internal conflict

internal conflict (Full Version)

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nyx84 -> internal conflict (1/8/2014 5:58:42 PM)
So why my submissive desires started refusing to be repressed anymore a few years ago. I new without question the bigest danger to my safty was my own desire. It was only with some difficulty I finally accepted those desires and made space for them in my life. Since then things have been going fine until now. Its almost 2am and I can't sleep. I can't sleep because I'm angry (last time I was afraid). I keep thinking about being a little girl. This makes me angry because anything even hinting at age play always does. Normally I just avoid the subject like the plage. But now I can't stop thinking about it. And nit only am I thinking about it i'm craving it. And its making me so angry and violent. So instead of sleeping I'm posting hear in the hope that putting my thoughts to words will calm me enough so I can sleep

littlewonder -> RE: internal conflict (1/8/2014 6:51:59 PM)
Maybe it's time to seek some therapy if it's keeping you up at all hours of the night and makes you angry and violent. Sorry dude. That's not normal or healthy.

OsideGirl -> RE: internal conflict (1/8/2014 6:54:28 PM)
I agree with LW. You have issues going on beyond desiring to be submissive. You need to deal with those sources of discomfort and a therapist or counselor would be the best thing.

shadowborn61 -> RE: internal conflict (1/8/2014 11:19:01 PM)
Definitely time to find a therapist to talk to try and do a search in your area for kink aware professionals but even if there aren't any find a vanilla one before you hurt yourself or someone else. Having had therapy myself you would not believe what a relief it can be to talk with someone who will not judge you and that you know will not discuss what you tell them with anyone else.

nyx84 -> RE: internal conflict (1/9/2014 12:19:30 AM)
Thanks guys. And I probably do need to see somone. I'm definitely not as over my issues as I would like to tell myself. Which is why I ended up hear last night. I new I needed to talk about what was in my head befare I would be calm ebough to sleep. But 2am dosn't give you many options on that front. So thanks again for taking the time to listen and respond

nyx84 -> RE: internal conflict (1/9/2014 12:31:14 AM)
Ok and my desire for violance is only ever directed at 1 person who I haven't seen in over 10 years so I don't think I'm a danger to anyone

lizi -> RE: internal conflict (1/9/2014 2:33:55 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: nyx84 Ok and my desire for violance is only ever directed at 1 person who I haven't seen in over 10 years so I don't think I'm a danger to anyone You "don't think" you are a danger to anyone, it would be nice for you to feel sure about that, right? Find a professional who can help you figure things out and put them to rest.

DarkSteven -> RE: internal conflict (1/9/2014 4:35:52 AM)
Okay. You're 28 and in a ten year relationship. You sound like you're a submissive who is pretty settled. It sounds to me like you were abused as a little girl and you want to be able to recapture what was stolen from you. But once you realize that you're vulnerable, the Protector side comes out. I'd recommend "confronting" your abuser in your memories, while in therapy. Good luck. And welcome to the forums.

MariaB -> RE: internal conflict (1/9/2014 5:31:26 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven Okay. You're 28 and in a ten year relationship. You sound like you're a submissive who is pretty settled. It sounds to me like you were abused as a little girl and you want to be able to recapture what was stolen from you. But once you realize that you're vulnerable, the Protector side comes out. I'd recommend "confronting" your abuser in your memories, while in therapy. Good luck. And welcome to the forums. I go with this ^ I don't think your a threat to anyone but yourself and your angry that this thing is eating away at you. Like everyone has said, therapy is the best option because its time to look after YOU and the child still trapped inside you.

shiftyw -> RE: internal conflict (1/9/2014 7:01:10 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven Okay. You're 28 and in a ten year relationship. You sound like you're a submissive who is pretty settled. It sounds to me like you were abused as a little girl and you want to be able to recapture what was stolen from you. But once you realize that you're vulnerable, the Protector side comes out. I'd recommend "confronting" your abuser in your memories, while in therapy. Good luck. And welcome to the forums. ^ Ditto Really solid advice.

nyx84 -> RE: internal conflict (1/9/2014 12:10:25 PM)
Believe it or not I nearly did the therapy thing a few years ago and spent nearly on the nhs waiting list then they sent me a letter saying they were changing the system and did I want to be on the new list and I never bothered to reply because at the time it wasn't effecting my life

nyx84 -> RE: internal conflict (1/9/2014 12:19:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven Okay. You're 28 and in a ten year relationship. You sound like you're a submissive who is pretty settled. It sounds to me like you were abused as a little girl and you want to be able to recapture what was stolen from you. But once you realize that you're vulnerable, the Protector side comes out. I'd recommend "confronting" your abuser in your memories, while in therapy. Good luck. And welcome to the forums. Once I calmed down I kinda came to the same conclusion and have spent most of the day not when not distracted by work doing just that. I've now moved on from the initial anger and into upset and a bit aggitated so I'll guess that I'll get there at some point. And I do know my issues I've even disscussed why I can sometimes be extremely childish whith my partner before. But before that kind of behaviour has never corossed into my fantasys or into any play between me and him. So the moment it entered my fantasy I seriously freaked out.

DesFIP -> RE: internal conflict (1/10/2014 10:09:08 AM)
Can you talk to your partner about it? Just sharing it with a supportive person might be helpful.

nyx84 -> RE: internal conflict (1/10/2014 10:30:16 AM)
Yes but he was sleeping and had to be up early for work the yesterday day so I ended up venting here. I have since talked things throght (yesterday after work) and we even have a plan of action on how to deal with things. Not got much past the short term yet

StrongSpirit -> RE: internal conflict (1/19/2014 6:16:39 PM)
Question: Have you ever acted on your age desires? I have found that often what works in real life totally fails in fantasy, and what works in fantasy can totally fail in real life. If you actually try it, it might totally destroy your emotional response, because you will find out it is nothing at all like what you think/fear it might be like. It might be that your last therapist was not right for you. There is a lot of variation out there. Some psychiatrists use a technique of gradual exposure to desensitize people. Afraid of dogs, look at a picture till you get enough nerve to stand across the street from a pet store. Then next week stand in front. Then next week enter and leave. Next week enter and stay, but don't approach a dog. etc. etc. But I would suggest you do that kind of thing under professional supervision.

ResidentSadist -> RE: internal conflict (1/19/2014 8:07:47 PM)
Well, a plan of action is a good thing. Childhood issues and/or childhood promises can run deep and carry lots of energy, even violent energy. Good luck.

Blueswordsman -> RE: internal conflict (1/20/2014 3:14:48 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: nyx84 So why my submissive desires started refusing to be repressed anymore a few years ago. I new without question the bigest danger to my safty was my own desire. It was only with some difficulty I finally accepted those desires and made space for them in my life. Since then things have been going fine until now. Its almost 2am and I can't sleep. I can't sleep because I'm angry (last time I was afraid). I keep thinking about being a little girl. This makes me angry because anything even hinting at age play always does. Normally I just avoid the subject like the plage. But now I can't stop thinking about it. And nit only am I thinking about it i'm craving it. And its making me so angry and violent. So instead of sleeping I'm posting hear in the hope that putting my thoughts to words will calm me enough so I can sleep Hi NYX84 Many people can’t sleep because they can’t stop thinking. It happens to all of us one time or another. Being angry with yourself because you internally desire something is using will power to change a feeling. Something like … I want to quit smoking (But I love it!). It’s hard work and takes a long time. I found the quickest way to change a behavior or fall a sleep is to self hypnotize. Self Hypnosis is not hard to learn and the results will change your life forever. It's a terrific technique for dealing with any of life’s issues. With that being sad …. If you’re ever in New York and need a sugar daddy with a dark side. I’m at your service [:D] [:D] Blue

nyx84 -> RE: internal conflict (1/20/2014 11:20:30 AM)
I've never acted on it and nor do I want to (I have a lot of childhood issues) the other night was the first and only time I've even imagined myself being involved in age play. Since then I've been thinking alot about why. Normally in my every day life I can be very childish my partner (and Master) finds it amazing that I am both the most mature and serious person he knows while also being the most childish. But always before my childishness and my submissiveness have been two separate things. In hindsight I see a lot of ways the two are connected. So since my original post there has been a lot of talking with my partner about it and even more thinking and also alot of indulgence of my childishness. I'm finding life very stressful at the moment (I have to be more dominant at work then I am happy being because of both the nature of the job and because of tge bullying that takes place add in that xmas was extremely stressful as well) and I was suppressing all the childish behaviours I normally enjoy so I could be serious all the time. And I have noted in the past that if I supress myself my desires come back with avengance. But I guess that I avoided understanding what motivates my childishness to much and shouldn't have. So after all the talking and analysis (he doesn't like age play either) that its not needed I can be childish without pretending to be a child or without it becoming sexual or crossing into any of our other kinkyness. Edit: silly touch screen I pressed to post befire I finished typing

nyx84 -> RE: internal conflict (1/20/2014 11:43:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Blueswordsman Many people can’t sleep because they can’t stop thinking. It happens to all of us one time or another. [/font][/size][/color] Me not skeep because I can't stop thinking about something no never. Never ever do the thought go swirly swirly around in my head until my partner pulls me out or I work through the problem some

Blueswordsman -> RE: internal conflict (1/20/2014 12:06:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: nyx84 I've never acted on it and nor do I want to (I have a lot of childhood issues) the other night was the first and only time I've even imagined myself being involved in age play. Since then I've been thinking alot about why. Normally in my every day life I can be very childish my partner (and Master) finds it amazing that I am both the most mature and serious person he knows while also being the most childish. But always before my childishness and my submissiveness have been two separate things. In hindsight I see a lot of ways the two are connected. So since my original post there has been a lot of talking with my partner about it and even more thinking and also alot of indulgence of my childishness. I'm finding life very stressful at the moment (I have to be more dominant at work then I am happy being because of both the nature of the job and because of tge bullying that takes place add in that xmas was extremely stressful as well) and I was suppressing all the childish behaviours I normally enjoy so I could be serious all the time. And I have noted in the past that if I supress myself my desires come back with avengance. But I guess that I avoided understanding what motivates my childishness to much and shouldn't have. So after all the talking and analysis (he doesn't like age play either) that its not needed I can be childish without pretending to be a child or without it becoming sexual or crossing into any of our other kinkyness. Edit: silly touch screen I pressed to post befire I finished typing [:)][:)][:)][:)][:)][:)]

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