Because birth order doesn't determine this.

Introverts recharge energy from being alone. Extroverts recharge by being with others. That's it. Find out which she is, and if you call up and can't tell how tired she is, ask her. Ask if she has a few minutes to talk or if she's had the day from hell and needs to sit in absolute silence till she feels better.

If she comes home from work and needs to be alone, then get in the habit of a bedtime call when she's calmer.
If she finds half an hour chatting to make her feel better, then call when she gets home.

The only person who knows what she needs is her. She is the world's expert on her.

In the meantime, if you're starving for skin touch, get a massage regularly. It will fill that need and you won't be as desperate when with a new person.

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 11/27/2013 11:25:53 AM >

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RE: How much contact is too much contact? - 11/28/2013 10:22:34 AM

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I love my alone time. My sweetie and I spent Friday afternoon to Sunday afternoon , and Wednesday evening together, and while we aren't living together, that's good for me. When I was married my ex wanted to call and talk when I was at work. He couldn't understand that I had a job that I couldn't just drop to chat. Thank goodness my sweetie isn't that way. In fact, apart from the times we are together, we usually don't communicate. And that suits me just fine. I have things to do and books to read. I NEED my alone time.

and I can't describe how much I am looking forward to my adult child moving out.

We didn't actually talk about time together. I pretty much let him dictate it, and luckily, his need matched mine. Very serendipitious.

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RE: How much contact is too much contact? - 11/28/2013 1:33:33 PM

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As soon as I feel like they're being needy, any attraction I feel just switches off and won't switch back on again.

I like a man with his own life, interests, friends and preoccupations. If he's sat around waiting for me to answer his texts, it bores me and it puts me off him.

Honestly, I like the thrill of the chase, a little bit. When a man is too available, it tells me that I can do better than him, and then I do.

Neediness is not sexy. Talking to her about it would be a very bad idea. You should try to get out more and see friends. Letting her guess you're obsessed with her could be a very quick relationship killer.

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RE: How much contact is too much contact? - 11/28/2013 2:31:56 PM

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Ello OP,

I think there's been a lot of good advice so far, but here's my take.

You're worrying too much, man. If you've been out of the game for a while, then you know... there's a good chance you'll fuck up a couple of times - Fuck knows, I did! (and continue to).

You also need to reflect a tiny bit on the extent to which you're "smitten" and the extent to which she is... where there's a big imbalance of smittenness then.. it's troublesome.

Obviously I can't read your mind, so don't have a "theory" one way or the other... but could your smittenedness have something to do with the time you've been in the desert, and the loveliness of the oasis (although, to be honest - you kicked the arse out of the desert analogy yourself!).

My advice is...

Worry less. You seem to be a smart man, with a profile that's not too shabby - if it doesn't work out with Ms Oasis, you'll find River in no time.

Talk to her... level set - But yeah, fuck yeah, don't come over as needy.

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RE: How much contact is too much contact? - 11/28/2013 7:26:59 PM

Kana

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quote:

Neediness is not sexy

QFFT

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