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Female subs and humiliation - 12/20/2013 2:09:33 PM

WM4BF

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The topic of humiliation play has always intrigued me, as it is so counter-intuitive. I wouldn't expect someone to like, enjoy, and be turned on by it. You ladies who enjoy it, can you tell me how you like to be humiliated? Can you share why it excites you? When I think of humiliating someone, I think of embarrassing them physically and intellectually in front of others. I suppose making her do certain tasks, or admitting her secrets would also be humiliating. I need some guidance here. Please share your stories and insights. Thanks in advance.

< Message edited by WM4BF -- 12/20/2013 2:12:22 PM >

RE: Female subs and humiliation - 12/20/2013 3:43:05 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: WM4BF
When I think of humiliating someone, I think of embarrassing them physically and intellectually in front of others.

I'm not into humiliation, but I do hope that when you say "others", you mean people that are aware and have consented to be part of your kink.

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RE: Female subs and humiliation - 12/20/2013 4:13:51 PM

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I had an ex into having me do humiliating things in public. This rapidly became a Hard Limit.

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RE: Female subs and humiliation - 12/20/2013 4:19:35 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

I had an ex into having me do humiliating things in public. This rapidly became a Hard Limit.

I'd totally make you wear a sign "will werk fer edjumakation!" If that doesn't make your inner grammar nazi explode

nuthin will.

Exiled

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RE: Female subs and humiliation - 12/20/2013 5:04:02 PM

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Humiliate - to make humble.

Many people are closet fans of humiliation and they don't even know it. Being humbled is a matter of degrees. There are so many variations and nuances to this, it ranges from completely being dehumanized to simply being treated according to your station as subordinate, to be made humble. Go next door and slap a dog collar on the vanilla neighbor's wife... you'll learn about how humiliating she feels that is.

The Collar is a part of many relationships, some of whom will post replies here telling they aren't into humiliation. One day they will come out of their closets and realize that they do humiliating things and like it. I hope when that time comes, it opens them to explore other aspects of it.

The point is, to explore the many variations and nuances, a good book (see sig link) or mentor would help you advance more quickly.

good luck.

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(in reply to WM4BF)

RE: Female subs and humiliation - 12/20/2013 5:06:24 PM

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I'm sorry, but I'm not seeing the connection between humiliation and subs being female.

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RE: Female subs and humiliation - 12/20/2013 6:44:08 PM

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RS: why do you think that because we might do something that someone else finds humiliating, that it means we also do?
Because we don't.

I like being on a leash, being led around by him. But I don't find it humiliating.

To have humiliation work for you, there needs to be a degree of inability to admit what you find arousing because of old tapes in your head.
Those of us brought up in sex positive homes, don't have any erotic embarrassment or arousing humiliation or degradation buttons.

And you can't push a button that isn't there.

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RE: Female subs and humiliation - 12/20/2013 9:42:19 PM

AthenaSurrenders

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It's difficult to give any meaningful guidance because everyone is so very different.

I would say that public play is going to be a hard limit for some, so you need to make absolutely sure that her definition of humiliation matches yours before you go ahead and try it.

I would say my tastes for humiliation are very, very mild. They're also a bit of a minefield, and probably not one a new partner should navigate. For humiliation to work for me, it has to touch on some uncomfortable truth otherwise it doesn't work. If he calls me sexually derogatory names which imply I'm not as pure and wholesome as my upbringing would suggest, it works, because there's an element of truth. If he calls me stupid, it doesn't work, because I don't feel that's true at all - it feels like he's making things up.

Then, on the other hand, I don't want anything that cuts too deeply. I'm really insecure about certain body parts, so calling them ugly or disgusting would probably upset me.

What IS very important to me is his arousal, and his total acceptance of who I am. If he calls me fat while we play and he has a raging hard on, I can get into the game. I also know that later he will tell me how beautiful I am and make me believe it. On the other hand, if he were to call me fat during play and act like it turned him off - no arousal, refusing to touch me, etc - and during our daily lives made comments about watching what I eat, then it would just eat away at my self esteem, because he clearly doesn't accept the whole of me.

So I suppose for me, humiliation is like exposing the worst and/or most secret parts of a person and poking them a bit, all the while accepting the whole person utterly.

Those were all verbal humiliation examples, but I'm sure you can see how the same mindset could translate to say, a humiliating act or bondage position.

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RE: Female subs and humiliation - 12/20/2013 11:56:30 PM

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We do stuff that I guess others might find humiliating, but only in the 'humbling' part of the definition that RS pointed out. Kneeling and collars are the most obvious ones but there are others that I'm not going to share.

Now, if he decided to call me 'fat' or 'stupid' in public, that wouldn't be humiliating, it would be devastating. So much so that the relationship would likely end. If he did it in private, he'd then have to deal with the anger and hurt that came with that. Not exactly sexually thrilling.

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RE: Female subs and humiliation - 12/21/2013 12:20:14 AM

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FAST REPLY

I think giving blowjobs is humiliating. And frankly, I can't enjoy blowjobs in like a loving relationship where you are blowing someone lovingly. I need to be forcefully grabbed and fucked in the mouth to enjoy it. It has to be done in a humiliating manner.
I also enjoy verbal humiliation, like being called, slut, cunt, cum bucket, those things.

But it's interesting for example DesFIP processes it that because she enjoy the collar and leash, it's not humiliating. Whereas I process it as I enjoy the collar and leash precisely because it's humiliating, and when it is humiliating, it gets me wet.

But no public humiliation for me, I will humiliate the dom back if he ever does public. I do have a temper and public humiliation will set it off big time.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 12/21/2013 12:21:10 AM >

(in reply to myotherself)

RE: Female subs and humiliation - 12/21/2013 3:20:40 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist
Humiliate - to make humble.

I'm not saying that you're wrong but, for me, being humiliated and being humble are not the same thing. The feeling of being humble is a lovely, warm, fuzzy feeling of smallness. Being humiliated, however, is a furiously red-faced, angry, defensive, unwanted feeling.

I would perhaps suggest that there is a difference between humiliation play, and feeling humiliated. After all, if you don't feel humiliated, is it really humiliation play?

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

RE: Female subs and humiliation - 12/21/2013 3:47:20 AM

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I agree, being humbled and being humiliated are two different things to me.

Humiliation has a connotation of deep shame.

I like a certain amount of humiliation play, like Athena is very personal and not to be done by someone who doesn't know me.

I'ts not necessary to indulge in humiliation if it's not your kink.

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RE: Female subs and humiliation - 12/21/2013 3:53:09 AM

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I believe many types of humiliation are to embarrass the submissive. A few examples could be being spanked and other types of discipline, especially verbal discipline. It moves from that onto things like body worship, animal play and forced masturbation or consensual forced penetration type scenarios and water sports.

If someone doesn't feel humiliated by the above, it only makes it 'not' humiliating to them but this person can't speak for everyone. Some people would find all of the above hugely humiliating but in a delicious and enjoyable way.

Degradation is a whole other ball game. When you consensually degrade someone, you may tell them they are nothing more than a worthless cunt. Its about tearing them down a strip and obviously some people like this verbal edge play. With humiliation you are more likely to hear, 'you are my beautiful little cunt and I'll use you when I feel like it', which can be very empowering words to some submissives.

I think its unfair to suggest a person only enjoys humiliation if they are brought up in a sexually negative home. Its about exploring the deeper inner self but please don't interpret that as the 'deeper inner damaged self'. Its usually nothing more than opening up in a certain direction and being sexually adventurous.

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RE: Female subs and humiliation - 12/21/2013 7:18:48 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders

It's difficult to give any meaningful guidance because everyone is so very different.

I would say that public play is going to be a hard limit for some, so you need to make absolutely sure that her definition of humiliation matches yours before you go ahead and try it.

I would say my tastes for humiliation are very, very mild. They're also a bit of a minefield, and probably not one a new partner should navigate. For humiliation to work for me, it has to touch on some uncomfortable truth otherwise it doesn't work. If he calls me sexually derogatory names which imply I'm not as pure and wholesome as my upbringing would suggest, it works, because there's an element of truth. If he calls me stupid, it doesn't work, because I don't feel that's true at all - it feels like he's making things up.

Then, on the other hand, I don't want anything that cuts too deeply. I'm really insecure about certain body parts, so calling them ugly or disgusting would probably upset me.

What IS very important to me is his arousal, and his total acceptance of who I am. If he calls me fat while we play and he has a raging hard on, I can get into the game. I also know that later he will tell me how beautiful I am and make me believe it. On the other hand, if he were to call me fat during play and act like it turned him off - no arousal, refusing to touch me, etc - and during our daily lives made comments about watching what I eat, then it would just eat away at my self esteem, because he clearly doesn't accept the whole of me.

So I suppose for me, humiliation is like exposing the worst and/or most secret parts of a person and poking them a bit, all the while accepting the whole person utterly.

Those were all verbal humiliation examples, but I'm sure you can see how the same mindset could translate to say, a humiliating act or bondage position.

That about covers it for me - the very fine line of pushing things that are true that are not a negative for him about me without going to far to things that are not true or things that I am not ready to admit about me yet

I have found kneeling and waiting for a facial to be very humiliating and exciting - but then after he has released anything after that I cannot cope with at all simply because he obviously no longer has that raging hard on :)

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

RE: Female subs and humiliation - 12/21/2013 10:19:17 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: myotherself
We do stuff that I guess others might find humiliating, but only in the 'humbling' part of the definition that RS pointed out. Kneeling and collars are the most obvious ones but there are others that I'm not going to share.

Now, if he decided to call me 'fat' or 'stupid' in public, that wouldn't be humiliating, it would be devastating. So much so that the relationship would likely end. If he did it in private, he'd then have to deal with the anger and hurt that came with that. Not exactly sexually thrilling.

So "bend over and give me that fat ass, take it like a stupid little slut, or I'm gonna' fuck you so hard you'll be stupid" isn't a good thing in your house?

I know, I know . . . there is a difference between hot and simply debasing someone.

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RE: Female subs and humiliation - 12/21/2013 11:49:19 AM

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I feel along the lines of Athena.

I love humiliation, especially sexually provocative names, but I don't engage in this stuff outside of a serious relationship...there's a lot that needs to be avoided cause I'm too sensitive about it.

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

RE: Female subs and humiliation - 12/21/2013 6:19:32 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: myotherself
We do stuff that I guess others might find humiliating, but only in the 'humbling' part of the definition that RS pointed out. Kneeling and collars are the most obvious ones but there are others that I'm not going to share.

Now, if he decided to call me 'fat' or 'stupid' in public, that wouldn't be humiliating, it would be devastating. So much so that the relationship would likely end. If he did it in private, he'd then have to deal with the anger and hurt that came with that. Not exactly sexually thrilling.

I am learning from this thread how people process things differently.
For me, it is humiliating being called, whore, slut, cum bucket etc etc, but it turns me on too, because I have no sensitivity to it, to me, I am comfortable with my sexuality.

But even being called "stupid" is no issues to me, because I know I am not stupid, it's not sensitive again, and in a way, being called stupid is such a paltry insult that school kids do to each other, it would not turn me on either, because that gotta be a very dull and boring dom who uses that.

On the other hand, things like fat ass, fat pig, now, I've struggled with my weight all my life, although I know I am not fat. I am a US size 8, it's not size 0, but I am one of those who will always be unhappy and miserable with my weight until I am perfectly stick thin. And been struggling to reach there all my life, so it's very personal and sensitive to me because whenever I look in the mirror, I cannot believe how fat I am. It does not help when majority of women in my country are size 0. It's not model size, it's normal size over here. At size 4-ish to 6 when I was younger in school, I was the fattest kid in school already, so I was always the fat kid.
And I am a fitness freak too, I work out harder than any of my girlfriends, 7 days a week, involve in a high impact fast sport at least 3 to 5 hrs a day, this was when I was size 4, even now, I make sure I burn at least 3500 calories a week from exercise but I could not get as thin as all of them. They are taller and skinnier than me without exercise and eating MacDonalds and KFC regularly. Anyway, I have serious weight issues and it's something that has plague my life, so..., I see very clearly why I cannot deal with being called "fat" or "fat pig", I would literally break down in tears and I probably don't ever wanna speak to the dom ever again.

So it's interesting how DesFIP processes it, as if she enjoys it, it's not humiliation. And I process it as, it is suppose to be humiliating, but if I get wet from it, then it means I love humiliation.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 12/21/2013 6:28:14 PM >

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

RE: Female subs and humiliation - 12/21/2013 6:24:05 PM

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Weight is also off the table with me.
I often wonder why I have so many issues with that- but not anything else- but it would absolutely devastate me if he went for something as shaming as my weight struggle, and then I end up feeling even more ashamed that I can't just get past it and love my body- it turns into a big shame spiral, so he kindly avoids it.

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RE: Female subs and humiliation - 12/21/2013 6:38:51 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: shiftyw

Weight is also off the table with me.
I often wonder why I have so many issues with that- but not anything else- but it would absolutely devastate me if he went for something as shaming as my weight struggle, and then I end up feeling even more ashamed that I can't just get past it and love my body- it turns into a big shame spiral, so he kindly avoids it.

I guess the thing is, if someone thinks that I am "fat", it means, he thinks I am "ugly", then he gotta be a desperate loser to be fucking someone he finds that revolting. Well, then again, i guess in D/S, you don't even have to have sex, the dom could just have a fetish for humiliating people and it's not sexual, but I don't do bdsm without sex, so it's always about sex for me, thus the whole idea that the guy is fucking like the ugliest woman he ever seen, makes me think his a loser, not very dom-like.
So I guess, the thing is, why is he settling for me? I deserve a man who thinks my body is the most perfect shape he has ever seen and he should genuinely think I'm beautiful and I can see the awe in his eyes when he looks at me. I definitely had that with my x-dom.
So I guess in that sense, it's why most women will not be turn on by being called "ugly" or "fat".

(in reply to shiftyw)

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