Exploring With A Vanilla (Full Version)

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pg4g -> Exploring With A Vanilla (1/2/2014 1:32:17 PM)

Hey everyone,

So some back story: I've been in a 5 year vanilla relationship with a guy. When we first met, there were signs for him that I was kinky - I actually had to borrow some cash from him to pick up a really kinky sex toy when I was out of cash and my order had come in(!) - but otherwise I kept things extremely quiet. Our sex life was ok at the start, but I knew I wanted some kink and he was more vanilla than a vanilla bean. 6 months ago I told him that I had needs and I needed to explore them, either with him or with someone else. He agreed to try things. I bought a pair of cuffs, and have had some fun. Actually, seriously our sex life as gone insane due to this. We went from once in 2 years to almost once a night. I'd like to explore beyond the cuffs, and he'd open to it, but I'm not sure where to go from here that won't make him completely back off, or worse, leave me completely in fear.

I suppose I'm asking: Does anyone have any experience exploring their kinks for the first time with a vanilla? How do you recommend people explore their kinks with a vanilla partner? I'm certain there are thousands of kinky folks out their in vanilla relationships, so I'm curious how to make this work for both partners?

[:)]



ResidentSadist -> RE: Exploring With A Vanilla (1/2/2014 2:30:29 PM)

"have any experience exploring their kinks for the first time with a vanilla?"
Yes - I'm lucky they didn't call the police.

"How do you recommend people explore their kinks with a vanilla partner?"
I don't . . . unless it's mild slap and tickle. Just try explaining away waterboarding to a vanilla . . . good luck.

"I'm certain there are thousands of kinky folks out their in vanilla relationships, so I'm curious how to make this work for both partners?"
They come to CollarMe and cheat on their spouses to get their kink on. Haven't you read the profiles and seen all the married and cheating?


My advice, stick to your own side of the fence or we will eventually read about you in the news.



shadowborn61 -> RE: Exploring With A Vanilla (1/2/2014 2:34:33 PM)

Sit down and talk to him, ask him what he would like to try. If you have cuffs then maybe he would enjoy blindfolds and gags.
Spanking is fun for both parties there are many thing you can try without going all hardcore and extreme.
but most of all talk to him and see what his interests are as well as tell him your own.



TieMeInKnottss -> RE: Exploring With A Vanilla (1/2/2014 3:29:52 PM)

My own experience (& most I have seen here)-they asked for ideas before even introducing the idea to their partner so you have one leg up on many in that you have approached it and he has a continuing interest. My suggestion is to start mild...much like spicy food..to those who have never used black pepper are going to think bell peppers are spicy but someone used to jalapeños is not going to flinch eating 5 alarm chili... What I mean is...don't start out with "I have always fantasized about being gang raped by 5 strange men or..."beat me with this 2x4 and don't stop no matter how hard I scream"..Move in small steps and let him set the pace.



lilcracker -> RE: Exploring With A Vanilla (1/2/2014 3:44:11 PM)

quote:

Does anyone have any experience exploring their kinks for the first time with a vanilla? How do you recommend people explore their kinks with a vanilla partner? I'm certain there are thousands of kinky folks out their in vanilla relationships, so I'm curious how to make this work for both partners?


My partner was completely vanilla....but he had a dominant personality...and we have gotten to a point where sex was a bit more kinky than before. Of course my kinks are probably pretty tame compared to most but he is THE BEST dominant male I have ever submitted to. We have a year and a half of sharing the same household...and things are great. I could not have ever found anyone as well suited to me as he is...and we met in a real time setting not online.

One of the things that works best for us is communication. We talk a lot and he is a good listener. He seems to absorb everything I express....extremely important....if I am uncomfortable about verbally expressing something....I will express it in written form and he will read what I have written, however....it is easier now just to spit it out.


So it DOES work....if two people are willing to work on it. And quite honestly it was his vanilla traits that made me attracted to him over the kinky traits. If I can't have a relationship outside of the bedroom....the relationship will go to hell quite quickly.



kalikshama -> RE: Exploring With A Vanilla (1/2/2014 4:17:44 PM)

quote:

Does anyone have any experience exploring their kinks for the first time with a vanilla? How do you recommend people explore their kinks with a vanilla partner?


My (now ex) husband and I hadn't gone much past a little "slap and tickle" when we discovered BDSM. I bought a bunch of books from the -=BDSM Book List=-. Most effective was "Screw the Roses; Send me the Thorns" which has lots of pictures. Men are visual. I'd show him something and say, "This looks like fun" and he'd take it from there.

We were fortunate to have a BDSM gear store nearby, and we went there for ideas.

We also joined a local BDSM group, went to munches and play parties, made friends, got invited to private parties, and picked up a mentor.



orgasmdenial12 -> RE: Exploring With A Vanilla (1/2/2014 4:35:21 PM)

Well, I'm surprised that you waited 5 years?

Yes, I have converted a couple of nillas. It doesn't take a lot. Once they realise that they can pinch your nipples and get blowjobs on demand, it's pretty much a done deal.

The causing pain bit is harder, especially in M/f relationships. In your play, make sure you stick to pain that you are guaranteed to like, so that he will see the pleasure reaction and this will ease his fears. Let him introduce harder pain at his own pace.

Go to clubs and parties, let him get into the fun side of fetish - dressing more extreme, meeting new people and seeing their play. Let him talk to other Doms; most men can't resist sucking up to / emulating whoever they think is the top dog (i.e. whoever they think you might fancy / run off with).

As regards the submissive element, do *everything* he says for about a month, no matter how stupid or ridiculous. The power will go to his head and he'll learn from his mistakes.

It's pretty easy in M/f relationships actually.

Remember, whatever our fantasies, there was always a point at which we hadn't acted on them, and then there was the point that we had. Converting a nilla is not usually any more difficult than crossing that point for all of us. We all start somewhere.



pg4g -> RE: Exploring With A Vanilla (1/2/2014 5:11:54 PM)

Perhaps I should clarify my own circumstances:

I'm a man as well. M/M relationship. 5 years was due to the fact that I was worried about this guy - I was his first... well... everything. He's also a pain-phobe. The idea that hurting someone could be enjoyable completely odd to him. I think I'm a switch, but I'm not interested in submitting to a guy... I enjoy being dominated, but the idea of doing what he wants willingly? I'd go soft in a second, and then he'd get discouraged. We've tried that before. It didn't end well... He's not interested in subbing either. He has panic attacks when restrained. I'm definitely going to be the one getting tied up against my will, and I've accepted that. I enjoy topping, but I feel a need to be dominated. I'm military and I need to be pushed to release control because I'm such a controlling person in the rest of life. We've explored light pain play. He really enjoys it. A lot. He seems constantly surprised that pushing me like he does gives him such a turn on, but he loves it. He's even gone so far as to start body slamming me and forcing me upstairs against my will... I hate it at the time but damn it also turns me on.

I guess my question is really one of rate. I'm not just looking for advice for my situation - which is more how to take it from "fun pain" to "whoa pain" - but also for anyone else out there, I'd hope people have advice. I guess I didn't want this to be all about me. Hoping people also get something out of this thread too haha.

Thanks guys.



DarkSteven -> RE: Exploring With A Vanilla (1/2/2014 6:07:00 PM)

It sounds like your speed is going fine. He's discovering a topping side he never knew about. You're freaking out not because of what happened, but because of what could happen, but it sounds like both of you are making sure it doesn't move too fast.

Congratulations on awakening a sleeping kinkster!



MistressDarkArt -> RE: Exploring With A Vanilla (1/2/2014 8:17:39 PM)

Pg, my advice is to print out a bdsm checklist (lots of them online) listing all the activities and sit down together to go over each item. There is usually a numbered rating system of the activity and level of experience with it. You can add explanations and qualifiers to the items. That should give each of you some ideas and a good head start. Best of luck, enjoy the journey!



hlen5 -> RE: Exploring With A Vanilla (1/3/2014 3:14:24 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: pg4g

Hey everyone,

So some back story: I've been in a 5 year vanilla relationship with a guy. When we first met, there were signs for him that I was kinky - I actually had to borrow some cash from him to pick up a really kinky sex toy when I was out of cash and my order had come in(!) - but otherwise I kept things extremely quiet. Our sex life was ok at the start, but I knew I wanted some kink and he was more vanilla than a vanilla bean. 6 months ago I told him that I had needs and I needed to explore them, either with him or with someone else. He agreed to try things. I bought a pair of cuffs, and have had some fun. Actually, seriously our sex life as gone insane due to this. We went from once in 2 years to almost once a night. I'd like to explore beyond the cuffs, and he'd open to it, but I'm not sure where to go from here that won't make him completely back off, or worse, leave me completely in fear.

I suppose I'm asking: Does anyone have any experience exploring their kinks for the first time with a vanilla? How do you recommend people explore their kinks with a vanilla partner? I'm certain there are thousands of kinky folks out their in vanilla relationships, so I'm curious how to make this work for both partners?

[:)]


How vanilla can he be if it turned up the sex thermostat to that degree?? Explore together safely and bon voyage!!



littlewonder -> RE: Exploring With A Vanilla (1/3/2014 8:06:30 PM)

share fantasies and go from there? Maybe start out slow...blindfolds, gags, a little slap and tickle, a little hair pulling, the local sex store stuff.

But basically talk to each other. Find out what each other enjoys and would like to try. What are his fantasies? What are yours? If you are afraid yours are too extreme, dial it back to newbie style.

If you two can't even talk about something as simple as this, you both are screwed.



Missokyst -> RE: Exploring With A Vanilla (1/3/2014 8:31:39 PM)

I have had 12 lovers in my life. 10 of them were vanilla but curious and willing. To my shame and utter delight, most of them remained kinked long after we parted.
Nilla's if sufficiently coaxed, can make wonderfully funn partners. Go slow and smile all the way.



sexyred1 -> RE: Exploring With A Vanilla (1/3/2014 10:48:11 PM)

My best partners began as vanilla. Once I knew we had great sex, I felt comfortable telling them what I was into.




shiftyw -> RE: Exploring With A Vanilla (1/5/2014 8:29:09 AM)

I told my man from the beginning about who I am.
And since I'm a bottom- I really let him take the lead from there, and we follow his interests. He loves breast torture and anal play- while not my favorite fantasies (I'm way more into impact play, humiliation, and electro than he is)- being open to his wants have made our relationship excellent. We communicate A LOT. We got our toes wet slowly, about 3 years ago, and now he got me a TENS unit for xmas- just go slow, and make sure to talk about everything.



sheisreeds -> RE: Exploring With A Vanilla (1/5/2014 8:47:40 AM)

You know there is a play between top and bottom, dominant and submissive.

It's the odd realm of BDSM that tends to not get a lot of talk, but happens a lot more than people know.

You two ever try just wrestling around a little bit?

I'm a fighter in the bedroom, so is my partner, we both get fed off an adversarial very rough dynamic. We're both big fans of humiliation and being forced to do things. We both like pain, especially when we're pinned down with no where to go. We also love things we hate. Neither of us ever gives up control willingly, well it's not a never, but there have only been a few cold days in hell that it's happened in the past 5 years.

Your partner may also find, albeit with careful exploration, that being taken down, versus tied up, does not induce the panic attacks. Since for some of us the fight is where it is at.

It's another way, that seems like a potential elephant in the room based on what you're describing.



unionkane -> RE: Exploring With A Vanilla (1/5/2014 10:54:53 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: pg4g

Does anyone have any experience exploring their kinks for the first time with a vanilla? How do you recommend people explore their kinks with a vanilla partner? I'm certain there are thousands of kinky folks out their in vanilla relationships, so I'm curious how to make this work for both partners?


yes, I have.....it was the worst I did and the best......the worst because she called me a perv, threw me out and I felt like shit.......the best because ultimately it led to me knowing who I really am!.



Ollieboomboom -> RE: Exploring With A Vanilla (1/5/2014 11:18:23 AM)

Just say "NO!"



Theologian -> RE: Exploring With A Vanilla (1/5/2014 1:27:12 PM)

Vanilla submissives are the most fun to train!



njlauren -> RE: Exploring With A Vanilla (1/5/2014 4:56:36 PM)

It sounds like you both are more equipped to be top/bottom rather than a D/s, which is fine; people assume that it must be about submission, when it can simply be about the play and so forth. And yes, what you are doing is pretty common IME, a lot of people don't know anything about BD/SM and get introduced to it by someone. The fact that your partner is willing to explore means he probably isn't vanilla, he probably is finding he enjoys kink that he didn't know about, which isn't vanilla, a vanilla is someone who discovers BD/SM, and finds it does nothing for them:).

I agree with others advice, explore what is out there, read the books, the websites, and talk to your partner about it, the things you might be interested in, and see what he thinks. Usually it is best to start slow (resident sadist is correct, if you tried edge play with someone new), and move from there.

In terms of your partners pain phobia, one suggestion. One of the things that many vanillas, including my spouse, don't really understand is why people enjoy 'pain'.....they obviously don't understand how a bottom/sub transmutes those sensations, how it works......When I tried to put it into context, I said pain is when you are walking to the bathroom in the middle of the night and you run your toe into a chair leg or a door frame or something like that, there is nothing pleasant about it, whereas having someone you want to bottom for/submit to, spanks you or flogs you or puts on nipple clamps, it doesn't feel like pain, it is intense sensation that triggers all kind of good things......maybe it was just my wife, but she understood this somehow, that I didn't crave 'pain',but rather intense sensation that was designed to trigger those reactions. If your partner realizes that to you it is in fact pleasurable when doing certain things, but getting your arm broken wouldn't exactly turn you on, it may go a long way to soothe his phobia about inflicting pain:).



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