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FieryOpal -> RE: Dommes With No Real Clue (2/18/2014 5:30:36 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009
....Many Dommes do that because they feel that they have to. Far too many male subs get their ideas from porn. So they don't want to take the time to get to know the woman first. Instead, they expect an "insta-Domme". If the Domme doesn't act bossy and demanding right from the beginning, many male subs will accuse her of "not being dominant enough". More importantly, some male subs will get indignant and send nasty messages to the Domme. Others will simply move on until they find an "insta-Domme" who matches their fantasy. I'm sure that some of the ladies here will confirm that opinion.
I don't envy the Dommes. There are a lot of guys out there who self-identify as "subs", but in reality, they are simply fetishists who want someone to bring their fantasy to life. Submission is far less important to them than getting their kinky itch scratched. Topping from the bottom is the norm, and the ladies are usually expected to act more like service tops than actual Dommes. It's a tough situation. The Dommes have to weed through a lot of frogs before they find a single prince. Frankly, I think it's fair to say that 90% of the male "subs" are frogs. I get embarrassed when I see how some of the male subs behave. And I don't have to weed through 100 emails per week like the ladies do.
Very perceptive of you. I don't see a Domme's assertive behavior as being presumptuous. Every woman has the right to expect to be shown respect. In my profile I specifically instruct male subs or switches to "approach me like a gentleman" and roughly 98% of them have, to my amazement. This Domme's remark about when meeting this prospective sub, he can show her the "proper respect" is ambiguously worded and could mean all sorts of different things. She should have made it clear how she meant that or else this has simply become a figure of speech to her when dealing with anyone new.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009
I may be able to help you. You seem to be of the opinion that since the Domme is the dominant party in the interaction, she should therefore take on the male role in the interaction. She should become the suitor, and she should pay for dates, meals, etc. just as a male would in a traditional vanilla relationship. However, in my experience, that usually isn't the case.
While every individual will have their own way of doing things (and surely SOME women will pay for the first date), most of the Dommes that I have interacted with have clung to the traditional "man should pay" format for dates (particularly first dates). I have NEVER had a Domme pay for the first meeting.
But unlike you, I didn't find this to be problematic. You see, in vanilla dating I always paid for first dates (and most of the follow-up dates). That's simply how it is in most cultures. The man pays. It's like the old joke about prostitutes; "Men may as well pay a prostitute, since we're going to end up paying for sex anyway".
While Dommes identify as "dominant", most seem to still want to be treated like ladies. They tend to enjoy being courted. They want to be swept off their feet. They like being wined and dined. They enjoy receiving flowers. They enjoy receiving nice gifts. In general, I find that Dommes aren't very different than what you've probably experienced with your wife or vanilla girlfriends. Quite simply, women are women.
It does become confusing sometimes. But I have found that it is safest to assume that I should behave as an old-fashioned gentleman. When I am trying to get to know a Domme, I buy them flowers, open doors, help them with their coat, pull out their chair, pay for meals etc. At some point, the Domme will correct me and tell me the behaviors that she doesn't want to see from me, or instruct me on the behaviors that she DOES want to see from me. But until I have been given that direction, I have always found that chivalry is generally an acceptable mode of behavior.
A MALE SUB WHO GETS IT. Thank you. There is a fallacy prevalent in the minds of the general population of adult males - not just subs - that our F/m dynamic somehow denotes a role reversal and it doesn't. I don't turn into a male version of myself. I'm not looking for a feminine version of a man. Sissies, cross-dressers, and bisexual males are a HUGE turn off in the romance dept. On a platonic basis, fine. If a man can't act like a man and doesn't know how to treat a woman with the "proper respect" and consideration, then I wouldn't need one now, would I?
[Edited to switch out phrase]
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