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Do you find yourself trying to conform to roles? - 1/11/2014 1:32:59 PM   
HipPoindexter


Posts: 188
Joined: 12/20/2013
Status: offline 		I don't wanna pick on anyone in particular, but on both sides of the site I see anxiety about "Am I behaving like an x (Master, switch, Mistress, w/e) should behave?"

My response to these kinds of anxiety is usually to chuckle and sip my jasmine tea and roll my eyes and thank God I have other, much more complicated and exotic, kinds of angst. I try to use words other people will understand (submissive, masochistic, sadistic, etc) to describe my urges and behaviors, but I've never brooded over whether my urges and behaviors conform with one of these labels.

To me thinking "Is this something a Dominant would think?" makes roughly as much sense as thinking "Is this what someone who drinks diet vanilla cherry Dr. Pepper would think?" Labels describe actions, actions do not conform to labels. But I see so much anxiety over fitting into roles that I can't write it all off as just kl00less n00bs. Maybe there is more pressure on people who are actively part of some lifestyle stuff, or people who have partners who DO take labels and roles very seriously.

Do you ever worry about whether you're behaving properly given your "role"?

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RE: Do you find yourself trying to conform to roles? - 1/11/2014 1:51:57 PM   
MissImmortalPain


Posts: 2440
Joined: 4/1/2011
Status: offline 		No, I don't, but then this isn't a "role" in my opinion. This is just who I am. If others want to put a name on it then say that I do, or do not, live up to that label that is their issue not mine.

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It is always by way of pain that we arrive at pleasure.

We must all go through a right of passage,and it must be physical, it must be painful,and it must leave a mark.

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RE: Do you find yourself trying to conform to roles? - 1/11/2014 1:54:40 PM   
Phoenixpower


Posts: 8098
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissImmortalPain

No, I don't, but then this isn't a "role" in my opinion. This is just who I am. If others want to put a name on it then say that I do, or do not, live up to that label that is their issue not mine.


this!!!

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RIP 08-09-07

The PAST is history, the FUTURE a mystery, NOW is a gift - that's why it's called the PRESENT

www.butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf

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RE: Do you find yourself trying to conform to roles? - 1/11/2014 2:01:59 PM   
shiftyw


Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
Status: offline 		FR-
I tend to not care about labels myself.

However, I have been BERATED on here for "lying". I've been told I'm not a "real" submissive cause I only like bedroom play. I'm not a real "slave" cause I'm not service oriented (despite having never ever called myself a slave, people make assumptions I guess).
I've been told how seriously I should take all the labels countless times. I've been told to LEAVE the community because I'm "just a bottom" or that I only like kinky sex and that means I'm not dedicated to the cause. I can understand why people care about it, simply because its so rough to be rejected by those within a community you wish to join.
ETA- clarification.

< Message edited by shiftyw -- 1/11/2014 2:02:41 PM >

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RE: Do you find yourself trying to conform to roles? - 1/11/2014 2:08:55 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		I don't do roles, I do life.
It helps that I mostly do not give a rip about what someone thinks I should be.

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pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


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RE: Do you find yourself trying to conform to roles? - 1/11/2014 2:15:48 PM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		~FRing it~

I behave and think just like...me. To conduct myself as anything less than that means I sold myself out and I'm trying to act like someone else says I should act. Who's to say that their defining characteristics of the "roles" is correct? Truth be told, I always hate seeing those anxiety-filled "am I behaving like..." threads because the person seems to think they have to act a certain way to be a <fill in the blank>.

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RE: Do you find yourself trying to conform to roles? - 1/11/2014 2:17:54 PM   
RavenKittenSub


Posts: 15
Joined: 1/1/2008
Status: offline 		I'm curious, what does someone who drinks diet vanilla cherry Dr. Pepper think? XD
But more seriously, I've certainly spent more than enough time thinking about what it means to me to be a sub/slave and what I can do to be a better one and so on. And even fretting a bit over if I'm submissive enough and the likes, which is basically just me being insecure. But I'm not sure if I've ever worried about properly fitting into this or that BDSM-related label. I'm a slave 'cause it fits with who I am and how I want to live my life.

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RE: Do you find yourself trying to conform to roles? - 1/11/2014 2:24:28 PM   
HipPoindexter


Posts: 188
Joined: 12/20/2013
Status: offline 		I have no idea! I live on jasmine teas and Fiji water and bourbon.
quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenKittenSub

I'm curious, what does someone who drinks diet vanilla cherry Dr. Pepper think? XD
But more seriously, I've certainly spent more than enough time thinking about what it means to me to be a sub/slave and what I can do to be a better one and so on. And even fretting a bit over if I'm submissive enough and the likes, which is basically just me being insecure. But I'm not sure if I've ever worried about properly fitting into this or that BDSM-related label. I'm a slave 'cause it fits with who I am and how I want to live my life.



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RE: Do you find yourself trying to conform to roles? - 1/11/2014 2:33:51 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

Do you ever worry about whether you're behaving properly given your "role"?

Nope.
Why would I?
My "role" is to be me...and that's as natural as breathing

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HST

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RE: Do you find yourself trying to conform to roles? - 1/11/2014 2:46:37 PM   
MAINEiacMISTRESS


Posts: 1180
Joined: 9/12/2012
Status: offline 		I'm not sure what you mean by roles...I just am the way I "AM". I make My own way, the way *I* want to do things. If someone doesn't like it, they can go fuck off. I'm not affected much by someone's opinion, although sometimes I'm AMUSED by it. I often piss someone off by just being *ME*, gee whiz, not even realizing I've been overbearing, or even intending to be; but ya know, if they are going to have a hissy fit about some imagined offense it's fun to sit back and watch them work themselves up into a lather while I'm completely unaffected by their tantrum.

I've tried in the past to conform to (society's) intended "role" for Me (My gender) but it's pretty difficult for Me to be anything BUT the way I am. I think I'm being nice yet there's always SOMEONE who gets butthurt. WHAAAAATEVER.

I've resolved to try to be GENTLER to those around Me, and I believe in many aspects I've achieved that (driving, being more patient in general), but that's about all the bending I'm able to do.

< Message edited by MAINEiacMISTRESS -- 1/11/2014 2:51:08 PM >

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RE: Do you find yourself trying to conform to roles? - 1/11/2014 2:56:24 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		I fit my own role perfectly.

Being a straight male Dom is actually pretty easy in this society. I expect a male sub or a female Domme might have a harder time fitting in.

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"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: Do you find yourself trying to conform to roles? - 1/11/2014 3:05:21 PM   
Rawni


Posts: 1175
Status: offline 		Why would we care to fit in?

When you are too busy living your life, doing your thing, whatever that is in the moment or over-all... who has time to worry about what someone else thinks, how you should act and if you are playing true to some wild conception someone continues after jr high school?

Bah... I'll be the cranky old broad that continues just as she wishes to. Laughing all the way to the grave. I just hope it takes a while to get there. I'd hate to petition satan for entrance while he still has that restraining order out on me.

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RE: Do you find yourself trying to conform to roles? - 1/11/2014 3:33:59 PM   
needlesandpins


Posts: 3901
Status: offline 		I guess it depends firstly on whether you are a 'lifer', or a 'bedroomer'. we are bedroom people, and we switch. we are anything, and everything we want to be. I know that plays with the trwoo people's heads, but we like that too. I did have a moment when playing where I suddenly thought 'hang on, wasn't I the domme when this started out? why am I suddenly the sub?' my next thought was 'meh, I don't care, this is all great'. that is how it has been since.

needles

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RE: Do you find yourself trying to conform to roles? - 1/11/2014 4:29:33 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Those always get me too. How can I be more slavish? How can I be more pleasing? What do (?) want in a sub/slave?

For me that smacks of lying and pretense to develop traits to attract the game. If you are presenting yourself as the person you are you are more likely to get the attention of someone who finds that attractive.


quote:

ORIGINAL: SeekingTrinity

~FRing it~

Truth be told, I always hate seeing those anxiety-filled "am I behaving like..." threads because the person seems to think they have to act a certain way to be a <fill in the blank>.



_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


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RE: Do you find yourself trying to conform to roles? - 1/11/2014 5:36:45 PM   
pg4g


Posts: 296
Joined: 12/31/2013
From: Australia
Status: offline 		I suppose I understand the desire to define yourself.

Personally, I've felt this rather recently. People expect there are Doms, Subs, Tops, Bottoms, Masters, Slaves and Switches. People often search for "ok, I need a label for this" and I've been guilty of wanting that too. That may be part of a desire to find "why do I feel the way I feel?" Or maybe the feeling of "if I don't have a label, how can I find interested people? How can they know I fit with them?"

I'm just starting to feel comfortable with my feelings now. A title would be helpful to describe myself cos at least people then might understand me. I might feel a little less "weird" haha.

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RE: Do you find yourself trying to conform to roles? - 1/11/2014 5:41:07 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I'm pretty self aware and I have no sexual issues that make me conflicted and wishful of a path to follow.
For those who are new to admitting these desires in themselves, getting emails that tell you that you're doing it wrong could easily rock you. When you're unbalanced to begin with, it doesn't take much of a shove to push you over.

Someone new, who does feel that rocky, can be excused for wanting to know what to do and how to do it.

Unfortunately, for this kind of relationship, as for every other, nothing takes the place of communication and making sure this is the right relationship to begin with.

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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: Do you find yourself trying to conform to roles? - 1/11/2014 5:54:52 PM   
orgasmdenial12


Posts: 613
Joined: 9/18/2012
Status: offline 		No, not at all. I know exactly what I am - I describe myself as a masochist who likes to submit - and I feel that description fits me extremely well indeed.

As regards the question of whether things are submissive and dominant; one can think that such an action is not submissive or dominant, without it changing whether a person enjoys or doesn't enjoy it.

For example, I think that taking a strap on is not Dominant (a recent discussion). Not because the label decides this for me, but because that was already my feeling on the subject (one of disliking the idea) and the description of not Dominant is merely a way to explain why it doesn't turn me on.

Simply because one uses commonly accepted understandings of Dom or sub, it doesn't mean that the label is controlling them; rather, they have their own ideas and preferences, and the label is merely a convenient shorthand to explain why something turns them off or on.

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RE: Do you find yourself trying to conform to roles? - 1/11/2014 7:02:56 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HipPoindexter
Do you ever worry about whether you're behaving properly given your "role"?

Fast reply.

I think I might love you. No, I don't worry about it. To be really honest, I'm not all up and mushy about people that do. You're Dominant? Cool. Stop worrying about if this is Dominant or that is Dominant. Stop thinking that you can't engage in certain acts because other people think they aren't Dominant acts. When you don't, who's really in charge?

Screw all of that! My goal is to be happy. It's not like My life is a democracy and everybody gets a vote.

Great topic!



_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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RE: Do you find yourself trying to conform to roles? - 1/11/2014 7:23:53 PM   
kallisto


Posts: 1185
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HipPoindexter

Do you ever worry about whether you're behaving properly given your "role"?



Don't worry about it one bit. I'm just me ... I don't play a role.

Great topic!

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RE: Do you find yourself trying to conform to roles? - 1/11/2014 8:10:40 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		My former owner had his own idea of what a slave should be and proceeded to try to make me conform to that. And for four years he succeeded. But eventually I ventured too far from who I was at the core, and started pushing back. I wasn't being true to myself and I was miserable.

Never again. I am me, and I don't care what anyone wants to label that. Being me works for me.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



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